Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

Massive hugs What. It's it ok to sob, there will be up days and down days, but you will be fine. Better than fine.

As for the other thing, control? He wants to make sure you're thinking about him? I don't know for sure, but you need to concentrate on you. Be kind to yourself. What's for dinner?

Yes, I begged him for weeks to see GP, it was so bad he was holding his side most of the time. In the end I booked an appointment for him - this was before I knew about OW. A friend of mine passed away from a tumour and his behaviour was much the same as my H and it turned out it was the tumour that was making him that way - which is why I was so worried about my H. When he shouted at me that I'm causing his pain, I stayed calm and said I am worried and if I wasn't then I wouldn't have booked appointment. He is never sick. The GP said he would be 'unlucky' to have cancer at his age even though he was showing all the symptoms. Now I believe there is nothing serious wrong and it was just the stress of his deceit.

I know I have to stop contacting him, but I just worry about coming home and tv etc being cut off. Until I can get to see a solicitor to agree finances - hopefully next week.

My DS has a driving event tomorrow so all my family are going, I'm staying at my DBs tomorrow night. At least I have something planned and I hope I will be tired enough after the journey to sleep.

BigWoooooo - thank you for asking, I did have small bit of chicken and pasta with my DS.

Because he's NOT decent. He hasn't been decent, has he? He may have been decent at one time, but he's not decent now. He's a shit, in short.

I think you can 'rest' assured that it isn't life-threatening. It's probably not so terrible but he is so in thraw to his drama that he wants to spin it out. Him keeping you hanging - honestly, is there no end to his cruelty. Let's hope it's so serious that it gives him endless pain. He's probably got a bad case of the guilts, which is ravaging his body. In which case it may have made it 'worse' when he was with you - he was faced with the reality of the shitty thing he was doing. (Not that I actually believe it made it worse when he was with you tbh)

I tell you what, he's got it coming to him. We all talk about karma/reaping what you sow on these threads and I for one have seen it in my own life. It doesn't happen immediately but it certainly does come. I didn't believe in it, not really; thought it was something people said to help them make sense of an appalling situation. I believe in it now. I feel sorry for the person who did me over but not that much .

By the time it comes you'll be so far beyond this awful time. So many women say that men like this did them a favour when they left. Not that they saw it at the time, of course (((hug))). But if someone can do something as appalling as this, you don't want that person in your life.

That's all very well but you have to face now and today; and the dreadful feelings of loss, betrayal, confusion. Please take heart from all the women on here who have been through this and come out the other side: you will get through this. You really will

You have a lovely boy - and you have us. imo that's not bad going. Some people have lots of people on their side (I'm not one of them btw ie there aren't many in my corner) but ime the smallest bit of love and support can be a real boost to keep you going. A kind word, a kind gesture, can really go a long way. There are a lot of broken hearts around (for various reasons) and you get to meet them when you become one of that club. You wouldn't volunteer to be part of it, not in a million years; but it's a priceless club and I for one am glad I got a taste of it.

Keep going, precious. Take care

So glad that you have plans, that sounds nice. Also good you managed dinner...you're slowly, slowly sounding better. I know, you're so worried about the tv etc. he still has control. Yes, once these things are sorted etc you'll feel more in control.

You sound so lovely, he really abused your kindness. Take that kindness and b kind to yourself now.
You've done another day whatnext. One foot in front of the other...you're getting there x

Hey - that's a good tea! I have been living on tinned soup, rice pudding and rich tea biscuits. The food will do you the world of good. Now i know you still love and care for him but his health is his business.. He's not bothered to ask you about your health has he? Well done for getting through another week at work. Hope there is someone you can sit with/ confide in at lunchtimes. Someone posted a thread with a link to a report about 'what to do when a colleague is crying' . It was interesting reading . Hope you are looking after yourself , sleep well, glad you have something planned for the weekend. Company is good, and don't feel you have to put on a brave face.

It's good that you're eating. Keep your strength up! You'll get there. I wouldn't chase him about the test results. He's obviously playing some kind of game. Don't play along.

I had chicken too.

Redundantandbitter...hope you're ok and you also have nice plans for weekend. In danger of sounding like a nag but try to eat something but more substantial if/when you can x

Mamma my mum is with me. Standing over me with evening primrose oil and fancy face creams. It's going to take more than that but least she isn't judging, which must be hard. I have 2 DDs and hope that neither of them will go through any of the awful traumas I keep reading here. Suffering makes me aware of others' pain . Sorry, whatnext didn't mean to hijack your thread

I have had a little bit of soup for past few days so 'solid' food is a bit strange but I know I needed to have something.

I did read the article and it was interesting. When I was so bad today, I just wanted to shout out to everyone that my H has left me for OW and that's why I'm the way I am - I even pictured myself doing it and started to grind my teeth to stop it. I am very private in RL but I am just trying to reach out and ask for help.

