Partner has slept with a prostitute

[AmIACompleteMug]

Dp returned from a stag do tonight, and was behaving a teeny bit oddly from the moment he walked through the door. We have an absolute honesty policy, so I quizzed him straightaway, and he opened up. He said that at 4am Sunday morning, pissed as farts, they all found themselves in a brothel (they genuinely thought it was a lap-dancing bar, which I do believe), and two of them - dp included - paid a prostitute each for oral and full sex.

Dp has a bit of a track record for being a tart throughout our ten years together, but we've come through because - other than him being a great bloke when not thinking with his penis - I firmly believe(d) in trying to understand each other, empathise, look at the circumstances at the time of things going awry, and learning from mistakes. By and large, things have always got better and better. And I figure that if every couple were honest about all indiscretions, and if they all parted because of them, there would be very few couples. (I have also been unfaithful, in the first year of our relationship, and we worked through this too.)

But all this Miss Nice Guy stuff said, almost three years had passed since dp's last slip-up, and my trust and confidence in him had grown. Now, we're back to square one again, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being a bit of a mug to be staying in this relationship.

Dp is a fantastic dad to our toddler; a bright, thoughtful and sensitive man (when he's sober). We have a great life in a lovely community and a lot of time together as a family (though not enough as just a couple right now - not helping). It seems like a lot to give up over (another) pissed blip. But I do wonder if my self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem and other feel-good "self-" things, are going to steadily evaporate whilst continuing to stay with a bloke who I feel fairly sure will be unfaithful again - one day.

How important is fidelity anyway - especially when so many other boxes are ticked?

What do you all think? What would you do in this situation? Would I be being a complete mug to stay with dp?!

Thanks all. Am off to bed (with ds - not dp!) to reflect ...

You are very calm about this. I find it a bit odd tbh.

IMO there is no way I could continue in a relationship if dp had done this.

I think from your post you seem to have already decided to stay with him. You come across as very accepting of the situation and I think you're self respect, self worth, self esteem have already been worn away.

Its not for me to say leave him based upon one post and knowing nothing about you but , cliche that it is, you only get one shot at life and its up to you what you make of it.

Take care

Just a thought, has he used a condom? Do you believe him that he has? If you decide to stay I would want him down the STI clinic to make sure he's not bringing anything nasty home to you

late night grammar, your

you are strangely calm. You're not a mug to stay - when you have kids there's more than yourself to think about. you would be a mug if you let him think he can get away with this. unless you show some genuine hurt and anger he'll think he can. If it was me it would probably not be enough to let the family fall apart. but he'd so be on his last warning. and he would so know about it. he'd have to work bloody hard to regain my trust. and go to an std clinic. in fact I think i'd have to make him scrub it with bleach.

VVVQV - am pretty calm about this because dp and I have been discussing this for past three hours. Passed through lots of feelings tonight, and currently in calm window. Also, I've been here before - and I do really try to be calm, because flying off the handle isn't going to achieve anything.

If it reassures you, I do feel angry, disbelieving, betrayed, confused, untrusting, sad, anxious about the future, humiliated (three of stag do guys are friends, and they know what's gone on).

But I am intrigued by what you say. Maybe I'm not feeling as I should about this, or strongly enough - hence me sounding others out. Have I just become too reasonable/permissive over the years? Am wondering if I've become a bit used to this kind of thing. What's it reasonable to expect in a relationship? Half of marriages end in divorce, and plenty more continue with problems and unfaithfulness - so is this just life?

Grateful for any insights. AIACM x

Well, I think fidelity is hugely important - how would he feel in your situation? Just because he has told you the truth doesn't make it alright. I would be so angry and upset, I don't think I could forgive my dh for that, in fact I know I couldn't. I guess you have to decide how important fidelity is to you

why dont you ask him if its ok for you to reciprocate on a night out with the girls? do you think he would cope well with that?
I think you need to think about you and you are undoubtedly worth an awful lot more than this.
Did you have misgivings about him going?

just wanted to say i cant believe how calm you are either if my dp did that to me there would be another john wayne bobbit story on the news ! not only should you question your self respect but the respect he has for you ! he may tick all the other boxes and be amazing in all the other areas of your life but why would you want to be with someone who would share the most personal thing they can give with some one else ?

Yes, i dont think you are reacting in the right way.

If you had suspicions about something, then the best way to be would be calm, until you had established the facts etc. There is no point being angry if you dont know what has happened, if anything.

However, he has just betrayed you, broken your trust and tainted (again) your relationship for the sake a of a cheap whore/quick fuck.

I would be livid, distraught, in bits, confused, tearful, angry and if I did come on MN immediately after finding out such devastating news, i wouldnt be able to post with as much clarity as you, im quite sure.

Your acceptance of the situation, which appears to have come so readily and easily is quite shocking.

It makes me wonder whether there really is any value to your relationship at all.

i think it's pretty harsh to judge aiacm's reaction and her relationship on teh basis of a posting. I did think she was strangely calm but I understand what she says about having been through it with her dp and now feeling calm. sometimes after emotional upheaval you're just too exhausted to be anything else. or maybe she doesn;t feel like puring out all her feelings here but wanted some feedback on how importnat fidelity is to other people. aiacm's posts are just a tinsy snapshot of what's going on out there in her rl.

Well of course it is, lol! We can only go by what we are told!

I think she needs to re evaluate her situation, on account of her calmness, im not "judging" her persay, im saying how im seeing the situation from where im standing, because clearly she is struggling to understand it.

Im not entirely sure i understand your post tbh, no-one knows the full story with posts on here.

