Disastrous date feeling a bit frightened

[Dearjackie]

I went on a second date with someone tonight. We got along so well on both dates I felt at ease with him. I asked if he wanted to come in for a drink when we got to mine making clear it was just for drink

God I feel quite freaked out at the moment and I don't know if I've over- reacted but I didn't feel very safe so had to tell him to leave. He looked quite shocked and said are you serious like he couldn't believe he'd upset me. What is wrong with me can't I trust anyone?

[MissGarth]

Have been lurking on this thread.
I think that
a) he sounded creepy last night saying one thing and then denying it
b) you were absolutely right to get him out of the house
c) just because you feel you may have trust issues doesn't mean he wasn't dodgy and
d) that email this morning is completely bloody weird.....lost you?
Reading that made me go cold....

What are you going to do now? I would suggest ending this table tennis match sooner rather than later.
I would send one text saying 'thanks for the dates, but you aren't the right one for me, best wishes for the future, no need to contact me again' and then ignore anything else that comes...better still delete before reading.

You have been on 2 dates, you owe this man nothing

[piratecat]

i would want some explanation of the comments he made. ask him

[Lweji]

Because of previous relationships your boundaries may be higher than most people, but your twat radar is also probably more attuned.

If that makes you get rid of bad catches sooner, all the better.

As others said, you want someone who makes you feel safe and comfortable.
Distrusting our instincts is what often got us into bad relationships.

His shock and his apologies mean nothing.

If you were that damaged you'd never had gone for the second date or invited him over.

[Dearjackie]

eve he did stand a chance but made me feel increasingly uncomfortable. I said clearly to him that I wasn't going to have sex as it was too soon and I didn't know him well enough. Then he tried saying well lets just go up and have a cuddle. Then it went to he was going to fall for me, then to " are you frightened?" That was enough to freak me out I'm afraid

[Dearjackie]

Actually uncomfortable is an understatement, I felt increasingly alarmed!

I am just mulling over what to reply to him now

[mummytime]

He does sound creepy BTW.

[Yamyoid]

I think he sounds manipulative and from what I've gathered from this thread, like your ex. I hate that spiel, oh I don't want to lose you blah blah, sounds like he's putting emotional pressure on you already.
Personally I'd avoid him and if you really need to reply to his email, just be truthful but brief. Don't let him persuade you.
Please stop doubting yourself, someone shouldn't be putting that kind of pressure on you after only 2 dates.
Hope you're feeling less freaked out this morning.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I've read three posts on this thread stating that "everybody" is painting the guy as a sex attacker. But I haven't read any actually doing so.

However, I'm 100% behind everyone who said you were probably right to be uncomfortable (he sounds more like someone who would mindgame you into bed than a potential attacker, but why should you be happy about that?) and 100% a bit behind everyone who says you have an absolute right not to let the guy continue to be in your house when you weren't comfortable. Here he was on your turf being shifty, like one of those dodgy salesmen on the doorstep. A dodgy salesman isn't going to knock you over the head and steal your purse almost certainly but you are still best advised to get him off your doorstep as quickly as possible.

[Dearjackie]

annie I think your right about the mind game bit. At times during that last night I felt my mind was being fucked with. And it rang alarms because I felt like I did in the Ea relationship with ex. I swore I would never tolerate that again

[lizzzyyliveson]

If you do contact him again, only discuss what happened in general terms. If this was a genuine mistake on his part he will learn to be more thoughtful of your feelings. If he is really a dodgy character he will be looking to find out what tipped you off so he can avoid saying the same thing the next time he tries to pressure someone into bed.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'lost you'... I'd take to mean that he thinks you don't want to see him again. I'm not seeing 'sinister' here although I quite understand why you're feeling rattled. He's keen but he's got no idea how to make a woman feel comfortable.

[Dearjackie]

He said he didn't want a casual fling he wanted a relationship. I saw manipulation to get me into bed. Either could be true bearing in mind my mindset regarding men

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Is this the same guy that lives 15 miles away and was thinking of moving town or have I got you mixed up with someone else?

