Disastrous date feeling a bit frightened

[Dearjackie]

I went on a second date with someone tonight. We got along so well on both dates I felt at ease with him. I asked if he wanted to come in for a drink when we got to mine making clear it was just for drink

God I feel quite freaked out at the moment and I don't know if I've over- reacted but I didn't feel very safe so had to tell him to leave. He looked quite shocked and said are you serious like he couldn't believe he'd upset me. What is wrong with me can't I trust anyone?

[Dearjackie]

I think I might be losing my sense of reality on how a " decent" man should behave. He seemed so decent, a little shy, very nervous on first date and first date was fantastic. But as you all say I Sussed out that I wasn't happy and acted upon it. Are there any nice normal guys out there?

[Dearjackie]

He has emailed me saying he is so sorry if he upset me. Please could I text him today and if he said something to hurt me he's sorry please can I tell him what he did

[tippytap]

I think you should ignore him. You've seen him twice and owe him nothing.

If you start texting back now, he'll explain away and you'll doubt your very genuine reaction to him.

[AnyFucker]

Personally, I would reply once to say he made you feel uncomfortable by coming on too strong, that you have no wish to discuss it further, will ignore any further communication and will not see him again. The End.

[Dearjackie]

I'm worried about my view that everyone is out to manipulate/ use me.
Just to give a bit more background to last night, we had talked about previous partners/ spouses he didn't diss any of them said he's on rxcellent terms with ex wife and even to my suspicious nature it rang true I felt in my gut it was true. Told me about his kids. No problems or suspicions.

Since then he split in oct with someone he'd been with a few years and who he was going to ask to marry him in may! She told him shed found someone else. I asked if he still loved her and was over her he said yes. I said that's very quick if you wanted to marry her in may. ( mind you I split in aug and am over my ex)

That was alarm number one. Then I felt all the " I'm going to fall for you if we carry on seeing eachother" was to manipulate me to sleeping with him
I used to get that all the time from the ex.

Just to say I was the one who gave him a big hug and kiss first last night but all I wanted it to be!

[MorrisZapp]

Have things changed? In my day a guy on a date tried to get into your pants and if he didn't you were mildly put out. Not trying to minimise op's feelings, if you weren't happy you were absolutely right to ask him to leave.

But I suspect that AF is right. This guy needs to learn a few manners/ social skills for sure, but it's a bit much for strangers to imply he's a rapist because he fancied getting it on with op.

Just send a text saying that you didn't feel comfortable and you'd prefer not to see him again.

Then maybe leave off dating for a bit, it sounds like your breakup has left you very hurt and raw.

[Dearjackie]

What has happened to me that I think the very worst of people and don't trust them an inch. Am I so damaged? I didn't think so but I'm not so sure now.

I read the worst possible into everything . Even now with that email he's sent I'm thinking its only because he's scared I will tell people and his reputation will be rubbished. Or due to people at work finding out as I suppose that would possible for me to perhaps do. I can't believe it's because he's bothered he's upset me

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I agree with the PP... If you invite someone in after a date it sets up some expectations, even if you've said otherwise. He sounds like he was trying to persuade you to change your mind which IME is fairly normal when someone fancies you. You knocked him back, asked him to leave, he didn't make a scene about it and now he's apologising. I think he sounds a bit awkward but I'm not seeing anything malicious here.

[AnyFucker]

Are you getting any help with your anxiety, love ?

This all seems a bit too much after this bloke came on too strong. Blokes have been chancing their luck and some of them lacking social skills like forever

If you second guess everything and examine it to this degree it must be exhausting for you

you have been told repeatedly on this thread you did the right thing, you could do more nor no less

next step is ?

[MorrisZapp]

Yup. What cogito said.

[Hissy]

Listen!

You felt uncomfortable, for whatever reason, and you were able to deal with it; asking him to leave.

A huge amount of people wouldn't have been able to do that!

Now you're doubting yourself.
Don't!

He spooked you, and it sounds as if you were given reason to be.

Take a bit of time out, look at yourself, how strong you are, and how your instincts are there for you.

[Hissy]

I don't think this is an anxiety issue, it's clear there's a need to develop self confidence, but this guy - only in the op - has TWICE said things and then denied it.

[Dearjackie]

I had told him I found it hard to trust and believe people at the moment due to Ex. I asked him if he was the same given what happened to him and he said no he knows he's probably silly but he throws himself into relationships and gives them his all then gets hurt. Even then I thought he was manipulating me! I think I need some counselling

[Hissy]

I think you need more time to be OVER your ex tbh. To get to know yourself, and see that you ARE good enough.

Good enough for yourself is good enough for everyone else!

Please see how you're a lot better at negotiating relationships than you réalisé?

Was your ex abusive?

[MorrisZapp]

Do you have friends to chat over all this stuff with? Counselling sounds like a great idea, but offloading over a cuppa or a wine or two is v valuable too when it comes to relationships.

[Dearjackie]

It's not anxiety I was scared. I don't regret asking him to go and I'm not doubting that

I'm just looking at myself now because I do believe I may have issues with. Thinking the very worst of people because of the past. I am just working it through in my head by talking on here. Yes there was something I didn't like about the situation but I probably do think everyone's out to get me which isn't a good thing for me at the end of the day

[Dearjackie]

hissy I know I'm good enough I had confidence last night to do what I did. It's men I think aren't good enough hence thing badly of them all the time

Yes ex was abusive EA, bullying and manipulative

[ophiotaurus]

He sounds very odd. You did the right thing.

[piratecat]

i think he sounds immature and needy. like being with someone fixes everything. he is most certainly not over that ex op.
the fact he back tracked sounds at best a chancer/cavalier attitude. but all in all he sounds like a project you do not need.
you might well have trust issues but that's ok because you know how to think for yourself.

[fortyplus]

Dearjackie He is definitely a twat for dissing his ex for sleeping with him on a first date and you did the right thing asking him to leave. However, if you know that you have trust issues what on earth were you thinking of asking him home for a drink on a second date? I think most men would see that as a come-on. You say that you made it clear that it was just for a drink but I'm not surprised the conversation turned to sex.
I think you need to learn from this and just not put yourself in this situation in future. Stay on neutral ground until you are 100% comfortable with your dates.

[eve15555]

Wow this guy never stood a chance,you invited him back,even if it was just for a coffee and a chat and then had some kind of panic attack and now you are all trying to paint it as a sex attack waiting to happen,poor guy.Maybe you should give other guys a break and not date until you are over this weird mindset.

[HairyGrotter]

You did the right thing, whenever you feel uncomfortable you should always mention it and ask the person to leave, however, I think you're over thinking the event.

Speaking to friends, getting some counselling may help towards recognising and amending your thought patterns, having the view that everyone is out to get you or manipulate you is exhausting.

Take time out for yourself, it's still very soon after your break up.

[mummytime]

I would text/email to say it was too soon for you to date, and you don't want to see or hear from him again.

Then get yourself some counselling and do The Freedom Programme.

There is no need to rush into dating!

[Dearjackie]

Just had another email saying he's sorry again is off to work and will be worrying about it. And asking if he's lost me??.

[Lweji]

Absolutely the right thing!

In fact be more careful next time and don't invite virtual strangers in.