I feel so bad about missing my sister's wedding

[dinny]

Basically, she is getting married in Sardinia in September and I just can't go as I am absolutely terrified of flying. It is also my dh's really hectic time at work so impossible for him to take any more than a day off, really. And it is also dd's first week in reception too. They were originally going to get married in London but changed location last month. I feel so awful that will miss it. Am I an awful sister? She is pretty upset with me.

ps she did suggest I come by land and sea but I'm not a confident traveller by self - it would take over 24 hours, plus I don't want to be that far away from kids, time-wise.

mymama, I think missing three days of your first week in reception does affect a child's school life. In this first week they make friends and get settled etc.

just saw your update dinny - I'm glad you've got things sorted out with sister and that she accepts your decision, but that she's rushing into a bad marriage

gosh I missed both my brother's weddings - got married november and wasn't able to get time off work nor was I able to afford to fly back to Aus for both weddings - two years apart. SIL missed my wedding ( was in Aus) but she had pretty bad morning sickness and did not feel like flying down for the weekend. I was as we are really good friends but understood perfectly that was the best for her.

My dh's whole family missed our wedding - very short engagement and we really did not tell anyone in the UK that we were flying off to Aus to get married. We did tell his family and we had a wonderful family meal out together before we got married. They were a little disappointed they were not there but we understood and they understood.

And there is no resentment on either side for missed weddings etc. We are all still as close as we always were - just accepted that life doesn't always let us have whatever we want.

To me your primary obligation is your new family - dh and children not your family of origin.

BTW I don't think not going to a close family member's wedding is such a big thing and certainly shouldn't hamper any future relationships. No family came to my wedding. DH and I chose to marry abroad on safari in kenya, on our own, despite us both coming from big close families. I hated the whole idea of being in full centre of attention talking and saying vows, etc. I wanted to concentrate on the wedding and not feeling nervous. We got married our way and it was lovely and romantic. We then had a really big catholic church blessing and a party recption for the family and friends on return - great compromise.

Didn't see BIL's wedding either. He and SIL got married in Australia, before they returned here to live. Was sorted out quite quickly and there was no way BIL's side of family could have made it. Wasn't a problem at all.

geekgrrl my dd must be in trouble then - she missed the first 6 months!! We moved towns half way through the year. She is now in 3rd grade and is probably one of the most popular girls in her class and is also above average with her grades. I really do not think 3 days would make a life changing difference. dinny the decision is all yours. I posted because you seem to be upeset that you may miss the wedding. If you are okay with your decision that is all that matters.

Two years ago my SIL got married in Kenya. DP and I could not afford to go and also DD would just have been 2 at the time. We explained our problems to her and she understood and said that she would not have expected us to expose dd to all the jabs that were necessary anyway, just as long as we attended the party they were having when they got back.

Will your sister be having a reception party for friends and family when they get back? That way everyone that could not make the wedding can still celebrate their special day with them.

Given the nature of your sister's relationship with her dp, has she given any thought to problems which might arise as a result of marrying abroad when the inevitable divorce looms?

Also, it doesn't really matter when your dd starts in reception (children change friends more often than they change their underwear at this age), but it does matter that mum is there when she does start. For both mum and child. Sending all 3 DSs into school for the first time was a huge milestone and I would have been mortified to have missed it for any of them.

Perhaps you should get your sister to read some of the threads on here posted by women who are trying to get out of unhappy marriages and she might then revise her view that she'd rather be in an unhappy marriage with him than not married.

Hi, I am feeling better (?) about not going now really - this thread has really helped me think things through, so thanks for posting everyone x