Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

itsmeisntit - sadly and shamefully, if I didn't reply, I would like to think he's wondering what I'm doing but he has a whole new life and wants nothing to do with me, he's made that clear. I do feel ashamed that I want him to miss me, to wonder what I'm doing but I know he won't.

I think if he insists that day then I will say I am off work. Thinking about it, I actually don't think it's unreasonable for me to be in the house when he's collecting his things. It would tear me apart to come back to things missing even though he says he'll only take his stuff. If I feel I can't be here then I think I'll say for someone else to be here, that's not unreasonable.

Not unreasonable at all. He can't dictate when you're in and out of the house, just to assuage his guilty conscience. But yes yes to having a friend there.

Hi what, just thought I'd pop back to remind you that you don't have to do anything he wants. I know you are not feeling strong but you can stand up to him. You could just email him back and say its not convenient for him to come around and won't be for the foreseeable future. Tell him he can get his stuff when you're ready to deal with it. You owe this man nothing. Put yourself first, you don't need this right now.

Zhx3 - I honestly don't think he feels guilty at all. As far as he's concerned, he ended it with me and then slept with me, even though he wrote in his diary that he watched her undress and then slept next to her but insists nothing happened - he is lying. He used to be rational, the person who talked sense but now he thinks he's done nothing wrong. 'Comforting' his OW over her Dad dying yet he couldn't be there for his wife over the lost little ones, or there for his DB or BIL over their daughters passing away. In his mind, he is being a good man because he is helping her and she (apparently) understands his grief. It's so messed up.

I would have always been there for him but I was the painful reminder of our grief and now he is wiping me out in the most cruel way. When I'm gone I doubt he'll miss me.

What. Sadly, right now, you are probably right. He is the hero in his own story right now. But its his story and not THE story (which is far less palatable and not one he will wish to recognise right now). You know the story of your life together - as do many others - and despite the fact it is an inconvenient truth for him - its doesn't negate what it was.

In terms of the coming to get his things, then having a friend there if it does come to that particular date is a very very good thing. I'm guessing your home is in joint names so he can technically still access things. However, it is entirely reasonable for you to suggest more suitable dates and times for him. Going forward its important to remember that just because someone says or writes something it doesn't mean that it is 'has' to happen. You can suggest your own preference. You may need to meet down the middle but you have choices and options, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

In terms of sleep. I am not a person who had previously taken sleeping tablets are really any form of medication and in the eye of my storm went to Dr to ask for non-presc recommendations as very much opposed to taking prescription sleeping tablets (not sure why, just was scared I guess, partic as had 2 year old)....there isn't a one size fits all so take individual advise but my Dr (female who had been through divorce) said it was up to me but in her opinion lack of sleep would be much more impactful and detrimental to my health than sleeping tablets as without sleep you can't reason or function effectively. I took them for 3 months and for me, was a very good thing to get me over the hump (and nowadays they are quite clever and I always woke up when my son needed me and was not groggy etc the next day)....

The irony is, is that whens something like this happens, you have to - over time - not right in this instant - make many decisions at precisely the moment that you are least physically and emotionally equipped to do so. So as much as is possible you need to look after yourself take time off from work if you are able, see your Dr, rely on your friends and family. Don't react immediately to demands from ex take time to think through (btw this is a do as I did NOT do...wise after event....)

Lots of love Dolly

PS mrsmciver - I am so pleased that mine and the other wonderful ladies advise on your thread helped you. I know that I received some wonderful counsel on here that helped in the dark moments -- these boards can be such an important layer of support xx

Dolly - you have such wise words. I have never taken sleeping tablets or ADs before, even in my dark moments but I know I need so much help now to deal with my horrible thoughts.

I cannot function properly at all for past few weeks. I am a stranger to myself.

