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Original poster

Partner has slept with a prostitute

145 replies

AmIACompleteMug · 27/06/2006 00:04

Dp returned from a stag do tonight, and was behaving a teeny bit oddly from the moment he walked through the door. We have an absolute honesty policy, so I quizzed him straightaway, and he opened up. He said that at 4am Sunday morning, pissed as farts, they all found themselves in a brothel (they genuinely thought it was a lap-dancing bar, which I do believe), and two of them - dp included - paid a prostitute each for oral and full sex.

Dp has a bit of a track record for being a tart throughout our ten years together, but we've come through because - other than him being a great bloke when not thinking with his penis - I firmly believe(d) in trying to understand each other, empathise, look at the circumstances at the time of things going awry, and learning from mistakes. By and large, things have always got better and better. And I figure that if every couple were honest about all indiscretions, and if they all parted because of them, there would be very few couples. (I have also been unfaithful, in the first year of our relationship, and we worked through this too.)

But all this Miss Nice Guy stuff said, almost three years had passed since dp's last slip-up, and my trust and confidence in him had grown. Now, we're back to square one again, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being a bit of a mug to be staying in this relationship.

Dp is a fantastic dad to our toddler; a bright, thoughtful and sensitive man (when he's sober). We have a great life in a lovely community and a lot of time together as a family (though not enough as just a couple right now - not helping). It seems like a lot to give up over (another) pissed blip. But I do wonder if my self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem and other feel-good "self-" things, are going to steadily evaporate whilst continuing to stay with a bloke who I feel fairly sure will be unfaithful again - one day.

How important is fidelity anyway - especially when so many other boxes are ticked?

What do you all think? What would you do in this situation? Would I be being a complete mug to stay with dp?!

Thanks all. Am off to bed (with ds - not dp!) to reflect ...

OP posts:
Skribble · 27/06/2006 10:48

I think mine was wilder than DH's he got drunk with his brother in a pub, brother went off and left to phone me in tears sitting on a wall.

I got treated to a very scared looking stripper with horribly hairy toes, he was terrified of me, can't imagine why .

expatinscotland · 27/06/2006 10:48

Too right, Blu!

Yeah, screwing prostitutes is a GREAT way to celebrate your lifelong commitment to someone, and getting so drunk you spew.

Woohoo! Yeah, you're really mature enough to make such a commitment in life. NOT.

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 27/06/2006 10:49

I ended my marriage 2 weeks ago mainly because of what happened on a stag night. Men just think its an excuse to do whatever they please. Arses.

expatinscotland · 27/06/2006 10:51

Now that I'm a mum, I have a new guidline for tolerating behaviour: how would I feel if someone did that to my daughter (or son if you have one)? Then why should I permit that to happen to me? I mean, I'm someone's kid, too.

zippitippitoes · 27/06/2006 10:51

I think ending a marriage if for no other reason than something like this on a stag night is very sad.

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 27/06/2006 10:52

Good job it wasnt your marriage then Zippi

Cappucino · 27/06/2006 10:52

I don't think that a good father is one who sleeps around. I just don't. No matter how good he is at sharing bathtimes.

expatinscotland · 27/06/2006 10:53

'I think ending a marriage if for no other reason than something like this on a stag night is very sad.'

I think it's very sad that someone would use a stag night to completely destroy the trust their spouse has shown them.

imaginaryfriend · 27/06/2006 10:53

I'm in two minds about the honesty thing. Sometimes I think being honest about this kind of thing just passes the pain onto somebody else. He's told you so now he can ease his guilt, be a 'good boy' for 'coming clean' and leave it up to you to hold your relationship together. If I was him I'd choose to keep it to myself and suffer the guilt on my own, a much harder punishment. Actually to tell the truth if I was him I wouldn't have done it at all. I'd have had enough foresight to see the outcome. He was pissed enough to have a shag AND oral sex and pay for it so he wasn't too pissed to have lost all recollection of you.

Rhubarb · 27/06/2006 10:54

I just wonder if he'd be just as forgiving if it had been you who was unfaithful - say on a hen do and you got pissed and been given oral and had full sex with a male stripper. Then you came home and told your dh about it all. Would he calmly sit down and go through it with you? Would he see it as "different" from having sex with any other man? How would he react do you think?

I wonder what makes men think that they can be unfaithful with prostitutes and that is somehow different? It's almost like they are saying "but we're men! we have willies, we can't help it!" Can you imagine us saying "but we have fannies! We can't help it!"

sadandsickened · 27/06/2006 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

imaginaryfriend · 27/06/2006 10:55

Why was it YOU who called Relate?

FioFio · 27/06/2006 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 27/06/2006 10:56

Quite right, Rhu. It just gives men a bad name. There are PLENTY out there who wouldn't consider doing such a thing, they truly wouldn't.

zippitippitoes · 27/06/2006 10:58

well I'd like to give am i a mug a way to feel that she can work through this and not be thought of as amug by everyone

sfxmum · 27/06/2006 10:59

when i see this kind of stories i often think just how understanding the menfolk would be if their ladies came in after a hen night after having sex with a male prostitute.

nevermind the risk they put you in
nevermind how clearly they state their values regarding women, aren't prostitutes women too?
if the argument is ' well its their chosen profession so thats ok - so i guess you would not mind wife/ daughter/ mother doing the same.

as for fidelity, you cant help fancying someone but you can choose what to do about it.
and 'its just sex'(?!) well sex is an important part of the relatioship imo.

