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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Disastrous date feeling a bit frightened

180 replies

Dearjackie · 30/09/2013 22:47

I went on a second date with someone tonight. We got along so well on both dates I felt at ease with him. I asked if he wanted to come in for a drink when we got to mine making clear it was just for drink

God I feel quite freaked out at the moment and I don't know if I've over- reacted but I didn't feel very safe so had to tell him to leave. He looked quite shocked and said are you serious like he couldn't believe he'd upset me. What is wrong with me can't I trust anyone?

OP posts:
brokenhearted55 · 01/10/2013 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 01/10/2013 10:01

If you run into him, chin up, chest out, no big deal. walk tall.
Keep repeating 'I owe him nothing. it was only two dates ffs'
The sense of guilt nd obligation that bring in an EA rs has left you with is hard to shake. but you owe him Nothing. you are not obliged. you have no need for guilt, shame or embarrassment of any sort.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/10/2013 10:08

I don't think dating is the right environment to make male friends if that's what you want. When two single adults get together over the metaphorical candlelit dinner table there are certain expectations on all sides (apologies if that offends anyone), the behaviour is artificial and 'sex' is the elephant in the room. Agree with the PP to socialise with people of all ages, genders and marital statuses as that's the way to make friends. Dating is the way you make lovers.

Gruntfuttock · 01/10/2013 10:18

Dearjackie I don't understand why you were so frightened that you had a knife by your bed and were too scared to sleep.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 01/10/2013 10:19

You did so well.

For what it is worth, I once invited a man up for a coffee (he suggested, I made very clear it was for coffee only), not even a date, a new business contact who had offered to walk me home on a Friday night.

I could not get him out. He was verbally abusive for hours. I am angle to keep him talking and he eventually left without physical violence. It was horrid.

Well done.

Do not worry about bumping into him. Remain polite. You behaved well. It is okay to have a change of mind.

Lweji · 01/10/2013 10:47

I am a bit Hmm at some posts.

If I date, I am in it to find a lover, of course.
But I still expect not to be sleazed into bed by anyone.

I don't think it's the OP's expectations that were the issue here.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 01/10/2013 11:11

I don't know anything about your past relationship, but I think you definitely did the right thing last night. I would have been freaked out as well, and definitely got rid. So well done, and always use YOUR instincts they are there for a reason.

SarahBumBarer · 01/10/2013 11:18

Yeah - I know, you said on your last thread how well you were doing too when people questioned whether you were dating too soon. But it all sounds a bit manic/too quick to have actually processed anything or its impact on you. Just how it seemed to me but I note what you say.

With regard to the debate about invitations home for coffee - if I am certain that I do not want to sleep with a guy then I do not invite them in for coffee. Hence a coffee invitation is at the least a "maybe". Women see invitations back for coffee in different ways so it is no wonder that guys do too. Regardless of that - it is still my decision whether coffee becomes anything more but any guy that I did invite back would be quite reasonable to think that something more was a possibility.

MissGarth · 01/10/2013 12:19

LilyBosom, thank you so much for the link upthread to the online Freedom Programme.

I have been thinking for a long time that I needed to do it, but I had a bit of counselling years ago when I left my abuser that really did not help at all so I was always a bit afraid to turn up somewhere else.

Now I'm in a situation where I'm happily married but have managed to get myself entangled in an organisation where the head person is very reminiscent of my abuser and I know I need to do something or else I'll continue to find these people.

I saw in your post about the online programme, have signed up and done chapter 1 this morning, many thanks Thanks Thanks

LilyBossom · 01/10/2013 12:23

Am so pleased MissGarth :) I found it a bit harrowing I must admit, and wish I had taken a bit more time to do the course, but have found it absolutely invaluable & so worthwhile.

MissGarth · 01/10/2013 12:30

Thanks, interesting what you say about wishing you had spent more time on it..I felt my head might explode if I did any more today so I was planning to do one chapter each day, but maybe I'll do one every other day instead now x

Hissy · 01/10/2013 13:13

My love, micro analysing a new relationship when you've had dreadful, abusive relationships in thé past is absolutely normal! We have to go through it imo, to understand that we do have all the tools (instinct, balls etc) to spot a 'red flag' and end the relationship right there and then.

So. Lesson 1 complete! You know your instincts are working, and that you have the balls and courage to get yourself out of a less than satisfactory liaison.

Now you can relax a little, and prepare for lesson 2: a better kind of boyfriend.

This won't be the 'Forever Man' either, you will learn from him and move on.

Meantime enjoy the 'Transition Men' keep your eyes and mind open, and your heart and soul protected! :)

You did well here! Really well. Do the freedom programme online asap, but offline too, it's an investment in you that will protect you from future harm as far as twattish blokes are concerned.

