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Original poster

14 year old with 25 year old

110 replies

mewmeow · 01/10/2013 09:37

Just wanted people's perspectives really, we're not talking about my child (thank feck!). Rather it was me when I was younger. Bumped into the person yesterday and was civil but obviously a bit pissed because I feel it probably had negative conatations for me. But my mate went absolutely ape shouting 'peado' etc (she was my best mate back when we were together so knew the situation). I realise it was probably a bit of an explotative relationship because of the age gap, but as we were both essentially adults I don't think the pedo label is really appropriate. Just wondered people's perspectives, what reaction was justified mine or hers?

OP posts:
Thewhingingdefective · 01/10/2013 12:53

I don't think it is always clear cut, although I am aware how the law stands.

I briefly went with a 25 year old when I was 15. At 16 I met my husband... who was 31. We kept our relationship quiet from most people but my parents knew and allowed him to come to the house - probably to keep an eye on him.

We have been together 20 years now.

I know my experience doesn't reflect how these things are in many cases. Just thought I would throw it out there.

Spottybra · 01/10/2013 12:57

Too big an age gap for my liking. IMO once you get past 17 you don't date below 16yrs. It's predatory.

CountryCob · 01/10/2013 13:02

16 and 20 was too much of a gap for me looking back especially given how sheltered my life had been up til then, it was not a great relationship although it lasted for three years and the thought of it weirds me out now... Confused Would not enjoy meeting him again, yes reaction not very helpful now but do not waste your time worrying about whether it was fair or not and avoid him would be my advice xx

fromparistoberlin · 01/10/2013 13:06

OP and LEM

I think its so tricky this stuff, and when you are 8 (for example) you have pretty much zilch sexual emotions. Its abuse, clear and simple

Whats so cruel when it comes to early teenage girls is they do have sexual feelings, they do have a desire to be attractive, and in a weird way they might enjoy some of the attention.

But its WRONG , and yet even more of a headfuck for these poor girls. as can be seen they somehow blame themselves, its so upsetting. Yoiu are both abused, and have a genuine confision.

LEM, I BAN you from referring to yourself as a slag, actually breaks my heart reading it! Sad

skyeskyeskye · 01/10/2013 13:06

When I was 15 I went out with a 21 yo. He was very immature. We lived in a rural area, where all ages used to hang out together as there were not many of us aged between 13 and 20. The older lads used to drive us around, take us swimming, to the cinema, days out on a Sunday.

I certainly never considered him a paedophile and never will.

I was only thinking of this the other day when I read a story in the press about a 21yo grooming a 14yo. It got me thinking about my situation.

Obviously the man was older than me, but he certainly never pressured me into sex. We did sleep together before I was 16. I ended the relationship and he was very upset about it at the time.

He most certainly did not groom me though.

FabricQueen · 01/10/2013 13:10

This happened to me, I was 14, he was 23. At the time I thought I was in love with him and I wanted to date him and be his GF, now I look back at the age of 30 and feel horrible. It was so wrong of him as he was old enough to know better, he knew my age and how vulnerable I was and he didn't care. I have never seen him since and sometimes wonder what I would do or say if I ever met him again.

CountryCob · 01/10/2013 13:12

I think that this post shows how complicated things are, please do not call yourself a slag, all men are different I think our "boyfriends" were exploitative but obviously all of them are not and some are actually loving relationships, if you are a nasty piece of work semi grooming relationships where you have all the power showing porn to young kids and making them do sexual things you would not do as an adult by making them think that is what grown ups do is wrong, you are not alone and not a slag and the few men who do not act like this and seek out an unbalanced relationship so they can but instead fall in love are not the same as the ones we are talking about, please let's not fall out

HavantGuard · 01/10/2013 13:12

Just because a relationship lasts doesn't make it less inappropriate.

Wellwobbly · 01/10/2013 13:24

he certainly never pressured me into sex.

I think that is the key why you are fine about it, Skye.

LEMisdisappointed · 01/10/2013 13:33

I do think there is a fine line - the problem is knowing where to draw it.

Thewingingdetective - your DH clearly wasn't grooming you as you have remained together for a long time and i hope things are going well between you. It was clearly a positive experience for you - yes he wanted to keep it secret, but not in an underhanded way, your parents were aware. I do think that there are perfectly legitimate situations where there are big age gaps. I do struggle to see what a 31 year old would see in a 16yo but relationships with huge age gaps do happen and are perfectly happy. My friend is 14 years older than her DP, although they met when she was 37 and he was 23/24. They have been together ever since and she is 63 now :) I think the key is "loving relationship" rather than using someone for sex.

