Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

I'm glad I do help whatnext. I have felt as low as you. I remember that lost feeling. I know that you WILL be ok again.

I'd change the locks anyway...why the hell not? You're in control here. If that's what you want to do, do it. You can say that you lost your keys whilst out shopping. It will give you piece of mind that he won't come whilst you're out. You need your house to be a safe haven at the moment.
Xx

Be a person he doesn't know [as he has done to you] and he has to realise every issue is not going to be dictated by him.

That is it bluebird, he thinks he knows me inside out which is why he emailed me to say he has an 'understanding of how I'm feeling'. I don't know him anymore so can't predict how he will be and maybe I need to exercise the same so he cannot use the techniques he is to hurt me.

Try not to be predictable, if you answered texts straight away now answer them a few hours later for example. Often wise not to send a 'knee jerk' reply anyway but to think through the wording and how it may be misunderstood/twisted around the other end. Give vague reasons if any at all for the delay - 'out for the day', 'busy', 'something important', 'had visitors'.....no details about what you're doing, who with, for how long or why. After all you are now an autonomous individual as entitled to your privacy as H is.

Think of how you reacted/ responded/ replied previously to events and situations before H changed, and reframe your responses. You're already doing this by taking control of situations one by one as they arise. I hope you will feel more empowered as the days go by.

Anyway the rash of texts and e mails can be interpreted as harassment if they go over a certain line. If you feel harassed you probably are being. If not, fine.

[what None of this is telling you what to do in any way, just suggestions based on past experience of mine and how I would go forward. I know we are all different and dealing with certain situations and personalities no one can ever really know. I think everyone just tries to help in any way they can]

I agree, I still hope that when I receive a text it's from him and hope that he will say something nice but he doesn't, it's all very clinical. I used to respond straight away but I'm leaving it longer and longer to reply. I'm not into playing games but there is a tiny bit of satisfaction that it annoys him.

I miss him so much but I miss the man he was.

Good morning Whatnext.

I'm de-lurking to give you my perspective, on what is happening with your DH.

But firstly i just wanted to say, how well you are doing. You are about 100x more strong than you think you are. You kept going into work for weeks, you have been for an sti check, you are standing up to your dh's daft demands, you went for the weekend to your parents, knowing they wouldn't be that supportive. You are doing fab i think.

You haven't curled up in a ball and not got out of your bed for the 5 weeks, you have soldiered on. I don't know where you get the idea from that you are weak.

Ok, for what it's worth, my take on the situation.

He's had his head turned by someone attractive, he fancies himself in love. He has chosen to harden himself against you, because he either needs to, to stop the guilt, or to stop the feelings that he is a despicable human being for hurting someone so bad.

So he makes out that you are causing him pain (ironic) or that you and your bad things are ruining his life. This justifies how he is treating you, and why he has moved onto OW.

However, he can't just erase 11 years like that (however hard he may try) it has only been 5 weeks, it takes years to override history, so places you have been together, adverts, songs, movies, food, places etc, that he comes across will remind him of you and your time together.

Hence the texts. He will (despite his best efforts) find it hard to just go non communicado, hell he might already be realising that the OW isn't all sunshine and flowers. He was trying to touch base by sending that supposedly error text.

I think he probably veers greatly between missing you one day, to being all hard and callous (with regards to his demands) to stop the emotions of guilt and despicableness again. The fact that he sends emails and then demands you reply via a text, tells me that he either wants to keep in touch or he wants to control his inner turmoil, by being cold, hard and practical.

The thing is, unless you want this to be the continued state of affairs, you need to law down the law of whatnext. You don't need to be deliberately obtuse about it (not that i think you would, as you sound lovely) but if it's not convenient, then the answer is no. If you generally don't want to do that, then the answer is no.

If you tell him that you want the keys off his parent's back by friday, or you'll change the locks- then you NEED to change the locks.

His instant reply was to say that he will give you them in 2 weeks?

HIS HE DEAF? No? Then he is deliberately ignoring what you say. Follow through, or he will continue to ignore any/all of what you say.

