Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

Think you're right about the doctor!!! He defo wouldn't have said that if it had been a tumour. The text thing is playing you too...dipping his toe in the water by sending an 'accidental' text.

Sounds like you handled the texting well. You stood up to him!! You are definately sounding stronger even if you don't feel it.

Imagine how much better you'll feel after these 2 weeks. You'll be rested and 2 weeks further down the line. As sad as you'll be with him collecting stuff that is a milestone. The house can become 'yours' then and not having reminders everywhere will help you in the long term.

Good luck tomorrow. Deep breath and get it over with. It really isn't too bad. If this wasn't a public forum I'd make you laugh with my anecdote of me waddling into a Sti clinic at 8 months preggers.....wasn't funny at the time but I can laugh now. God men are twats.

Nite nite xx

cjel - tonight I really don't think he can do anything else to hurt me. He asked for me to put my 'new rules' in an email to him probably so he had written evidence but I was careful to put in about the violence and infidelity and me being reasonable in giving him access. I don't know what he's going to come back with now but this is probably the first time I have laid out my plans - even though advice I've had isn't to tell him anything. The 'mistaken' text he sent was so out of character and it was undoubtedly to get a response from me.

MLS - thank you so much for thinking of me. The support I've had here has saved me so much, I cannot describe it.

what 2 weeks off will be so good. It's not too long that you feel cut off work etc but long enough to have some sleep, eat and rest. You sound thoroughly exhausted. Give yourself one maybe two things a day to do - finance phone calls Etc- then a shower and a walk somewhere . Don't make huge unachievable lists (like me). do you know anyone that's around in the day for a coffee? Watch a bit if rubbish telly.

Has he really said he's going to throw away 'memories'. In my experience those things get left behind in the cellar and attic. But my kids dad isn't the sentimental type and moved straight in with g/friend so no room. Good luck with the key request - you are sounding pretty damn strong compared to not long ago. Ok, is good enough for now. You're doing ok.

Part of the feeling of exhaustion (a goodly part, leaving aside the not-eating and sleeping properly) is because you're dropping things out. Over the next few weeks and months, you'll be starting to fill up that gap again - like gasping for water and being rejuvenated with a long cool drink.

OK - it won't be as dramatic as that, maybe, but - you'll see. Surprisingly, going to the STI clinic might actually be good for you. Doing it on your own and dealing with the emotions. A year ago, could you have conceived of your doing it?

mamma - I'll try and think of you when I'm in the waiting room and try and smile x

:) if you think people are staring at you and wondering why you're there....think of me. Did I get some stares and nudges THAT day! :) xx

I've never found stares and nudges in the waiting room, mamma but I confess that you at 8 months would have challenged me!

redundant - his words were be sure I will be disposing of them as he has no need for them. Have you thought any more about an appointment for yourself?

cozie - I will use this time to sort myself out. If I had ended my pain that Saturday, I wouldn't have had that stupid text from him - maybe things aren't so great for him as I imagine. I wouldn't have had a long chat with my DS about how he's feeling about things and for him to hug me lots this weekend. I need to hold onto that and the advice I get here in my dark times x

You're gaining strength and coming through. Sure it's slow and gradual - but I can see glimmers in your posts and I bet others can also.

Cozietoes...never had the stares since, the bump caused them all!

Whatnext...I'm glad you mentioned your sons hugs. Keep those close to your heart whenever you feel low. You're on the up girl. You hit rock bottom the other Saturday and you're on your way back up. All the cheerleaders are behind you. Don't forget that x

No app ... I don't actually know if he shagged her before he decided it would be a nice thing to shag me then send me packing. He said he hadn't but he's a proficient lier ain't he? So.., not sure what to do ... Stalling., good luck tomorrow . Take a magazine... Down load apps ... I will be thinking of you

Just get on the bus and drop in tomorrow, redundant. You should be able to go to clinics without appointments. You have to get it over with.

(Sorry for the hijack, What.)

My H wouldn't tell me when it started either and I knew even if he told me it was after we were 'close' then I couldn't trust him so I have to do this for myself.

We have to take care of ourselves x

Wise counsel, What.

Hi What

Just checking into see how you are doing my lovely. Sounds like today will be a stressful one so will be sending positive vibes from the other side of the world.

As others have said, taking time off from work will be a positive and necessary step. Its quite the opposite of having 'failed'...it is as you taking care of yourself. You should absolutely try and give yourself a break my love about still being teary and devastated. It is so recent and raw. You will still be in shock really. Its lunacy for others to believe that you will immediately bounce back (although bounce back you most certainly will).

I don't want to depress you as everyone has different timetables depending on their circumstances and personality but when I saw a counsellor about 5 months after our initial split, 3 months after the dear dolly email ending things (long story but essentially not so DH packed me off to UK and pretended he 'may' want to save marriage

Dolly - you always have such wise words. I'm sorry to hear that you lost the closeness of your family after the terrible time you had.

