Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so bad about missing my sister's wedding

159 replies

dinny · 27/06/2006 14:16

Basically, she is getting married in Sardinia in September and I just can't go as I am absolutely terrified of flying. It is also my dh's really hectic time at work so impossible for him to take any more than a day off, really. And it is also dd's first week in reception too. They were originally going to get married in London but changed location last month. I feel so awful that will miss it. Am I an awful sister? She is pretty upset with me.

ps she did suggest I come by land and sea but I'm not a confident traveller by self - it would take over 24 hours, plus I don't want to be that far away from kids, time-wise.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 29/06/2006 09:09

Dinny, what has your sister actually said to you?

You say she's pretty upset with you, but can she not see that she's being TOTALLY unreasonable?

Bozza · 29/06/2006 09:13

Hunker Dinny's sister has obviously got wedding blinkers on...

Kathy1972 · 29/06/2006 09:23

wedding blinkers - white silk ones decorated with pearls, cost a fortune.

Bozza · 29/06/2006 09:23

sure there is a business opportunity for someone there.

stitch · 29/06/2006 09:28

dinny, from what you have said about your sis and her husband to be, it seems to me that this isnt about the wedding really. its about the big relationship between you , her family and her.

personally i would never imagine being able to get married without my father being present. or my mother. but without my father, it just wouldnt feel legal to me.

someone needs to have a serious talk with this girl about why she wants to commit the rest of her life to such a man.

kando · 29/06/2006 09:38

Sorry to sound harsh, but if your sister has decided to get married abroad, she can't expect everyone to attend the wedding - family or not, it's just not always practical or possible, especially given that she's only decided to change the venue in the past month or so. I know it's tough though - I had to miss my sister's wedding abroad due to pg complications and was devastated as we were planning to go. But I don't have a phobia about flying either though.

slug · 29/06/2006 11:28

You know what? It's not the wedding that matters, it's the marriage.

My mum didn't come to mine and my dad did. I expected neither of them as a) they live in NZ and we got married in the UK and b) my dad was not that well. Did my mum's absence affected my marriage? Hell no. It would have been nice to have her in the photos, but them's the breaks.

Your sister is being a tad unreasonable IMHO.

essbee · 29/06/2006 12:12

Message withdrawn

Original poster
dinny · 29/06/2006 19:10

have been speaking to her today and it is basically him that has decided he wants it in Sardinia and she hasn't the strenght to stand up for what she wants. SO sad for her, wish she'd call it off but she won't. Have been trying for five years to get her to leave him

Anyway, we are getting on better and think she accepts I am not coming.

OP posts:
marthamoo · 29/06/2006 19:13

I'm glad you've resolved things a bit with your sister. She's mad to marry him though

KathyMCMLXXII · 29/06/2006 19:14

You can send her something lovely to the hotel, Dinny, to show you're thinking of her and still care.

stitch · 29/06/2006 20:38

thats good to hear dinny. now please dont feel guilty about it.
if this is the state at the beginning of the marriage, she is going to need lots of love and support during itt

Original poster
dinny · 29/06/2006 20:39

Yes, exactly. She once said to me she'd rather be married unhappily to him than not at all ]

OP posts:
hulababy · 29/06/2006 20:46

Glad she has accepted you can't make it. Without the other things and the phobia, I wouldn't want to be away for DD's first week of reception.

A phobia is nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. Your sister presumably knew about that, as well as knowing your DD was starting school, when she made her wedding changes - so she has to accept that there would be problems with you attending. That was her choice.

hunkermunker · 29/06/2006 22:46

Oh, Dinny

What a sad way to start a marriage.

Original poster
dinny · 29/06/2006 22:59

Yes, awful, isn't it?

On a happier note, yes, will be here next week. So will PH too - her first shift back!

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 29/06/2006 23:06

Had to think who you meant then! I know now though - lovely!

Will either bring both boys and DH or just DS2 in the sling. Looking forward to seeing you!

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 29/06/2006 23:20

only just seen this thread - glad you've had an ok conversation with your sister. it all sounds very sad to me. seems like it's not so much her being unreasonable but him. Weddings (by which I mean the associated shindig, not the vows) are, imho, not about the couple; they're about extending hospitality to your loved ones and inviting them to celebrate with you; it's throwing a party for your guests, and about anchoring your marriage in a community of family and friends. I think getting married abroad for reasons like you went on holiday there once and it was really nice is fundamentally incompatible with what i would say a wedding party is meant to be about. In other words you have no reason to feel guilty Dinny. and are MI and Blu really going to the pub?

Original poster
dinny · 29/06/2006 23:22

oh, thanks for that.

they'll probably have a barney before too long and it'll all be off. just really really worry about my dad going. doesn't help that I am working on a prog atm about flipping medical emergencies on planes

OP posts:
thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 29/06/2006 23:31

why don't you write to her? it does sound like she may well need you around. you could send her some flowers - not for the wedding, not when they get back, not for them, but just now, from you to her, with a note saying that you've thought long and hard but have decided you can't be there; that you're upset not be there but whilst you won;t be there for the wedding you'll always be around as friend and sister. there's a really nice bit in a lot of wedding ceremonies where the congregation are asked to support the couple through their marriage - maybe you could express that sentiment somehow?

Original poster
dinny · 29/06/2006 23:33

that's a lovely idea - think I will do something like that. am seeing her on a couple of weeks for hen do anyway... she is definitely not as upset at me any more.

OP posts:
Blu · 29/06/2006 23:47

Really pleased that the tension has dispersed, Dinny. I feel guilty for assuming that she had fallen prey to Bridezilladom- and sorry that in fact she has so very LITTLE control over her own wedding.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 29/06/2006 23:55

I'd love to. take it it's not a real pub then?

Blu · 29/06/2006 23:57

Not this time.
We have been to the pub tho'

mymama · 30/06/2006 07:24

Is there anyway you can try?? I think it is something you will regret missing later on. If you are flying day before and day after how many days would your dd miss? I am sure missing 3 days will not hinder her schooling - a great show and tell subject when she gets back esp if she gets to fly!!