Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

Hi what Re bank card he should have informed his bank that he's moved. My DDs father was too lazy to redirect post so eventually I said I will start sending it back 'unknown' if he didn't sort within a fortnight. Your ex may have a redirection in place but it can take a while to take effect ( not defending him - I work for postal service).

Guttering?!? WTF ... Why is he going on about guttering? Sounds mildly suspicious to me.

Def put your precious things away somewhere away from the house. it's bloody annoying to go into the cellar / attic and realise something was missing and not know what .

Well done on the STI check - I have to call my clinic this evening. I don't know whether to. He said he hadn't slept with her. I believe him, millions wouldn't but I won't allow myself to look weak and contact him to ask him to confirm/deny. Catch 22 . Well done you. Massive hurdle jumped with dignity .

Thank you for sharing skye - I totally understand how you reacted. I do think you have shown incredible restraint in not telling his best mate what's going on though.

bluesky - the house is in joint names. I like what you said about me not b*itching about the post and I'm not his secretary. When this started, if I came home from work and saw he had post, before I took my shoes off, I was walking down the road and posting it straight away, now it waits a couple of days.

I also agree with him getting an estate agent in while I'm not here, he wants this place sold but hasn't had it valued (I have). He could do anything while I'm not here.

cozie - you're right, he wants to order a skip while I'm not here and 'clear the garden', but there's not enough in the garden to warrant even a small skip. I could come back and see some of 'our' things in there. I don't think he'd throw my things away but he might throw his/our things away that I need to use in the house.

I have made this very easy for him and still have been told constantly that I am unreasonable. So I'm not going to be difficult but I'm not going to respond to all his wishes if I don't agree just in case I upset him.

redundant - I was thinking of you when I came back and although it wasn't a happy experience, the doctor I saw was so compassionate and kind. My H had told me there's no need to get checked but he has proven to be a liar and that was one thing that I had control over. It's my body, I can't trust him and even though he wouldn't tell me when it started, if he had then how could I believe him?

Make the call, peace of mind for you x

He could contact everyone and tell them he has moved, if he doesnt do that then why should you knock yourself out running around after him.

Compromise and being reasonable are what you do when you are in a committed, faithful relationship with someone....where you are now you have every right to be as unreasonable as you like (in fact id be tempted to get an "unreasonable" t-shirt printed )

What, you are really sounding so different from before; you are doing fantastically well for such a short time to have passed

Can I suggest that you go no contact with him for a little while now? Get a new sim for every day use and keep the old one just for him. Then you can just put it in once in a while - or maybe someone else could read his texts for you and filter them? Then you won't be so tempted to respond, nor will you be taken by surprise if he suddenly texts you. I would also put a new filter into effect on your email which sends anything from him straight into a subfolder, which you only look at once a week (if at all!).

For the moment, try to just ignore anything he sends, texts, emails, don't contact him at all either. Arrange for the locks to be changed on Friday and only you and ds to have keys. You can have an extra cut on Monday/Tuesday or later, in time for him to come and get his stuff at your convenience; will ds have people around (friends? family?) to stand by him if Wankbadger turns up while you're away?

Will do thanks. My kids father is picking then up soon to take them to swimming lessons. I will be phoning the STI clinic. How f**cking sordid and shit is that. Apologies.

Over the summer I asked my kids dad to remove his crap from the cellar (taken all his useful stuff and left shit behind). Instead he decided to clear the garden ( I was at work) and threw every single pot away. He was a total wanker and existed me to be glad he had 'helped' and I was being unreasonable for being pissed off. Made a point of not allowing him to be here without me . CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS VIA EMAIL as proof. Sorry to be blunt.

Well done Whatnext074. You are doing really well.
Whatnext074, please don't tell that fg x of yours about your test results. I hope there is nothing to worry about but make him wonder. The tests will be ready in a few weeks. Just not ready; not his business.
I think he cannot manage two women at the moment. All those texts show he still wants his say.

When I was a student I had a very "lovely" BF. We did not even argue that much. One day, our relationship ended because he let me down. I was so shocked by his actions (he was not a friend in need) that I could not study. I failed an exam. You wonder then how someone can transform so quickly from being a nice decent person to a mean one.

I think others are right regarding the bank card. Do not post it to him. He let you down so badly and how dare he to expect a nice favour from you.

Yes redundant. It becomes 'Do I want it? If so, I'll take it. If not, it's rubbish.' They can become so totally self-centred that the thought that someone else might want something really doesn't figure in their consciousness. And if he ever has to justify it to himself, he'll say 'Oh I needed to clear the house of all that junk before it was sold'.

Don't take the risk, What. Get your valuable stuff safe - in a commercial storage shed if necessary and if you want to keep it private. I don't think they're very expensive. You don't need to face him turning up with a couple of mates and removing things when you weren't expecting it. (Or your DS if you weren't around.)

Hi WhatNext,

I'm really sorry, I've not had the chance to read more than the first few posts on here and the last ones - DH has taken DS out for an hour so I'm here on a run!