Be proud of yourself love, you've started your recovery from an abusive relationship.

Be kind to yourself too, you deserve that!

Hissy · 01/10/2013 13:16

To all those in or out of former abusive relationships, please know that if you don't treat it, the scars will stay forever, there isn't any alternative to therapy/freedom prog imo.

The issues pre-date the abuse, so you have to look at them first, but in context.

The FP isn't a golden bullet, but it's a good start.

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 01/10/2013 13:57

hissy excellent post. that is what was trying and failing to say about moving on and working through Thanks

(still to chicken to do Fp but really should)

Hissy · 01/10/2013 14:07

Love, I had to ring WA, sob down the phone to them for an hour, JUST to get the strength to book myself on the FP!

I've come an AWFUL long way in the last 2 years.

From agoraphobia to chair of a DV charity, and giving talks on DV to up to 80 army personnel/officers.

The FP didn't do all that, but it was an important ingredient!

What have you got to lose? Fear? What have you got to gain? Your strong self back.

No contest really!

It's 12 (free) weeks where you get to hear that none of this was your fault, but also examining the dynamic of what's happened to you, and to your DC.

KouignAmann · 01/10/2013 14:16

Great advice hissy
I am a regular from the EA thread (with a new cake name)

Jackie you still sound very fragile and not ready for all this. Be kind to yourself and take more time. We can see it even if you can't.

I am still with my Transition Man after two years. We have a rolling "6 week renewal" clause which has just passed it's 16th review! We both were a bit battered when we met and in need of TLC.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/10/2013 14:44

The point is that even if some guys view a coffee invitation as "a maybe" when he tried I TOLD him clearly it was too soon for that I didn't know him enough, then he STILL tried to push and as soon as he started saying are you frightened THAT freaked me out, because it was a very odd thing to ask in my opinion within the context of what was going on. I took it to mean rightly or wrongly that I may have reason to be frightened of the situation. Also he had some very un- nerving expressions on his face. I am not normally like this but something felt wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/10/2013 14:47

Thank you all for helping. I will definately take a look at the freedom program

OP posts:
whitsernam · 01/10/2013 14:52

I think you're really developing good radar for bad situations, and you did absolutely the right thing getting this guy out of your house!!

I have also found that it is best not to invite a guy in at all unless I'm really sure about him, and would be open to sex. They somehow just assume that's on the agenda when invited inside a home.... so you might just keep it to pubic spaces until they seem really trustworthy to you.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/10/2013 14:59

brokenhearted sorry to read of you experience. I don't think I backed off because I'm emotionally un available . Yes I went through a lot with ex and may have some scars which need to heal but I don't love him anymore, that has defiantly died.

I backed off because he scared me. Also because we had a chat and it turned out although he was wanting a relationship apparently he had asked his ex to marry him only in MAY and here we are in SEPT and he's saying he's over her. I felt that actually he was probably emotionally Unavailable and that made me put the brakes on

OP posts:
Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/10/2013 15:07

LEM there was an attraction not a mad lust like with ex but that's why I liked it because I didn't want that again to that extent. But I did fancy him until he started behaving like that. I also had felt he was a ice person and we laughed together which I had hoped may be a relationship which would develop slowly. I had all the mad, passionate, dive straight in thing with ex and look where it lead

OP posts:
MrsMinkBernardLundy · 01/10/2013 21:08

Jackie hope you are feeling better this evening after your unnerving experience Thanks

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/10/2013 21:18

Thank you mink yes I'm feeling a lot better now x

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/10/2013 21:20

What's your plan with this man Jackie?

perfectstorm · 01/10/2013 22:18

You know, I read something recently that talked about how many women are victims of rape because they are so socialised into being polite and accommodating that they learn to dismiss their misgivings and turn off their protective radar when something isn't right. And so they go along with all kinds of initial approaches that actually unsettle them, because they tell themselves they're over-reacting and being hysterical, and then it's too late.

This guy was trying really hard to pressure you into sex, spoke unpleasantly about women who are sexually active, tried to talk you into taking things into bed "just to cuddle" (good luck with reporting a rapist who did that first after a date, sadly) and then started asking if you were frightened. Sure, he may have meant that innocently. But someone in work requiring an enhanced CRB should know all about boundaries, and safeguarding. And I would have been scared shitless, too.

I think you should be proud of yourself. He might have been harmless but weird and creepy, in which case you wanted him out, and he was being really rude trying to pressure you and gaslighting you. Or he might have been a potential attacker - and by asserting yourself, you removed yourself from that situation. I hope I'd have the guts to do likewise in a similar situation, but honestly I have no idea if I would. I think the social conditioning on being polite and not offending even people invading our space is painfully strong.

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