Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

whatnext You can tell in the tone of your messages that you are getting stronger by the day. Keep going, you have a lot of people rooting for you.

He doesn't want me but he got annoyed when I created a new email address under my maiden name, said that I told him I won't divorce him so why am I changing my name on email.

To which you answer "i'm doing what is convenient for me, I don't have to ask your permission"

Don't let him brow beat you, if a conversation is not going the way you want then end it - you no longer have to placate him, obviously I wouldn't recommend deliberate provoking him but as the marriage is "over" as far as he is concerned then your days of compromising to take into account his wants are over too.

They often don't like it when the "wife" starts to find her own feet and assert her wishes...tough.

If he wants a divorce then let him pay for it - point out to him "I'm sorry a divorce is just too expensive and not a priority as funds are low - I have had the unexpected expense of internet and sky"

Amazing how these guys move on but still expect their ex to jump through their hoops how and when they say.

It's the old control issue, isn't it? They can't bear signs of independence and people acting on their own behalf.

Whatnext....you are getting stronger! Brilliant. You know what, I think that anger is just around the corner.

I agree whole hearted, drag your feet divorcing him. Great it's a joint mortgage because you don't have to sell just be side he says so. I believe if one of you wants to sell and the other doesn't then a forced sale can be sorted through the courts, but takes ages. That's the advice I had recently in my situation, but we're unmarried. What I'm saying is, you can be rest assured that nothing needs to change straight away unless you want it to. You've got months to decide what's best for you and your ds. He can wait til you're ready.

Hope you got through work ok. Do u have plans this evening? See whatnext...you are bloody strong...another day you've got through and your mumsnet cheer leafing squad are right behind you :) xx

• cheer leading squad....grrrr to this phone!!!!

Mamma I like the idea that we are cheerleaders - whatnext you must picture us all in hot pants shaking Pom poms... Go whatnext go whatnext. You do seem a bit stronger today. I like that you created a new email address, lots of good financial advice in here too. Sit tight for now. Wait til the fog clears a little. Hope work wasn't too bad. Now what are your plans for this evening?

I bought a DIY will so have to start on that. We had wills together and I don't want anything going to him. It's quite straightforward as everything will go to my DS. I'm sure my H has/is sorting his out as well. I need to prepare all my paperwork so that everything is sorted.

I don't want to be in this house at all, have hated it for years with all the memories and we were moving next year anyway, but I'm stuck for now and at least I have somewhere to live.

I was very weak when he asked me about the email address and I said it wouldn't take my married name etc, I was making excuses in case I upset him, wish it had been that I was strong enough to have told him it's not his business.

I appreciate you as cheerleaders, you have helped me so much and I wish I was as strong as you say I am, maybe soon. I am so ashamed that I miss him terribly.

My ex got arsy when I wanted him off the bank account and everything. So then he demanded to come off the mortgage, to which I replied - Don't worry, it is all in hand! He thought that he could get at me by doing that as I wouldn't be able to stay here. no thought for his DD at all! When I filed the divorce petition for Unreasonable Behaviour citing contact with OW and naming her, he went mental! But he had to agree to it because I had black and white evidence of everything that was on the petition.... He immediately changed his status to single on facebook too, lol.

It seems like even though they don't want you, they hate the fact of being erased from your life bit by bit!

Darling, please don't feel ashamed. YOu don't need you beating yourself up now, you need all the support you can get. Starting with you... If you saw a woman, a stranger, who had been hit as hard as this, you would feel compassion, yes? If she was falling to bits, barely able to function, you'd feel compassion, tell her to take it easy, yes? Please, extend that compassion to yourself. It is totally understandable that you are beside yourself - of course you are, you wouldn't be human if you weren't. YOu have been desperately betrayed and the impact of that is immense. What you had together has been chopped off with an axe - of course you will be reeling with incredible shock and hurt (((((((hug)))))))

As others are saying, gradually gradually you will start to find your feet. You say you're not strong but there are glimpses of strength, even if you can't see them yourself - we can see them. Even if you can't stand up to him yet, you will. It will happen naturally, you won't have to force it. In the meantime, give yourself the space to weather this immense shock. Push everything back and create a safe space for yourself. You need it sweetheart. Anybody would xxxxx

I saw this quote pop up on my Facebook today and it made me think of you:

Courage isn't having the strength to go on, it's going on when you don't have the strength.

You are showing tremendous courage.

Some of tge retorts on here are great, it's normal to only think of what you should have said after the event though, so don't beat yourself up.

Great quote big woooo.

Well done whatnext for thinking about the will. That to me shows strength because through all of your hurt and sadness you are thinking clearly and practically. Even though I'm sure you don't feel that you are.

As for answering the questions about the email address so as not to answer him we'll u know what, that's another thing that tells me you're a good, decent person who loved deeply and properly. You're being true to yourself in your treatment of him. You could've sworn at him and told him that you want him eradicated from your life blah blah blah...but you are remaining dignified and are not lashing out. That doesn't show weakness just that you are not that type of person to get vicious. Perhaps it would make him feel better of you did get nasty...would somehow justify his total fucking cuntish behaviour. But, dignity is your friend as some wise mumsnet ter once told me.

Another day done dearest whatnext. Hope the evening is ok for you. Stay strong.

• so as not to hurt him

Whatnext - I've just had a thought. I have a feeling that if you have been married more than 5 years you are entitled to a larger share of the home. If you don't divorce him quickly, then you will have been married longer and so may be entitled to more . . . .

Please don't be ashamed of anything. You are an honourable person who loved honestly and faithfully and truly. There is no shame. We don't know your H - all we know is the shameful behaviour he is currently demonstrating. But you know him well and loved him - of course you miss him. All mixed up with the horror and the grief and the shock and the disappointment and the pain. No-one could expect you to get through all this in an instant. But we are cheerleading for you, to keep on keeping on.

