Don't want kids but wife does - is divorce the only solution?

[justthisguy31]

I'm a bloke, aged 31, married to a clever, beautiful, successful woman who loves me, but I'm starting to think we should get a divorce. She seems firmly set on having a baby, and the idea of parenthood scares me stupid. I know how much hard work it is, as the oldest of a big family, and I still have so many other things to do in my life that will be hard or impossible with a child.

We have had the argument, several times, and then talked about it for real, and finally agreed a compromise. If she still wants a baby when I turn 38 (she is 6 months younger btw), we'll do our best to have one. That gives me time to build a better career and save some money, and both of us some years together as a couple, to have fun before we have to live just for someone else.

Are we just kicking the can down the road though?

I wasted time in my 20s on bad ideas and dead end jobs, and it took me until last year to find a career that would fly. Now I'm doing something I really enjoy, that pays well (for entry level) and has great prospects, but I'm still on the bottom rung. My wife, on the other hand, already finished her PhD three years ago and started a very promising, but very intense academic career. Which is to say that if we had a baby now, the only option that would make financial sense is for me to chuck in my job and be a stay-at-home dad. Not exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I'm also biased by my own parents' financial problems. My mum gave up work when I was born, and while my dad has had a pretty good career overall, when I was 10 he hit a rough patch and got into debt. It took the rest of my childhood for them to get back on a stable footing, and they still don't have the comfortable lifestyle they did when I was young. I remember endless fights, totally futile because there's no way to argue bills or petrol prices down, and I can't shake the fear that we'd end up in the same sort of hole. Even worse, as the lower earner (and likely primary child-carer) I'd be in my mum's position. Trapped.

Then from my wife's point of view, 38 or 39 is old for a first child. If it turns out she can't have a normal pregnancy and a healthy kid at that age, it will be my fault for insisting on the wait. Maybe a pregnancy will work out fine, or maybe she'll change her mind about wanting a kid, but if it doesn't happen there won't be any way back. I don't want to risk trapping her.

So I'm starting to think I have to let her go now, while she still has time to find a guy who wants children ASAP. Still not sure though if it would be self-sacrifice, or just selfish. I am sure she'd miss me, and I'd miss her.

I've typed this up more to organise my thoughts than to start an argument, but if you see flaws in my thinking please say so. Tis a forum after all :-)

Oops apologies, it appeared not to send and after editing and re-sending I realise it did actually send the first time!

I've requested the first (unedited) copy to be removed so as to avoid clogging your page!

XH and I divorced for this very reason. I was 35. At 40 I had DD.

I am forever grateful that I chose to go my way.

Let her go, you shouldn't take away her chance of motherhood. You alone will never be enough anyway if she wants children......

In answer to the title of your original post, I would say 'yes'.

I would say that you should just be able to say, I don't want children and I'm not sure I ever will, and leave it to your wife to decide. However, in my experience, because she loves you, she will only hear the words 'not sure' and will still have hope. You have to kill that hope in her completely; assure her that you feel sure she will never be able to have kids with you and she needs to know that and to think very carefully about how she will be happy. The best way to kill the hope in her would be for you to have a vasectomy, but since in fact it is not impossible that in 15 years you might be interested in having a child, it sounds like you can't do that. I may say that it took me two years after my husband's vasectomy to leave him, my hope was that stupid deep.

I needed to reach the point where I was no longer angry at him for a perfectly rational opinion (not wanting children), and where I was no longer ashamed of myself for a perfectly rational opinion (wanting children). The moment I left him I couldn't understand why I had left it so long, but people do odd things sometimes.

I've no idea why the OP is getting a hard time on here. He has said he is happy to leave his wife free to meet someone else with whom she can have children if it's so important to her. That's all he can do. He hasn't led her up the garden path by pretending he wants a family of five when he actually never wants children. It sounds to me like neither of the parties here are to blame. They have fundamentally different life goals and the OP has realized that their temporary compromise is maybe not the answer they thought it was.

OP: I would probably look at divorcing your wife as it is the kindest thing to do. She can meet someone while she's young enough to have children and you can avoid having children when you're too young, in your view, to deal with it. Imagine in 7 years time (such a long time to see ahead too!) if you finally start trying for a baby and she can't get pregnant? She would be so bitter, it might break up your marriage anyway. Fertility issues and IVF can put even the best marriage under intense strain. Maybe you should both cut your losses and start working on achieving your life goals separately.

I'm a bloke, aged 31, married to a clever, beautiful, successful woman who loves me, but I'm starting to think we should get a divorce. She seems firmly set on having a baby, and the idea of parenthood scares me stupid. I know how much hard work it is, as the oldest of a big family, and I still have so many other things to do in my life that will be hard or impossible with a child.

Been in exactly this position, and decided divorce was the best bet all round.

