Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has slept with a prostitute

145 replies

AmIACompleteMug · 27/06/2006 00:04

Dp returned from a stag do tonight, and was behaving a teeny bit oddly from the moment he walked through the door. We have an absolute honesty policy, so I quizzed him straightaway, and he opened up. He said that at 4am Sunday morning, pissed as farts, they all found themselves in a brothel (they genuinely thought it was a lap-dancing bar, which I do believe), and two of them - dp included - paid a prostitute each for oral and full sex.

Dp has a bit of a track record for being a tart throughout our ten years together, but we've come through because - other than him being a great bloke when not thinking with his penis - I firmly believe(d) in trying to understand each other, empathise, look at the circumstances at the time of things going awry, and learning from mistakes. By and large, things have always got better and better. And I figure that if every couple were honest about all indiscretions, and if they all parted because of them, there would be very few couples. (I have also been unfaithful, in the first year of our relationship, and we worked through this too.)

But all this Miss Nice Guy stuff said, almost three years had passed since dp's last slip-up, and my trust and confidence in him had grown. Now, we're back to square one again, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being a bit of a mug to be staying in this relationship.

Dp is a fantastic dad to our toddler; a bright, thoughtful and sensitive man (when he's sober). We have a great life in a lovely community and a lot of time together as a family (though not enough as just a couple right now - not helping). It seems like a lot to give up over (another) pissed blip. But I do wonder if my self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem and other feel-good "self-" things, are going to steadily evaporate whilst continuing to stay with a bloke who I feel fairly sure will be unfaithful again - one day.

How important is fidelity anyway - especially when so many other boxes are ticked?

What do you all think? What would you do in this situation? Would I be being a complete mug to stay with dp?!

Thanks all. Am off to bed (with ds - not dp!) to reflect ...

OP posts:
adozenroses · 27/06/2006 12:24

I can understand forgiving an affair...but sleeping with a prostitute That is completely out of order. I am very surprised any woman could forgive this - paying for sexAlcohol/peer pressure, etc is not an excuse.

motherinferior · 27/06/2006 12:28

I think Blu's post is very, very good. Fidelity/monogamy means different things to different people - I think, from your post, that it matters a fair bit to you, now, at this stage of your relationship. I think it's important that you make it clear how you feel (whatever that is - I may be wrong!) and set, if you like, some boundaries.

My personal feeling is that sex you pay for is off-limits, as is "I was pissed so it doesn't count".

Wordsmith · 27/06/2006 12:32

How can you make that distinction, MI? It still shows a lack of respect (if you know your actions would seriously upset your partner).

Does that mean you could shag while pissed repeatedly and it not count?

motherinferior · 27/06/2006 12:33

I put that badly - I mean I think it's completely out of order, and off-limits as in undeserving of pardon. I really, really dislike the idea of paying for sex.

expatinscotland · 27/06/2006 12:37

A bit like over-eating whilst on holiday - in your mind, it doesn't 'count', but it still has a nasty habit of showing up on your hips and thighs . . .

Wordsmith · 27/06/2006 12:39

OK MI, I get it now. So we agree then.

motherinferior · 27/06/2006 12:39

Yes. I'd actually find it - myself - more degrading than other sorts of sex.

Needtoseelight · 27/06/2006 12:41

AIACM around today?

Bugsy2 · 27/06/2006 12:48

I could forgive sex with a prostitute far quicker than an affair. When my ex-H had an affair it wasn't the sex part that got me but the fact he was having a relationship with someone else.
Sex with a prostitute when drunk on a stag do is stupid, moronic & risky. It suggests a lack of respect for himself as well as a disregard for his own sexual health & his partners but it does not suggest to me any more than that.
An affair indicates that emotionally as well as physically the relationship is floundering. Sex with a prostitute on a drunken stag do is completely different.

RubyRioja · 27/06/2006 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluejelly · 27/06/2006 13:05

6 male friends of mine went on a stag do recently to Latvia. Four ended up with hookers- 3 of them in serious relationships.
What made the other two say no?

