14 year old with 25 year old

[mewmeow]

Just wanted people's perspectives really, we're not talking about my child (thank feck!). Rather it was me when I was younger. Bumped into the person yesterday and was civil but obviously a bit pissed because I feel it probably had negative conatations for me. But my mate went absolutely ape shouting 'peado' etc (she was my best mate back when we were together so knew the situation). I realise it was probably a bit of an explotative relationship because of the age gap, but as we were both essentially adults I don't think the pedo label is really appropriate. Just wondered people's perspectives, what reaction was justified mine or hers?

"I think partly it's just the realationship as a whole. But in hindsight the age is a massive contributor"

Do you think you'd benefit from some help in working through that 'hindsight'? It's fairly normal, I'd have thought, to want to put a bad experience behind you and get on with life but as LEM says, you may not realise that it has gone on to affect you in some way. Have your subsequent relationships been healthy, for example? Do you have high self-esteem?

oh, shit.

Didn't realise what I had walked into. Carry on.

Not one person has said that your DH is a perv - or anything of the sort! You were 17! You yourself admitted that the other "relationship" was wrong and exploitative. I feel sorry for you that you have such a screwed up view of the world.

This was quite common amongst my peer group when I was younger. I lost my virginity at just 14 to a 24 year old. I then dated a 22 year old from 14 to 17. Nearly all my friendship group had lost their virginity by 14.5 and almost all to older men. One friend lost it at 12 to a 23 and I remember the police being involved a she missed a period and had to tell her mother. None of us were shocked and it seemed quite normal back then.

However we also used to get served for alcohol from about 13, go to nightclubs and raves and hang about with much older lads. (this was late 1990's) I often think back to situations now and realise how potentially dangerous and screwed up they were I certainly hope no future DD of mine gets herself unit the same situations so young.

TheFabulousIdiot I would think that this 'relationship' the OP had was abusive and therefore her friend was right in her assumption that this man was wrong having a relationship with such a young child. A 14 year old is a child and needs to be protected not taken advantage of.

Cocky There was no need for that at all. You were fucking 17. There's a difference!

You sound very defensive for someone who seems to think there is nothing wrong with your relationship and arguing for no fucking reason when its about been underage not been 17!

I was 15 and raped by a 20 year old who made me think it was normal in 'grown up relationships'

She did tell her she was abused by him though - she told her she had sex with him at 14 when he was 23, that makes him an abuser and earns him a place on the sex offenders register. She wasn't describing the oh so lovely romantic scenario where older man falls in love with mature 17 year old girl and they go on to live happy every after - it happens, girls mature faster than boys, it happens. She was describing a 23 year old MAN taking advantage of, using and then discaring a 14 year old child! Had he cared for her, he would have waited - THAT is the difference. NOT one person on this thread has said that age gaps are inappropriate, but having sex with someone under the age of consent is against the law, and for a good reason.

I wonder if corky would be stickin up for Jimmy Savvile? Surely he was just overwhelmed by the lovely nubile bodies of all those little trollops who threw themselves at him

Obviously this is an extremely contentious issue, didn't realise quite how so until I posted this.
Yes there are cases where an age gap is acceptable, in cockys situation for a example. But Lems situation is extremely different! I don't know how you can justify a married man of 30 with a 12 year old even before I posted this I would have known how exploitative and damaging that is.
The thing is with men who do this is that they many be attracted to someone who is fairly innocent and naive and therefore easier to manipulate and control which is very damaging for the person involved! The reason I posted my op is because I think it is a bit of a grey area in my case and I'm not sure how I feel about it! At the time I loved it and everything was very consensual, but he did the chasing and in hindsight it makes my skin crawl. Having a dd of my own changes my opinion somewhat as well from how I originally viewed it. Sorry if this has shovelled up shit for people :( especially you Lem. Don't worry about the odd dodgy comment, the majority have nothing but sympathy for your horrible situation

I have reported your post of 11.02, fox.

My Dad meet my mum when he was 14 and she was 11. They got married when she was 19 and he was 22 and had their 50th anniversary this year and are nearly 80. Its ok to have a loving relationship when young but my Dad waited till my mum was 19 and married her before they had a sexual relation.

Its the intent and actions of the older person that is qiestionable.

There is a big difference between 14 and 11 and 25 and 14. Both are still at school for a start, it's a much more level playing field.

mewmeow - i think you have a very sensible approach to it actually.