I definitely need to exercise control and not reply to his messages straight away. At the times I have left it a few days, he has text me to ask me to reply to his emails. Therefore, maybe it does bother him when I don't reply or maybe it bothers him that I'm not answering his demands about bills etc as his emails are quite 'clinical'. There's no point in second guessing as he's not the man I loved for 11 years. I can't help it, I still hope there is a tiny bit of 'him' left.

Aww Whatnext074 hugs

I have just read your thread, and it had me in tears and DH very upset :( I know you love your husband, but I just want you to know that there are people here who worry about you and care for you and want you to get through this.

Your husband may not 'care' anymore, but honestly, who gives a fuck about him. He is not worth your time. You are focussing your hurt on being rejected, on not being good enough for him, for being unloved. But it is him that is the loser in all this. He has lost you.

There is only one of YOU.

He is not good enough for you. You have people in your life that love you. Right now that may not feel like enough. Because all your looking for is redemption and 'un rejection' from him. But it is you that should be rejecting him. He does not sound like a nice man or a human being worth giving up your life for.

Your 'DH' sounds like a complete tool. You may think he is the most wonderful man to walk the earth. I thought my ex fiance was. If someone had said a bad word about him, I would have clawed their eyes out. But over time I realised he wasn't the 'man' I thought he was.

Your husband is obviously not the man you thought he was. Your lovely husband wouldn't do this to you, right? He wouldn't abandon you, or ignore you? Or let you feel the sheer pain and devastation you are feeling now - with no apparent care for your safety or for your life? The man you thought he was is dead and he isn't coming back. Instead you're shadowing dancing and trying to reason with a man who is impersonating your husband - who sounds like him, looks like him.. but he is just a cold, uncaring tool who I repeat does not DESERVE you. You are so much better than this. Do not demean yourself by wasting your love, your precious time on him.

You are naturally grieving, there's nothing wrong with that. You are surviving each day and I'm sure I speak for most mumsnetters here that we are all very proud of you. Your strength, your courage to take each day as it comes. You should be proud of yourself.

I know it's not easy but stop obsessing over the OW. Seriously, who gives a shit about her... she isn't you. She will never be you. You are wonderful. He lost you and he is never, ever going to get you back. Even if he came running back tomorrow, that trusting relationship you had is gone forever. And the person she got? Isn't your 'loving' husband. She still got the same cold, cheating rat.

So stop asking yourself - why you weren't good enough and why do bad things only happen to me? She got a pathetic excuse for a man!! Feel SORRY for her!!

There are so many bad things that have happened in my life. I have felt the cloud of 'there is something wrong with me' over me for most my life. That bad things always happen to me. Nothing good ever happens.

In my diaries i always came back to the same thing, what's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Why is he/she better than me? Why do I deserve this? But by talking to others though I realised that terrible things happen repeatedly to good, kind, loving people full stop. Through talking to others i realised that other people had gone through the same things as me and they were not bad people. And that good things, wonderful things like love, happiness and joy actually existed and life came good for them.

Please understand that there is nothing wrong with you. You are not cursed. You did not choose to walk away from your marriage. You did not give up on your marriage or fail in any shape or form. It takes two people to make a marriage work. He didn't want it to work. That's not a rejection of you.

He should never have made you feel or let you think this is your fault or that bad things only happen to you. He should have been lifting you up, raising your self esteem and confidence. Encouraging you to have self respect, self belief and to be happy. I've seen no evidence from this thread that he has done any of those things for you. Maybe you were so in love you were blind to it all.

But I want you to understand that despite how you are feeling right now - you are wonderful and strong. You have a son and family to live for. You are worth something. Look at the conception threads, look how hard people fight just to get another human being into the world. And you made it here, to this life, you survived life's many obstacles and you are still fighting and surviving. Don't take life for granted. Time is precious, don't waste it on someone who is not worth your time.

Do not let this sorry excuse for a man get you down. I showed this post to my husband and he cannot believe someone could do that to another human being. Not all men are arseholes. There are men out there who will love you as you are and you don't need to get fitter, younger, more beautiful or whatever you think this OW is to get them. Let her have that that petty excuse for a man. Honestly, I would feel pity and embarrassment that for all her supposed beauty, that the only man she thinks she deserves is a cheat, a liar and adulterer who was willing to walk away from his wife.

