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Original poster

I feel so bad about missing my sister's wedding

159 replies

dinny · 27/06/2006 14:16

Basically, she is getting married in Sardinia in September and I just can't go as I am absolutely terrified of flying. It is also my dh's really hectic time at work so impossible for him to take any more than a day off, really. And it is also dd's first week in reception too. They were originally going to get married in London but changed location last month. I feel so awful that will miss it. Am I an awful sister? She is pretty upset with me.

ps she did suggest I come by land and sea but I'm not a confident traveller by self - it would take over 24 hours, plus I don't want to be that far away from kids, time-wise.

OP posts:
Original poster
dinny · 27/06/2006 14:49

Dublindee, I do spend my life on ferries to see my family instead of getting plane/helicopter! you can't rationalise a phobia, I don't think.

she's getting married in Sardinia as her and her dp had their first hol there.

OP posts:
dublindee · 27/06/2006 14:51

It's a bit more than being a bit afraid but I've managed to control it over the past 2 years as I don't want to pass on my phobias to my children. I'll let them get their own ta v much

Honestly though dinny, I do breathing exercises to relax just before take off and landing and I find these really help.

dublindee · 27/06/2006 14:52

also not flying Ryanair helps with the confidence as well

Original poster
dinny · 27/06/2006 14:52

hey, gotta dash now but thanks all for posting - any more views welcomed. d x

OP posts:
Pruni · 27/06/2006 14:55

Message withdrawn

acnebride · 27/06/2006 14:58

hi dinny; my view is that it is entirely up to you whether you go or not, but clearly you feel unhappy missing it, so it might be worth trying one of the flying phobia courses that various people do, or trying one of these books if you haven't tried them already. Then if you still can't bring yourself to go, that's that.

also talk to your GP. in the past i've been prescribed a dose of Valium for a flight (can't say it worked btw!) i've now given up flying for environmental reasons . If your sister is really giving you grief (should be ashamed of herself but perhaps it was pressure from her partner that made her move the wedding and she is feeling upset about it and taking it out on you) then you could suggest hosting a party for her in the UK maybe?

acnebride · 27/06/2006 14:58

ooops forgot link flying phobia info but bet you've seen all these

acnebride · 27/06/2006 14:59

oh another btw - i found i felt MUCH less scared in business class

Blu · 27/06/2006 15:01

Dinny - I think that it is really important that you support your dd in her first week of reception.

Yes, family weddings might well be up there in the list of important committments, but if you are planning a wedding abroad, away from your family, without consultation, you can't just expect everybody to run at your command.

I think people develop a tremendous sense of self-importance over thier wedding plans - it ISN'T a license to commandeer other people's lives!

Pruni · 27/06/2006 15:02

Message withdrawn

Blu · 27/06/2006 15:03

It's not as if her DH-to-be is Sardinian, or anything!
Dinny, if I were you I would be quite cross with my sister.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/06/2006 15:05

Ack, dinny, you have my sympathies. My sister was planning to get married at the end of September (DS1 starts reception start of September), in Canada. Ok, Canada is where she lives, and where I used to live, I can't fault her for getting married there. But I can complain about the time.

I made clear I didn't think I could make it (school, jet lag, not wanting to go across the ocean 7 times/year etc), and then it was really tearing me up, bothering me. Then, finally, for other reasons, they're postponing it. I've given her the school holiday dates, and hopefully the new date will fit with those.

You are under no obligation to go. If it is absolutely crucial that you be there, then she should be consulting you re: time and place. Holding it somewhere you went for your first holiday, and then expecting everyone else to come over (and pay their own way?) is a bit random and crap in my opinion.

Original poster
dinny · 27/06/2006 17:38

just wish she could accept that I can't go and that I wish her well, but she has accused me of not caring about her etc.

she has offered to pay my travel/accommodation etc.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 27/06/2006 17:45

But she already knew you were nervous about flying, right?

Can you suggest changes that would make it all feasible for you to come? (e.g. having it in late august, so the whole family can come, no problem. Or having it somewhere else?) Or is it all cast in stone now?

My sister just got a bit quiet when I said I thought I might not be able to make it. I took it to mean she hadn't realised it might be a problem, which made me a bit angry, but she didn't get annoyed at me, at least ... I did say I was very glad she was changing plans ... I hope you have as good a resolution ...

stitch · 27/06/2006 17:52

havent read the whole of this thread, but, she is your sister, and she will honly get married once, (hopefull). once youve missed it, youve missed it.
fear of flying isnt enough of a reason not to not go. land and sea is perfectly feasible.
child starting in reception isnt a valid reason. perhaps had she been sitting an A-level it would be acceptable, but not reception.
your husband is not her borther or sister, so if he misses it, it doesnt really matter.

my sis had to study for third year medicine exams that were resits in the run up to my wedding. if she failed them, she would have been kicked out of medical school, i would never have forgiven her if she didnt participate fully in every part of my wedding. she did, and passed her exams. everything can be done if you want to do it.
she also missed important stuff with her consultant to be with me during labour.
sisterhood is a very very special relationship. dont jeopardise it.

stitch · 27/06/2006 17:54

dinny, you are putting your needs before your sisters wedding. she is going out of her way to help you be there on her big day. if my sister did this... well she wouldnt, because she would know how important it was to me.
she is your SISTER.

foxinsocks · 27/06/2006 17:57

dinny, don't torture yourself with guilt

if she had really wanted you there, she would have kept it in London - she's probably over stressed with wedding organisation.

Remember to send a message to be read out and go out for dinner with them when they get back.

She's probably lashing out a bit at you because she feels bad that she's changed the plan and now you can't come.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/06/2006 17:58

stitch, I think you are working from your relationship with your sister. I doubt dinny's relationship with her sister is exactly the same. Lots of people said similar to me, when I was debating not going to my sister's wedding, and I found it quite annoying, frankly.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/06/2006 17:58

(I found it particularly annoying as DH was doing the same thing, saying over and over that I must go.)

fairyjay · 27/06/2006 17:59

And dinny's dd is her daughter - and equally (more?!!) important. Her first week at school is critical, and anything that might unsettle her should be avoided.

spidermama · 27/06/2006 18:00

Dinny this is tough for you. I think you should go to the wedding though. It's the kind of thing she'll never forget and neither will you. School just rolls on and on. It's not such a big deal though I know it seems it at the time.

A wedding is a once in a lifetime (hopefully!). I still remember some really close friends who missed my wedding because they couldn't get out of work. I was so upset and she maintains she was too. We still mention it 16 years on. She's not in the photos. I would hate not to be in the family photos of my own sister's wedding.

LotosEater · 27/06/2006 18:01

agree with geekgirl, bozza, blu et al

completely disagree with stitch

FioFio · 27/06/2006 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
dinny · 27/06/2006 18:04

that's what I keep thinking of, Stitch, that once I haven't gone it can't be undone, iyswim.

wonder if I could get knocked out with Valium if travel alone...prob not.

OP posts:
stitch · 27/06/2006 18:04

WELL Said spidey
first week of receptions isnt a big deal unless you make it a big deal.
if you font value your own relationship with your sister, then no one else will.
and wedding s only happen once in a lifetime.
dinny has asked for advice as she is iobviously not sure about what to do. she doesnt have to take the advice, or even like it.