I'm glad I did, as I still don't want to have children. Not even the faintest desire for them has ever crossed my mind, and it wouldn't have been fair on XW.

I think you should divorce just because it doesn't sound from the tone of your posts that you feel real love and warmth for her as a person. You describe her as a 'beautiful, intelligent, successful woman' who loves you - ie a bit of a trophy - but you make no real mention of your feelings for her and you don't sound too worried about splitting up with her either, you just say you would 'miss' her. Most people would be distraught at the idea of splitting up with someone they love.

Let her go and find a man who really loves her and who she can have children with. The plan to start trying for a baby at 38 is ridiculous from a fertility point of view and IVF should only be a last resort as it is emotionally, physically & financially draining and can put a huge strain on even the closest relationships, it's also very often unsuccessful. It's not a case of getting the money together and then having a baby to order.

If you respect your wife then either have a child or break up with her as soon as possible.

Not wanting kids is fine. Making her wait until she is 38 is not.

We got together when we were 27 and neither of us wanted kids. I changed my mind around 30/31 and we broke up over it for a while only for him to decide he did want a family but not yet. I then endured a miserable wait watching all my friend have children and was on the verge of moving on when he finally decided he was ready.

We started trying when I was 34. We've now been trying for almost 3 years and have undergone a hellish couple of years of lots of prodding and poking and three rounds of ivf. I'm 38 in a few months and starting to come to terms with the fact that it might never happen for us. I feel like I've spent my whole 30s waiting. I love my husband and am trying not to resentful but it's hard.

38 is extremely late to expect her to wait to try for your first baby! Your intending to limiting it to 1? Its rather cruel in fact as she may spend years watching her fertility fade and worried that she'll never have kids.

Your issue mainly seems to be money but really there are more important things in the world. I can see perfectly well how an amazing career might not be everything to your wife. After all, it is just a job! Something that can be gone in a moment next time there is a wave of redundancies or as a result of health issues. Its not permanent by any means and it can feel very empty and superficial if that's all you have in your life. And then you retire . . .

It sounds to me as though your main problem is not wanting to end up like your mum but that really doesn't have to be the case. Being the lowest earner doesn't mean you have to give up work. One of you could be part time or you could both work and use child care. Lot of people do it.

Even if you started trying now, by the time you've conceived and then had the baby your career might have progressed.

I think you should get counselling about your money issues as it sounds like its really affecting your life. Are you controlling with money? Stingy?

If you really don't want children you should let your wife go and find lovely man who does. But don't be surprised if once you get over your money panic you find yourself realising there is more to life than money and career.

Was a few pages behind so will go read the rest of the thread now. Sorry if it was out of context!

Ok read the rest now.

IVF?! You realise that its not a magic wand! That in a high percentage of cases it doesn't work at all. It also requires a very high level of commitment which i can't see you giving it, especially as you think that having a baby will ruin your life.

You really do sound as though you have massive issues with money. That can't be fun for you or for your wife having to live with you.

I agree that making her wait until she's 38 is a complete non-starter and would be actively cruel. Three things strike me about this issue:

1. If you're going to split, do it now not five years down the line so that she has time to get over it and meet someone else who shares her aspirations.

1. It needn't be your wife working all the hours god sends and you being the SAHP. Depending on the branch, academia can be very family-friendly in terms of flexible hours, workplace creches, going part-time and so on.

1. A couple of things you've said strike me as being not terribly well-informed. Three examples: saying you'll pay for IVF made it sound as if it was a failsafe backup. Well, having been through it, let me tell you it ain't. Not knowing anything about childcare. And not having sat down and really looked at the finances of it, taking into account any benefits you'd have coming in. I think it's OK not to want kids, but if you're trying to rationalise it your arguments do need to be more informed than they are at the moment.

DH earns 1k, I earn 1.3k. We knew we wanted dcs and I feel we earn enough. I went back to work because I (1) wanted to and (2) had to. So the option for her to be a SAHM might not be there but maybe that os something she doesnt mind!

You could SAH PT alongsode the job, or try and pick up.some.extra hours or a second PT job.

You should also take into consideration that while waiting until you are nearly 40 might mean you are more financially secure, it may also mean that your child or children have a higher risk of losing one of their parents young.

If i could choose as the child i would probably choose poor over bereaved.

Also, when we had our first child we were the same age you are now. I had lost my job unexpectedly and i had been the highest earner. So we got by on my dhs 23k - in London!

It wasn't too bad. We couldn't afford new clothes or fancy baby stuff but with each year my dh progressed in his career and brought home a bit more. I also earnt a few thousand doing this and that.

You seem to be looking at the starting wage as if that will be it, but it does increase if you work hard and make good career choices ie. Move on if there is no longer room for progression.

My dh now earns 50k and our children will both soon be at school so I'll be earning too. It gets better.