First of all, the one thing you must not do is let this man and his OW pull you down. He and she are in the wrong, not you. As for the OW looking like a model, so what? As many people have said, everyone puts their best photos on FB and anyway what have looks got to do with it? My exH was a nice looking man, until he held me by the neck against a wall and punched me in the stomach. My DH now is a nice looking man - he's never so much as punched the table in anger. Looks mean nothing. And you say she's more cultured than you. Does that mean she enjoys certain books, certain music? So what? I mix with people who enjoy the things I enjoy and if that's not cultured why should I care? I enjoy it and it hurts no-one so it's good.

My ex was like yours. His leaving was 'my fault', his violence was 'my fault'. I remarried a number of years ago but I still get the odd text from my ex - who is also remarried - mentioning how much he misses me (bet his current wife just loves that!) I could change my mobile number but my friends know it and I refuse to be dictated to by my ex. So I show DH the texts (I am not going to lie to him, he deserves that respect) and then I delete the message. I never reply, I am not interested. I don't even send a 'don't contact me' text. I refuse to get into a conversation with my ex.

You're in a slightly different position. You've still got to move on. But you will. I was walking in your shoes a few years ago. After a few months I suddenly realised that I could let the b@stard grind me down or I could leave him far, far behind and enjoy my new life. A year later I met my now DH, we married a year after that and our DS arrived three years after. I thought my world ended when my exH walked out. I now realise my world actually just changed and the one that opened up was, eventually, so much better.

You mentioned that you haven't felt like putting on make up etc for weeks. Do me a favour - tomorrow, sit down with a cuppa, put on your favourite music or find something you enjoy on the TV and pop some make up on. Just some lippy or a touch of mascara, whatever you normally wear. Brush your hair. Now look in the mirror and hold up your head. That's what he's missing and he's an idiot. And the OW has anchored herself to a man who will walk out for the next best thing if one part of her looks change. They suit each other.

You will feel better. It will take time. You will move on. It will take time. But one day you'll get a text from you exH and, like me, you'll delete it and get on with your day without a backward glance. Then you will know you have risen higher than he and the OW will ever do. Truly.

BTW, when I mentioned the make up I wasn't inferring that you can't look good without make up. It was just that you said you hadn't worn any for weeks and felt crap. I know, when I'm so low that I can't be bothered putting it on, I feel crap. My way of monitoring that I'm feeling better is when I want to shower, do my hair and put on the lippy.

When I make the decision that I don't want to wear it, it's a different story. With or without make up, on those days when I decide, I KNOW I look good ha ha!

cozie - he has no friends, I always thought that was strange as he's very good in company but I never mentioned it as he only wanted me - even though I have lots of friends, he just seemed happy with me. Even at our wedding, he only invited his family and some work colleagues, no friends.

London - thank you for giving me hope and yes, I do measure my confidence and moving on by paying attention to the way I look and the effort I put in to myself so I understand what you are saying.

He will walk out when reality gets tough and he hasn't dealt with our own traumas yet. I know it's not healthy for me but I really really hope she dumps him. I would have loved him forever, he would never have doubted my trust and loyalty - he hasn't got that guarantee with her.

It's devastating knowing that someone who you believed and talked about getting old with can discard you with such ease in such a painful way. He's messed up, it's so sad. I hope I'm in a happy plac

...happy place one day. I know I don't need a man but I miss someone holding me. I miss talking about our day.

Redundant, make the call. Like the others have said, these men have proved flakey at best. Barefaced liars at worst. Are you prepared to take the risk of believing them?

And I speak as someone who had to go to the gum clinic myself earlier this year as a result of my ex sleeping his way across the Middle East

It's not pleasant. But it has to be done. Go!

what - I did have a conversation with OW's H last year. He said that there was nothing wrong with flirty banter, dismissed thousands of texts as just being friends. He simply refuses to believe that his best mate of around 35 years, would do that to him.

I don't know why, because he is OW's second husband, she cheated on her first H with him who became no 2 H..... so you could say what goes around comes around and has got him...

I have more evidence of actual affair, but figured, what is the point in telling him again if he wouldn't believe it the first time. I also figure that the truth will out at some point and if I am not involved, then I can't be accused of anything....

I was accused of trying to ruin their marriage when I named OW on my divorce petition for inappropriate contact . Me. Not the OW and my XH who were in the communication, because they both swore that there was nothing in it and he believed them .

so no sympathy for OW's H.

Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary. I am sad, but I am better than I was this time last year. I haven't cried yet.

You are doing really well, so much better than you know or can see yet.

You have shown great restraint and dignity.

A friend of mine said all the 'firsts' will be hard - first Christmas, first birthday, first anniversary without H, I'm dreading it. It's my H birthday in 2 weeks, I'm usually so excited planning surprises and putting thought into words in his card. It's my 40th in a few months and he had planned for years to take me back to our honeymoon place but that won't happen now. Why ruin everything for their own satisfaction?

