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Original poster

Dp 'doesn't think about sex much anymore' at 33?

108 replies

TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 09:40

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice on me and dp's relationship.

I've always been more sexually adventurous in the relationship (initiating, trying new things, dressing up etc) but in the past year or so the frequency has declined.

My dp announced that he doesn't really think about sex much anymore as 'he's getting older' he's 33?!

We haven't done it in over 3 weeks now. And if I mention this we won't do it for another week Hmm as says it adds pressure.

We have a ds who is 10 months old who I do most of the caring for. He stays up late playing online games with friends until 1am. This upsets me as he never comes to bed early to cuddle etc. I know he also watches porn but quite infrequently as I see his history (this does upset me though as he chooses this instead of me).

Does he need to see a dr about his testosterone levels?
I think a man of 33 is still young and should be enjoying more sex. I'm 27 and feel like I still want to have a healthy sex life for many years to come.

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 28/09/2013 15:40

I think he's having an affair with his computer...

He's selfish in bed, he's selfish out of it, I don't see what's in this for you OP.

You're young, you've got plenty of time to find someone else...

FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 15:52

Well then hold the front page...

Porn hound who's rubbish in bed, shocker.

So far, so usual.

You don't have to do this anymore OP. Really you don't.

If sex has always been this crap and he's always been this selfish, it's hardly likely that life will get any better.

If he's watching really nasty stuff, it's probably material that buys into his view of women and their place in the world. That stuff is misogynistic shit and it's no surprise that misogynists like it, or that it makes a mild misogynist worse.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 16:14

Don't see when he would be having an affair tbh, he's always here except once a week when he's with mates, which he definitely is.

I don't know if its watching too much porn, I think he knows that I want sex and doesn't like the pressure. Also there's probably the issue of seeing eachother all the time and throw in a little baby into the mix and the tiredness.

My ds isn't and won't suffer if we stay together as someone said up thread because we get on really well. I just wish he wanted me more and showed me more interest.

Maybe when my ds is grown up ill meet someone else who really adores me (or at least shows it) until then I will continue with counselling (as he does actually listen and respond). But this prob isn't forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 16:16

Since our chat this morning he has done all the cleaning, bathed ds and taken him out so I can relax which is really nice.

I hope if we limit the game time it will hopefully reignite our love life as I do miss it

OP posts:
FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 16:17

Rubbish and infrequent sex for another 17-18 years? With a man who is this selfish and doesn't adore you?

Now why would you resign yourself to that OP? Why do you think that's your lot and you have to lump it?

Twinklestein · 28/09/2013 16:24

Personally, I think his porn use sounds too infrequent for it to be the central issue. He says he hardly masturbates any more either. It doesn't sound like he's transferred his affections to porn but rather that he's not arsed about sex at all...

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 16:25

I don't know :(

Because I don't want to 'share' my ds with him? It scares me.

We aren't married and don't own property. I have personal savings so I can always leave if it gets bad and be independent. I have my own business too so know I would be ok.

Things just aren't bad enough to leave I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 16:26

Exactly twinkle maybe he should see a dr about it? I know he does suffer from bouts of depression at times as he's told me. I wonder if all of it is linked.

OP posts:
FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 16:31

I get the thing about not wanting to share your son, but there might also be some opportunities in that for you. You sound run ragged and as if you don't have much 'me' time. He seems to have rather a lot.

Don't settle for less than you deserve OP and don't under-estimate how soul destroying it would be living for the next umpteen years with a man who doesn't love you properly, doesn't want sex with you, doesn't satisfy you when he does and who has this warped idea of masculinity.

valiumredhead · 28/09/2013 16:32

OP you say he's 'only' gaming from 10 pm but if he's on there until 1.30 am that's three and a half hours which is a massive amount of time !Shock also you get very poor quality sleep if you use the computer/phone just before bed.

It does sound like he's having an affair with his computer. A porn ban would be my first suggestion and much less time on the computer.

valiumredhead · 28/09/2013 16:33

Oh and my ds doesn't think of anything else if he is on the x box for over an hour. It's all consuming.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 16:37

He says 'only' valium like he's deprived or something, I know it's a lot of time to yourself, more than most family men.

I know I'm settling. I deserve a lot better than this. I just want to feel really loved.

You're all right, his friends and games are his ow and I'm not getting a look in

OP posts:
ICameOnTheJitney · 28/09/2013 16:39

I haven't done it for about 6 weeks...I don;'t think that's excessive. I just don't fancy it much...some people have low sex drives when they're tired.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 16:39

Maybe if things haven't improved when ds is in school I will seriously think of ending it. At least then ds will understand and it can be explained to him - although that will probably be worse :(

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 28/09/2013 16:39

By suggesting the doctor you would probably just be adding more pressure to the issue from his pov.

If he has a low libido & isn't bothered enough to go to the doctor himself, there's not really much you can do.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 16:41

He didnt seem bothered when I suggested drs and said yeah maybe I should

OP posts:
maniclady · 28/09/2013 16:46

Sad you have my sympathy I've had a relationship with someone who has impotence issues and low sex drive. But at least I knew there was a medical reason. He also made time to cuddle and it sounds like your dp is not.

If I'm honest he sounds quite immature and self centred. Plus I despise men who watch porn sorry but I couldn't be with a man who avoided sex with me then went and walked off to porn. The damage it would do to my self esteem would be extortionate. I really hope you sort this out op.

maniclady · 28/09/2013 16:46

Wanked off to porn not walked off.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 16:59

Thanks maniclady

He is very affectionate during the day so not completely closed off

OP posts:
FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 17:00

One of the strengths of a forum like this is that you wont have everyone telling you that your man is depressed, ill, tired, lonely, entitled to use horrible porn- and that you as a woman should just suck it up for the sake of the family and the children.

Because there's no earthly reason why you should have to and no credible reason why you would want to, when there's a life out there for you that could be so much better.

valiumredhead · 28/09/2013 17:02

If he's affectionate during the day it does point to the computer being the problem.

Have you brought this up at counselling?

maniclady · 28/09/2013 17:11

I'm glad he is affectionate during the day. I agree with others it seems the computer is to blame. I get addicted to computer games and when I am my sex drive sinks through the floor and I stay up all night playing. For this reason I only play with dh now so we have couple time and it doesn't come at the ezp

maniclady · 28/09/2013 17:12

Sorry posted to soon expense of our sex life.

FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 17:20

The computer isn't the problem, in my view.

The man using it is.

He admitted in counselling he won't change.

He's told you he doesn't want to be controlled and that no man does.

He believes men need caves.

He watches nasty porn. You haven't said what games he likes but a lot of those are misogynistic tripe too.

Blaming the computer for a man's behaviour is just the same as blaming other things, such as illness, depression, tiredness.

Sometimes it really is just the man himself.

VisualiseAHorse · 28/09/2013 19:29

I think you should just go with the gaming ban for a couple of weeks and see how it changes his behaviour. Maybe even up the ante, and do a week long game ban?

I agree with Twinkle, his porn usage is infrequent, too infrequent to be concerning. If he is depressed, having a chat with the GP is a great idea, but he does need to change his own behaviour by switching off the screens and spending more time sleeping and with you! Depression can be very cyclical, and can come hand in hand with a low sex drive and less intamicy within relationships.

Have you done anything (or have anything to look forward to?) recently to change things up in your lives recently? Has everything become mudane and routine? Both I and my partner suffer from depression, and I find that having something to look forward to, something every month or so really helps to stop us sitting in a rut.