I have a difficult time next week, my H refuses to tell me when his affair started so I have my STI tests booked next week.

redundant (still haven't changed your name) - you have been a great support so no 'sorry' needed x

Redundant- glad you're mums there with you :)

Whatnext...that is shit :( do you have a good friend that would go with you?
X

Hi whatever, I just wanted to say that your strength is an inspiration x

what next*

Oh lord, STI's. that's a horrible thing to have to face. I am in denial that my exp has slept with yoga lady .. I know we had slightly bonkers unprotected sex the last time I saw him . (Frustration/tension?). We would always discuss protection - but not this time. Would you believe he refused to orgasm / saving it for her. Sorry if that's too much information for you. That could still mean I need a test too though right? I'm in NC so not going to ask him. What to do?

STI tests are very matter of fact and discreet, What. Good luck when you go.

As for that Dog In A Manger you used to call your husband? I feel seriously angry and I wasn't even involved with him. He can't bear to give up control, can he? The email address, the peremptory 'visit' scheduling, the laying of his illness at your door (and that does beggar belief) and so on and so on. He wants the ego gratification of your distress as an underpinning to his new relationship. Sheezz.

Glad you're eating a bit. Once you get started on that you should be able to keep going. Get yourself a few things for the fridge - packs of sliced salami, a jar of peanut butter, a few nibbles etc so that every time you pass the fridge you can have a small something. That will help to keep you up physically.

It suddenly dawned on me that I needed to have it done and when I said it to my GP he agreed, my GP had waited until I suggested it as he knew it was something I needed to do. I've been thinking about asking a friend to come with me as I'm sure I'll be in bits, have to have blood tests for HIV as well as 'invasive' tests but it's very personal so not sure yet if I can ask a friend to wait for me outside.

I think without question it is something that needs to be done as he wouldn't have been using protection and who knows where his OW has been, she clearly has no morals. redundant - that is so sad, my H did the same to me before I knew about OW - I felt so used.

KnightMare - thank you but I don't feel inspirational, I'm sorry. I suppose one week on from my darkest moment, I'm still here and that is a small victory for me.

( redundant - just go and get one. Better to know if there's a problem and get some meds for it. Or to know there's not, fingers crossed.)

Huge victory, What. You were very very low last weekend.

cozie - you're right, it IS bad isn't it, he has put me through so much in the past 3 months and continues to do so. I don't think straight so I don't realise but when you put it down, he is controlling and he has no right. He should be hanging his head in shame, not tormenting me.

Yes redundant you need to go :(

It's not as bad as you think....take a friend whatnext and they can just wait outside. Just nice to have somebody to sit in waiting room with x

Oh yes, it's bad. Once you're thinking a bit straighter I swear you'll laugh in angry disbelief.

Hi what, you are doing fantastically. Well done. Some food, able to get to work, another week under your belt. Great.

Saying that you caused your H's pain or that it's worse when he's with you is a) laughable and b) unnecessarily bitchy.

His diary sounds like the tedious, babyish ramblings of a fourteen year old with a crush.

You must not contact him as it sets you back... Plus, total radio silence from you will give him ball-itch and piss him right off. Truly it will.

His health issues are not your problem anymore. They now belong solely to his delightful OW and his doting, blind, cold parents ha!. This OW has bagged a right stud hasn't she, with his side pains, his deceitful arrogance and his whining.

Your ILS reaction is interesting and can provide some insight into why this selfish man-child has suddenly cast you away. It sounds as though he was spoiled rotten as a child - and then, there were you, his lovely wife, also spoiling him rotten probably. He stamped his foot and all the doting people around him jumped. He has an inbuilt sense of entitlement that can never be erased. When you fail to do his bidding now - ie get the divorce rolling, flog the house etc - he will get all shitty and dummy-spitting.

Knob knob knob.

Something they taught me at Women's Aid was this simple idea: 'No' is a complete sentence. We had to practise saying No to each other (this was the WA Pattern Changing Course) and crikey it was so hard after a lifetime of trying to please everybody including people who had crapped all over us.

I repeat: ' "No." is a complete sentence.'

So...
No, you will not tolerate his demands any further.
No, you will not be available on such and such a date.
No you will not start divorce proceedings.
No you will not allow him in the house when you are not there.
No. No. No.
No - until YOU are ready and willing to grant anything to the knobish bastard. Practise saying "No!" at yourself in the mirror.

Handing you a Big slice of life-enhancing sticky treacle pudding I made for Ds' tea tonight and a Huge glass of Viognier. x

De lurked to say, the more you text / call / respond to him, the more valuable he looks to OW.
Don't feed into it!
Don't make him look good.

You are doing great by the way.

If and when you feel up to it send a short text to your H

Been for STI check and have had surprising results. Suggest you get yourself tested... (even if they are negative it will be a surprise to you). Give no more information and do not engage further. Let him go through the same tests as you have had to..
I know it is game playing but also a bit of karma for him