You are right, I know they want to fix me, to get me better but they can't force the issue, I know I need to heal and reading other posts, this is a process that I need to go through.

Thank you for your good wishes for today. Am just getting ready now x

Dolly, wise words.

Morning what- just popping in to say have a good day. The clinic will be a breeze...no big deal. Love the fact you're taking control of the situation.

I'll check in again with you tonight
X

Goodluck today What. I'm glad you're signed off for 2 weeks - and you don't need to explain to your family why. If they ask, then tell them you've got flu or a bad back or something. And agree that your DR os trying to tell you something - listen to him. He knows the results of your DH tests, and he cannot tell you. But he can tell you (and has) that dh is playing you. DH is stricken with his own guilt. (And that text is definitely to keep you guessing,keep you hanging on. He wants to maintain contact with you, to keep your pain alive. )

I'd change the locks straightaway and 'forget' to have one cut for dh. that will stop him jsut waltzing in and helping himself. I don't understand why he is insistent on throwing away memories? Can you bag whatever they are up and hide them? Surely they will be 'joint' memories so you have as much right to them as he does? (although do you want memories of happier times with him?)

......I don't understand why he is insistent on throwing away memories? ......

That's playing games as well. Trying to stir things up/make needless points/upset What and so on. He's still trying to exercise control.

It will be OK, What. Hard because of what it represents but the actual process of checking STIs is really quite banal. You'll do fine.

Well definitely make sure you don't miss any Gogglebox then!

I love what you said about your DS's hugs. Sometimes I can still remember the warm feeling of my DS's hugs hours/days later (he's only 5) - one time when I was away for 3 days the memory of his hug really sustained me. A really good feeling to bring to mind if you start feeling even more down or stressed.

Great news that you have 2 work-free weeks (don't even bother telling your family if you don't want to) and that you're taking some control where you can. Very assertive! Go girl!

It's done. I cried my way through it but the doctor I saw was lovely. She said that I need time and usually they say it takes at least 6 months for the grieving process so 5 weeks is no time at all. I should get my results on Friday or Monday.

My H has been texting and emailing me this morning, even though I told him what I was doing this morning, I haven't replied. He said there is no need for me to be so angry. He refuses to come when I'm in the house to collect his things and said he'll be here when I'm away this weekend. He said I'm being unreasonable and he wants to talk rationally but I'm too emotional right now so won't talk sense so he'll talk to me in the new year.

He said he can ask his parents to send their key back but there is no harm in them having it and they won't understand why I am insisting on them returning their key to my house. I said last night that if I don't get it by this Friday I am changing the locks and he said if I insist on getting it back then he will collect it from them in a couple of weeks. He has to have it his way - even after what he's done! He's really, really messing with my head.

He says no contact but then if I don't reply to his emails within 1/2 days, he texts me telling me to reply.

You have told him what will happen if you don't get the key back. So now you get the locks changed on Friday, which kills two birds with one stone - his parents can hang on to their key forever and don't have to return it, and also stops him coming into the house this weekend as you are away and won't be able to hand over his copy of the key until you are back.

Take that control away from him. Fulfil your promise. You said this would happen and he has chosen to ignore you. Just do it, and don't mention it to him, he's not two, he doesn't need reminding.

Oh what!!!!
He's a delight isn't he?!

He does t understand why you're being so unreasonable??? Actually you're being very reasonable. An unreasonable woman would've sold all his shit on eBay by now (now THEREs an idea.....)

5 weeks is no time at all....of course you're angry!

Stick to your plan and change the locks on Friday. He is being SO unfair on you. He wants it all his own way.

Well done for getting through the appointment. The doctor sounded kind. Unfortunately I expect your situation is one she sees all the time :(

What....don't let his contact today pull you under and totally ruin the day.

You've done a positive thing in getting checked. Your request for the key back is positive. Stay on that positive vibe. He's throwing his toys out of the pram be side this isn't all going his way.

Hugs x

jux - that's what I thought too. I actually hope they don't return it now so I can do that. I've told him my DS will be here this weekend anyway thinking it would stop him from coming but he's obviously not bothered about that and how he's abandoned him too.

I hadn't heard from him for a week then he sends me that weird text last night and now he's bombarding me with texts and emails demanding that I reply - today of all days.

mamma - I have the utmost respect for you. You really help me x

Stand firm what, don't change anything you have said to H previously. Be a person he doesn't know [as he has done to you] and he has to realise every issue is not going to be dictated by him.
I agree to change locks on Friday, then that's another issue you have taken control of, in an adult fashion. You will feel better and safer I think, and a good use of your time off work.
You are doing ok, thinking straight and your strength is coming through your posts. Glad the test is over, your DR sounds supportive. Lovely that your DS gives hugs and you two have a great team there, no one can ever take that away.
I hope you have a better day and evening.