Now take each day as it comes, get your solicitor in order, stop trying to please him and do things to please yourself. Timeline for divorce not good for him? Who gives a fuck! You live for you now. You are worth investing in. Spend lots of time healing, loving yourself and don't allow the toad back inside your head.

Maybe set yourself some goals. Give yourself a month to get through each day. As a previous poster said, make sure you do a nice thing for yourself each day. Set a medium term goal such as moving house or sorting divorce out, joining a local course/club to meet new people. Then set a long term goal ..

If it helps... imagine your perfect life. Where would you be living? How would you feel about yourself. What things would you like to achieve career wise, training wise.. travelling etc... Before you let your mind wander - Forget him. As soon as he or that OW enters you brain... evict them from your brain. Anything to get you out of the present day things you are dealing with. I found having a cute codeword helped. So if I thought of my ex, I immediately tried to change the thought to something positive - like my dog... how I was going to take her for a walk, nice things I was going to do for her... practical, happy, nice thoughts :)

OP you are so strong and you have so much to live for. Nearly a decade ago now I sat in my car, crying phoning my family saying i wasn't sure I could do it anymore. I was heart broken, I was not even a person anymore.. I was just shards of a person and no idea how to put myself together. I am now married to someone who is worth my time, who loves me, who values me and my marriage above all else. If anyone tried to convince me I would be happy again I laughed in their face. I couldn't even imagine what it would feel like, I couldn't imagine feeling whole again. But with time, and lots of healing, it's happened. And guess what, life is worth living.

This thread is full of people who have not only survived, but are THRIVING. They are stronger, happier and healthier than they have ever been.

You will get through this. Now get strong, piece yourself into a new, stronger, better you and then kick this sorry excuse for a man's ass ! We are all rooting for you!

Whatnext074 - Make him wait re: emails. I used to 'jump' when my ex emailed me/text me. Replying so soon and emotionally just let him know that I still gave a shit!

Just read your latest post - sounds like you are making progress although you probably don't feel that way.

I wouldn't hold on to any hope whatsoever. Though I hope some time soon you will read back over this thread and think.. why the hell was I was holding on to any hope that he wasn't a tool..

If it looks like a tool, talks like a tool...

He can't stand me

I think the reality is that he can't actually stand himself, despite how he comes across; you are a convenient target for all his unpleasant, guilty feelings. You are doing so well, keep strong and don't let him dictate!

plinkyplonk - I can't thank you enough, I needed to read that this morning. You are so right and I will try and remember your very kind words when I get bad today. I wish I could hug you, you sound amazing x

Absolutely is right. He's trying to find ways to justify his behaviour to himself by making you the unreasonable one. If he didn't behave like this to you hewould to face the fact that he is a massive shitbag.

Focus on you. Like Plinky said, there is only one of you, you are special and he lost you. More fool him.

Morning whatnext...haven't been able to get on here since Wednesday...poorly bubbas.

How are you doing? I just browsed through and saw that you think he can't stand you. I don't think this is the case at all. My x also acted like this and also became cold and clinical. It's how they cope with what's going on and how they're treating you.

Hugs this morning- hope you're ok xx

Morning WHAT, I also want to add that I think the way he is acting shows that he does care and that it will be too painful for him to face the feelings he has for you and your marriage, it is easier for him not to have to see you or face your hurt.
He may still have legal right of access but in reality what will happen if you are saying times aren't convenient?
You also have legal right to feel safe in your home.

I am amazed at how you are starting to think about yourself so soon. I think you will be alright my lovelyxxx

plinky - greatpost!
What - you were asked upthread about his failings, what you could hold onto to show he was not the 'great husband/man' you thought he was, and you couldn't come up with anything. How about your own post -
he thinks he's done nothing wrong. 'Comforting' his OW over her Dad dying yet he couldn't be there for his wife over the lost little ones, or there for his DB or BIL over their daughters passing away. In his mind, he is being a good man because he is helping her and she (apparently) understands his grief. It's so messed up.

