I feel so bad about missing my sister's wedding

[dinny]

Basically, she is getting married in Sardinia in September and I just can't go as I am absolutely terrified of flying. It is also my dh's really hectic time at work so impossible for him to take any more than a day off, really. And it is also dd's first week in reception too. They were originally going to get married in London but changed location last month. I feel so awful that will miss it. Am I an awful sister? She is pretty upset with me.

ps she did suggest I come by land and sea but I'm not a confident traveller by self - it would take over 24 hours, plus I don't want to be that far away from kids, time-wise.

brothers are very differnt from sisters.

what, and get a last-minute.com flight and take loads of valium?

if it wasn't for the change of venue I'd planned to be there (with all the family), Fio, to support her even though thought she was doing the wrong thing. now I can't really get to the wedding, so it kind of does come down to fearof flying.

dinny, we all do what we have to do.
you need to decide how important your sister is to you. and then act accordingly. we can only advise according to ouuur own experiences and life situations.

its like being a mom. sometimes you just give them chicken nuggets and chips coz you dont have the mental or emotional energy to cook a lentil weaver tye meal. iyswim

Your sister has made it really difficult for you and other members of your family to attend her wedding...I would tell her it is a problem, and then she might find the guts to tell her H2B that it is not practical to have the wedding in Sardinia...and have a lovely wedding in London to which all her family can come with ease - or at all. Then she could go on her honeymoon to SArdinia.

These sisterly relationships presumably work both ways....if i decide to hold my wedding in the middle of Antarctica am I entitled to be miffed if half my guests say they can't come? I thnk not! Where does selfishness end and consideration for someone else begin?

Dinny - if you did go, where in your dd's run up to reception would it fall?

Why doesn't Dinny's siter have to work out how important Dinny and other members of her family are to her?

Just out of interest, is the rest of your family not furious with your sis for having the wedding somewhere where your grandparents and possibly dad can't get to it?
Surely family obligations work both ways?

This, combined with her partner being a bit horrid, makes me wonder if he maybe doesn't want her family there? How horrid is he? Regular garden-variety horrid? Or possibly-abusive horrid? Isolating your victim from their family and friends is SOP, from what I know.

I found my daughter's first week at school extremely stressful, not helped by the fact her father was away. Like others here, I think she needs you.

But then I'm not big on weddings in any case, or indeed on family stuff (I do as it happens have a sister and love her dearly, but neither of us has so far felt it necessary to make it to the altar) so a bit crap on this, I fear.

She can't play the family-loyalty card when she is the one subjecting family members to considerable expense and inconvenience.

She is putting her fiance first - fine but then don't whinge when family can't get there.

Have you tried Valium?

I would support my brother or sister regardless of whether I thought their partner was suitable or would stay the course.

You sister is on her own journey and it's your job to support her even if it means letting her make her own mistakes.

No-one can stand in judgement over wedding plans and these sorts of attitudes undermine people and make it more likely the marriage will fail.

I'm with stitch and fio all the way.

Dinny

Going one of these "Fear of Flying" courses is a lot better than shoving down a load of Valium pills which aren't going to help you at all. What if you need/want to fly again?

Not really surprised to see that you developed a fear of flying - these phobias can happen following a traumatic incident like the car crash.
Not an uncommon scenario at all.

Also both airfares to Sardinia and living costs there are not cheap especially in August.

Who was the primary instigator behind the change of venue?. Him I bet. If she wants to marry such a twat then that's her decision ultimately. She has made a conscious choice to marry him. You as her sis can only be there to pick up the pieces if and or when it goes to pot.

It's not about standing in judgement, Soidermama, but being reasonably pragmatic!

Dinny's sister changed one plan, that was achievable for everybody, into something that some close family relations cannot make at all because of serious health problems in addition to Dinny's own challenges. If a marriage stands or falls on the degree of extreme inconvenience the guests are supposed to endure, then it can't be a very strong marriage, can it?

I just can't imagine arranging an event to which I wanted my nearest and dearest to attend in a way that would make it almost insurmountable for them!

I've come back to this thread to repeat: the first week at school is big. Yes, I know it passes (well, so does labour, actually. And certainly weddings). It was really, really hard on my daughter; she needed me there, and all the more so because her father wasn't around that week.

I never get to go the pub anymore.

I agree with Blu. If someone made major changes like that to wedding plans a month before the wedding I very likely wouldn't be able to go, fear of flying or not, borther, sister or not. I couldn't organise the childcare etc.

Why on earth did she change the venue with such short notice.

Also agree with MI- I did have a big wedding, but it was only a wedding, I did not expect it to be the most important day in everyone else's life, it was simply a celebration of marriage, that's all.

Has no one else picked up on Dinny's earlier remark that she is still breastfeeding her young son. Am assuming therefore that he is still very young, and imagine that a long, cross-Europe journey by train and/or coach, plus a ferry and back again would be extremely stressful for both mum and baby, especially as she's be going on her own.

That's before you get on to the issue of her older child and new school.

dinny I really feel for you as I'm in a similar position. My best friend is getting married in the USA during the same week that 2 of my 3 children begin new schools. I have a fab DH who has no problems holding the fort whilst I go however I absolutely HATE flying.

I have reached a decision that I won't be going (haven't told her yet tho') and have used every excuse in the book to justify to myself why I can't go. When it comes down to it I just can't get on a plane. I have taken valium, diazepam, been outrageously drunk, etc to get me through various flights and have hated every second of being on a plane.

Those who have written here that your sister's wedding should come before anything really know nothing about how terrifying flying can be for some. Yes it's completely irrational but when you're genuinely shit scared of something rational doesn't come into it.

Only you can decide what is right for you. Good luck.