Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

Can you and your ds do something fun together when he's home? Even if you have to paint on a smile, the smile may become real?

Good night whatnext I hope your sleeping is improving a little. It's exhausting being so bloody upset and you need a bit of respite. Another day over. Well done !

Zhx3 - the only thing that annoyed me was that he didn't brush his tongue when cleaning his teeth as he smokes, stupid that it annoyed me and yet I couldn't tell him for fear of upsetting him. We shared all the chores, he rubbed my feet when I had a migraine (was the only thing that calmed me down), he stroked my hair when I had a nightmare until I went back to sleep, he even cut my meat up (I have arthritis in my hands). We loved and cared for each other. That's the shock. I wish he annoyed me more, it all happened so quickly, so out of character.

NotScared - I am spending the weekend with my DS this weekend - and my family. I hope I don't get lectures, I can't take it. I will try to smile. I can't remember when I last did, my eyes look dead, no spark. It's not me, it's not nice to see.

redundantandbitter - yes, another day done - 'night.

Thanks all for caring x

He iris a loser, you will be better soon. Put some music on

Exactly the reason why I have not will never never never never never, erm did I remember to say never have a face book account. I fully agree with Babylon Returns.

Look at it this way though O.W can wallow and gloat as much as she likes but she can't take away the time you had together. xxx

I've only just seen and read all your entries.

I feel I need to say STOP.

There is no need to consult solicitors at this stage.

Let life calm down before you do anything about a divorce.
Do not spend money you don't have.

Listen to CaptainMummy above, having being there myself, everything she is telling you is correct

Hi When

I just wanted to comment on the people that want you to move along and get over things before you have even had the change to digest what has happened. This happened to me and I found it staggering. But with a bit of distance (a few years) I can now see that it is driven by:

• the fact its hard for many people to see others in pain. they want to fix things and they genuinely want you to be 'better'. Raw emotion and pain is confronting for many. Its akin to those who have suffered a bereavement - many people cross the street as they don't want to confront or they don't know what to say...most of the times it comes from a good place but it can be very painful to hear when one is struggling to even get out of bad. I think it also comes from people who have never faced sudden trauma in their lives. Quite simply they don't get it.

I certainly found it offensive when people would say similar (and in my head think do you think so little of your own marriage that you would move on in weeks?) but I do now see that in addition to the above it does strike a bit of a primal fear in others than maybe just maybe it could happen to them too and that is also not a comfortable place to be in.

A friend who as been going through an illness, wrote to me about the fact she felt pressure to 'be ok now' as she had been through quite radical surgery and technically 'out of danger' but coming to terms with shock diagnosis and surgery. This was about illness, not divorce but based on my experience....

People want the Julia Roberts movie version of things. The plucky young woman, facing illness with wit and bravery, inspiring others along the way, looking beautiful if a little wan in cashmere whilst they do it and going onto write a bestselling book along the way. They want things to come of bad things in the instant. And I hope that movie happens for you. And it likely will, or at least part of it. But no-one wants to really take on board the bit that the movie skims over that involves long-shots of Julia struggling as the seasons change before finally she is running along the beach. That is not a movie people want to watch unless they are Swedish.

IMHO you feel what you feel until you don't feel it at all or it morphs into something different.....impossible to believe in the eye of the storm that the adrenalin plunging down lift shaft feeling will ever subside....

Huge love
Dolly x

great post dolly

I am just so concerned that you are considering spending the weekend with your family. Talk about walking into the lion's den

Springy - almost as though the fire of the crisis boiled up the scum to the surface. - what a great quote.

Whatnext - if you go to your family this weekend, please make sure they know that you are not going to talk about it. You don't want judging, or shaken out of it, or accused of bringing the atmosphere down- you just want your mind occupied, your body fed and your soul relaxed.

Well as his priority is "stopping paying for bills that he has no benefit from" next time he brings up you starting a divorce i'd be tempted to say "I cant see any point - its a big expense and of no benefit to me " If they have to wait the 5 years then they do.