IMO, the best thing you can do, is change the locks this fri, bag up his things, tell him they are going to be outside between such a time at the weekend (your son can put them out there) and tell him you are having a break from the shit he has put you through (ironic again that you seem to have bad things happen to you, and yet he has caused this one) and you will not be available to respond to any texts or emails for 2 weeks. And then just ignore, ignore, ignore. You will have a much easier ride, if you tell HIM how it is and then do it. The stupid plonk, will catch on fast.

I know stuff about the house will need to be sorted eventually, but i think it wise to switch off from him for 2 weeks ans concentrate on whatnext.

Which county are you in? You said there wasn't much activity in the local pages. I'm pretty sure you will have some regulars on here willing to meet with a tissue and a shoulder.

Hi what....I'm a serial lurker but your posts really hit home with me as I've been where you are now & although it is a long slow road to recovery you'll get there just as I did.
There is definately no rushing in getting past the feelings you have currently...it's like mourning a death....the lovely man that I married suddenly didn't exist anymore....but was replaced by some heartless man that just looked like him but didn't act like him ! I spent forever just trying to get him to love me again.....he never did & I couldn't understand what had happened. I was left with a 6mth old DS
He explained to me years later that he felt he had to be nasty because he felt so guilty....it was only by blaming me could he get past it....and believe me the gorgeous OW is not so gorgeous now

Anyway....things didn't start getting better until I stopped asking myself the why's & how's and just started accepting the situation as it was & how I was going to move forward from it & I went out got my hair done, bought new clothes & plastered a false smile on my face & went with the 'fake it until you make it' attitude (even though I was dying inside) & then didn't tell him a damn thing about what I was up to......it drove him mad....and made me feel as though I had a little bit of control back ! Anything that gives you that confidence that you'll need !

Hello what.

First of all, an un-MNy squeeze to you. You are doing GREAT! Marvellous in fact. I take my hat off to you

Can I also second what sassy said about ignoring him.

My bastard wanker ex taught me two sayings which I always remember. The first is "No answer is the best answer". Nothing you can think of to say to him will annoy / affect / drive him madder than nothing. Don't answer his texts. Or emails. Just cut him off from the oxygen of your attantion which he will undoubtedly be getting off on. Just silence. I promise you that after a few days of finding it hard you will find much more peace.

The other thing he taught me was that "It'll be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end yet." This is also true. You will be OK. Better than OK. You will.

sassy - I think you are absolutely right. He is cold, heartless and practical as that is his way of detaching from me. BUT we did have many happy years and memories before he met OW and he will be reminded of them constantly. Maybe when he texts/emails it's because he's been reminded of them and his way to deal with it is to put his coldness onto me and wait for a response.

I think saying 2 weeks break would be a good idea and I will use that when I need to.

LostinGlos - I'm sorry you went through this as well and I long for the time when I can fake it til I make it. I look terrible, the pain is all over my face and I know people are worried about me and I need to get myself better. I haven't put make up on for weeks and have lost all confidence but people have been so kind, even in shops some sales staff say "take care" rather than have a good day.

BitOutOfPractice - thank you for the squeeze. The things he's contacting me about are his new bank card arriving, he's been waiting 2 weeks for it and I know he thinks I haven't sent it on but it hasn't arrived. If it's important 1) why not get it delivered to his new address or 2) why not contact his bank to see when they sent it?

Also, he wants me to sort out the guttering as it needs clearing and he said he'll pay for it but I can't be bothered about it at the moment, he mentions it every time but it's needed fixing for over a year so I don't know why he's so intent on me doing it right now. That's partly why he thinks I'm being unreasonable because he left so many jobs with his DIY and is now hassling me to sort them - and he'll pay. I can't be bothered.

I'm glad that the clinic is over for now What - you are doing well.

Your h sounds as if he is bombarding you because he is losing some "control" of you, and of the situation. You said he isn't the man you knew, and by not behaving as he predicts you will, you are turning into someone whom he can't second-guess, whom he doesn't "know" as well as he thought he did.

(good for you - you sound as if you are handling it well).

