Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

Even if you don't feel it, you are coming across as a bit stronger and clear-headed every day What. am glad you had chicken and pasta - I had fish and chips!. Your ds sounds lovely - I hope mine look after me like that when they are a bit older!

Upthread I asked what annoyed you about your h, and you mentioned just one thing - that he didn't brush his tongue even though he was a smoker, but you were too scared to tell him. Can I ask what it was that made you scared?

Reading through your posts, I am finding plenty of annoying things about him .

He does sound as if he is enjoying keeping you on your toes. Remember just because he says, doesn't mean it has to be. I am a people pleaser by nature, so I find it hard to push back, but ultimately when I do, the situation nearly always turns out better for me.

If there was a cottage pie emoticon I would put it here, but in the meantime, will have to do.

Another day over, What. you've achieved a lot this week .

Morning What. I hope you had a good night.

unlikely I love that idea. It's so hard to say no when you're used to trying to please others all the time. Morethan that, it's the realisation that you don't have to justify your decision to anyone. No is the whole sentence.

You don't have to say, for example, 'No, I am not filing for divorce because I am not ready'. You can just say 'no.'

I think the need to justify your 'no' is the next thing to always trying to accommodate others. It's good to realise you don't need to. I might practice that myself!

unlikely - you are right, he was totally spoilt by his parents and still is the blue-eyed boy who can do nothing wrong. He has a 'strange' relationship with his DM. When he was going through the list of all our 'dramas' that he was fed up of with losing babies, my robbery etc, he said he wasn't brought up that way to have these things happen - like I was!! He had a very protective childhood and cannot face reality. Couldn't even be there for his DB when his DD died.

Zhx3 - I didn't want to upset him over the whole tongue brushing thing, to tell someone they have bad breath is very upsetting and I never want to hurt people's feelings. I made a joke of it sometimes just saying that I gag when I brush my own tongue but he didn't cotton on to what I was saying.

I have decided that I don't want him in the house when I'm not here, I live here, regardless of him saying he'll only take his things, I can't trust him - he's proved that.

Morning WHAT,
I think you are wise to think that you can't trust him,its a horrid though but could save further hurt.
Hard to learn to put your needs first as well isn't it?
Heres and for a good dayx

What

This may sound unnecessarily paranoid but I'm remembering his statement that he'd be throwing out some of your memory stuff.

Have a look round the house and see if there's anything that you would really hate to lose - for whatever reason. Then, if they're smallish things which aren't needed for day to day living, pack them and give the boxes to a friend or relative to put in their attic temporarily.

I know you said you wouldn't be allowing him in the house by himself but things happen and if you had treasured stuff stashed away safe for the duration you'd likely feel happier.

You sound very strong today. What! I was gobsmacked by the accusation that you had caused his pain. I agree that it was probably his guilt that caused it! His health is now his own problem; even if it is a tumour, it's not your fault or problem and there is nothing you can do for him. (haha she will have to live with it - the 'sexy' treatment, the whinging, the constant reassurance - bet her feet wont touch the ground!)

And he was 'not brought up' to have these things happen? Is it your upbringing that causes miscarriages? Who knew? How is it than that his own DB has 'these things' happen? He was presumably brought up in the same way?

He is laughable. And he sounds vile.

Oh and next time you contact him (hopefully in a long, loooong time!) you could casually mention that you've had a STI check (which will hopefully be negative) and maybe he could think about having one too!

Of course if it's positive you will have to tell him I think

what I was going to ask if you're sure your H had unprotected sex with OW but he's lied about everything else anyway so what's the point. It genuinely hadn't crossed my mind. I can see that there would be a Degree of satisfaction in telling him he should get one done too. But you would have to contact him which is not good. .perhaps keep it as a emergency option? I'm in denial.

What. I think you are right to be in the house when he collects his things I let my ex in (and was here but house on multiple levels) in the immediate aftermath and he stole mine and my sons passports (didn't find out till many months later -- we live in ex's country so I guess he was worried I'd run away - tempted but covered by Hague Convention so a non starter....) And I'd make sure you have a friend or family member with you for support.

With the STD stuff, I'd leave it. Minimise contact. Have at least a 24 hour rule on any responses to texts or emails (again a case of do as I say not do as Dolly did.....). Re his inability to support you through losses. Mine did same (miscarriage, ectopic, medical termination prior to IVF) then in his Dear John email (one up from a post it I guess...) used them as reasons that we pulled apart. Nice story were it not for the fact he was in a relationship with OW from time my son was 9 months old and so somewhat distracted. Like you, I can see some of why he is the way he is via his family dynamic.

You don't feel it or are able to see it now but I am guessing that were the strong one in your marriage. You've survived the shit things that you outline and despite your obvious agony at end of marriage, I can see in your posts more than a glimmer of a wonderful, strong, smart person.

My (posh) granny used to say there were good eggs and bad eggs in this world. You my lovely girl are a good egg. Your H on the other hand....

Lots of love from the other side of the world xx

oh I do love you dolly

Yes whatnext...you are a good egg. Keep remembering that. It's important! You are a good egg, who deserves good things. Keep focused.
You're sounding stronger
X

Hi what how was your day ?

You HAVE to stop contacting him. The way I managed to stop it was by realising the cycle it becomes. You feel bad, you contact them, they don't give you the answer you want to hear, you feel worse. You have to detach.

This. So true. 7 weeks on from my life imploding. Someone also said to me don't ask questions. You never get the answer you want or you get lies. neither helps. just put all your questions in a metaphorical box and file it away in your head.

He is being extremely manipulative. Of course he's got his medical results and there's nothing wrong. he's just keeping you hanging (another reason to leave him well alone). if he was really ill he'd have told you and balmed it on you.

