Disastrous date feeling a bit frightened

[Dearjackie]

I went on a second date with someone tonight. We got along so well on both dates I felt at ease with him. I asked if he wanted to come in for a drink when we got to mine making clear it was just for drink

God I feel quite freaked out at the moment and I don't know if I've over- reacted but I didn't feel very safe so had to tell him to leave. He looked quite shocked and said are you serious like he couldn't believe he'd upset me. What is wrong with me can't I trust anyone?

[CressidaMontgomery]

He didn't actually 'do' anything. Just sounds like a bit of a socially inept guy that everyone is now painting as a sex offender.

[Monty27]

CRB doesn't check for gaslighter, freak, creep, arrogant idiot, full of self importance............

Get a night's sleep make sure doors are locked etc. Have you got dc's there, neighbours you can rely on? Not that i think he'll be back, I think he knows where he stands, the twat. There's millions of them out there, he's probably texting someone else as we speak.

[Dearjackie]

I don't really suffer anxiety normally. But he's freaked me out, he was odd, weird. I asked him to leave because I was scared it may escalate to a sex attack. Although he was gentle its like I was being gently pressurised and I didn't know where it would go

[Dearjackie]

I don't know he treated me very well before this tonight. He wasn't arrogant. Or full of himself at all, quite the opposite seemed very unsure of himself. I'm not making excuses though because something was definately odd then

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

Jackie stay calm. you are safe. in your own house.
You are probably just suffering the after effect jitters of the flight or fight adrenaline rush. it will pass.

You did the right thing not to do something you were uncomfortable with. and you do not have to see him again..you for not have to feel guilty for asking him to leave.

You have been through a lot lately. you just need to give yourself some time. ((hugs))
Seconding the suggestion that you watch something funny then try to get some sleep.

[Dearjackie]

Yes and if he was bothered really he would have at least txt to see if I was ok. It was horrible

[lagertops]

Wow, people are judging harshly on this thread and throwing accusations and nasty words around when they don't even know this man.

He could have been really nervous or lacking in social skills and maybe was face-palming on the way out, feeling really embarrassed. We've all been there and said silly shit/ made faux pas, doesnt make you a 'sex offender,' or a 'serial rapist!'

I do however agree that you did well to ask him to leave when you personally felt uncomfortable, it is better to be safe than sorry. You'll feel better in the morning im sure.

[wordyBird]

You don't need someone who is odd, weird, or freaks you out, in your home. No matter what the reason might be.

You did the right thing. You had confidence in your instincts, and did not try to rationalise them away. Good for you.

You might feel shaky for quite a while, so just do what you can to steady yourself, as it will pass eventually.

You did fine.

[Dearjackie]

He did look quite shocked when I asked him to go and was shocked I felt uncomfortable. He said " are you serious" and said sorry

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

lagertops i think you may have taken those terms out of context.
but the point is not what he is or is not.the point is that if Jackie felt uncomfortable then she did right to extricate herself from the situation.

[Dearjackie]

mink you know the problems I have had lately. I'm thinking maybe I'm ultra suspicious and distrusting of everyone because of those issues. He only had to mention falling for me and I thought " yeh right you'd say anything for a leg over" basically I think everyone's out to use me like the Ex did

[RubyrooUK]

I think AnyFucker puts it perfectly.

Chances are he is probably just someone getting it wrong/a bit odd/awkward/over-keen but the important thing is that you weren't at all comfortable so you asked him to leave. Now he has gone and you are unlikely to be unsafe (or he wouldn't have gone so easily and with such surprise). So you did the right thing and now try to have a good night sleep.

[Whatnext074]

'My Tattoo Addiction' is on 4Seven

Hope you feel a bit calmer now.

[Shapechanger]

Don't blame yourself. Even if you are wary because of past experiences that doesn't mean you were wrong about this guy. What he said to you was very odd. You've said yourself you were worried it might escalate to a sex attack.

Don't start telling yourself now this is your problem; it isn't.

We are all animals and like animals we have instincts about danger. You did the right thing; but don't dwell on it now. He is gone now.

[Patosshades]

It's perfectly okay to feel off about someone. It's perfectly okay to ask someone to leave your home because you want them to.

[Dearjackie]

I know it does seem a shame as we got on really well befor that I thought

[spatchcock]

Agree with everyone else. Even if he was the perfect gentleman if your instincts told you to get rid then you listen. You sound very sensible to me.

Hope you get some rest tonight.

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

Jackie it is ok. yes what happened before does colour what comes after. Probably less dramatically as time passes. but in rs i think it is no bad thing to err on the side of caution rather than let your guard down out of not wanting to cause offense/embarrassment.

For me dating has been a learning experience and a journey more than a means to an end. i have been finding out where the boundaries have to be and what the triggers are.

It takes time. A lot of what you are feeling is probAbly amplified by what has already gone before. just register it, observe it and let it go.

And yes you and he got on but the situation made you uncomfortable. there will be other people you get on with too who feel right and when you are ready.

[Shapechanger]

Yeah, you got on really well before you thought he might be a sex attacker and felt scared shitless in your own home.

Stop post-rationalising this and telling yourself it was some kind of problem with you. This wasn't right for you, not at all.

There are other men out there who you will feel comfortable with. Who you might fancy so much you want to shag them on the first date, and who wouldn't tell you that they'd judge you if you did, dissing an ex in the process.

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

and Jackie go easy on yourself.

[Dearjackie]

Well at least have managed to get myself upstairs and into bed.
It's so surreal there was definately something amiss this evening and I'm glad I asked him to leave.

[wordyBird]

Hope you sleep DearJackie.

[ravenAK]

Your spidey senses have looked after you tonight, I reckon.

Mixed messages re: whether he wants to sleep with you or not + dissing of ex + overplayed shock at being asked to leave = bloke with very little social intelligence, at the most charitable interpretation.

Any idiot knows that being invited in is a gesture of trust, & he should behave like a perfect gentleman unless & until you make an unequivocal pass at him.

He came across as creepy & inappropriate. If he's just inept, this is a) a good wake up call for him & b) not your problem.

I wouldn't be scared, though. Put the knife back in the block & watch some crap telly!

[LessMissAbs]

Well done on getting rid of him and listening to your instincts.

The "are you frightened" question is a well known tactic of con artists and the like to try and make you distrust your own instincts, because weaker people are likely to say "of course not" and ignore the warning signs.

Its entirely inappropriate for a man to put himself in a situation where he has to repeatedly ask a woman if she is frightened by him, and then to make her so uncomfortable that she asks him to leave.

[Faux]

I thought he sounded creepy already but now I read "Are you frightened?" is a known tactic to put people off trusting their instincts, I am really really glad you asked him to leave when you did. Yikes!