Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

You sound tired overall, actually. Have you managed any decent sleep in the last few days?

No cozie - some broken sleep. Last night's dream shook me up. I have no respite from it. I'm just a mess I'm afraid.

I think you need some - even if it's chemically assisted. Could you take - say - Monday off and try a pill the night before?

How's your annual leave allowance if you don't want to take a sick day?

I was thinking of that today but just didn't have the confidence to ask my manager so I left it. I had booked some time off next year for my 40th as we were going back to our honeymoon place but I suppose I could cancel my leave then and use it now.

I'd see if you could get signed off sick before wasting holiday, You are stressed and not sleeping, visit gp first. You will want your holiday to get away when you feel better.x

I think I would. And if you have a weekend with family coming up, it will be good knowing you can dive back home and into bed with a pill afterwards. It might help your body to get back into a rhythm - won't fix it but might just assist a bit in starting the process.

If you're antsy about approaching your manager, why not do it by a note? You could write it tonight and leaving it on their desk tomorrow. Annual leave is annual leave after all, even at short notice - and nothing to have to explain to anyone if you don't want to.

Don't feel ashamed of your feelings What.
You feel bereft, devastated, abandoned and scared sick of the future. And no wonder. You have a right to feel any way you want, so do not apologise for that. I just wanted you to know that many of us on here have felt the way you do, and that's ok. We are all human, we feel, we think, we love. You love your husband very much too. You trusted him with your heart and your soul, no wonder that you feel inconsolable.
The pain will lessen, very slightly and very gradually through time.
You really need to see your GP to get some time off work. I know someone whose husband left her and she didn't get out of bed for 6 months, and that was ok too. Once she felt ready to go back to work she did. We are all different, we all will grieve in our own way.

Please take some time off work so that you can catch up with sleep and not worry about the sleeping pill hangover.

The acute stress and anxiety your are experiencing are making your mind race which is disturbing your sleep and causing anxiety dreams, the lack of sleep and anxiety dreams are fuelling your stress and anxiety. It's a vicious cycle that robs you of all perspective. Taking a few days to rest and sleep will help to break the cycle. A few nights sound sleep and rest days will bring greater clarity.

Hello What, well done on another day of keeping going and getting through. I think spending the weekend with your unsupportive parents rings some alarm bells. Maybe make a deal with yourself that if they start getting you down, you will make your excuses and go home? A sort of mental escape route? And I think the ideas about having some time off work are great, I think your boss already knows what you're going through doesn't she? So I hope she will be sympathetic and agree that some time off would be helpful. Anyway, we are all still here, offering a hand to hold.

He has emailed me tonight saying he will be stopping the tv/phone/internet once he pays the next bill (it came in yesterday). He said he wants to come here when I'm not here to collect some things and I also bagged up some of our memories that I couldn't bear to go through myself and he said he's going to throw them away.

He said he's being sensitive to my needs by coming here when I'm not here and it's still his house and he wants to come in 2 week's time as he's taken the week off for his birthday (probably going away with OW). I said it's not convenient and he can come this weekend or next as I'm not here but he said he has offered November and that's when he's coming.

He is controlling everything. He's messing with my head and thinking he's reasonable and he's helping me. I know there should be no contact but I can't just have things but off until I see a solicitor. He's keeping this as his legal residence (something to do with his job) so I need to know whether I can get him to pay all or part of the Council Tax then. I need time. It's all too much.

Slow down what, Just because he says it doesn't mean it happens. It is not his legal address and you can can everyone who needs to know that its not. He is not sensitive to your needs. You will need someone you trust in the house when he comes or else be there yourself and then just cry when hes gone.

You don;t have to do anything he wants, either its his legal address and hes still responsible for bills or its not and he can't come and go as he wants.

You have to do nothing tonight. nothing has changed for today.
Tomorrow you can book a solicitor and check it all out.
Remember just because he says it doesn't mean it will happen. Breath

Thank you cjel. I feel so desperate, I still keep thinking he's going to be nice to me but I'm fooling myself and hurting myself even more. He doesn't care one bit, I need to get used to that, I need to x

What , I just remembered that I journalled once that I noticed when I had 'good' contact with H I felt wonderful, but when I had 'bad' contact lie you just had I went down like a stone.