You will have good days and bad days, it takes a while, I know its hard to believe but, your family need you , so you will get there. As long as your are not phoning him constantly and standing by his car in the street I don't think that one call is you being undignified at all - in fact id go as far as to say it's normal

If you are feeling "off" but need to focus you could try doing what I do when I have thoughts I don't like (it sounds crazy) but I have a "broom" in my head and I sweep them away and deliberately replace them with something else. It took a while but now if I start fretting over something I can do nothing about I can move on really quickly rather than brewing and stewing.

His parents sound like arses so id be glad to be shot of them

Morning, What a lovely post Dolly. Can you practice thinking of us when you are at families and try and pick a couple of quotes from here to have in your head if they start. Agree to not discussing your situation with them, think of things you will feel 'safe' talking about and always bring subject back to them?

How are you this morning?

Thank you Dolly and to all who are caring for me here.

I am at work, on lunch and I feel dreadful. I went to phone my GP as I know I shouldn't be here but stopped as I thought my family and my DS would not understand me taking time off. A friend said to me yesterday that they want me to stay at work because that's 8 hours a day when they know where I am and what I'm doing and mixing with people but it's so terribly hard. I have pains all the time and am so upset.

It's an event for my DS at the weekend so I have to go and I know I will get told how I should be now by some but my DBs and SILs are very supportive. I will try and hold it together.

Nearly 5 weeks on and I am still in disbelief! I catch myself shaking my head sometimes. I wish I hated him, I wish I didn't think of him every passing minute.

I had a dream last night when I finally slept about him having an affair and it was so real but in my dream I told myself it was just a dream. I woke up and remembered it was real and feel devastated all over again.

Your family and DS would not understand why you are not at work? Really? First off - what is it to do with them how you feel? And secondly - you feel how you feel! End of. They don't need to understand. No-one can tell you what you should be feeling, or doing, or anything - this is intensely, subjectively personal to you! No-one else's business, and if they can't be supportive of whatever you are feeling or doing, the best thing they can do is leave you alone. Stop justifying your actions to them.

Have you seen the GP? (I can't rememebr, sorry) You should have ADs and sleeping aids.

And you will hate him, eventually. He is a selfish, arrogant, mean and spiteful man. Hateful and hate-worthy.

Hi What. I understand how being at work can be a distraction but if you are finding it tough and if you are not sleeping at night you end up running your batteries right down. Why not consider just taking a week off work, that way you can self-certify (no fit note needed).

If you are seeing your GP why not ask for something to help with sleep during that week. I am usually averse to sleeping pills but have recently gone through a period of insomnia and found that a 7 day course of Promethazine really helped. It's an antihistamine rather than a traditional sleeping pill and it doesn't knock you out immediately but I found it helped me to stay asleep through the night without waking up at 4am and feeling anxious and panicked. It was also easy to stop taking these without any rebound.

If you can give yourself a small break to catch up with sleep it might help you to feel physically stronger which In turn can help you emotionally/mentally. You don't have to sit at home all day, you should try to fit in some activity and exercise. A walk, a swim, a massage, a manicure etc. Meet friends for lunch if you can or go arrange a visit to the cinema or a museum.

Can your GP recommend a counsellor? It does sound like you need to talk through your feelings to somebody impartial and supportive.

Captain. OP does not have to hate!!

Cjel - OK. I would, but I am like that! Indifference, then? Actually I think that's worse, but OK. No feelings at all would be preferable. How do you feel about your ex now, cjel? I rememebr being on your thread (actually I think sadKarens thread...)

And I stand by him being spiteful etc.

I have been on ADs for 6 weeks. My GP reluctantly gave me a few sleeping tablets last week but I haven't taken one yet as I need a clear day the next day to sleep in or feel groggy. Herbal tablets weren't working.

You are right though, nobody else in my circle is going through this, our marriage was so personal to us. He's destroying me and it hurts that he wants no contact. I know it's the best but wish that was my decision and not him just not wanting to see the destruction he's left behind.

I can't believe this is happening. Have awful thoughts all the time. The pain has to end, I beg people to tell me when it will, it's just unbearable. I can't cope.