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2006 13:20

Even as a bloke I couldn't be as forgiving as some of you, I'm afraid.
He was drunk? If he was sober enough to get it up then he was sober enough to make the choice to get his money out and f* someone else. From what you say AIACM, he knows from past behaviour that you'll get over it eventually and he'll be off the hook. It's upto you what you do and how you react but it certainly seems to me that he has no respect for you or your family.
Fantastic parents put their families first, not their genitals.

bourneville · 27/06/2006 13:24

It scares me sh*tless the stories on here about blokes having affairs/paying hookers.
It is my very worst fear, infidelity, and i struggle with trust enough as it is. Boyf & i haven't settled down yet, but we had a chat recently about whether or not we fully trust each other & ourselves. We both said we like to think we fully trust each other/ourselves right here & now, but that the knowledge the ppl DO make stupid mistakes, and that circumstances change, etc, means that we just don't know if we will be fully faithful for the rest of our lives.
One thing boyf did say though was that he knew it would be game over, (in his eyes as well as mine) if he was unfaithful, that he wouldn't be able to live with himself. That was enough to make me feel safe/happy, that he feels that way about it himself & that he is unlikely to be able to hide anything like that from me if it did happen. (And I hope feeling that way would also actually stop him if an opportunity ever arose.) In a way, it is the idea he could hide it that is harder for me to stomach - at least when i know he would come clean i have a choice & a right to dump him there & then (and i would).

Blandmum · 27/06/2006 13:26

You are a sound chap, Happydaddy, and a timely that not all men are thoughtless bastards.

All women deserve to be respected , and we are undervaluing ourselves if we make excuses for abhorant behaviour.

motherinferior · 27/06/2006 13:29

Agree, MB, on both counts.

Not all men behave like this!

bourneville · 27/06/2006 13:33

I would really, really like to believe it & relax & trust that my boyf is one of the decent men, but find it absolutely impossible to fully trust. I don't understand how it is possible?

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2006 13:35

I believe in treating people the way I want to be treated. If I want to be lied to, cheated on and treated with disdain fine but I don't.
I'm such a catch! LOL

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2006 13:36

bournville, don't worry yourself too much about it. Trust has to be earned and shown, my dw and I find it hard to trust but trust each other completely. Neither of us have fully trusted anyone before and probably never would anyone else again.

moondog · 27/06/2006 13:36

I agree with the comment that hen and stag dos have got completely out of hand.

Having said that,have found myself in the incongruous position of being obliged to go shopping this afternoon for glittery wig and prosthetic boobs for someone's imminent do.

Limo
Liverpool nightclub
Stripper

I feel like that bloke on the Fast Show

'Me?? Senior lentil weaver,flashing my diamante thong and downing WKD while giving a plumber's mate form Frodsham a handjob outside KFC?????'

Needtoseelight · 27/06/2006 13:39

HappyDaddy - not asking you to read whole thread but would def value bloke's opinion if you have time. It's hard to know what's 'normal'

HappyDaddy · 27/06/2006 13:49

I've replied on that post, Needtoseelight, not sure if I'm any help. Not sure that I'm normal, either!

SleepyJess · 27/06/2006 14:06

Why do men do these things? Theyso often seem to be able just put aside their consciences and do what pleases them at that particular moment, regardless of the possible consequences and repercussions. I know this isn't true of all men... but it seems to be a man thing to think this way. Having behaved 'badly', they appear to be able to put the lid on it (compartmentalise) and go back to being the usual good-enough husband and father... but too often, that lid comes off again when the cirsumstances, to them, are right.

Sorry for intropsective ramblings. I don't like generalisations normally.. but men do seem to be like this. Why?

AIACM I completely identify with your apparent 'calmness'. And also completely identify with Greensleeves description. There are some things that make some people react with hysteria and rejection (of the man in question). I too get hysterical, and then go into calm mode, which in fact masks an inner feeling of being completely in pieces and terrified of losing everything - sheer torture. I also want to cling, rather than reject.. and require constant reassurance. Rightly or wrongly, its the way I react.

People should try not to judge the apparent reactions of others. It is possible to give constructive advice and support without doing so. AIACM strikes me as anything but a mug - and it's so unfair that sometimes we have to deal with these situations when we have done nothing to deserve it.

SSSandy · 27/06/2006 14:07

I think you know yourself that this relationship isn't good for you and that he isn't good towards you. The writing has been on the wall for some time, now you're living in expectation of more infidelity and you don't just take it in your stride, it's getting you down.

I'm not you but if I were you, I'd be long gone.

expatinscotland · 27/06/2006 14:29

happy,
i think you and i are soulmates . either that or i'm really a man - lol!

truly, though, i agree 100%.

i remember once sitting w/a few female friends and one gay male friend at a cafe. the women were all discussing the behaviour of their partners.

the gay male sat listening.

when they finally asked what he thought, he didn't miss a beat. said, 'a man would never put up with any of that shit.'

expatinscotland · 27/06/2006 14:29

Some men do these things b/c some women appear to have been brought up to put up w/their behaviour.

People do what works for them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread