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Original poster

Dp 'doesn't think about sex much anymore' at 33?

108 replies

TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 09:40

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice on me and dp's relationship.

I've always been more sexually adventurous in the relationship (initiating, trying new things, dressing up etc) but in the past year or so the frequency has declined.

My dp announced that he doesn't really think about sex much anymore as 'he's getting older' he's 33?!

We haven't done it in over 3 weeks now. And if I mention this we won't do it for another week Hmm as says it adds pressure.

We have a ds who is 10 months old who I do most of the caring for. He stays up late playing online games with friends until 1am. This upsets me as he never comes to bed early to cuddle etc. I know he also watches porn but quite infrequently as I see his history (this does upset me though as he chooses this instead of me).

Does he need to see a dr about his testosterone levels?
I think a man of 33 is still young and should be enjoying more sex. I'm 27 and feel like I still want to have a healthy sex life for many years to come.

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Back2Two · 28/09/2013 09:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

joanofarchitrave · 28/09/2013 09:44

how infrequent is the porn? more often than 3 weeks?

It is true that the more pressure, the less like it he will feel. That's just how it is. He shouldn't punish you for raising the issue, but I wouldn't appreciate someone effectively tapping their watch and saying 'time to put out' - depends how you do it.

I wonder if he would feel more involved with you and your life if he did more childcare/you did more childcare together? I'd agree that sitting up til 1 sounds like avoidance and I should know

onlyfortonight · 28/09/2013 09:48

I would me trying to curtail the online gaming...there has never been a more effective form of contraception. If I was up until 1 every night and then worked a full day, I wouldn't be thinking about sex either. Lack of sleep and tiredness is most likely the problem than a hormonal problem, but it may well take a Dr to point that out to him. Can you negotiate some sort of limit on his gaming? Only 3 nights a week for example?

onlyfortonight · 28/09/2013 09:50

Oh and point out to him that 'getting older' generally means acting like a man (ie having sex) not like a teenager (playing online games like a spotty geek).

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 09:51

He is a hands on dad but works full time. He usually does bath time and morning feed so does feel involved and loves ds very much.

I try not to add pressure at all and be more playful about it but he doesn't really respond unless I were to walk in naked (why should I do that though?)

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 09:52

Oh and point out to him that 'getting older' generally means acting like a man (ie having sex) not like a teenager (playing online games like a spotty geek)

I'm definitely going to say that next time he says it!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 09:54

All of these things... porn, staying up late gaming etc... are avoidance tactics. What he's trying to avoid is the thing you have to find out. Be prepared that it's you.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 09:54

Last time he used porn was when I was on my period. First time in about 2 weeks I guess.

He said he hardly masturbate anymore either, compared to before we were living together. Do you think it could be a case of always having something doesn't make it desirable?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 09:56

I know he's avoiding me :(

Maybe ill fucking avoid him

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 09:57

Has anything else been sacrificed for the sake of his online gaming? As well as you and sex that is. Personal grooming? RL Friends? Hobbies he may have had?

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 10:02

No cog

His grooming is always good. His friends are his world and he chats to them all day long via email, instant messenger etc. I knew when I got with him he had a v strong bond with them. His hobby has always been gaming.

OP posts:
VisualiseAHorse · 28/09/2013 10:03

Honestly, he does sound kind of trapped in tiredness. Working, then coming home and going on the computer till 1am - what time is he up for work, I'm guessing he's not getting a huge amount of sleep?

He needs to do a week long ban of computing, and see what effect it has on him. Could you ask him do to that?

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 10:04

I agree with the tiredness and hasn't really thought about it like that.

He gets up whenever ds does, which could sometimes be 4/5/6am and then he starts work at 9am (works from home)

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 10:05

E-mailing friends isn't exactly getting out there and socialising though, is it? I agree with the PP that he's probably chronically fatigued & you probably need to disconnect him from the web and help him engage with real life more i.e. you.

Fairylea · 28/09/2013 10:08

Well I'm 33 and a sahm and I'm bloody knackered and to be honest I'd not really mind if I never had sex again... I had sex all the time, twice a day mostly, during my 20s.

However, I have a myriad of health problems (thyroid, pituitary, anaemia) so I know that doesn't help, despite treatment.

I don't think no sex at 33 is normal but then again I don't think there is a norm for sex drives etc.

The one thing that seems odd to me is him watching porn, and I'm assuming masturbating too.. well for me personally I have no interest in masturbating at all. No sex drive, zilch. So flicking the bean doesn't appeal. To me it seems a bit odd that he doesn't want to have sex and yet still feels sexual, even if it is through self pleasure.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 10:08

So he works from home, e-mails people, games online all night long? Does he ever actually leave the house? Speak to anyone real other than you and a baby?

VisualiseAHorse · 28/09/2013 10:11

So, he's probably only getting 3-5 hours of sleep a night? Does your baby sleep through the night, or does he wake and disturb your OHs sleep? 5 hours is not enough for anyone to function well, never mind having sex! I wouldn't get too worried about any masturbating/porn at this point, as he's only doing it infrequently, and it's probably a lot less 'effort' than sex. (Hope that doesn't come across in the wrong way)

I also presume that his working at home involves computers? He needs some serious screen 'down time' if so.

queenbitchapparently · 28/09/2013 10:12

Sounds depressiony to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 10:19

I don't know about depression but I'd have thought it's not healthy for someone to have so little actual human interaction that they prefer to behave like a kind of 'brain in a jar' attached to a keyboard.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 10:28

I think you're right horse

Ds usually sleeps through but not always. But he's always up early!

Yes, he's on computer for work all day too.

Cog sorry he does socialise. He sees his friends every week for a catch up. Sometimes he goes to work meetings too, goes shopping etc

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 10:31

Then you're back to the original problem.... he's avoiding you.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 10:51

Just talking to him now.

Trying to agree on 2 days where he can game from earlier in the evening so he's not up until 1am.

He agrees with this but says I'm taking control away and men need to feel in control of themselves Hmm and apparently they need caves to retreat to Hmm tit.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 28/09/2013 10:56

I wonder if the gaming is replacing the excitement & highs of sex? He could be addicted to it.

He's got a solitary not to say solipsistic lifestyle - on his pc from first thing in the morning until 1am, seeing his friends once a week, with a baby thrown in.

He doesn't seem to factor you in much at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 10:56

Men? Caves? Couples need personal space but this is taking the piss. What is the point of being a family if everyone is in a different room not communicating?

Twinklestein · 28/09/2013 10:58

He effectively spends his life in a cave! A normal, healthy man does come out of it...

It's not a question of control on either side, but simply taking part in a relationship - at the moment he's not.