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Original poster

Don't want kids but wife does - is divorce the only solution?

312 replies

justthisguy31 · 29/09/2013 20:34

I'm a bloke, aged 31, married to a clever, beautiful, successful woman who loves me, but I'm starting to think we should get a divorce. She seems firmly set on having a baby, and the idea of parenthood scares me stupid. I know how much hard work it is, as the oldest of a big family, and I still have so many other things to do in my life that will be hard or impossible with a child.

We have had the argument, several times, and then talked about it for real, and finally agreed a compromise. If she still wants a baby when I turn 38 (she is 6 months younger btw), we'll do our best to have one. That gives me time to build a better career and save some money, and both of us some years together as a couple, to have fun before we have to live just for someone else.

Are we just kicking the can down the road though?

I wasted time in my 20s on bad ideas and dead end jobs, and it took me until last year to find a career that would fly. Now I'm doing something I really enjoy, that pays well (for entry level) and has great prospects, but I'm still on the bottom rung. My wife, on the other hand, already finished her PhD three years ago and started a very promising, but very intense academic career. Which is to say that if we had a baby now, the only option that would make financial sense is for me to chuck in my job and be a stay-at-home dad. Not exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I'm also biased by my own parents' financial problems. My mum gave up work when I was born, and while my dad has had a pretty good career overall, when I was 10 he hit a rough patch and got into debt. It took the rest of my childhood for them to get back on a stable footing, and they still don't have the comfortable lifestyle they did when I was young. I remember endless fights, totally futile because there's no way to argue bills or petrol prices down, and I can't shake the fear that we'd end up in the same sort of hole. Even worse, as the lower earner (and likely primary child-carer) I'd be in my mum's position. Trapped.

Then from my wife's point of view, 38 or 39 is old for a first child. If it turns out she can't have a normal pregnancy and a healthy kid at that age, it will be my fault for insisting on the wait. Maybe a pregnancy will work out fine, or maybe she'll change her mind about wanting a kid, but if it doesn't happen there won't be any way back. I don't want to risk trapping her.

So I'm starting to think I have to let her go now, while she still has time to find a guy who wants children ASAP. Still not sure though if it would be self-sacrifice, or just selfish. I am sure she'd miss me, and I'd miss her.

I've typed this up more to organise my thoughts than to start an argument, but if you see flaws in my thinking please say so. Tis a forum after all :-)

OP posts:
EachAndEveryHighway · 01/10/2013 13:46

Sorry, meant parents, ie. potential grandparents!!

ElizabethBathory · 01/10/2013 14:33

OK, it's taken a while for me to read through the whole thread, and agree with the majority - OP if you don't want children, and think you never will, stick to your guns and tell her outright. She can make her own decision then.

But...I found this: married to a clever, beautiful, successful woman who loves me a very odd/off thing to say. "whom I love" would be a more natural thing for a genuinely in-love husband to say, wouldn't it? I could be nitpicking and maybe you didn't mean it to come across like that, but you just don't sound that devastated by the prospect of divorcing your wife. Which suggests you need to look at your relationship rather than thinking so much about the children question.

PacificDogwood · 01/10/2013 16:44

FWIW, when I suggested counselling it was not to suggest that there was anything 'wrong' with the OP for not wanting kids. It seems however that his own childhood experiences arec ontinuing to inform and influence decisions he is now making which may affect the rest of his life.
I agree that NOTHING on this planet can fully prepare anybody for parenthood and I can also identify with those on this thread who have found it hard, frustrating and less than rewarding at times.

But I think there are things in the OP that warrant the suggestion of considering counselling/therapy of some kind or another.

YouHaveAGoodPoint · 01/10/2013 17:18

I agree with Pacific

I suggested counselling not because there is anything wrong with not wanting a child but as a way to help the OP and his wife address this problem in a structured environment and to help them communicate with one another. A councillor will help them organise their thoughts.

I also said that I would use a proper qualified councillor and not a 'life coach'.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 01/10/2013 20:55

Me three. My suggestion of counselling was to help a couple with very different views come to a solution together, not to counsel him in to having a child he didn't want.

Tillyscoutsmum · 01/10/2013 21:34

I was in your dw's situation. I was 30 and wanted children. My dh wanted to wait for "at least" 5 years for financial reasons. We weren't rich but we'd have managed. I wasn't willing to wait. He wasn't willing to change his mind. We divorced and, at the age of 38, I now have 2 children with my current husband.

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 01/10/2013 22:38

No decent counsellor would talk someone into doing something they didn't want to do, especially a huge thing like having a baby ffs. The op seems IMHO to have some unresolved stuff from his childhood, regardless of whether he wants children I would suggest that he (and anyone else who has had experiences that have negatively affected them) may benefit from counselling.

Xollob · 01/10/2013 23:29

'current husband' sounds like you're about to swap him out Tilly Grin

slightly different tone to this thread!

differentnameforthis · 02/10/2013 10:22

Believe me or not, but I'd rather be alone than in the state my parents got into

You know what, I don't think ANYONE plans to get into bad debt & have it affect a huge part of their kids childhood.

The reality is though, when your dw is 38, you could have your great jobs, your dream house, a great wage... Then shorty after you get the big fat positive you could lose your job, or she hers.

Or she could be infertile, or you could be, but you could spend years trying to find out why you haven't conceived, then years trying IVF. By this time, it will be even harder.

