Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

what I have been concerned for your DS as he's lost something to, sounds like he has told you how he feels , must be awful thinking 'he never said goodbye'. What a bastard- sorry. Bless his poor wet feet. But hey - you got through the weekend and you are leaps and bounds away from last weeks feelings. Least you had company today and you can rest up now and hopefully get some good sleep tonight. Rekaxtion techniques in bed - something I have yet to master - I just breathe deeply a lot but its distracting enough. We are both at 5 weeks in... 5 weeks away from the bombshell . I guess it can only be up from here. Lets get the Pom poms and hot pants out and whack on some Abba. We are with you hun

What...
Sorry you've not quite had the support you should. Some people find it really hard to see their loved ones go through upset. They just don't know what to do or say. They just want you to be better so you're not in pain anymore. I'm sure they love you very much, in time they'll be able to support you in other ways hopefully.

In the mean time you have us...your hot pant wearing, Pom Pom waving team whatnext cheer leaders :)

You do sound stronger whatnext, you really do. I'm sorry your ds is so sad. Is there anyway you could plan something nice to do, just you two in the next few weeks? I know money is tight but it would give you both something to look forward to and chat about.

Hugs whatnext....another day, another weekend closer to you finding your new happiness.

We are all behind you....

You have all been my strength, I'm not sure if you have any idea how much you have saved me. I know it's 'virtual' but you really have saved me.

I have had some dark, scary thoughts since last weekend and I am worried about myself but I will try to get myself better xx

You will get yourself better--bit by bit day by day.
You will get there

You really really really really will get through this and be happy againxx

What As Scarlett O'Hara said ' tomorrow is another bag of shite day .

It may be virtual but there are real people behind the posts.

Your sister sounds like a real Job's Comforter. Have you had a difficult relationship with her in the past at all? It almost sounds as if she's enjoying the situation.

She works in the legal profession so always seems to have her work head on. We are close but emotionally she admits she just switches off.

I know they are all worried about me and yesterday especially seeing me having panic attacks and curled in a ball. They wondered what brought it on yesterday but they don't understand that I'm like that most days. Tough love might work at some point but I really, really can't handle it right now. I will get there but I have never known pain like this and it is all new to me.

Thank you cozie for reminding me there are real people behind the posts, I am so grateful for all the support x

I'm praying for you (no idea if that helps) xxx

they wondered what brought it on? like, DUH. They sound emotionally truncated people tbf

Oh well done What, for getting through the weekend.

Your son is grieving too but his loyalty to you and his recognition that his father has behaved atrociously is part of his way of dealing with that. He can see that you and he are a team. I don't think it matters that he is witnessing your tears and pain - this is a life-lesson for him as a young man and he clearly has buckets of empathy which he is putting to good use!

Agree that planning something nice for the two of you to do together is a great idea.

It's still very early days for you. I expect you are counting the days/weeks and hours since the implosion and probably angsting that the trauma and tears have not yet subsided, but there is no time-scale for the initial shock waves to begin to lessen; your family are all wrong in thinking that you should be feeling 'better' by now. They hopefully mean well, but honestly, don't let their own frustration at seeing you down, cloud the fact that you need to recover at your own pace and in your own time.

But recover you will.

Sending you strength and love and warmth.

Just wanted to send you a bit more strength.

Those baby steps are adding up now.

Keep on keeping on pet

Whatnext074 hope the coming week is better for you. Little by little, step by step, you'll get there.

Just saw your responses on another post on here, someone who needed help/advice in a bad situation. In all that you're going through, you still took the time to respond thoughtfully. You're a good person.

There will be people who will empathise with you, and try to uplift you. Thats who you keep around you.

& I agree with plinkyplonks

Well done for getting through the weekend What. Good idea about having some plans to keep you going; do you have anything nice planned this week? I think it can be small stuff but something that you like, will cheer you up, things to look forward to. A TV programme you make time for, a book; a long bath; a shop you like... What does it for you?! Can you plan a small "thing to look forward to" for each day?

Also remember if the darker feelings come back that you still have options you can turn to - the Dr, the crisis team that someone mentioned, friends, your DB, your DS... Please do reach out to one of them if it gets really bad.

Anyway I think you've been doing really well. I hope today has been kind to you.

I feel a bit of a failure. I have now been signed off for 2 weeks with stress. I can't tell my family, I don't know what to say. I just couldn't sit at my desk anymore crying. I am a shell of myself.

I have my STI tests tomorrow morning and just couldn't face going in to work. I know I need to see a solicitor about my finances and I'll do that this week or next.