He couldn't support you in your grief. He couldn't support his own DB or BIL. This is not a good man. He was never a great man. In fact, he has treated you so badly,, so suddenly, that I wonder if he ever was that great husband you thought he was, or whether he was just putting on a front, getting the house/home/bed/laundry nice and comfortable, until something else came along? Sorry if that hurts, but it's how I think he is. No-one can just suddenly go from love to indifference just like that.

I second having someone there when he decides to turn up at his convenience - how about your ds? Someone needs to supervise, make sure he is not taking your stuff, or deliberately picking stuff of value.

Wow Whatnext that email from your H about picking up the stuff makes me feel all stressed, so no idea how anxious it must be making you feel.

There's some really good suggestions here. I think a combination could be a good idea - so bag up what you can of his stuff, and then be there with a good friend (or your DS). Therefore he doesn't have to spend lots of time there cos you've already bagged up the good stuff... and you can make sure he doesn't take anything that would upset you by finding it gone. ?

aaaahhhhh I'm feeling for you my lovely. Continue to take care and put yourself first and find ways you can be in control. And defend your mind against your parents this weekend.

(a simple "You bastard" response would be what I'd be tempted to reply about the SKY cut-off. Can you arrange your own with BT or someone else or even SKY?)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and though it doesn't seem it now you will get over this in time and move on into a new life without him. I very much doubt this new relationship he has will last and by the time he realises that you will have moved on anyway.
You are sooooo much better than him please believe that why would you want him back now anyway? What's so good about him and what he has done to want that back ? Your hurting and your scared your fearful of the future but things will get better in time.
My husband walked out on me pregnant I was devastated felt like my world ended I did not sleep or eat etc nearly lost my son and for what he wasn't worth my tears smashing the house and lose of appetite he so wasn't.
This man your seeing through rose tinted glasses loves no one but himself let him carry on justifying it he knows deep down that it's wrong.
Why fight for him there's a better life out there for you and forget about the other woman they both have the morals of an alley car and deserve each other maybe she is beautiful but she's ugly on the inside believe me and in time he will see that to.

Don't keep wasting your tears on him he's no longer the man you married he's no one to you. This isn't the man you fell in love with that man is gone now and the sooner you realise that the quicker you will move on my darling.

Lots of love to you and you will come out of this I know that in my heart

Hello there What

Firstly I'm so so so sorry you are going through this.

I promise you, no matter how bad it feels now, you will get through this - you ARE getting through this, minute by minute.

My Ex-H did something similar - left me dumped with a suitcase of clothes and no home and a child and none of our belongings and moved to Florida to a complete Barbie doll. That was almost 3 years ago - what a HUGE favour he did me. It took me a while to see it, took me time after time of getting hurt from his rejections and then his threats and then his complete nastiness to realise this. I'm FREE! Free of a truly awful, selfish twunt who to this day is still the" Hero" of our story.

I have a good life now and I barely give the idiot a second thought.

You will get there too - I promise you. For now just focus on one minute at a time, keep busy (and if you feel the need to get creative with a doll and some pins)

Big hugs and

gorgeous post plinky

I've also had the 'I'm doing it for your good' shit - when they're doing it for THEIR good. A twist of the knife - as if the original crime isn't bad enough! It is tremendously cowardly of him to not only do what he's done but then blame you for it, citing that 'bad things happen to you' (re using a core and deeply painful thing you have struggled with). As you say, he is messing with your head - yay that you've got that! You're beginning to surface, even if you don't feel it.

I agree that you don't have to give him a date to collect his stuff. You don't have to obey him at every turn. He clearly demands you do, so don't. If he were being more reasonable then you could negotiate fairly, but he is calling all the shots (as if he has a leg to stand on! ), shooting you down at every turn, demanding you do precisely what he says and how he says it. You owe him nothing at all. Absolute genius to say that a divorce doesn't benefit you so you won't be complying (re previous poster).

