Partner has slept with a prostitute

[AmIACompleteMug]

Dp returned from a stag do tonight, and was behaving a teeny bit oddly from the moment he walked through the door. We have an absolute honesty policy, so I quizzed him straightaway, and he opened up. He said that at 4am Sunday morning, pissed as farts, they all found themselves in a brothel (they genuinely thought it was a lap-dancing bar, which I do believe), and two of them - dp included - paid a prostitute each for oral and full sex.

Dp has a bit of a track record for being a tart throughout our ten years together, but we've come through because - other than him being a great bloke when not thinking with his penis - I firmly believe(d) in trying to understand each other, empathise, look at the circumstances at the time of things going awry, and learning from mistakes. By and large, things have always got better and better. And I figure that if every couple were honest about all indiscretions, and if they all parted because of them, there would be very few couples. (I have also been unfaithful, in the first year of our relationship, and we worked through this too.)

But all this Miss Nice Guy stuff said, almost three years had passed since dp's last slip-up, and my trust and confidence in him had grown. Now, we're back to square one again, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being a bit of a mug to be staying in this relationship.

Dp is a fantastic dad to our toddler; a bright, thoughtful and sensitive man (when he's sober). We have a great life in a lovely community and a lot of time together as a family (though not enough as just a couple right now - not helping). It seems like a lot to give up over (another) pissed blip. But I do wonder if my self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem and other feel-good "self-" things, are going to steadily evaporate whilst continuing to stay with a bloke who I feel fairly sure will be unfaithful again - one day.

How important is fidelity anyway - especially when so many other boxes are ticked?

What do you all think? What would you do in this situation? Would I be being a complete mug to stay with dp?!

Thanks all. Am off to bed (with ds - not dp!) to reflect ...

I don't know about that expat. Sometimes the people on the receiving end are not so much doing what works for them as just trying to get through each hour of each day in any way they can.

Believe me, expat, some men would put up with that sh*t. Men's advice to other men is usually pretty limited though, "dump her, she's a witch" is about it.

Maybe we put up with it because we don't want to have to bring the kids up on our own and/or are scared of being alone. I wish I could stop DH doing what he does (nothing as bad as sleeping with a prostitute) but at the end of the day - what can I do. If I don't like it, I should leave - right? But then my 2 boys wouldn't have their dadand I'd be a single mum.

What's worse?

'Sometimes the people on the receiving end are not so much doing what works for them as just trying to get through each hour of each day in any way they can.'

That's STILL doing what works for them, b/c the alternative is something they feel wouldn't work for them.

Like good ol' custy always says, don't like your life, get up off your arse and change it.

'Oh, but it's not so simple! Oh, but my life is bad, my job is bad, my finances are bad, my relationship is bad . . . '

Until you own it, until you take responsibility for it, it won't improve on its own. YOU have to do it. Feel like a mug? Think about what you're going to tell him or her, do it and walk the walk.

Think your kids will grow up happy and stable knowning their dad's a womaniser and their mum is miserable by it (b/c trust me, they will know long before you think they do)? Guess again!

Kids learn self-esteem, how to treat others - not just romantic partners but others, all living creatures - from YOU, their parents, more than anyone else.

Staying together for the kids is a handy way of making yourself feel better, cos you know you feel shitty for staying in the relationship. There's nothing wrong with being scared of change, especially from a long term relationship. But this kind of thing makes you more and more depressed and feeling degraded while he gets to do what the hell he likes. Is he putting the family first? Is he bollocks.

sorry to all, i'm not trying to have a go or make you feel worse. It angers me that guys can be this shitty and know that they wont be thrown out cos their partners will just put up with it.

Men like these are not real men.

Well, you asked, Needtosee, so I'll tell you and you probably won't like it.

What's worse?

I love my mother enough to know I'd rather have grown up w/her being single than w/someone who promised to love, honour and cherish her, to whom she gave birth to two lovely children, who then treated her like shit.

My ex husband grew up in a home like this, and it took years of therapy for him. He hates his father, he truly does, for being so completely disrespectful. As he said, it wasn't just her he cheated on, it was us, too. We had to live w/the fallout from it. It affected us, too.

FWIW, she smoked herself into an early grave.

He remarried about 6 months later.