Just want to say don't let this email get you down. Its not worth it and he isn't in charge of everything. Hes chosen to do it at night to cause you distress. Don't give him that power.xx

You're right. I'm not thinking straight. I will consider taking time off work after the weekend and try and get some paperwork in order x

Good, Hope you won't let this go round and round all night? every time it comes in your head tell yourself 'CJEL said no, so go away'

You're exhausted in all the ways there are, What. These are dark days but you are surviving.

We'll all be around here for you.

Thank you cozie - think I would be in a much darker place if I hadn't come on MN.

Well we many of us have been where you are, What. (Or in a similar place - no-one lives exactly the same life.) So we can feel what you're going through.

A suggestion: Pack up whatever is his and take it to a neutral collection point - for him to pick up whenever he is inclined to. And open e mails in the mornings so you have the day to process and act on the content, thus hopefully not having it so much to the front of your mind at bedtime.
These are tiresome things to sort out but are better when done. Sorry you have this stuff coming at you. But you can control what happens, when and how fast to some extent and with good advice.
Don't be rushed, don't be bullied.

bluebirdwsm - that would be ideal but it is still his house too and he does have right of access to collect his things unfortunately and he does let me know when he's coming as he doesn't want me here then. He can't stand me. I think legally he has a right to come in but he has to be mindful of when it's convenient and he can't help it, even when I give him 2 weekends that are convenient for me, he still wants to come when I'm at work as he probably doesn't want to disrupt his weekends with his OW.

I can't believe he just wants to throw away our memories, he is so utterly cold. Wants me wiped out. I struggle to work out how this happened so quickly, he loved me so much, I knew it. I never doubted it. I don't know why he is still so cruel towards me, I give him no reason to be. This is all a bad nightmare, I just don't understand it.

Just tell him you have tat week off too and it won't be convenient (even tho you don't). Pin him down to a day and time and have someone you trust there to supervise.
He is still trying to control things -it's time for you to start fighting back. I know you think you love him but the man you love no longer exists. He wants to throw your memories away so he doesn't have reminders of his guilt.
Try and see him for what he really is now--a cold heartless liar and cheat. Stop replying to his emails, keep him wondering just what you are up to l guess he really won't like it much.

I just know what has happened to me [more than once], and of course every situation is different.
I bet he doesn't hate you, he is purely thinking of himself, as he has all along, and what he wants and how to get it without any fuss or trouble. He wouldn't want you to be there when he gets his things as he would face what he'd done and he doesn't want to - everything should be easy for him [in his mind]. And you could have someone here to give him a piece of their mind and he wouldn't like that though it might be what he needs! He wants it all his way and the easy way.
[I have never split acrimoniously with anyone but once I took possessions/clothes to somewhere safe for the other party to collect to save us both being upset. And I have learnt the hard way not to open e mails too late in the day].
By being cold he is trying to detach and pretend he isn't being cruel, just practical. Trying to justify his shocking behaviour and of course can't.

You are going through the process slowly if painfully, and yet every day that passes you are progressing and moving to the next stage. But don't be rushed, think of yourself, your health, your sleep and nourish yourself - take time off, pamper yourself, cry, talk, ask for advice, do whatever you feel the need to do.
You're going to be ok, you are doing ok. This is tough but you are doing it and it will ease up. Not every day will be the same.

There was no need for him to tell you he was throwing stuff out. Cruel and callous, although perhaps he's justifying it to himself as "cruel to be kind" - I don't buy it, anyway.

You're getting good advice here What. I have nothing useful to add, but I wish I could give you a big hug.

The fact that you give him two weekends he could come, but he still wants to dictate when he comes, is very controlling and not sensitive to your needs at all. Can you get a friend to bag it all up and leave it on the doorstep for him?

...'could have someone there to give him a piece of their mind'......sorry