It is probably a pattern that people have behaved despicably towards you, then blamed you for it. It is toxic people who do this, who fling their poison at you, insisting it is your fault, instead of taking responsibility for their own poison and carrying it themselves. The intense shame you are currently feeling indicates that that this isn't the first time it has happened to you ie someone blaming you for their own appalling behaviour. I am one who is surviving a similar toxic slag heap - which belongs to them, not me, or you

Oh, and as to why it bothers him when you don't reply to his texts? He may not "want" you but he still wants the control and the attention - so don't give it to him. Take away his power - it's a faster route to healing and one I wish I'd taken earlier. Detach, detach, detach.

Hey whatnext....have just caught up with the thread.

Some great advice. I too think you need (as hard as it is) to forget what he thinks, why he thinks it, wondering what he's doing etc etc. I know it's hard but detach, detach, detach. It's the only way. It's a bit like breaking a habit...

Whenever you find yourself thinking about him, actually say out loud....no, back to me. It's only your concern what YOU want, what YOU need, what YOU think.

I hope you're being kind to yourself and eating little and often. Remember your body is lacking food and sleep and your mood will be affected by this.

Everybody on here is right behind you "team whatnext". You can overcome this dark time and move out of it to be happy again. You will be happy again- hold on to that.

Might have missed it on thread but do you have plans this weekend? X

whatnext you any closer to seeing a counsellor? It's so helpful to have that time to spout, rant , cry whatever .. Especially if you think you have not many places to turn. It's good to talk, honestly . And you will see a progression , moving forward.

Yes to counselling, I agree.
I was lucky enough to get done through works occupational health.is that a possibility got you?
X

I pay through Relate. You pay what you can afford. I called them on Monday and was seen on Friday. It's something i almost Iook forward to. Honestly , it gets you out and talking on a safe place.

I have spent the day at work sobbing and sobbing, I am exhausted. Then I come home and read all the lovely messages that you have sent (and I cry again). I am so tired, distraught and empty yet I cannot believe the kind words and support you have all given me - you have all helped me so much, I am overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers.

My DS came home tonight (he's gone out now), and I cried so much, he hugged me and just listened to me go on even though I wasn't making sense.

Something has been particularly on my mind today. Some of you may know from my other thread that my H has had extreme pain in his side for 3 months, has trouble breathing and has a cough that is like nothing I heard before. While he was still with me, I finally got him to see GP. My H was so cruel after telling me that I cause the pain in his side as it gets worse when he's with me. He said he was having blood tests and x-ray as GP said he's showing signs of a tumour. He wrote in his diary that he had worried OW with his health and he wasn't happy that he had - yet the same night, he shouted at me out of the blue saying he could die and I don't care. He had to wait 2 weeks for the results.

I (stupidly) asked my H through email last night as 2 weeks were up what the x-ray showed. My H said the results aren't back yet and the GP said it could take "weeks and weeks" for the results to come back. Why is he doing this? I've had enough tests myself to know that results don't take "weeks and weeks" and a GP would never say that. I know there's something wrong with him but why let me hang on? He wants nothing to do with me so why keep me hanging on? I don't think it's anything serious, probably an ulcer or pulled muscle but after telling me I caused this pain, why not just do the decent thing and tell me?

He told you you caused the pain???????? Oh my goodness I am just furious on your behalf!!!!! You caused the fucking pain?! Really whatnext....what did you say to that?!

You HAVE to stop contacting him. I know it's hard sweetheart, I know. The way I managed to stop it was by realising the cycle it becomes. You feel bad, you contact them, they don't give you the answer you want to hear, you feel worse. You have to detach. I KNOW it's hard, I know. I'm just so sorry you feel so low still.

Do you have plans over the weekend?
Hugs to you
X