One day at a time. .

Felinesad....I also had the BRILLIANT advice not to ask questions. The why me/why/ what if....my sister was really blunt and just told me to stop. She said "because life is shit sometimes"...."what's important is what you do NOW. What part of this can you control??".
She was so right. Bloody helped through the hardest days of my life that conversation.

What......what can you control now??? U can't control what he's done. You can't turn the clock back. You can't stop your pain right away. BUT what can you control???

U can stop him from giving you shitty responses to emails. By not contacting him. You can stop him from him making demands (ie you must be out of house) by telling him what YOU want And telling him that's the way it is.

As soon as you stop contacting and take even a smidgen if control back- you'll feel better.

I know you say it'll be easier once finances and divorce stuff is bit more sorted but no contact will help you gather strength in short term. It's like cold turkey....horrendous in short term, but massive long term benefits.

Hugs to you dearest what....hope you're ok
Xxx

Hi what stick with the control advice. I did it today - I contacted my EXP's old landlord/friend and asked if I could leave EXP's keys and stuff (presents I no longer want) with him. He was very kind and offered to text EXP and ask for my keys back and anything else he chooses to return. Then I will arrange at my convenience to drop off/collect. My friend has offered to come with me. It may be a small thing but it feels like its my idea, my timing. So , there must be something you can do - is there a mutual friend / relative that can be in the house when your EXP wants to Collect his things at a time convenient to you? Is he going to want items of furniture - might be worth making a mental list of what you are ok/not ok with parting with. Sorry if that seems a bit harsh. Hope you survived your day with parents and that your DB was supportive .

well done redundant, Its really hard dealing with all these stages isn't it.
They all have to be gone through we can't avoid them if we want to move on.
I also hope you had a good day.x

Sounds like a great move redundant. You're sounding in control and focused. One foot in front of the other....
Hugs to you too x

I hope you're doing OK this evening Whatnext, I hope your family are being supportive. Thinking of you.

How did the family thing go, What ?

How was your weekend what? Hopefully infinitely better than last weekend ?

Thank you for all the messages and love. You have all talked so much sense.

I sobbed my way through the weekend with my family, was told many times to "stop it" and then decided the best thing to do was just not to talk, just let some members of my family say what they felt I needed to do and say how they think I should feel now - after all, "it's 5 weeks now and I shouldn't still be crying".

I love my family completely but I find events hard as there is someone missing. When I cried while driving, my DS simply handed me a tissue and didn't say anything, he is so wonderful but I know I am hurting him as he doesn't want to see me like this.

At one point at my Dsis house, I was so bad, I asked her to get my DS, I just needed a hug from him but she said I cannot do this to him and he shouldn't see me like this.

My Dsis said if I carry on like this I'll lose my job. She is a very practical person and is really helping me with practical things but isn't very good with emotional things.

My DM was okay with me, she had a talk with me and said sorry for what she has said recently but that she's just worried and just wants me better.

Some of my family haven't seen me for a few weeks and were shocked with how I looked now. I know I look dreadful but haven't got the inclination at the moment to do anything about it.

It was raining heavily and my DS was wearing pumps and his feet got soaked and we were standing round all day. I said to him that he should have worn his boots and after me questioning him on it when he said he didn't want to, he said he won't wear them because "that c**t" had bought them for him. My heart broke, he would rather get soaked than wear something my H bought for him. It has impacted on my DS so much, he got a bit drunk last night and said to me that my H never even said "bye" to him. He brought him up for 11 years and has just abandoned him too.

I am a step on from last weekend but I know if I didn't force myself to have plans then I could end up back where I was.

Well it's over with now. I bet you were glad to get back to your house.

Yes, you're a step on from last weekend and you're not now going to be back where you were.

Your DS sounds like a brick by the way.

Oh What Your family sound just like mine!!! Really unhelpful and unsupportive, A long story which I won't go into here but it now looks like I will be spending the whole of Christmas alone (I have to work Christmas Day) because of what my family think is 'best'. Ex will be having the boys...

Thankfully I have a best friend who is totally supportive and even tunred up today with a little gift to cheer me up.

I'm 7 weeks post affair discovery/walkout and I spent most of this weekend in tears despite having spent nearlly two weeks without a single tear and thinking I was coping. It just hits you like a cricket bat sometimes...!

Just remember it's one day at a time and sometimes you have to cry it out before you can pick yourself up again.

I think you have managed this weekend so well. I bet part of your tears is not having the support you need from your family. I still cry after 2 years although in a strange way it is without the pain if that makes sense,I no longer show my dd and ds when I'm upset as I want them to build a relationship with their dad and as they are starting to and if I showed them how upset i get that would spoil it . (They are 31 and 29)I can and do cry with my dsis though if I feel like it and never get told I shouldn't be like it.

I hope you know they are wrong and that this few weeks is no time at all to get over this?

Feline, Sorry for you but glad you have a good friend. One good friend is worth several bad familyxxx

:( Sorry to hear your family aren't been as supportive as they should be.

But each day is a battle that you are winning - when you are earning your respect, your strength, your love and your new life. Your morphing slowly into a better, stronger, happier and healthier you!!

It look me a long time to get over my ex... most people I know have taken 2-3 months at least to get back to some sort of 'normal' life where most of the time was not consumed by the past. These things take time and every day you are making progress. This grief will pass and you WILL be able to move on!! :)

I do think you should be kind to yourself. Treat your body well - good, nice healthy food. If you can try and find some sort of exercise where you can clear your mind. I took up running and it definitely changed my life for the better mentally.

Every day is a new challenge and achievement, you are doing so well - even if you can't see it yet! x