Partner has slept with a prostitute

[AmIACompleteMug]

Dp returned from a stag do tonight, and was behaving a teeny bit oddly from the moment he walked through the door. We have an absolute honesty policy, so I quizzed him straightaway, and he opened up. He said that at 4am Sunday morning, pissed as farts, they all found themselves in a brothel (they genuinely thought it was a lap-dancing bar, which I do believe), and two of them - dp included - paid a prostitute each for oral and full sex.

Dp has a bit of a track record for being a tart throughout our ten years together, but we've come through because - other than him being a great bloke when not thinking with his penis - I firmly believe(d) in trying to understand each other, empathise, look at the circumstances at the time of things going awry, and learning from mistakes. By and large, things have always got better and better. And I figure that if every couple were honest about all indiscretions, and if they all parted because of them, there would be very few couples. (I have also been unfaithful, in the first year of our relationship, and we worked through this too.)

But all this Miss Nice Guy stuff said, almost three years had passed since dp's last slip-up, and my trust and confidence in him had grown. Now, we're back to square one again, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being a bit of a mug to be staying in this relationship.

Dp is a fantastic dad to our toddler; a bright, thoughtful and sensitive man (when he's sober). We have a great life in a lovely community and a lot of time together as a family (though not enough as just a couple right now - not helping). It seems like a lot to give up over (another) pissed blip. But I do wonder if my self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem and other feel-good "self-" things, are going to steadily evaporate whilst continuing to stay with a bloke who I feel fairly sure will be unfaithful again - one day.

How important is fidelity anyway - especially when so many other boxes are ticked?

What do you all think? What would you do in this situation? Would I be being a complete mug to stay with dp?!

Thanks all. Am off to bed (with ds - not dp!) to reflect ...

Agree with CD - I think your dp knows he's been an a**se and I know it was a stag do, but if he makes bad decisions when drunk, maybe that shows alcohol is becoming a problem. I notice in you op you say he's a good father and decent bloke 'when he's sober'. Perhaps if you give the relatio9nship another go and get past the immediate concerns over stds, you could compromise that he needs to cut down?

AmIACompleteMug on Tuesday, 27 June, 2006 12:04:50 AM

"Dp has a bit of a track record for being a tart throughout our ten years together"

"almost three years had passed since dp's last slip-up"

Are you reading the same posts as me?????

I forgot to add. Were these other "mistakes" with prostitutes also?

so sorry you are going through this, it sounds so hard. just from your OP i think that if you are worried that your self esteem, self respect and self worth will be damaged then they probably will - and are. I think a key thing here is that you think your DP won't change and infidelities will be an ongoing, if infrequent, part of your relationship. I think for this to work long term you would have to be the one to change and so far it sounds as though it has worked because you have done all the accepting and understanding. I believe that if you have to make such fundamental changes and compromises to your pre-held beliefs about fidelity and trust then some damage to your self esteem, respect etc will be an inevitable consequence. I suppose only you can weigh up if it is worth it. But i think there is a difference between being understanding about mistakes and completely changing our value base to accommodate someone else's behaviour - for me that would be a compromise too far.

I think when you've let is go more in the past, he would probably be right to question why this time you would make a fuss, your mistake might have been years ago tbh...
I would have gone the first time, both dp and me previously agreed fidelity is very important to both of us.

Guessing from your post that dp is around thirtyish is he going to now get a grip with alcohol and putting you and his ds first. Maybe some counselling would help..if your child is so little has this affected your relationship too.

Maybe you could look at this as being a chance to increase your self esteem by getting him to talk and respect you as you go forward.I wouldn't think you were a mug for doing that..I would think you were a strong person bigger than the situation.

Really Piffle?

DH and I agreed the same thing (we have been together 17 years with no infidelity as far as I know and dh is world's worst liar/concealer of things so I think I would know!)

However I wouldn't throw away 17 years of happiness because of one quick shag with a prozzer when pissed.

I do agree that AIACM's situation is different. What have you done before when he has been unfaithful?

'mug - You sound a very strong and wise person to me, and I thnk it's really important to judge / evaluate your relationship within your own needs, expectations and feelings, and not feel bound to measure a relationship against the received stereotype of a stable relationship. Very many people have excellent relationships because monogamy is not the teetering fragile cornerstone of thier love.

But you clearly are now unhappy, and it's time to let dp know that. You have both got up to tricks, your relationship is strong, tell him, perhaps, that because your relationship IS so strong it is worth working through a new stage which willmake you both feel more rooted in your family life. tell him that if your relationship has been strong enough to withstand infidelity, it is strong enough for him to draw his sexual boundaries much closer to home. If he doesn't feel strongly enough to do that, you will need to re-think.