I hope your days get brighter soon. Remember he isn't the big I am anymore, you can dictate what happens and it sounds as if that is annoying the hell out of him. I think this will be exhausting, so please sleep and eat when you can - you have been through the emotional wringer, and it sounds as if he still has some wringing to do.

and for you x

Just saw your last message - absolutely put the responsibility back onto him regarding his bank card and the guttering. If you can't be bothered, it's fine - whether it gets done or not (especially about the bank card) doesn't affect you or ds!

what my XH did exactly the same, turned from a very loving considerate man, into a cold callous one, who didn't give a toss for my feelings and the fact that he had just walked out on me. It was all about him.

I was called childish, pathetic, cold, unreasonable..... I was called all of those things because I wanted him to have set regular contact with DD, not just when he felt like it. He was nasty to me on several occasions by text and I had done nothing wrong.

You ARE doing so well. It does take time to grieve, everybody is different and everybody deals with it in their own way, but you are being proactive, doing things, sorting things out.

I went round in a daze for weeks, crying every time somebody asked me if I was OK. People felt so sorry for me, but there was nothing they could do to take away the pain.

You are getting some great support on here and it will continue, I know that. So please keep on putting your feelings and thoughts on here, no matter what they are and somebody will always be here to help you through a bad patch.

Sorry - last one from me .

Please don't feel bad about the 2 weeks off. My dr signed me off for 4 days a few months ago - she could see I was in a state, although for different reasons, and she could see how it was affecting my physical health. She gave me a very stark warning that I was on the road to burnout, and that I was no good to anyone if I allowed that to happen. I did as she told me, and did not connect with work for the whole time. The world didn't stop turning, despite some of my customers predicting it would!

Bizarre re the guttering. my ex sent me a (hand-written) letter telling me, amongst other things, to regularly turn the mattress on the bed. even a emoticon doesn't cover it. It is absolutely bizarre.

He's playing with your head - i'm so sorry. he is the mad one here.

I know you long to hear from him - the warm him, the one who's gone - but please do try to go incommunicado. I'm concerned that you're telling him what you're doing (eg the locks). There's another longrunning thread on here - a woman who came home to find the house methodically cleared of all his belongings, down to the minutest detail (an OW in the wings of course ) - and from that day forth she cut all contact. it did his head in. he also planned to mess with her head but she didn't respond, even though she was in bits. She has definitely got the upper hand a year or so down the line.

he wants to hear from you so he can play you. i'm so sorry for all this but he's gone over to the dark side, he's not the man you knew. if he doesn't hear from you he can't play you. Well done for not responding to the random text.

you're doing much better than you think. So glad to hear you've taken time off work, lovely. you need to create a nest to heal xxx

Zhx3 - you're right, why am I worried about his bank card not arriving? I am worried because I think he'll assume (as he's said) that I haven't posted it on. It's his problem, he's an intelligent man. If he needs it now then he can contact the bank - or get his post redirected. I'm so surprised he hasn't done that as it would be the first thing I would do.

I am going to hold onto that - only focus on things that are for me and my DS. My H checked out, I should have no loyalty to him.

skye - how is your situation now? Do you feel stronger? Did he stop eventually with the coldness?

springylippy
There's another longrunning thread on here - a woman who came home to find the house methodically cleared of all his belongings, down to the minutest detail

That is very scary, he is unpredictable and he could do that. Thanks for letting me know that, I need to be more careful.

It's difficult to stop caring for someone after many years.

The problem comes in recognizing that the man you're caring for is gone - a fiction. And that you're alone. That's a hard one.

(Although being alone is not being lonely as you'll discover in due course.)

Glad I found you What, was on your last thread. You sounds a lot stronger, I'm so pleased. Thinking of you. Glad you have taken some time off x

I am not a good role model as I am very up and down and it is now 18 months on. But I think I need to go back on the anti depressants...

When he walked out and came back after we talked, he stayed for 6 weeks. During this time, I was walking on eggshells, afraid to say anything wrong in case I upset him and he left again. I discovered the contact with OW after he left for the second time. I came onto MN to ask how I could win my H back and was basically told, don't bother, forget him. Even then I begged him to come back. I was so shocked and sad and desperate.

He wrote me a very nasty letter, detailing all of my faults and why he didn't love me any more. Shortly after then, thanks to MN, I filed for divorce. He said he didn't see the point unless one of us met somebody else. I told him that I no longer wanted to be married to a man who could lie, cheat and betray me and walk out on his DD. i was also afraid that he would get into debt.