I dont think your compromise will work as your wife may be too old

It sounds like you really dont want DC but are hoping that given eight years to steel yourself to it you will change your mind. Which of course you may do.

I think your DW knows the score and can decide what she wants to do rather than you needing to instigate divorce.

I imagine this will be the elephant in your marriage though and loom ever larger as your peers start their families.

Op the idea of counselling is to give you both space to explore what you want: children together, no children together or to separate. Not to force either of you into what you don't want.

As for childcare, its easy for the pair of you between maternity and paternity leave to cover the first year. After that you are putting an active toddler into an environment where people come up with new activities daily. Ds loves going to nursery and they are much better at some things than I am like messy play

OP do you know how much you will be entitled to in tax credits etc? Or have you not even investigated.

I have some sympathy. If you really are on the equivilant of a 21 year old's wages than that is a dauting prospect to be raising a child from. I'm not a parent and often feel totally terrified and baffled at the prospect, I cannot understand who colleagues who earn the same as me make the sums stack up.

But my concern would be that you're making excuses and cannot simply say "I do not want a child". If you don't want a child there is no "compromise". As I hope you now understand, making your wife wait until 38 is extremely stupid and cruel. Especially as you may still turn around and deny her a child and then it really will be too late to start over.

The sad thing is like a lot of men I suspect you won't know how much you want children until you have one, or have lots of experience with your friends' kids. I wonder how much this is the real reason so many older men end relationships get dumped for messing people around and then end up with younger women - I think they often realise that they did actually want children and by then they have to go younger to make it feasible. In a way it's deeply tragic, society assumes they're chasing pert boobs but I think actually it's sadder than that.

The other thing is - how many would your wife want? I think it is likely that if she had a child, she may want to have a sibling too. Is that out of the question for you?

Somehow, I feel outgunned by the female advice already here. I suspect my views are too simple and off target, but here goes .....

A good friend told me in my late 20s "There is never a right time to have kids". You can take out of that what you want, but I read it as - have kids and don't worry about making their life perfect or waiting for perfect conditions. I can also see how it might be read as "don't have kids at all".

Thinking about that, perhaps tangential advice, I wonder if you:

a) really don't want kids; or

b) are hoping for perfect circumstances?

I think the answer to the above is really what you/we need to know.

My husband is the same found it really hard to convince him to have a baby, we now have two beautiful children. Some men find it really hard and try delay them or dont want at all. I think their is ways around what you fear some parents work and leave baby in childcare some babies are as young as 6 months and then she will get maternity pay for 30 weeks plus. You can both still work if thats what you want and will get help with child care costs some people getting as much as 80 percent plus paid. I dont agree with putting a six month in nursery but if you want to do that you can. If finance is the only reason for not wanting then i would put your mind at rest on that as she can still work and will be paid on maternity leave. Anyway good luck and would only really divorce if you really dont want and never want but if your not sure talk to her and sort it out. i think if you both love each other.despite her really wanting a baby she said she would wait 7 years for you shows the extent she will go to make you happy think it would really hurt her for you to turn around and say we are divorcing but you also have no right to deny her motherhood and i do agree she properly doesnt have 7 years left you need to decide either you want to take theleap or leave her

You can still both work

you are both entitled to maternity/paternity leave for a year.
Childcare doesn't damage children if you look for good childcare, it doesn't have to be a nursery if you really don't want it to be.
Do you both have family nearby?
Also - if your wife is earning a lot of money now she could start saving towards longer maternity leave.

I don't think you're in danger of being outgunned muswellhilldad. Whst you say seems perfectly sensible to me.

OP, wanting to wait until you have kids is fine (just not until the age of 38! I think 34 would be a fairer compromise). Not wanting kids at all is also fine. You really need to have a long, hard think about which it is in your case.

HRWT.

I too was terrified of having DC. In my head getting pregnant/having a baby would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. This was drummed into me as a teenager - unfortunately I still felt like that at 35! And it is so engrained in me, that even after having 2 wonderful babies I still have the echoes of my Mums negativity re babies in my mind.

All changed when I was in India and we met and Indian family. The father asked me where my children and husband were - I said I was single and childless. He looked so perplexed - he asked me "why are you waiting so long to start your life?". I scoffed inside. But his words stuck. And after I had DD1 I knew what he ment.

No everyone skips down the merry path into having a family. It's OK to be terrified. You will never have enough money. You are asking something dreadfully unfair of your wife to wait until she is 38. You will NOT have to stop working and be a SAHD unless that is something you really want to do.

My (recently) XP and I work FT in London - we have an amazing childminder and my 2 DC are very happy with 2 working parents. I think you need to have faith in the universe that it will all work out. That is what I had to do. When I fell PG with DD1 I spent weeks working on spreadhseets!!! When all I really needed to do was have faith it will all work out - and it does.

I can't believe I waited until I was 40/43 to have babies - that is my only 'regret'.