I am doing ok actually and you are right, i do have a nice life - its not perfect (as anyone will see from some of my threads) but i am very lucky. I have a wonderful DP, 8 years older than me and two wonderful DDs. I have self esteem issues and i suffer from anxiety but i am not sure they are down to that man. I don't like to give him that level of significance. He did however ruin my teenage years - i should have been out having fun with my friends, not pining over some scummy married man who groomed me from the age of 12. I did go off the rails and slept with alot of men - hey corky, i bet you love that don't you, see, i really was a little slut! I massively regret that and it was because of him - i thought you got a person to like you through having sex with them, i was wrong. None of it was on my terms - i wouldn't have regretted it if it were - if I had gone out and had lots of sex because i wanted sex, instead i went out and had lots of sex because i thouht thats what you did :(

You don't have to feel anything, in fact, don't give it/him a second thought because you certainly did nothing wrong. I tend to agree with you that the peado label doesn't fit in your case - he was however still a slimy cunt, so next time, shout that :)

Firstly a 14 and 11 year old are both children. Secondly the balance of power is level. At 14 and 25 one is an adult and one is a child. The balance of power is in favour of the adult who should know better.

Can people not see the difference?

Easy - that sounds lovely actually :)

Corgito- I've been in a very loving healthy relationship for 7years now, I do, like everyone, have issues... But I don't think they were caused by this relationship. In fact I think it was because I had issues that I was out meeting older men, drinking and taking drugs iyswim. Maybe it has affected me deep down somewhere I don't know, hadn't really given it much thought until bumping into them yesterday and now I feel like shit but it will pass. And like someone said that could just be the whole thing about bumping into an ex.

Meow....I think ypu are right about the grey area in some cases. At 14/15 I looked and acyed alot older than I was....could get into clubs etc. I had a boyfriend who was 21 when I was 15. Again slightly odd, but he was quite immature and I was like I said older for my age.

Im not condoning a man being attracted to a teenager in all cases. But like you say sometimes its not as clear cut.

By the age of 17 its a whole different thing. All the issues change once ypu are out of school for a start. College ime is a more adult environment, with mixed age groups etc and it can be easy to fall for someone when you are sharing classes day in day out regardlessof age. I use this as an example because at 17 I was dating a 29 yo. There was nothing wrong about it. Had I been 14 it would have made all the difference.

Hope you all manage to work through all of this. Hindsight can be a bitch :(

thecockyfoxreturns what a nasty, vicious child grooming apologist you are. When I was 14 I was 'seduced' by a 30 year old man. I sucked his cock and then he had sex with me until I bled. Afterwards he dropped me off home in his BMW and told me although he l8ved me it was probably best I didn't tell anyone as they wouldn't understand.

What names do you want to call me?

Sorry i got intreupted by little people!

I was trying to point out the difference between a loving relationship and an abusive man/partner. A 14 yo is a child and any man that acts on it has something wrong with him imo.

Cocky, that post of yours was a disgrace and the first one I've ever reported on Mumsnet.

To everyone who had such exploitative relationships I'm sorry you had those experiences, I find such predatory men disgusting personally and even did when I was in my teens, they just gave me the creeps. I tended to go out with boys either the same age or a year younger even though I was mature for my age. In retrospect I think that this was because they were less likely to pressure me for sex and I had no intention of having sex until I was ready.

Power imbalance

wrong

WHAT is a 21 year old, doing with a 14 year old, if not to be in a position of power? Its hardly a sharing of hearts minds and souls, is it?

Deeply immature 21 year old IMO, poor boundaries, exploitative.

If a 20+ year old targetted my 14 year old, there would be hefty men and pickaxe handles involved. And that is a promise not a premise.

the age of consent is there for a reason. It has to be set somewhere, but generally no-one under 16 (or often older) is sufficiently mature to be playing grown up games. No normal older adult would find a child of 14 interesting for a real relationship - one that involves respect, conversation, shared humour etc.

those who want just sex may well be attracted to a young teen, especially one that looks older. but it is ILLEGAL to have sex with under 16s to protect them from the 'taking advantage' to which the OP refers.

OP, you were not an adult even though you thought you were - you were subject to child abuse. If it is an issue for you, you can still report it now. I have to say that your mate screaming 'pedo' in the street is not a helpful reaction.

It doesn't matter how mature you think you are at 14, it doesn't matter how mature you act. That is the whole point of the age of consent. Because it doesn't matter what you think the law knows that 16 is the youngest you can be to make that decision (and personally i would like to see it raise to 18).

The 25 year old know that you are a child and therefore it is wrong. End of discussion.

I find it wholly inappropriate and would judge any man (or woman) who had a 'relationship' with someone of that age.

Actually, years ago a friend of my now husband was with a 14/15 year old. I think he was about 25/26 at the time, so very similar OP. I was baffled as people seemed to think it was ok . I had a sister of the same age at the time and was utterly disgusted