So he left in April, we were divorced by November. It could have been August, but I held on until we had sorted out the finances and house etc.

I went No Contact with him. He wasn't allowed in the house, I dumped all his stuff on the driveway in bags. I tried to only text him about DD (had one or two lapses).

He is now having a full on affair with his best mates wife. He is living in rented accommodation up to his eyes in debt. He is having problems getting it up. (thank you Karma ) His business is failing and he owes OW thousands. When the truth comes out he will lose his best mate.

I have my own successful business earning enough to get by. I have my own home and I am bringing up 5yo DD on my own. He sees her EOW and that is an effort for him.

So, although it doesn't seem like it to me sometimes, I know that I am better off now. I will be happier in the long run without him dragging me down. I go out a lot socially now. I have some great friends and me and DD are closer than ever.

sorry to ramble on.......

Well done on the clinic, What. It must have been tough, but it#s over now.

Most definitely get a locksmith on friday, regardless. He must be shown that his control over you evaporated the minute he went to OW. NO MORE! Lost bank card? Not your problem. Lost post? NOT YOUR PROBLEM!

Try to get a cheap PAYG phone and put your SIM in that, then leave it OFF. Put a new SIM in your old phone and tell trusted people the new number. Only turn old numebr on once a week or so for his messages.

And springy is right - he could feasibly let himself in and clean out the cupboards, the garage, the wardrobes...

What - you are doing better, it may not feel that way but you are starting to do things for yourself rather than just jumping to his demands in the hope that you will get him back.

I would be tempted to change the locks, you could say you got flustered and lost your key, which would not be surprising in the circumstances - you are signed off after all.

I dont think its acceptable that he gets to wander in and cherry pick what he wants from the family home, he will have no compunction in taking things you want or need I wouldnt expect any decency or consideration from the man he has become.

Ask him for a list of what he wants, tell him you will "bag it up" for him and he can collect it - it should be easier for you to take a deep breath and detach emotionally if you are communicating by email. Keep it cool, short, business like ......even if you sob like a baby afterwards dont let him know.

Does the house belong to you? The whole thing with clearing the gutters and coming in when you are not there, are you sure hes not bringing in an Estate Agent to get a valuation...I dont want to scare you but I would be suspicious myself.

I'd be tempted to tell the ar*se you are not bitching over his post, get it redirected like an adult you are not his secretary.

Can you give yourself a "time before responding" target for communicating with him, I think its unreasonable, abusive and controlling for him to say "dont contact me, but if I contact you it needs to be responded to immediately" What a charmer

As I said up the thread a bit - I'd go through the house this evening and remove and pack anything small you wouldn't want to see go - and then ask a friend to store the boxes in their garage for you. Or find another safe storage place.

There's a thing which is something like 'If I don't think it's important then no-one else has a right to think it's important either' so it's not impossible that you might find valued (to you) possessions removed yet put in a skip somewhere.

Deny him that. Even if you get the locks changed (and I sincerely hope and trust you will) slips can always happen.

(I say small only because I don't think he'd be able to get a fridge freezer in the boot of his car - or sneak a washing machine out of the house if he's managed to inveigle his way in.)

My solicitor said that possession is 9/10 of the law and that XH left the house and everything in it, therefore it was all mine . I am not sure if it really works like that though! But certainly, for now, he only gets his possessions. Things like furniture and electrical items etc can be sorted out later on. Do not under any circumstances let him in that house when you are not there.

Tell him to redirect the post asap and tell him that you will leave his post outside the door once a week for him to collect until he sorts the redirect.

Tell him to go ahead and sort out somebody to do the guttering. If doesnt need to be arranged with you, they wont need access to the house will they? He will be responsible for paying them if he is the one who arranges it.

They might well need access to the house to do guttering - depends what needs done and what shape the house is. But that's another matter.

Fuck the guttering (not literally ) Just ignore all those texts. They aren't important. As for the bank card, take it into your local branch when he arrives and advise them he's moved but you don't know where. And walk out. No need for any more involvement from you!

He lost the right to tell you what to do when he left. You are in charge now