Longtallsally - he's offering me all the equity anyway but it's still not enough for me to get a decent place in a decent area. I had the house valued and it's not looking positive. He said it will pay for rent for me for next couple of years. He can just walk away and not take any of the equity because he earns a lot and gets a fat bonus every year. He feels he is doing the right thing by giving me the equity, it eases his conscience and his DM said he is 'noble' for doing that!

Thank you for the quote, thank you for the lovely words from the other cheerleaders since my last post xx

I wouldn't rush to get the house on the market, then. If he's giving you the equity, it should be irrelevant to him when it gets sold. I imagine the OW is wanting to disentangle him from all marital arrangements asap. Well, tough. And I would not move the divorce along either. If you don't want to get aggressive with him, I would say each time it's raised that you've been so busy you really haven't had time to think about it, so if he want to take it forward, he's welcome to. Get him to cough up if he's so anxious for it to happen.

Forget all his self-serving protestations about 'doing the right thing'. Go by the numbers. Always.

Eg

Pension provision
House Equity
Other assets acquired during the marriage (personal possessions, antiques, cars, whatever)
Relevant insurances

and so on.

Get thee to a rottweiler solicitor. They'll have all this at their fingertips. I only know Scottish law so can't really advise you but they'll be able to.

The only thing we have is the house. I think he's worried about his pension, I haven't mentioned it to him but I will be looking into a % of that too.

My solicitor is good, has 20 years experience and is expert in family law. Got her fees today and it's £282 (inc VAT) per HOUR. My sister said that's cheap. Somebody posted up thread that may be taken out of settlement but that's only if it ends in divorce and I'm not going to do that - at the moment to satisfy him and his OW.

It's all just a mess, I can't think straight and I just have no energy for any of this. I can't see a way out of this mess - I'm sorry to be so down all the time, I'm sorry. I know some people in RL are getting fed up of me. I didn't want any of this and can't hide my feelings or the way I look - I look dreadful. I'm sorry.

What - you sound stronger today. It is a roller coaster and some days will be bad but gradually they lesson. I'm 18 mths on and still have bad days and I've not even touched the divorce or house yet!

Don't get too bogged down about buying a house. When you are ready play around on some mortgage web sites and stretch the length of mortgage and see what you can get. There are also other options. Don't let him push you along the route of using the equity for rent. The equity is your financial future - along with some of his pension.
Take your time. Get Xmas out of the way perhaps?

Another day over - waves Pom Pom madly and well done.

Oh the pension is serious money. Believe me. He would be worried indeed if he thought you'd clocked that one. (Some people don't - so accept far less than their entitlement to 'sort things amicably'.)

You have no need to be sorry. At the moment, what you're dealing with is, in essence, a bereavement - the man you loved, married and lived with has gone - except that instead of others supporting you through it, you have this irritating person buzzing around and harrassing you. And you're holding down a job all the time and being there for your DS.

You are doing so well.

You've done nothing wrong so don't you dare be sorry! You sound so much stronger and you will get through this a stronger happier person, whereas he will always be a lying cheating shit and she'll always be worrying that he'll do the same to her.

I agree that he wants you pining, it is all about him and his ego. You are worth a million times more and he won't like it when you move on and you are!

If you don't feel like you can stand up to him on the phone then make all contact by email from now on. That's what he wanted after all, if he tries to call then have his number blocked. It sounds like a big step but it'll be easier for you as you only need to communicate when you feel up to it.

Shakes pom poms fails miserably at splits

He doesn't phone me, I get the very rare text or email asking if his post has arrived or telling me he's cutting off internet etc. It was me that phoned him Saturday night, I lost all my dignity. He emailed me the next day saying he's sorry I felt the need to call him as he imagines it didn't help me. He said he has some sense of how I'm feeling but wants limited contact until we can discuss practical issues sensibly and that his priority is stopping paying for bills that he has no benefit from.

He hates me, wants me wiped out of his life totally and I've done nothing wrong.

You've done nothing wrong.

You are better than him, so much better, decent people don't act in such a cruel and callous manner. He has something deeply wrong within him to act such a way and it is not your fault.

It sounds silly but when things got bad for me I kept a perfect piece of sea glass in my pocket, it was chucked away without a thought and while things were rough to begin with and it was thrown about a lot with a bit of time became a beautiful rare and precious gem. I liked having the reminder to hold in my hand that I would be whole again and it would just take some time and I'd get there. I can send you a nice piece from my collection if you like.

I had put my Pom poms and hot pants away for the night.....( god whatnext, the sight of me in hot pants would make you laugh and cheer you up)....

BUT wanted to post to say please whatnext, don't feel you have to apologise for feeling down and being negative!!! Of course you are!! You've been let down badly, you're human, you loved him and you're sad. The rug had been pulled from under you- who wouldn't be feeling as you do???

Some people in rl may be fed up with you....news flash, they are in the wrong, not you!!!!!!! Try to lean on the rl people who aren'taking you feel this way. Allow yourself to grieve...as awful as it feels now, this process is like shedding a skin and you will emerge happier and stronger at the end. It is a process you need to go through, beating yourself up or worrying about negative wont help you. It's something you shouldn't be worrying about.

You also didn't lose your dignity on Saturday by phoning him. It's to be expected...if you were ringing 30 times a day, every day and turning up at his door in tears then I'd be agreeing on that score. But a phone call when you were extremely distraught and sad is understandable. It's happened, let it go.

However u feel with people in rl, don't apologise on here for being down, negative or sad. That's what we're here for. Whatnexts very own cheerleaders. We all want the best for you, so chin up girl and here's to another day/evening you've made it through. (Clinks glass of vino and puts down Pom poms)
Xx