[Lweji]

Personally, I'd drop now.

This was his true self before he saw your reaction.
He'll be on best behaviour from now on to win you over.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Well yes, either could be true; you just don't know him well enough to know. You have unreasonable expectations of your own judgement if you expect to understand someone well enough to trust them (or otherwise) after a couple of dates.

I'm totally with you on the red flags there, though. I'm guessing you reacted so very strongly because, as you say, it reminded you of your ex and triggered all your recent insecurity. This guy is probably not anywhere near as bad as your ex, but is "not as bad" the same thing as "good enough"? I don't think so.

[Vivacia]

If you invite someone in after a date it sets up some expectations, even if you've said otherwise.

Cogito I usually agree with a lot of what you say, but I think you are way over the line with this sentence. If you invite somebody in to your house for coffee you are setting up no expectation other than having a cup of coffee.

[NotDead]

it does sound a bit heavy bit then you have probably unsettled him quite a lot. I would just say that now is not the time for you. . If you don't want to see him. . or 'lets have a drink in a couple of weeks if you do.

I had a girl do this to me. . suddenly change how she felt. It was weird and I was sad as I really liked her... and still wish something had happened. I felt then as now that if I were a better man I would have gone back and said 'I really liked the idea of knowing you better can we start over with a nice date? ' .. though it might be that she only wanted sex and picked up that I liked her and night get hurt. . who knows!

[Vivacia]

OP I think you did absolutely the right thing last night. From what you've written I don't think you put a foot wrong.

[LividofLondon]

Jackie, you did absolutely the right thing to get him to leave if you felt uncomfortable. But I think perhaps your reaction is probably down to your history rather than him being a potential sex offender. His "shifty" look could've been nerves, his dodgy comments could've been because he's socially a bit awkward, his wanting to stay the night was enthusiasm. I've met many socially awkward, shy men who have made right clangers, but getting to know them further has shown them to be perfectly normal human beings. But I still maintain, than whatever the reason for you feeling ill at ease, you did the right thing to boot him out. Not sure it's a good idea to date anyone else until you've healed from your ex though.

[NotDead]

and I agree it might set up expectations...hopes perhaps...without the 'its just a drink' ...but that statement alone sets up a condition of staying sober/awake enough to leave and say 'ok I better leave'.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

@Vivacia... I'm not way over the line at all, I'm living in the real world. 'Come up for coffee' (or similar) is a very loaded situation. It sets up expectations and that, in turn, will make someone think they might have a chance if they turn on the charm. It emphatically doesn't mean that anything should happen against someone's will.

[Ragwort]

I think you are spending far too much time and energy analysing all this (no doubt he would be thrilled to know how much you are thinking about him) - just send a quick text saying that you no longer want to see him and block his number.

And remember, having a CRB only means that you haven't got a record for anything untoward - someone I knew quite well, with an enhanced CRB, ended up serving 9 years in prison for horrendous sexual crimes (not saying that this bloke is a sexual predator, but just don't assume that having a CRB means someone is 'OK').

[AthelstaneTheUnready]

Jackie, I think the thing that would have made me MOST uneasy and desperate to get the man out of the house is that 'cuddle' thing.

You say you're not ready, he says let's go up to bed anyway. And cuddle. And to me that just reads as 'yeah, yeah, you've said no but I reckon if I can just trick you into bed with the offer of affection, I'll get to have sex'. Otherwise, you could have cuddled on the sofa.

That makes my skin crawl - not just ignoring your view, not just trying to override it, but trying to dress it up as cuddles and affection. Bloody well done you for reasserting yourself!

[Vivacia]

This makes me angry because the logical conclusion of "setting up expectations" is "It's my fault, I asked for this, I better put up with his boring conversation, his creepy, threatening comments, his hand on my thigh, his hand down my top, him raping me... all because I asked for it and didn't feel I could ask him to leave".

I'm stepping away from the computer for a bit now because this kind of apologist attitude, "you're not living in the real world" fucks me right off.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

And you have problems if you think 'setting up expectations' equates to an apology for rape. I'm insulted.