He wrote his sons that he was 'dating' again. All he got back from them was a note saying, 'You are? We thought you'd never stopped.'

expat, my thoughts exactly.

Thanks, all. Yes, am here today. Been taking care of friend's son this morning, with dp. Been for walk.

Bumped into stag (lives in village too) and felt silly; like a - you guessed it - mug, because I know he knows.

Feeling a bit numb today. Just can't see a way forward. Have suggested dp stays with either of his parents for a bit; he doesn't want to go. So don't know if he'll be coming home from work tonight.

Feel like I'd like to be holed up in a very remote cottage, on my own, with some wine and a good book, and just have major time out for a few days. Not going to happen! Straight after Relate on Friday, we're off to play the happy couple at another friend's wedding. The pretending - that everything's OK - is wearing, but this just isn't the kind of thing you tell all and sundry.

Anyway, have to go out now. But thank you all for your insights. Helpful stuff. And thank you Happy Daddy, for a male perspective. I think you're bloody rare. That said, remove the infidelity and dp really is wonderful - when I said about ticking boxes, I didn't mean it in a clinical way; just that he really is a great bloke with all this to one side. Which makes jacking it all in harder to contemplate, because maybe I'll find someone else eventually who's 100% trustworthy, but nowhere near as great as dp in so many other respects. Interesting.

Really ought to go now. Will check in again later.

Thanks all. AIACM x

because maybe I'll find someone else eventually who's 100% trustworthy, but nowhere near as great as dp in so many other respects. Interesting.

Whatever you do, whatever you decide, good for you as long as you are happy w/it.

BUT, don't ever sell yourself short like that and trick yourself into believing you're worth less than 100%.

You seem like a nice person, why wouldn't you be able to find or deserve happiness and trust?

Expat - what if in all other respects we're generally happy. The consequences of splitting up for us would be serious financial hardship as well as the emotional fallout. I don't know how AIACM's situation would be but that's just reality for us. And then there's the 95% of the time things are good...

I don't think there's a simple answer.

Unless he was a cheat or abused me/us - then it's be a bit more clear cut.

need
you seem to be trying to justify yourself to strangers. why?

you have two choices, stay or go. YOU decide what's best for YOU. but don't blame anyone else for what you decide. 'oh, he/she/etc. told me to leave', b/c at the end of the day, no one puts a gun to your head and forces you to act.

if you're happy w/your life, so don't leave then.

i haven't read your thread b/c there's only so much he/she's-a-lying-cheating-abusive-manipulative-piece-of-work-woe-is-me i can take.

Sorry expat. I guess I'm not trying to justify myself to you, more to myself. It was just what you said about the effect on the kids.

well, that's just my personal experience, need, and i'm a random stranger. but the ex's dad used to screw around. so did the dads of two of my best friends. and they knew about it. long, long before their parents thought they did.

my two friends were both HUGE commitment phobes. one did have a baby at 23, but she never married. she's still single and lovin' it at 50.

the other just got married. she's 40. she never wanted kids, though.

its not about what others think, its how you feel that counts and if you can forgive him and move on then do it for the sake of your relationship and your kids.

personally i couldnt stand it i would think about it every time he went near me and that would be the end of our relationship. i demand respect and with that comes doing what i ask (within reason - obv not if i ask him to do something unrealistic) wether it be not to sleep with other women or to put the loo seat down.

Some women would put up with it but they would hate it (in which case i would say leave him hes never going to change) others dont mind (hence ppl that swing or have affairs and forgive each other or have an open relationship)

so really its up to you. if you dont want him to do it again then tell him this needs to be the last time and give him a hard time over it.

for those questioning which is worse an unhappy mummy and daddy because they are unhappy with their relationship or single parent famillies that are happy on their own without the sresses and strains of a volotile (sp) relationship. speaking as a child that grew up in an unhappy household until i was 7 when my mum finally decided to put herself first and chose to be happy and left - i know what i would want for my kids.

AIACM - in response to the question in your name - no, you're not a mug at all. The mug is the bloke who risks everything he holds dear for a cheap thrill with a prostitute.

AIACM I really want to know if you're definitely going ahead with making him tell his mum what he did? I thought it was a genius move, definitely not mug-like and a real 'punishment' ...