He text me tonight saying, 'I'm sitting in front of it now and I have nothing'. I know he text me by mistake but my mind is going crazy wondering what he was doing at the time.

I am a mess, I want to be angry even with what I'm facing tomorrow but I can't be angry, I'm too sad over everything.

By the way Lily the only thing I pay any attention to is Gogglebox. It's the only thing that makes me smile.

Whatnext - you are in no way a failure. You have had a big trauma to deal with, been in shock, have a lot to deal with and a lot of recovering to do. You are having some time off work as a break in order to get things sorted and to recharge your batteries. Where is the failure in that? It's just pure common sense.

We all have times when we need to regroup, rethink, recharge our batteries, we all [most of us] have some sort of bad thing to deal with. We all deal with what life throws at us differently.

IMHO you need good food and rest, time to grieve, time to think, time to deal with practical issues, time to get help. There needs to be some support system in place, find a support group or a counsellor, plan days with your son, arrange times to talk to friends etc.

This is a good opportunity to find out about anything you can get involved with in the community in the future, any classes etc. - when you feel able to, of course not before. But make little plans, small reachable goals and daydream - a holiday, a spa day, anything you like doing.

Get tomorrow over, and see this time as a chance to feel a bit better. I know it's clichéd but it's always darkest before dawn, without rain there would be no flowers. You will blossom one day, just hang in there, you are coping and lots out here wish you well.

Hey what....

You're not a failure at all. It's a good thing I think. You're exhausted. You can rest, eat little and often and get somewhere with the start of the finances if you want to.

One thing I'd advise is now you'll not have routine of work, make sure you get out every day. Walk to the park, walk to pick up milk instead of driving to supermarket, visit friends....walk to the high street for coffee and cake. Don't sit in all day...it's seems to drag my moods down further. I can feel terribly low but the minute I'm walking with the fresh air on my face my mood lifts.

You've done another day my dear whatnext. Even if its been a sad day...you've done it.

Try not to dwell on the text. Mind over matter. I know it's hard just try not to dwell in what it meant. It won't help you...
Xx

Is your friend going with you for Sti tests?? Xxx

Thank you so much bluebird.

Goodness, What - not a failure at all. You need those two weeks to recover a little from the things that have been happening to you. (By the way, if you've been given two weeks, you'll likely get signed off for more than that when you next go back. Take it.)

Hope tomorrow goes OK. I think you'll feel surprisingly better when you've got past it - but let us know how you get on. There will likely be people here all day.

You're doing so well.

PS - the odds against him sending a sinlge 'mistaken' text to you are really quite large, my dear. I'd wager at least a modest amount that he's gaming you.

Ignore it.

mamma and cozie you have been so wonderful to me.

I didn't reply to his text and then 3 hours later he text me saying sorry he has a head cold and doesn't know what or who he's texting. I think it was to see if I would respond. None of it made sense. I know I should be no contact but he said he was coming this weekend when I'm not here to collect his things and to dispose of our memories that I bagged up - I never wanted them thrown away so it turned into a text/email 'discussion'.

I told him that I wanted to be here when he was here as he had said he was throwing things away and I don't trust him with what he takes as he hasn't said what he's taking. I told him his violence for 2 months and his infidelity showed that I couldn't trust him. He denied he was violent (as he never actually hit me) and said he was being reasonable. He said I was angry too! A 6' man against a 5'2" woman who has just found out about an affair is no match. I was angry that day but I never intimidated him. I never punched walls.

My doctor (who knows my H health results) said to me tonight that my H is playing me and displaying guilt transference. My doctor cannot tell me or give any indication of my H results but I'm sure if it was a tumour then he wouldn't have said that to me.

I have laid it out to him now, I asked him 4 weeks ago for his parent's key back. I said if they don't send it by Friday then I'm getting the locks changed and will give him a key. I said he cannot come here when I'm not here. It will either go one of 2 ways now, he'll see a solicitor and shaft me even more or he will release some of the control he has been holding over me. I really don't think he can hurt me anymore, I am done, I am exhausted.

Tomorrow will be hard but it's something I need to do.

I will try and use my time off wisely and try and build up the confidence to go for walks. Thank you for your continued support.

If he sees a solicitor thats good news for you. He can't shaft you my lovely and I am amazed that you have handled all this txt rubbish so well and standing up to him over collecting his stuff. Would it also be possible maybe to change locks, get keys cut and not get round to passing one his way?!

Whatnext I was on your other thread & I'm so glad I've found you again as I've been thinking about you loads.

Well done on being so strong. You are not weak. You need the time off work to try and get your head together a bit.

Can you bag up your H's stuff and dump it outside for him? That's what I did with my XH's stuff after he walked out.