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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

14 year old with 25 year old

110 replies

mewmeow · 01/10/2013 09:37

Just wanted people's perspectives really, we're not talking about my child (thank feck!). Rather it was me when I was younger. Bumped into the person yesterday and was civil but obviously a bit pissed because I feel it probably had negative conatations for me. But my mate went absolutely ape shouting 'peado' etc (she was my best mate back when we were together so knew the situation). I realise it was probably a bit of an explotative relationship because of the age gap, but as we were both essentially adults I don't think the pedo label is really appropriate. Just wondered people's perspectives, what reaction was justified mine or hers?

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 01/10/2013 09:39

Essentially an adult... at 14?

ommmward · 01/10/2013 09:40

Her reaction was justified.

cjel · 01/10/2013 09:42

Can understand her reaction but unless you are going to report him not sure what good it will do?

SuperiorCat · 01/10/2013 09:42

I've got a 15yo - he is not essentially an adult, nor are his female friends.

Norudeshitrequired · 01/10/2013 09:42

You were not an adult at 14.

noblegiraffe · 01/10/2013 09:44

I teach secondary. 14 year girls (Y9-10) are not essentially adults. They might think they are but are usually rather easily manipulated.

One of my students was seen as the 'streetwise' mature one. She was groomed by an older male who ended up in prison.

There is a serious imbalance of power in a relationship between a 14 year old girl and a 25 year old man.

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 01/10/2013 09:44

If a 25 year old tried getting with my 14 year old brother I would make sure it never happened. He isn't essentially an adult at all.

LunaticFringe · 01/10/2013 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMisdisappointed · 01/10/2013 09:48

This happened to me - i had a crush on a guy, i was 12, he was married, in his late 20s, early 30s. He totally took advantage of me and was doing sexually inappropriate things, i lost my virginity to someone else who was older too, then went back to him, because i thought i was "in love" with him. Having sex with him by the age of 15.

I am now dealing with horrible self esteem issues which i have put down to being bullied at school and a shit relationship with my mother but there is the possibility that i was sexually abused at the age of 12 :(

The man is a peado, no escaping it.

Original poster

mewmeow · 01/10/2013 09:48

Ah ok maybe I was being unreasonable, thanks for the perspective. I didn't mean 14 was an adult in the same way as 25, but not a child either iyswim. I always imagine someone abusing innocent children when I think of a peadophile, like a 10 year old. I was quite a grown up 14 year old, thought i new it all! I guess there is no cut off really though, and I would go barmy if my daughter was in the situation. But no there's nothing can be done, apparently he's in a realationship with someone over age of consent now so really nothing can be done about the past.

OP posts:

Original poster

mewmeow · 01/10/2013 09:49

And Lem I'm so so sorry, that's horrible for you. That's really quite shocking, 12 is very young for that sort of thing.

OP posts:

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 01/10/2013 09:53

A 20 year old did the same to me when I was 15. It was only when I went to police that it dawned on me that he had groomed me. I thought I was a know it all 'adult' when I was naive child and I have to live with that.

googlecanthelp · 01/10/2013 09:56

mewmeow; sorry can I ask how old you are now?

Most 14 year old think they know it all, but infect they are very venerable.

There is always something that can be done. Just because time has passed does not mean that you cant take action in some way.

Fairylea · 01/10/2013 09:56

I saw a 25 year old when I was 14. We never had a sexual relationship but we dated. I lied and told him I was 16, I looked very old for my age. At the time I felt very adult and felt in total control. I was very mature for my age.

As a 33 year old I now look back and realise how vulnerable I actually was. I went back to his house one night and we stayed up watching films etc. Nothing else happened and a week or so later I finished it with him, saying I had to concentrate on exams etc. He was very upset but left me alone.

I look back now and cringe.

BopsX3 · 01/10/2013 09:58

My ex went to prison for 27 months for this (after we'd split up). He was 21 and was dating a 14 yr old. He's now on the sex offenders register and is having to go through risk assessments and all kinds before he's allowed supervised contact with our son (that's if he even gets contact)

thecockyfoxreturns · 01/10/2013 09:58

The man is not a paedophile as at 14 you were not a pre pubescent child. I believe there is another word for being attracted to teenagers.