Cappucino · 27/06/2006 10:59

imaginaryfriend good point

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 27/06/2006 11:02

VVVQV - this thread has moved on a lot, and I haven;t read most of it, but you said you didn;t understand my post of 12.46. I was responding to your previous post where you said you didn;t think she was reacting in the "right" way and where you said her acceptance was "shocking" and where you wondered whether there was "any value" to her relationship "at all" - all of which sounded pretty judgemental to me. I really couldn;t see how you could say this - especially the last one - on the basis of the available info. Maybe you didn;t mean to judge, but you did explicitly cast doubt on the value of her whole relationship...

imaginaryfriend · 27/06/2006 11:05

I don't think AIACM is a mug. I think she's clearly a lot more loving and forgiving than I could be. But I think her partner's an arse to risk losing somebody who clearly loves him so much she will even consider forgiving him for this. And I think AIACM's idea of getting him to tell his mother is brilliant. I wonder if he'll follow through on that one.

No matter how many times I hear stories about the ridiculous and irresponsible things men do I never cease to be amazed at what idiots they are.

Pleading guilty does NOT free you from responsibility for the crime.

Needtoseelight · 27/06/2006 11:05

AIACM - I think you've had a pretty mixed reaction from everyone here and I think it's pretty representative. I think your answer is that everyone has different boundaries and differetn cut-off points. Mine are a lot lower than yours but perhaps the same principles apply?

My DH has let me down repeatedly over a paticular issue to do with sexual addiction. Apart from that he's a great H and a great father to our toddler and that's the reason I've forgiven him time and time again. However I was recently in a sitation where he broke my trust again and I had to question whether he was doing it because he knew I'd forgive him and he'd get away with it. I've have decided I've let this go on for long eough but I haven't just ended it. I've given him one last chance - and it really is, he knows if he breaks his promise again I will leave him and I will take our 2 boys away from him as I cannot trust him to be a good role model for them.

I actually think you're right to be calm. I too have been calm (after the initial shouting and crying of course) and have very simply laid out the new ground rules for our marriage. I think it helped him to realise I'm serious, not just hysterical and overwrought.

In your situation I would ask my DH to go away for a week, to understand that he has hurt you, and to give him a taste of what rejection would be like. I wouldn't do nothing, he needs to have some kind of punishment (sorry for sounding mummy-like) even if he knows he can come back - this time. You can also take the time yourself (or go away yourself) to think about how you really feel deep down. I don't think you necessarily sacrifice your esteem and worth by letting him stay because those feelings are within you. What I do think is that you need to think on whether they are still there. I also admire you for valuing your family unit so much and agree that children need a mum and dad if it's an option. Slitting up is a last resort only.

I really feel for you at the mo, I've know idea what you must be going through this morning. Be strong - you're entitled to ask him to do whatever will make YOU feel better because you're the one who's been wronged. (sorry for length of post, really wanted to give you a hug but words will have to do)

Chloe55 · 27/06/2006 11:15

I think, thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat, VVVQV is referring to the OP when she said she didn't entirely understand it, I don't think she meant yours. Please correct me if I am wrong though

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 27/06/2006 11:18

vvvq - read some more now and see more where you were coming from. 'mug - well done for taking such positive immediate steps. I think the relationship between a mum and dad is so precious it's worth a huge amount of work. I agree with what someone else here said that there are maybe underlying issues of trust and self-esteem on both sides here. maybe some good will come of this as I am sure Relate will help you through the bigger picture, and you may yet emerge with your relationship stronger than ever. What you say about honesty - you know I wonder whether in your case honesty is a substitute for trust and security. You might have been honest all along about what you have both done, but have you really really been honest about how you both feel, what you both need? Sometimes we don't even know ourselves and I really think Relate will help you. good luck.

joelallie · 27/06/2006 11:30

Some people do have open relationships so the answer has to be that fidelity isn't essential in all cases. Relationships age and change and other areas than sex become more central maybe infidelity isn't such a major issue. But as others have said trust is the key. Unless you agreed to this kind of relationship beforehand then he is betraying your trust. I agree with all the other posters who asked how he'd react to you doing similar. If her genuinely is OK with it and you think that you can cope with his escapades maybe you need to start your relationship on that footing. If not you should give him a major ultimatum - once more and it's over. What is sauce (so to speak) for the gander is sauce for the goose....if he doesn't agree kick him out and tell him to get his sauce elsewhere .

BTW I think your calmness was quite understandable. often reach that sort of place after a shock and a big row. Hope you reach a solution soon.

Wordsmith · 27/06/2006 12:09

AIACM - infidelity is one thing - repeated infidelity is another. You say he has a bit of a track record - well if your relationship and family is important to him he should try a bit harder to keep it up.

Of course anyone can slip up once and get through it - but time and time again? It's taking the piss.

And personally I feel sex with a prostitute is even worse -it's so soulless!

Wordsmith · 27/06/2006 12:24

Sorry...I mean try a bit harder to keep it in his trousers - keeping it up seems to be the last of his worries!

Seriously though, if he knows it upsets you, why does he do it? It shows a complete lack of respect for your feelings. Would you repeatedly do something you know upset your partner - something which you could avoid doing quite easily?

Whether you're a mug or not is for you to decide - I don't think you are, you have to consider your child after all and it seems he is a good dad which isn't to be lightly passed over.

But you said it yourself in your first post: ".. I do wonder if my self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem and other feel-good "self-" things, are going to steadily evaporate whilst continuing to stay with a bloke who I feel fairly sure will be unfaithful again - one day."

I would show him this thread. I'm not one of the 'cut his balls off if he looks at another woman' tendency but there is a tipping point and if it were me, I would have reached it. Sex with a prostitute would be like a slap in the face. It's so deliberate, so cheap, so thoughtless IMO.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.