I feel for you today but you have done a good thing today and given me some strength x

ooh... My XH walked out 3 weeks before my 40th birthday... I had only just sent out the party invites! I said you bastard, what great timing, and he said, "Oh you can still have the party"... oh yeah and celebrate the fact that my husband just left me?! . He did come back, but it was ruined, because he spent all night with his friends (OW and her H) ignoring me, which was noticed by several people, who had no idea he had gone and come back... I couldn't say anything as I was scared if I had a go that he would leave again....

Then we had a family holiday in Poole booked for DD's 4th birthday with a trip to Peppa Pig World on the day. It was a lovely holiday, but I later found out that he was emailing OW "motivational" emails right the way through!

I had also saved a lot of money towards a holiday in Jersey for my 40th birthday that we were going to go on a couple of months later. I asked him if I should book it, to get the free half board and he said, lets leave it for a while for work reasons only, nothing else, so we didn't book it. bastard left again a week later.

All the firsts are hard, I won't kid you, but a lot of it is mind over matter.. Easier said than done, but try not to think about it, organise a busy day for yourself. Do not even consider sending him a card or anything, he is nothing to you now.

Evening WHAT,SKYE I hope you have managed a good day. Perhaps OWs H does know but doesn't want to rock his world?

What The firsts of everything are difficult but only if you dwell on them, iyswim? christmas you can't ignor! but birthday and anniversaries you can choose not to think about. I found I was great all day and then dissolved when on my own in the evening!! I must admit that this years H birthday and anniversary I don't remember happening!!

Glad you have found some strength, hope you get more and more

what it's my EXP's birthday in a couple
Of weeks too. secretive types. had several things booked and organised..all gone and wasted now.

i took my kids abroad for half term Last year and missed his birthday so this year booked a differentl hol so he could come and he agreed ... So next week we set off without him. F'ing gutted.

For the love of God - he has not stopped on at me today. I know I shouldn't reply and I didn't this morning but he has got me angry.

He keeps on saying that he wants to come this weekend when I'm not here, I originally gave him this weekend as an option but he said no and he wanted to come on 4th/5th - controlling when he decides to come and since then I have decided it is not wise to have him here when I'm not here. He has also kept on and on about his bloody parent's key saying again that if I really need it back then he will need to phone them and ask them but they won't understand why I need it back. He's also going on about his bloody bank card!

I have replied tonight saying that my DS is here this weekend and I won't have him upsetting him anymore. I have reminded him that I have given him weeks to get the key back to me and that I will change locks on Friday if I don't get it and I have told him I am not his secretary (thanks bluesky) and if he is bothered about his bank card then to contact the bank and stop hassling me.

I told him I can't believe he's continually contacting me today especially knowing what I had to do today and told him he's selfish.

I think this is the first time I have been angry. Why doesn't he just sort these things out rather than keep on at me? Hasn't he got something he can be doing with his OW rather than contacting me??

I've been waiting (and hoping) for some anger. It's well due.

Can't BELIEVE he is going on at you. Whats his issue? He walked out and that's his choice. He's had weeks to sort out his things - you gave him options - now he's hassling you to be in the house without you. Hmmm wonder why? Big no! You have been perfectly reasonable. It's fine to ask for your keys back - you have to look after yourself and DS now. And lets hope his bank card has been lost...,

Evening dear what....

The anger is good!!! Not that I want you to be angry but it's better than sad.

What a knob!!! You know what, the last but of your last post is what you should text him.

"Why are you texting me relentlessly? I gave you my answers.... Haven't you got something to be doing with ow???"

I like the idea about taking the bank card to the bank and telling then you have no address for him.

You sound so Much stronger. Whoop whoop!

(Pom poms waving wildly).

Try not to worry about your 40th etc. not even this Xmas...remember one day at a time. Just keep plodding on til you reach your happy place.

X

Control, what. That's why he's hassling you. He can feel the control of you loosening, and he doesn't like it. So he thinks he can pester you into giving him control again. Think about a toddler in a sweetshop - on and on and on until you either snap or give in.

I'm glad you're feeling the anger. Think about what's going on...

• You give him a date and he declines - he's controlling the situation
• Then you decide it's better for him not to be there without you, so you decide he shouldn't come on that date anyway - you control the situation
• Then he realises that you want to be around when he's packing up, and in order to gain control of the situation again, he deliberately chooses the date when he knows you're planning on being out - either so that you will change your plans (he controls), or he can pick and choose what he wants from the house (he controls)

You've spelled it out to him what will happen if he doesn't get that key to you. He'll only have himself to blame if he can't access the house.

It's been a big day for you, what. But you are doing really really well - so much stronger with every passing day!

Anger :D www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-out/201309/the-5-stages-grieving-the-end-relationship

Progress!!

Even though they don't want to be with you, some men just can't let go of the control...they also don't like it when they get a whiff of you getting stronger