If she just wanted people's opinions on fidelity though she wouldn't have told us her story. You are right, she may be too exhausted to react but I agree with VVVQV, it seems the relationship is pretty floundering anyway if aiacm can remain calm in such awful circumstances. Not judging you aiacm but ask yourself how bothered it has made you feel?

Thanks, thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat. The last thing I expected coming on here was a bloody lecture on inappropriate calmness.

I'm human. I love dp and ds. I'm livid. I've shouted my head off tonight and told dp to shut the f*ck up while I talk, which he has dutifully done. And now I've calmed down a bit - not all that improbable after three hours of heated talking.

You're absolutely right, hatwoman (your name's too long!), what I type on here - to a load of women I don't know, and particularly being quite a private sort of person by nature - is just a glimpse of how I'm feeling. And I thought it would be daft to go on about everything I feel in endless emotive detail; I wanted to share the simple facts of what's happened, the context, a few of my beliefs, and then to open a discussion on how others might feel/react. I hoped for some (gentle!) objective perspectives on this - not a bloody character assassination.

Sorry, but you did ask what we would do in the same situation.

We have told you. Clearly have hit a raw nerve. Perhaps if you wanted just sympathy posts and not opinions perhaps you shouldnt have asked for said opinions.

Im sorry you are having a hard time. Im more sorry that you appear resigned to his behaviour as being perhaps not particularly important.

I hope you work it out.

Sorry for outburst - also want to say thanks for your postings too. As crazy as it may seem to you all, I really didn't expect everyone to be so black-and-white disapproving. I thought there'd be more responses like thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat's first posting - looking at the bigger, more complex picture when there's a child involved, and saying that this alone wouldn't end their relationship. It's interesting to learn how others would react. Thanks again.

AmIACompleteMug my dh had an affair which I found out about last year. I wanted to kill him and have never ever been so angry. I forgave him and tried to move on, but it's been eating me up inside what he did and the fact that he and the other (older woman are still seeing each other ever day at work and talk every night so we're now separated his choice not mine. I do believe that fidelity is crucial and my trust is completely blown in my dh. We're going to try counselling and take it from their. Would you two consider counselling?? Maybe worth it to get to the bottom of his behaviour. Sending you big hugs and hoping that you're doing okay.

oops "there" see even typing about it gets me wound up.

Hey, im not saying you should leave him, or that you are doing anything "wrong".

Im saying you should look at why you are so calm about it. Its not right, IMO.

I think your outburst proves you have alot of the right emotions . I think you understand the point though. I have no problem with forgiving infidelity as such, but when you accept it because its happened several times before, well that needs looking at. Children involved or not.

Hmm, tricky one.

The thing is, he didn't have an affair. He slept with a prostitute, which is a very different thing IMO. (Men who have affairs often leave their wives for their mistresses. I don't think this happens with prostitutes.) Also, he told the truth about it right away, which I'm afraid gets him some credit. (Did he know you'd find out through friends, anyway?) Did he feel guilty? Did he think he did something wrong? Does he think he could have done something different in the circumstances? If so, what? Does he have a habit of getting swept along by peer pressure (if that's what this was?) ?

Also, v. important: did he wear a condom? (And if not, well, at least you know, so you don't put yourself at risk!)

I haven't been in your position, I don't know what I'd do. I do think the fact he's told you right away is good. I do think this is less serious than an affair, but I still wouldn't be happy (duh).

Does he have a habit of going to lap dancing bars? Does he have a habit of drinking to excess? (If so, are you happy with these habits?)

Have you had couples counselling? Do you think it would be a good idea?

I would be very concerned about his lack of concern for your feelings., your needs were ignored while he was paying a prostitute.

By using a prostitute he is making some unpleasent 'points' about his feelings about sex and relationships and the relative roles of men and women.

He has potentialy put you at risk of HIV and other sexualy transmitted diseases...reduced that risk if he used a condom, but even a condom doesn't reduce the risk to 0.

I would hate dh is he did this sort of thing.

I think a lot of men must do this sort of things on stag nights and just never tell their wives/partners.I would be more concerned about long term fidelity than this one event I am surprised he risked your trust again esp if you had built it back A lot of men full of alcohol and with their mates would find it hsrd to say no to this sort of thing and I think the answer is not to put themselves in that situation.Your dp needs a shock maybe ask him to leave for a while.

My DH would be out of the door so fast if he told me he'd gone on a stag do and paid for sex with a prostitute.
A relationship imo is built on trust and respect, you give your love to somebody and trust them to keep you safe and to respect you.
Your DP is not showing you any respect at all, one slip up you could possibly forgive, but not a few times, and certainly not paying for it.
To be honest, IMO, you dont seem to have a very high opinion of yourself if you are okay with your dp constantly walking all over you.
And is that the kind of father you want for your toddler?

AIACM,

It sounds to me like the comments, "we have a great life together" and "fantastic dad" have been written almost as excuses for his poor behaviour.
Purely based on what you have written I would say there are underlying problems that need addressing. There are trust issues between both of you as you've both cheated on each other during this relationship. As for his drinking if you hadn't written it you would not have been concerned about it.

He probably thinks that he's off the hook now because you've talked with him about this. He knows what to say to you and how to get around you. Using a prostitute shows marked disrespect towards you even if drunk (no excuse). He has put himself at great physical risk by using such a person. If he is capable of landing himself in such a mess then perhaps he should curb his drinking to start with.

How often is he not sober?.

I would actually suggest Relate for either one or both of you mainly because of the trust issues you both have.

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