It sounds as if this incident need not finish your realtionshiip, but that if he can't be supportive of your evolving need for more stability and exclusivity, it might be.

But no, your not a mug necessarily because you have had a realtionship which many consider unconventional.

I really do wish you luck, strength and continuing love.

wow great post blu

Perhaps this could be a new starting point not a finishing point in your relationship.

Message withdrawn

It was in Spain!

Just six blokes on the stag do. A third - a good friend - tried to pay for sex too, but his credit card bounced. He's married, and wouldn't have told his wife.

Greensleaves, I'm with you on the calm-in-a-crisis thing. I can be a drama queen over the trivial stuff, but this kind of thing just stops me in my tracks.

I called Relate this morning and we have an initial consultation booked for Friday. Dp is very up for it.

Yes, there are a few other issues between us, which we'll try to work through at the counselling.

Yes, my self-esteem/-respect/whatever else are already rock bottom and it'll be whether or not there's any scope for these improving in this relationship that'll determine the outcome.

I do give some credit to dp for being 100% honest. I know absolute honesty doesn't forgive all ills, but so many relationships lack it. We have a couple of good male friends who've confided in us that they've been unfaithful, and they wouldn't in a million years tell their wives/partners. The other lads on the stag do won't be telling theirs. Dp really did a bloody awful thing, but I think with honesty we can at least move forward. When blokes believe they will be booted out/castrated the moment they confess of an indiscretion, does it prevent them doing it? Or does it just drive the behaviour underground and keep it hidden - as with our other friends?

For the record, dp has never slept with a prostitute before and says - which I don't accept - that he thought it was different. And also for the record, dp doesn't drink much or regularly at all. He was on a four-day stag do in Spain. Anyone know of any stag dos where booze isn't free-flowing?!

Anyway, have suggested dp stay at his dad's for a few days/week, and also tell his parents about what he's done, if it's so acceptable (his Mum thinks the sun shines out of his arse - ha!). He is going to an STD clinic to be looked over, although there is some comfort in that a condom was used. And yes, as I said, Relate starting Friday.

Thank you all for your perspectives. They've been really helpful to me in realising how much of a mug I am: quite a big one, but no more!

AIACM x

You're only a mug if you think you are.

Fidelity means as much as you feel it does. It's subjective and different for everyone.

But the part I don't buy is the whole 'I did it b/c I was pissed' excuse. Being pissed just makes you do what you wanted to, anyway, but didn't have the balls to do sober. I know, I was once dependent on drink.

As for 'boxes being ticked', well, if that's how you want to live your life! It's not for me, but I don't have to wake up and be you everyday, either.

In the words of Expat - DTMFA.

I took her advice and am much better off.

Personally, I'd be miffed that he put his and my health in so much danger, too.

As for being 'honest' - um, why does he get kudos for htat?

Wouldn't it have been more honest and mature had he told you he felt like sleeping w/someone else BEFORE he actually did it?

Message withdrawn

I'm not surprised that it was in Spain..and I would buy the not realising it was a brothel. It is the case that in some parts of Spain (where was he?) it is very prevalent..not an excuse for him but chancing upon the situation in a drunken spree more likely.

I don't really agree that you do the things when drunk that you secretly want to do when sober but daren't.

I hope it goes well for you.

'mug - I was going to ask how dp was reacting to your upset and anger - but it sounds as if he is prepared to work at building something new and more constructive if he is willing to go to Relate.
You have been generous to him in the past - be assertive and clear in what you wnat now, and what you are prepared to offer.

The honesty you have is priceless, you deserve to succeed - and fwiw, I would far rather be in your position than the other duped wives in this little menage. My relationship boundaries do not accommodate infidelity, but if it ocurred, I would think a lot more than twice before slinging out my relationship like a screaming banshee!

someone mentioned something before about financial betrayal and how that was more important to them

and surely he has spent money from your joint family income which could have been far better spent on something for your son - saving for the future, or a day out, or clothes - on sex he wasn't even supposed to be having in the first place

And these bloody stag dos are getting way out of hand! Why the hell do men - and women - now feel the need to spend 4 days getting drunk and behaving badly to celebrate a relationship?? What's wrong with a few beers in the pub with your freinds! I'm so pleased dp and i are wrinkled and ancient and anyone who was going to get married has already done it yonks ago and we are free from stag debacles, bridezillas, wedding lists hats etc etc!!!

Boundries may have been blured or seen as flexible in the past, perhaps witht hte help of relate it is the time to set them in stone and make everything clear.

Message withdrawn

Definitely a good reason to veto stag dos outside the UK. eg Prague, Madrid and Barcelona