Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

My h ow is same age as me but hasn't worn so well so not sure hairy german would have helped!!!
You really really will move on from this and although you really are feeling that you are not moving you are!!!
Why don't you try not to worry about what you will do if you don't work? try not going to work and see wht you do? you will get fed up with being miserable - our good moods always end and our low moods always lift as well.
Cryings ok I think its better than not feeling anything, the only trouble is its exhausting.

Op... The devastation & heartbreak coming from your posts has moved me so much that I wanted to say. .. Sending you love & positive thoughts! I have no experience in an unfaithful partner but have been through a marriage breakdown, I can promise you with time things will get better. The pain will ease & maybe give way to new emotions. Don't let this arse of a 'man' destroy you. Take each day as it comes & I'm sure before you know it you will have the strength to look forward. ((Hug)) x

Don't worry about crying at work - your colleagues will understand. I think I cried at work every day for 6 mths and I had a young lad opposite me - he just kept his head down and didn't say anything - best really - must have been like having his mum crying :)

Even yesterday 18 mths later I cried at work but I hope I was a little more discrete - Twunt sent me an email which in itself doesn't make me cry it was just the way he worded something which was totally erasing me further from his life.

You are getting stronger every day. You will need professional advice regarding pensions as they are not straightforward and depends on type of pension, lump sums etc. a solicitor will advise.

Keep talking on here. I didn't know about MN 18 mths ago but I have found it so helpful about everything.

Have you treated yourself to something today? You deserve it. Xx

Don't worry about crying at all in fact. You'll find one day that you haven't cried since you got up and know in yourself that you're coming through. (We've most of us been there.)

How is your DS doing?

(((Hugs)) OP. I can remember standing in the shower every morning crying. Although I still have my down days 8 months on, I would never waste tears like that on him again and you will get to that point too.

You will move on, you just can't imagine it at this moment in time because it's still so raw. You are going through a grieving process and this is the hardest part x

OP I am still crying too... Our traumas came at the same time. I just let them come... Yes it can embarrassing at work (not sure if people actually notice that their postie is in bits) but the tears usually pass and you move to another fed up moment. But it does pass. Apart from work- what you doing to break up the days? Is there anyone who could come over and sit with you and share some biscuits and let you cry. How about you ask your DS if you can to something together on Saturday... Even if its a DVD on the afternoon, whack on the heating and enjoy his company. He sounds lovely. Has your DH's family been in touch ? I bet they're mortified no?

Only a few people at work know and in my team, only my manager. People know I'm not right and just leave me to it. I feel so alone.

My MIL and FIL spoke to me when I first found out and said I had no right to read his diary, said he was doing nothing wrong as he told me our marriage was over and he deserved to be happy with OW as he wasn't happy with me. Said he was "noble and brave" - I will never speak to them again.

His DB spoke to me last week and said he has no time for him and is disgusted with what he's done. My H had emailed him to 'explain' and also to say that he wants his family to welcome the OW as he was happy with her. I am so heartbroken.

My H takes OW to family weddings, christenings, birthdays etc and all of his siblings and nieces and nephews know my dcs won't go. They have all effectively accepted 'them' over their blood relatives - My dd is so upset, it breaks my heart.

I also had a weekend away not long after with dd and dgcs at the seaside and poor nannie(Me) had wind in her eyes nearly all weekend! It seemed to be full of couples my age walking around holding hands!!

Bloody hell your well rid of your exILS. Wonder where your exH gets his charm skills from?

At least DBIL sounds normal and supportive?

You choose who you want to tell in RL. We're always here for you chick x

You are absolutely well rid of your exILs. What a shower.

I wouldn't take the attitude of co-workers amiss. They'll be leaving you to it out of kindness not out of unconcern. It's actually no bad thing because you'll likely feel as if you're missing a couple of layers of skin for a bit - and having co-workers enquiring after you all the time might just feel a bit cloying.

Yes I agree about co workers they are not being unkind but being discrete. Your Inlaws sound awful - well rid I think.

Your Son sounds lovely. Can you go out for a meal with him or order beers And pizzas? X

I'm afraid I'm not very good at going out at the moment, I force myself to but then am so utterly sad as there is something missing. I miss my wonderful married life - I can't help it, I feel so tormented.

My DS comes home most weekends but I encourage him to go out with his friends as he needs a release too. It's too intense and he's had to deal with a lot of grief too. He said it breaks his heart to see my pale face and see me shaking - I never wanted him to witness that. He said he can't help me, he said nobody can. He wants me to get better.

I used to always be able to put a front on during hard times, I can't this time, I can't hide it.

will it help if I tell you that the way you feel now is temporary? That you will (quite soon) feel so different. You will be strong,vibrant and you will be a person who feels 'at home' when out on her own?

Can you take in any of that?