That is not to say that the relationship was right, your naivety was certainly taken advantage of and you were not essentially an adult.

Original poster

mewmeow · 01/10/2013 10:01

Google- I'm 23 now, lot of time passed.
Oh dear fairylea seems this is a surprisingly common occurance! I guess in that instance is wasn't intentional grooming as he didn't know your age so that's something I guess !

OP posts:

absentmindeddooooodles · 01/10/2013 10:02

When I was 14 I had the same thing. Rhought I bloody knew it all and I didnt. He was 26 and married. I thought we were in love etc etc. At 14 you are not an adult. Nowhere near. Coming up to 24 now, and I still consider mys2lf a young adult with alot to learn.

My dp had a sexual relationship with a 31 yo woman when he was 13. At the time he thought he was amazing and so did all his friends. He looks back now and sees just how wrong it was.

Neither of us are scarred by these incidents but can both see we were taken advantage of, and just how wrong it was.

thecockyfoxreturns · 01/10/2013 10:05

Oh and my first boyfriend was 23 when I was 15, and yes I thought I was a grown up, we had sex once before I was 16 and many times after. I never did and never have felt groomed. I am 30 now.
I got with my husband when I was 17 and he was 26 again no grooming just an honest loving relationship.

thecockyfoxreturns · 01/10/2013 10:05

curlew · 01/10/2013 10:07

Your friend was completely unreasonable to "go absolutely ape and shout paedo".

But that's what he was.

Fairylea · 01/10/2013 10:10

I think there is a trust issue with an older man being with a young teenager, to me it is still paedophilic behaviour, although obviously in my case I lied so he had no idea I was 14. I still think it is odd that someone in their mid 20s would want to be with a teenager, even a 16 year old. My dh is 26 and if we separated I think I'd be a little bit sick to find out he'd begun a relationship with a 16/17 year old because the level of maturity is so different, even if they don't realise it at the time.

I think the balance of maturity and power in such relationships is a bit questionable (as in 16/17 with a much older man or woman).

I only really feel I've grown up the last three years or so and I am 33 with a ten year old and a 16 month old!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/10/2013 10:15

When you say 'negative connotations' OP, do you mean that you felt you were exploited or is it the same negativity you'd feel towards any ex that you didn't care for? I suppose what I'm getting at is whether you feel damaged by the experience or not.

thecockyfoxreturns · 01/10/2013 10:21

fairylea
It really isn't always the case that the levels of maturity are so different. In our case at 17 in someways I really was more mature than him at 26. I still am at 30 and him 39.

At 15 when my first boyfriend was 23 there was an imbalance of power but dealing with the consequences of that relationship left me with a far more adult understanding of the world than a lot of my peers.

LEMisdisappointed · 01/10/2013 10:22

My DP is 7 years my senior, which i am sure everyone would agree is no gap at all. We met when i was 21. I have asked him would he have still gone out with me if we met when HE was 21 and i was 14, his answer was absolutely no way - firstly, it would be wrong and secondly, what would a 21 year old MAN want with a 14 year old CHILD, he said there simply would be no attraction there.

I thought it was great when i was being used by an older man - i thought i was oh so mature, and grateful for being allowed to suck his cock in the back of his double glazing showroom. Oh yes, i used to go home and cry because he went home to his wife and kids as well. I thought i loved him, i used to self harm just to get the emotion out - I saw him recently, he didn't recognise me. But make no mistake about it, he was getting off on the power trip and kept me dangling for 7 years :( I felt physically sick when i saw him. The only thing that actually stops me from reporting this man is because it would not be fair on his now grown up children, what would it achieve apart from making me feel better? . His wife left him, so I am pretty sure she realised what a cunt he really was.

It is precisely BECAUSE a 14 year old CHILD is in a rush to be a grown up that older men should not take advantage of them! They are not emotionally ready for that sort of thing, they just arent.

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