Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

Yep he wants to wipe you out to absolve himself of the guilt he is feeling. He will be wanting to rewrite history.
Take your time. You have no need for divorce let him and the OW wait for 5 years, show that you cannot be erased from his life so easily.
Stay in the house as long as it suits you. January is a horrible month and there will be very little movement in the housing market. Put it up for sale when you want to and feel strong enough to do so.
Tell him nothing, when he makes all his demands let it wash over you, he cannot control you, do not comment at all and just go about things at your own pace.
Go for the jugular-you are entitled to a proportion of his pension and of any savings/shares/investments.
I have been lurking on this thread from the start and today can see an improvement in you-not a big one but the change is there.
Remember your H has been planing this for a while and is trying to get all his ducks lined up for the future. You are away behind him in all aspects of this. Every day you will get stronger and angrier and when you are ready the MN nest of vipers will help you wipe the floor with him.

Sorry - had to leave for a few minutes.

Your presence is a reminder to him of everything he was, What. He's busy with his new life, stomach pulled in and skin likely newly bronzed, and you would force him to see reality. So you can see why he would want to limit contact.

Ignore him from now on - apart from practicalities and matters to do with your DS. Do not phone him, just email if necessary - and let your solicitor do most of that unless your input is critical. As I said, your former husband is really gone. Your focus now can be on yourself.

You are doing so well. Feel down if you need to, it's ok. You'll feel stronger again tomorrow.

But know one thing. You have done nothing bad here. Sorry, did your feelings inconvenience him slightly? I don't normally swear on here, but fuck him.

Also all the less sweaty practical advice above

*sweary

Damn phone.

Yes, yes to everything posters are saying...

He cannot erase you whatnext. As I said earlier today, actually you have the strongest position here. Leave him hanging. He'll be dying to know what you're planning and when you might file for divorce. As big wooo says...fuck him. Keep your cards close to your chest and tell him nothing. You are in control here.

Jarlin - not sure if you'll come back on my thread but did you go through solicitor to get % of his pension or did he just agree to it? Do you know if you only get a % up until the time they left?

mammadiggingdeep - I will try and keep my cards close to my chest. All the advice I have been given is good advice.

I only wish I had the opportunity to make him wonder what my next move is but I know that's not healthy for me - I just wonder all the time if he's thinking of me as we were so close always but I know he doesn't think of me, he's just relieved it's over, he told me that. I also know me thinking of him every minute isn't healthy. I want to be strong but maybe tiredness etc isn't helping.

It's a massive act of betrayal and you are reeling, still on shock and mourning what-should-have-been.

He is an arsewipe and a fuckwit.

Take your time. Don't make any big decisions at the moment. Play the waiting game with him.

There will come a time when you will be coping, then a time when you will suddenly realise that you are OK, happy even. One step at a time. You will get there. Don't push yourself.

Be kind - you deserve kindness, give it to yourself.

Do one nice thing for yourself every day. Get new bedding. Move some furniture around, rearrange a room. Watch a film and eat pizza on the sofa. Anything. Feel what you feel and don't be ashamed or embarrassed. He did it. Youdidn't. But you can make a great life for yourself, and you will.

You will have that opportunity Whatnext at some point in the future. Take some control back-do not contact him at all by text. Use email only. You do not need to reply to his demands immediately, keep him guessing. When you're tired your judgment is clouded and coping mechanism is weak. What you need is a good sleep then you will have more strength to face things.
Think of it if you can that your H has died, grieve for the man and the relationship that was because that man no longer exists. The man that exists is not the man you married-he is gone never to return.
You will be strong again. The best revenge is to live well, not to be broken and weak by his actions but to rise again from the ashes of your relationship like a phoenix--ready to face the world.

Sorry getting a bit carried away, think l better get off to bed

glad you got thought other night what

I have an Ikea heart cushion with arms I hug when need one as ds doesnt like hugs re Autism sensory to touch. I was left at 5 months pregnant so not much history but very vuln and thought I was going to die with the pain/panic attacks not knowing how I would cope with labour/ new baby etc.

But my ds has been my rock my special rock and has given me strength to get through hard times esp when ds regressed and didnt talk for years and had to give work up to help him.