We do have to be realistic in as much as girl do mature more quickly than boys do. I have taught in college and have been Shock at some of the things the girls of 16 are talking about, the boys of that age however seem more interested in their X-boxes! So i would have thought a 16yo girl with a 20/21 year old guy fine actually, but it really does all depend on context and the individuals. I do think however that if someone is 15 then they really should wait before they have sex - they may feel mature enough but the age of consent is there for a reason - and lets face it, if someone is willing to wait, they might actually be worth knowing!

Norudeshitrequired · 01/10/2013 14:14

I think a 20 odd year old who knowingly sleeps with a 14 year old (or younger) deserves to be prosecuted and made to sign the sex offenders register. The grey area for me us those cases where the 14 year old has made the 20 odd year old believe she is 17. Lots of 14 year old girls can pass for being much older once they have the help of make up. What do we do about men who have had sex with 14 year olds thinking they were older.
Think train spotting and that scene where the guy is horrified when the girl puts her uniform on the morning after (fiction but nit far from many real situations).

Dahlen · 01/10/2013 14:20

The thing is though rude you know that many girls can appear older because of makeup, etc. So do most people. Ignorance is not an excuse. A 14-year-old may well look 17 or 18, but she's certainly not going to look 21. If you were a decent man who looked at a seemingly 17-year-old girl and thought 'phwoar', your next thought should be 'as she looks 17, she could well be younger. I should check'.

CountryCob · 01/10/2013 14:26

I don't think the op was talking about one off sex with someone who thought she was older but a more manipulative relationship where you are made to do things you do not want to and to feel bad about yourself and a lot of the power is with the older man, I do think the difference between a young 16 year old and a grown up man is not great, surprised how familiar some of your stories are to mine gross gross memories xx

HighBrows · 01/10/2013 14:32

If you were a decent man who looked at a seemingly 17-year-old girl and thought 'phwoar', your next thought should be 'as she looks 17, she could well be younger. I should check'.

Couldn't agree more with you Dahlen.

Norudeshitrequired · 01/10/2013 14:34

Dahlen - how would he check?
I am not being deliberately facetious, just thinking back to my own days as a 15 year old when I used to go out clubbing. You had to be 21 to get into most of the clubs but I used to get in without any problems (and no fake id). There would have been no reason for guys in the club to think I was under 16. I could easily have lied about my age but never did. Fortunately I never met any guys who were interested in underage girls.

Original poster
mewmeow · 01/10/2013 14:39

I do think it is different if they genuinely believe the girl/boy is older and especially if she has actually told him/her thats the case. However, i can see how this logic could be used by people who actually are predatory to justify their actions.
It also works the other way of course, in my op i said the age was 25, but there were many different rumours about the age being closer to 30. I dont think that was the case but its hard to be exactly sure without asking for some form of ID, which can be bit weird in a new relationship!

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 01/10/2013 14:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HighBrows · 01/10/2013 14:40

NoRude I think you are misunderstanding this thread. It's one thing if young girls lie about their ages however throughout this thread all the 'men' involved with young girls knew they were young and under the age of consent. This didn't stop them acting in a predatory way. Any man I know would know the difference between a 15 year old girl and a 21 year old adult.

What you are proposing is a completely different scenario.

Dahlen · 01/10/2013 14:40

If in doubt, don't go there. It's not compulsory to sleep with someone you are attracted to but have doubts about their age. A man's knob is not going to fall off if he doesn't take his chances. It's a message I am drumming into my son.

Dahlen · 01/10/2013 14:42

We are derailing slightly, I agree, but I think it's relevant as in many cases the defence used by an older, predatory man who has a relationship with a teen under the age of consent, will be that he thought she was older when they embarked on their affair and by the time he found out he was already in too deep. Hmm

Any man with an IQ above 5 would realise that a young looking girl who is unable to provide proof she is over 16 is probably lying. That "she looked older" is not a defence for door staff etc.

HighBrows · 01/10/2013 14:43

Again I am in total agreement with you Dahlen.

I have an almost 18 year old son, he is very immature however if he arrived home with a 15 year old girlfriend I'd be very unimpressed. I've spoken to him about how girls can look older etc.

Norudeshitrequired · 01/10/2013 14:45

Yes high brows - I did say that if the man is aware that the girl is underage then he should be prosecuted.
I was just responding to the previous comments about grey areas and thin lines and saying that for me the only grey area is if he genuinely didn't know she was underage.

HighBrows · 01/10/2013 14:48

Well to be honest I know many men and I know for certainty that they know the difference between a young girl, under the age of consent and a woman.

Norudeshitrequired · 01/10/2013 14:49

Maybe I just looked old before my time Sad

bigknickersforthepicker · 01/10/2013 14:54

I had this exact thing. 14. he was 27 . married.

I thought I was so grown up. knew it all.

know I shiver. He took advantage and if any man considers the same with my dd I'll be screaming too. I don't think he abused me. it was definitely consensual but I believe strongly that he knew it was wrong. That he was taking advantage and I was not of an adult mind to know better.

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