My friend can't conceive, she has tried IVF. Her & her dp remain childless & because of their age their options are limited (they are too old to adopt at 42, so they have been told)

Life is unpredictable. You really cannot plan it to the last because anything could happen. Stop being terrified of ending up like your parents & if you want your wife to stay & aren't adverse to children, have one when she feels comfortable.

My dh didn't want children, and I hung on hoping he would come around. He did, but I took a risk to stay with him. If he didn't shift his position, I would have left.

differentnameforthis · 02/10/2013 10:34

Not wanting kids is fine. Making her wait until she is 38 is not.

As already pointed out, he isn't MAKING her wait until she is 38. He asked her to wait, so far she has agreed.

lottieandmia · 02/10/2013 10:44

I agree with AnyFucker. If you don't want children then let her go. To string her along with a promise of maybe at 38, just maybe is incredibly selfish and bordering on abusive. 38 is not a good age to start trying for a first child from the point of fertility. The issue of children is a definite deal breaker in any relationship where the two people want different things and I have seen it happen to relatives of mine.

lottieandmia · 02/10/2013 10:45

'As already pointed out, he isn't MAKING her wait until she is 38. He asked her to wait, so far she has agreed.'

Why has he posted this thread then?

Thumbwitch · 02/10/2013 10:58

Even if he IS "making" her wait until she is 38, he's still not, because she has the choice to leave.

MorrisZapp · 02/10/2013 11:06

I don't understand what is meant by 'let her go'. Presumably the wife knows the score here so isn't it up to her if she stays or goes?

What, exactly, would be involved in letting her go? All the OP has to do is be completely honest about his feelings. And the rest is up to her. For some women, having kids is a deal breaker. And for others, it isn't.

magicturnip · 02/10/2013 11:27

Actually fertility only declines slightly in mid to late thirties, though does appear to decrease post 40. Still a risk to wait if you don't know how fertile you both are now.

TeenAndTween · 02/10/2013 11:55

differentnameforthis . Your friends need to contact a different LA or voluntary agency. At 42 you are not too old to adopt.

In fact I would go so far as to say that most people who adopt are likely to be older than 40.

I think the OPs wife would be making a mistake to wait until she is 38 to try to conceive. If it really is the money OP is concerned about he should sit down and do a budget, taking into account receiving child benefit WTC etc. If it isn't the money then he should be honest with his wife and with himself.

lottieandmia · 02/10/2013 12:05

I say 'let her go' because it seems to me the OP has agreed to waiting a few years before ttc, but actually he'll never want to be a parent really and said it to buy time - that's presumably why he's talking about 'kicking the can down the road'

The impression I get is that the OP's wife thinks he is serious about having a child in a few years. But in reality that does not appear to be the case.

MorrisZapp · 02/10/2013 12:15

But again, what is meant by letting her go? Presumably this means unilaterally ending the relationship, with the usual devastating consequences. The wife will then have the task of finding a willing new partner, which many women never do.

I think op needs to be completely honest with himself about what he really wants, and to share this with his wife.

Lilka · 02/10/2013 13:25

(assuming you're in the UK) differentnameforthis Who told your friends that? It was probably either someone whose information is years out of date (they were more picky 10+ years ago) or who isn't an adoptive parent at all. You need to tell your friends that they definitely NOT too old to adopt, no way. I know a couple aged 49 and 51 who adopted a child aged 1 earlier this year, in my LA. Agencies should not have any concerns age-wise about a couple aged under 45, and many will be very comfortable with allowing them to adopt a child of any age until they reach about 48-50. Once you get to near 50, they might say you can only adopt a child of a certain age, say 3/4+ but it's very dependent on the agency. At 42 I am confident their age will not be a hindrance to them.

lottieandmia · 02/10/2013 14:25

'But again, what is meant by letting her go?' Giving her the opportunity to leave by being honest and saying 'Look, I really don't ever want kids'.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 02/10/2013 14:39

I think your timescale is wrong given the massive issues of women's fertility through their 30s. Perhaps you could both learn more about the statistics and then you'd have a better grounding to base both your decisions on. Fertility (ease of getting pregnant) declines and the risk of miscarriage increases. My feeling based on mine and others experiences is you could perhaps wait about 3 years (I had my first at 34 after ttc for a year), enjoy your freedom and further build your careers, but I think her feelings about wanting a baby/family are only likely to grow in that time. Asking her to wait 7 years until you're both 38 is too long, given how she feels now, and the realities of the situation.
All the best to you both.

Whatnext074 · 02/10/2013 14:56

I think the OP is gone Hmm

CoffeeChocolateWine · 02/10/2013 20:06

Haven't read whole thread, but I'm absolutely astonished that two intelligent people, by the sound of it, were foolish enough to get married without having the "do you want a family" conversation. How long have you and your wife been together/been married?

My feeling is that this marriage is doomed. I don't think it is fair of you to ask her to wait 7 years until she's 38 to have a child. She will no doubt be watching all of her friends getting married and having children over the next few years (and probably now) and that's what she wants, but her husband is asking her to wait for another 7 years. That will be heartbreaking for her.

But if you do stay married, one of you will have to make the most enormous sacrifice. It is a big sacrifice for you, someone who doesn't want children to have a child, because they are hard work and you do have to put them first before yourself always. But it is an even bigger sacrifice to ask a woman who desperately wants a child to not have one. And if it were me I can't imagine there not being resentment there.

I honestly think that if you love her, you need to let her go and be happy with someone else.

Xollob · 02/10/2013 21:49

Coffee OP said they did have the conversation but his wife changed her mind.

WhiteandGreen · 02/10/2013 22:01

This is the sort of thing you are allowed to change your mind on though.