He used to hit ds and tried to frighten us to death with fake petrol bomb and kicking front door etc

I am back in work and ds in school now 2 yrs! Life is great and I Know life would gave been awful if he had stayed! I am moving hopefully aoon for fresh start.

I would not suggest moving now but when you are stronger ADs take 2-3 months to work btw so hang on in their!

Unlikely (hugs) so thrilled to read how things are good sending vibes to you and ds you truely are an insperation! Please PLEASEwrite a book on your life...You need to share your experiences, courage and fight throughout each mountain you have had to face!

Just popping in to wish you well. You'll get stronger as the days go on. One day you'll look back and see how very cold he really is being. And then the anger will begin.

Take care and best wishes with your decisions. Be strong

I did say to my DB that I should write a book. My DB said I have been through worse but the difference is I actually felt so safe with my H and thought for once there was a man who loved me completely and would never hurt me.

Thank you for all your support, you all really helped me on Saturday night, I tried everything and in the end I didn't care as nothing was working - the Samaritan yawning and repeatedly saying, "what do you want to do then" nearly finished me. I have never felt so low and do feel like I am going backwards - perhaps today I am a tiny bit stronger. The physical pain and burning skin really, really brings me down. I just miss him but know he's not the man I loved for all those years.

I'd put a complaint in about the Samaritan.

Good night whatnext another day over. You have come a long long way since 'black Saturday'. You're going good. Night x

Oh I think you're stronger. You might not be able to see it for yourself but your posts are showing it a bit. Still a ways to go of course - but you're doing better so far.

Yeah, big improvement from 40 or so hours ago. To add to cereals - when I have no appetite I can usually manage to sink some pot/flavoured noodles. They're hot, require little or no chewing and are filling enough. They also only cost 40p - £1.50 so there's no small guilt in throwing them away like you might get with a ready-meal.

Morning whatnext...hope you had an ok nights sleep and are ok.
Go with the roller coaster...get through the day. Be kind to yourself. I'll check in later to see how you're doing.
Hugs x

If you are finding it hard to eat, have a banana. They are easy to eat and really nutritious. (Apology in advance: I say this a lot!) When my mum was ill and couldn't eat/swallow, our gp told her to liquidise a banana with some milk and icecream, and have at least one of those a day. It will really help if you can't eat properly for a while.

Whatnext - i don't think your solicitor is cheap. I went through a local firm for my divorce; it cost about £1500 (we split costs). He (exdh) is a high-earner - I got Spousal Maintenance (a % of take home), child maintenance (17%) and 50% of pensions to date - tho I was a SAHM for 20 years and had no pension. Oh and I got 50% of the house too, so It was not a quickie divorce!

If he is a good earner, he should be paying maintenance to you. BUT - if you don't want to divorce, there is nothing he can do. If he wants to divorce, he has to meet your terms, otherwise he will have to wait 5 years (withyout your consent) or 2 years (with your consent). You DO hold a few cards here, OP. Get him to agree Sky/broadband, maintenance, etc and you might think about divorce (if he pays)

To go towards faster improvements, What, I'd suggest some changes to your daily routine and living arrangements that have nothing to do with him. (To contribute to you feeling like an individual again.)

For example, decorating and moving furniture around are good but if they're beyond you right now, something simple like - say- instead of drinking a coffee and eating a snack in the morning as you've always done, leave the house the minute you're ready and then, if you have a little cafe near work, pop in there for a coffee and croissant for quarter of an hour before work.

That's only a silly example (and may bear no relation to your daily life) but you'll be able to think of some things. Basically, just rearranging your typical daily life to be about you and not to reflect past habits which might cause you some pain.

Morning WHAT. I was advised - and it was worth it - to pay a bit more per hour for solicitor and then you end up paying less because they do it all right the first time!

How are you today?

I am terrible today, cried most of the day at work. I have such a pain and burning all over. I think about him every minute of the day. I know I shouldn't be at work, it's no distraction but what else would I do? The sleep is a real problem and I know it's not helping.

I miss him so much and I'm ashamed of that, I know I'm repeating myself but I can't seem to move on. I am so utterly sad all the time. I've never felt pain like this. I shouldn't have looked OW up, her photos are etched in my brain now. I should have just left it that she was older than me and a hairy German woman. I shouldn't have looked.

I can't come to terms with this. I don't know how to help myself. I've had really good advice on here and I am so grateful for all of it but I can't move on.