I hear what you're saying cjel but I can't ever imagine it now. I am and have been independent but I just miss him so much. I never took our love for granted. With all the little ones we've lost, I've realised how short and unexpected life can be and my biggest fear was that he would die but this is worse, if he had passed away, I would know he still loved me and would have our happy memories. The fact he is still living, creating a new life and new memories with OW is so painful.

It just feels unreal - never imagined pain like this. I'm sorry, I appreciate all your advice and am trying to hold on.

Actually you are holding on. It hurts like hell but you're keeping on going - even managing to go into work.

You are doing so well, What, even though it doesn't feel like it.

Here to shake a pom pom for you. Take it slowly - its only been 4, 5 weeks, its no time at all. Its an earthquake that is still shaking. Really good idea not to run or be bulldozed into any quick decisions about anything. Take it at your pace. And I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.

Cross post - I used to think no-one could ever live through pain like I was feeling, I still to this day didn't know a human being could experience that level of pain and grief.

I ended up letting myself roll with my feelings, one day, I was so angry I could have taken the house apart, brick by brick.

It does ease, eventually, it does get better, my doctor diagnosed reactional depression, google told me 6 months, and it was right, actual depression and stress - but manageable remained.

Baby steps, thats all you can take at the moment, baby, baby steps, just think about the next 5 minutes, and then congratulate yourself that you survived them, you don't need to think about tomorrow yet.

Don't apologise to me WHAT, I thought it was probably too soon for you to be able to take it in. I can only say that as every day goes past you are holding on- you are moving forward ,You feel so desolate and pained and you can't hurry through . Name explains it well, It is unimaginable that anyone has ever hurt so badly, I can remember the pain in my chest was overwhelming and I didn't want to open my eyes and face another day but every day I did, the day happened and some parts of it began not to hurt, those parts got longer and longer and I haven't felt the deep pain for months and months.
I didn't understand the concept of baby steps at the time I felt I 'should'have always been further along than I was. As NAME said when you think of every minute you succeeded instead of everything you feel you should be doing you will be more able to be pleased with yourself.

Name - I am in awe at your strength, what a terrible, terrible thing to happen to you and your family. I thank you for sharing with me and you can delete your post now xx

cjel and others - thank you for your continued support and confidence building. I am so negative at the moment but I am taking it all in and I am overwhelmed by the kind words by strangers.

If we say it often enough you will start to be able to take it in

I also agree a lot with the poster who said move things around and redecorate.

The very first thing I did, literally the next morning, was throw away all my bedding, go to TK Maxx and buy new pillows, new duvet and new covers, sheets and pillow cases - I say TK Maxx because the quality is lovely, while the price tag is affordable.

I then repainted (well my lovely mum did) and changed the curtains in the living room (charity shop I love you) and put new ornaments and pictures in there.

I made it feel different (it took me a month to leave my bedroom after I had bought all the new bedding, but I felt safe and comfortable in it with my Egyptian Cotton Sheets and my new feather duvet).

Treat yourself to something every day, even if it is your favourite chocolate bar or coffee, I watched the whole of Game of Thrones and Tudors in a few days, anything to distract and divert my brain.

Word games helped me - I lost my self in bubble witch. There will be things you can use to distract you - but only you know what they are x

Darling, if you had a bad car accident and were badly injured, you wouldn't be beating yourself up to 'move on'. imo this is no different, it's going to take time to heal. It's mad to think you should be 'moving on' now, so early after this appalling shock. YOu can't possibly expect to be 'moving on' at this stage.

I get it that your parents are probably fuelling the idea that you should be 'moving on'. I've written the following a few times, then deleted it before posting, but ime of my toxic family, it was times of intense crisis that brought out what they are really about; almost as though the fire of the crisis boiled up the scum to the surface. Try to ignore your parents. I know it's not easy (I also experienced the double betrayal of the original crisis plus betrayal by my family. I thought I was going mad - I probably did go mad for a bit..) but please take it from every poster on your threads that your parents' approach is the direct opposite of what you need. They are talking bollocks, in short.

It's not easy to let go and allow yourself to be broken... but you actually are broken, so trying not to be broken is counterproductive. Just as physical injury takes time and tlc, same with emotional injury. Being broken is not the end - though it certainly feels like it, it isn't. There is life after brokenness, though you can't imagine it now. (I'd go so far as to say it is better than life before being broken, but I don't think you'll believe me at this point.) xx

When people used to tell me to "move on" I just to have to restrain myself from physically assaulting them, you cannot move on just like that, first you have to grieve and come to acceptance.

You're doing really well whatnext - keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I shared a blog post at work the other day - your colleagues are more likely quietly concerned but not knowing what to do, than unmoved by the sight of you crying.

What to Do When an Employee Cries at Work. It's a thoughtful article, I think.

You sound well shot of your exILs - FFS "noble and brave" . More like a selfish tosspot.

Can you write a list of the things he did that annoyed you? Dig deep, there should be something! Did he leave his dirty dishes on top of the dishwasher, or let the laundry basket overflow?