Hello What,

Please believe me when I say it does get a little easier. My husband left me 6 months ago and I was bereft and devastated. I loved him so much and had been with him since I was 15 years old, and am now 47. I was suicidal too. Lots of the posters on here helped a lot to get me through. It just takes time, you won't want to hear that, but it is true. You will need to lean on good friends and family(not your parents), to guide you and help you now. Eventually you will get that anger, we all do, and that is what will get you through and help you fight him. You have to fight him now for your financial future. You will get there, I promise you. Downunderdolly has such fantastic advice, please listen to her. I remember she said one thing to me that stuck in my brain. She said that she heard of a man who left his wife, they had young children, and she committed suicide. The young children grew up, but they had been affected badly by their mother's death. And they now had children of their own, but look at all the things that woman missed out on, lovely family events, her new grandchildren, and even the chance to love again. A life lost that should not have been. I have been holding onto that, that got me through many a hour. Please look ahead to when you may have grandchildren. I love my little granddaughter so much now, she is my little light. And to think I may never have seen her. One day you will see your grandchildren too, you have a future What, you may not think you have but you do.xxx
I hope I have done that justice Downunderdolly, it really stayed with me and I will always be grateful for you telling me that. I think it saved my life. xxx

Oh God, that has really hit home. I am ashamed of my feelings, I am. I will hold onto your advice and hope I can get through this. I never even thought of grandchildren or even my DS getting married. I know I need to get better xx

mrsmciver so lovely to see you on here giving advice to others

'It hurts that he wants no contact. I know it's the best but wish that was my decision and not him '. I think that that is a really important point Whatnext. As well as all of the other damage he has done, it feels as if he has taken away control from you - you cannot control what he is doing, and it feels as if you have no control over your life at the moment.

When you find things that you can take control of, you will start to feel more yourself. You have had awful things happen to you in the past over which you have also had no control - what he has done is to take you back to those feelings of helplessness, at the most painful times of your life. Previously he was there to help you, but now he has dumped you back there, on your own, with no preparation.

A counsellor would advise you how to cope with the feelings you are dealing with. Was there any bereavement counselling after losing your little ones? Or counselling after the robbery in your flat? Expressing, and having chance again to deal with, the sense of helplessness that those events made you feel at the time, may help you now too. You are not helpless, but you feel so, feel stuck in a rut which is not of your own chosing.

If you can't get counselling posting on MN, and addressing the issues will help you to recover, step by step, in your own time. But it's no use anyone trying to hurry you forward. You have an inner you, who has been very hurt in the past. She needs care and love and hugs - you can do that. You can address the hurt in your past and move forward into a brighter future with your ds.

I have been lurking on your thread, and just wanted to say I am so sorry this has happened to you.
A small thing, but it might help you a bit, is to at night to stop your brain going over and over this terrible situation, get yourself some well written gripping stories to listen to on audio book (from the library on cd), or if you've got an ipod you can download them onto that.
At first you might have to train yourself a bit to stay focussed on the story and not let your mind wander off on to all the awful stuff going on, but stay with it, it does work (it has seen me through imense stress), and I would thoroughly recommend you trying it.

Captainmummy, Lovely to catch up, I am doing well thanks,Yes my H was all of the above(and more) and I don't know why I don't feel anger and hatred. I feel love towards him still, but don't really think about him that often any more tbh . I know that some people have to hate and get angry to move forward but just wanted to share that it isn't compulsary!!!

Great to see you doing so well MrsMciver, its so nice to hear.

Longtallsally - I had 6 sessions of counselling with work but that ended 2 weeks ago. My GP is trying to get me an urgent appointment on the NHS. I did have counselling after the robbery but as I had PTSD, I couldn't go out for 2 years on my own (even with a baby) and so I couldn't make every appointment so I pulled myself out of it as best I could and concentrated on my DS.

I was going to have appointments with Cruse after our lost little ones but the waiting list was 12 weeks and again, I tried to pull myself out of it with the support of my H.

Really bad things happen to me, I'm sorry to be so negative but my H is right - there's always a drama in my life, even though they are out of my control. He didn't want to stay around for another drama, he had that choice, I don't. I've tried to pick myself up so many times and I'm tired of it.

Keepcool - thank you, maybe I can do that in time but even listening to hypnosis on my ipod isn't working. Nothing on tv goes in, but I might try your advice when my head is a little clearer.