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Original poster

Disastrous date feeling a bit frightened

180 replies

Dearjackie · 30/09/2013 22:47

I went on a second date with someone tonight. We got along so well on both dates I felt at ease with him. I asked if he wanted to come in for a drink when we got to mine making clear it was just for drink

God I feel quite freaked out at the moment and I don't know if I've over- reacted but I didn't feel very safe so had to tell him to leave. He looked quite shocked and said are you serious like he couldn't believe he'd upset me. What is wrong with me can't I trust anyone?

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 01/10/2013 09:10

Is it this guy , Dearjackie ? The one you felt this strong and unexplained connection with after just one meeting last week, and who was already mentioning the word "relationship" to you on the very day he met you?

Yeah. That level of intensity is no good. And you sound all over the place in that thread and this one.

You are 2 months out of an abusive relationship: this is no time to date. You are shell-shocked and vulnerable, and have a lot of work ahead of you to stabilise and (re-)learn who you are, what you're worth, and what you want in life.

Please take time to breathe, regroup, be on your own, do the Freedom Programme... It will do you good. But stay away from dating: it's an emotional rollercoaster at the best of times, and you don't need to add anything so destabilizing to your life right now. Take some time to take care of yourself first.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/10/2013 09:13

I thought it was the same person. Definitely step out of dating for a while. You did very well to reject this man the way you did - absolutely the right thing - but you need to rebuild your confidence.

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 01/10/2013 09:13

Jackie if you do want to get in touch all you have to say is 'i am not ready for this sorry' or if you feel that might invite him to wait just say 'i don't see this going anywhere'

Even if that is not the precise truth it will do. after two dates you don't owe him an in depth look i to your soul.
i went on a date either a nice guy. we kissed. he was very respectful. we were supposed to go in a second date. but we ended up mother going because he said one thing in a text that because of where i was at made me feel a bit odd so i bailed. it was difficult because i felt like i wasletting him down and i don't like letting people down. and then i realised i don't owe him anything other than basic good manners.

Who knows it may have been great. it may nite. but right there and then, no.

And i worried that i just could not go there anymore. that the past had damaged me irreparably. and i just wanted to be better to be over it right now. to not have been damaged in the first place.
I am guessing this might be how you are feeling too?

Well now i am coping better. i am not so much damaged as changed these days. the bar i set is higher. but i am getting there. and learning to put my own feelings before not wanting to upset other people has been important..as has learning to give myself time.

I still watch myself all the time in weird detached way and i still over analyse things but i can see things getting better.

(((hugs))) you will feel better. it will all get easier. but EA Isaac difficult thing to untangls yourself from.
You did the right thing. you now need to become comfortable with where you are.

LilyBossom · 01/10/2013 09:16

you can do the Freedom Programme online for free here - and they send you books at the end too :) Is very worthwhile doing.

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

openerofjars · 01/10/2013 09:21

I think the thing that stands out for me is that it's all about him.

"Have I lost you?" is incredibly manipulative and is trying to get you to change your mind based on guilt.

As someone upthread said, you owe this guy diddly squat. Don't let him guilt you into engaging in why you made the decisions you did. If you don't want to see him again you don't have to.

God, there is so much pressure (not on MN, just in general) for women to avoid offending men and to try and be nice at all cost. Fuck nice. Fuck it in the ear.

LEMisdisappointed · 01/10/2013 09:24

Has anyone suggested you phone the police and get this vile sexual predator locked up yet?

expatinscotland · 01/10/2013 09:26

Jackie, PLEASE just stop. Stop analysing this and this person, stop contact, and, as you are newly out of a bad relationship, stop dating for a while. Take a BREAK and get some help and support to get your confidence and judgement in better spot.

It happened, he's manipulating, block, delete and just stop all focusing on men, dating and relationships and start focusing on YOU and being able to be happy yourself in your own right.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/10/2013 09:31

Four Confused

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/10/2013 09:32

He never said he was thinking of moving. He just asked if I thought 15 miles was too far to have a relationship

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 01/10/2013 09:33

It doesn't surprise me Annie

Anniegetyourgun · 01/10/2013 09:37

No, that's not what I meant. Nobody has said he should be locked up. Not one. But three other posters have said the thread is full of it. I will let you off if you haven't read it yet.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/10/2013 09:38

notdead I think I was pretty straight with him. More is coming back to me now. When he said about he could definately see himself falling for me if we carried on he also said did I feel it and to tell him now if I couldn't see it happening as he'd rather know. I replied yes I like you but am nont ready to sleep with you as it's too soon and I don't know you well enough

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/10/2013 09:40

Jackie, you just got out of an abusive relationship and are wasting loads of time on . . . trying to get another relationship.

Why?

MOVE ON. Delete the guy. Fuck analysing this, get some help and stop going from man to man to man expecting something to work out.

brokenhearted55 · 01/10/2013 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/10/2013 09:47

I'm not analysing it for his sake only for my own sake and moving forward in how I deal with things. I am proud of what I did last night I would never have done that with the ex I was too "nice"

I'm not looking for a serious relationship reall y which is why I laid it on the line with him last night, but I wouldn't mind a few male friends to go out with. It's not easy when your 48 and all your friends are married. That's all it's about, not trying desperately to find the love of my life.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/10/2013 09:49

'15 miles was too far to have a relationship' .... But you were uncomfortable with that statement at the time. You thought he was a bit too keen or running ahead of himself talking about 'relationships' when that's not what you wanted.

Branleuse · 01/10/2013 09:49

only a fool disregards their instincts.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 01/10/2013 09:50

Listen to expat, she makes a lot of sense. Give yourself some time to heal properly. Send this guy a polite text saying you don't want to see him again and don't enter into any more contact with him.

mummytime · 01/10/2013 09:52

Try to make new friends. I know lots of people in their 40s and 50s who for various reasons aren't in a couple. You don't need a man, just make some friends. Take up a hobby, do an evening class. Get to know people, expand your circle of friends.

SarahBumBarer · 01/10/2013 09:53

Look - even if the worst thing he did was to be insenstive given what he knows of your history that is bad enough and even if he had done NOTHING you have the right to ask him to leave if you no longer want him in your house even if the reason for that is you freaking out and overreacting.

But your last thread and this thread makes it clear that you are no-where near in the right place to be dating. I actually do think that YOU are pretty fucked up (who wouldn't be after what you have been through) and need some sort of counselling/programme.

But you are not going to listen to that are you? You are going to keep launching your vulnerable self into relationships. Nearly all of your replies on this thread are focussed on him - not nearly enough about yourself and how you you need to deal with what has happened to you and how it has affected you.

Rikalaily · 01/10/2013 09:53

He gaslit you on a second date! You are well rid of him, imagine what he would be like further down the line!

Your instincts were spot on, well done for getting him to leave.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/10/2013 09:53

Have just realised I'm starting a new job soon and may run into him occasionally as he has to call there sometimes

OP posts:
MrsMinkBernardLundy · 01/10/2013 09:56

Jackie I agree with the others who say you are rushing yourself.
I totally understand why you are rushing yourself. Brew but you really do need to accept the sad truth that even though you were in no way to blame for the EA that happened in previous rs you are the one who has to take the time and deal with it. for you Thanks. It isn't fair but it is necessary.

if he has moved on, good riddance, and pity her. don't go dating as a reaction to what he does. it should be a reaction to what you need.

As soon as i realised what had happened to me i wanted to be better to be over it, to move on. but it just does not work like that.

You have not done anything wrong here. you have learned that your boundaries are in place and you can assert yourself. that is a good thing. and you have observed that you don't trust. you may need to work on that odd you may just need to give it time.

All of this is stuff you have to work through. and if you need to analyse it here, then that is good. but just remember no picking up the big stick and be kind to yourself Thanks

It does get better.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/10/2013 09:57

Er no sarah I have actually done really well since the breakup and obviously it's a steep learning curve still. Well I've tried this and I've learnt. No I am not going to keep launching myself into relationships.

If it appears I'm focused on him that's wrong as its not how I feel, I am working through my own reactions in my head and on here so as to learn from it, not because I'm bothered about him

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 01/10/2013 09:59

Jackie in all honesty, i think you did the right thing asking him to leave, you wasn't comfortable, so clearly the relationship was not going to be - so time to go. You have done nothing wrong.

However, i do agree with the posters who have said that you need to get over the abusive relationship before you start dating again. Not all men are abusive and trying to get you into bed. Some men, on being asked up for coffee would assume that some sort of hanky panky might MIGHT take place. Some, not all, and even the some that do, it doesn't make them bad if they mis-read the queues, so long as they don't push it. Maybe this guy was just bad at reading the situation, maybe he was a bit socially inadequate and didn't handle the situation well, maybe when it came to it, you thought, ewww, no, im not wanting this, and asked him to leave, he left - he didn't push it any further. He is not the guy for you, and you are certainly not ready for this sort of relationship yet, but i don't think he was one of the bad guys. Please don't be scared.

Thing is, the way i see it, if you didn't want to get it on, by that stage - he wasn't the one for you anyway - i know that sounds trite but sexual attraction is a pretty strong thing, i wanted to jump DPs bones the first time we met and probably would have if i wasn't on my period Blush So if I had offered him in for coffee, then it absolutely would have meant more, because i felt a very strong sexual attraction. The fact that you didn't want any of that tells me that actually, you weren't that into him? I could be way off on tht one and judging by my own standards but if there is no attraction then why bother?