Dp 'doesn't think about sex much anymore' at 33?

[TheCrumpetQueen]

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice on me and dp's relationship.

I've always been more sexually adventurous in the relationship (initiating, trying new things, dressing up etc) but in the past year or so the frequency has declined.

My dp announced that he doesn't really think about sex much anymore as 'he's getting older' he's 33?!

We haven't done it in over 3 weeks now. And if I mention this we won't do it for another week as says it adds pressure.

We have a ds who is 10 months old who I do most of the caring for. He stays up late playing online games with friends until 1am. This upsets me as he never comes to bed early to cuddle etc. I know he also watches porn but quite infrequently as I see his history (this does upset me though as he chooses this instead of me).

Does he need to see a dr about his testosterone levels?
I think a man of 33 is still young and should be enjoying more sex. I'm 27 and feel like I still want to have a healthy sex life for many years to come.

Any advice appreciated.

Ignore str8t.. they're one of these grumpy XY chromosomes that hang around MN accusing all women of being man-haters...

Dp? Lol

str8tothepoint ? Eh?!

He watches porn - then doesn't want to have sex with you. He has disconnected his sexual desires from you.

He doesn't have time for you yet has time for friends.

He doesn't have time for you yet has time to play online games.

All of these point to him not fully committing your relationship and putting your relationship and thus his family first.

So you can try and discuss with him your concerns and ask him to stop gaming, stop watching porn, and stop keeping his private life separate from you. The sex you want is something two committed people do to show they love and desire each other. At the moment, he is showing no commitment to nurturing your relationship or making sure you know he loves you.

If he doesn't want to invest in your relationship or if he says he will and then lets you down, then you know it's time to move on.

His behaviour seems to stem from the fact he is unhappy and it does sound like he is trying to avoid you. Only hope is that he explains honestly why he is unhappy and try and fix some of those issues.

Either way, best of luck x

Thanks plinky, really helpful advice. All sounds about right too.

My DP has a problem with computer usage, namely online gaming. He is very affectionate and loving, but its becoming a real problem. He is definitely depressed, and has begun to make less effort with his appearance and is becoming a bit of a slob. I related to some of your post, although my DP has much more time for me, and genuinely cares for his DC too. I think a MASSIVE passion killer is spending so much time in the house together. I just get sick of his face! My biggest problem with him is that he doesn't have a social life or takes the DC out to do things. I think as a sahp part of it should involve socialising the children more. His lack of effort outside the house has definitely affected his behaviour as he isn't interacting with people, only online.

I think if you have been to counselling and he keeps going back to his man cave, there is no hope I am afraid. My ExH was selfish and had w few small faults, so I stuck things out for 9months-year for the sake of our DD. It is one of my BIGGEST regrets. Not only do I feel like I have wasted that time, but things deteriorated so much that we truly HATED each other. Life as a single parent won't be any more lonely than life is now!

Cogito - I'm gay so your point has no fact, I love female company

I think this relationship has run it's course sadly, I was purely stating that he isn't thinking about sex anywhere near as much as she is so why point the finger at him. Yes he may have issues but if he's gone off sex then he's gone off sex, buy a toy or if this relationship is only based on sex with no love, care or interest in each other to keep you together then walk away

Went to counselling today. Just feel resigned and sad.

He said he's cut down on porn use greatly and feels better, he said it 'deadens the senses'.

He wants us to go out more as a couple as its got quite stagnant being at home all the time. I agreed.

I hope things can change. We definitely have incompatible needs - he needs time alone, I need time together and intimacy so we have to try and balance that out. See how it goes for the next month until next session.

I did say I'm thinking of ending it while ds is small as its easier because I need someone who is more emotionally available. Time will tell I guess

I know someone whose H was a porn addict, they separated, he got better and they got back together.

So, it seems possible.

Recent research suggests exactly that porn does raise the bar and dulls the senses. If he can keep up without watching porn he may well regain a desire for physical activity with you.
If that's the case, it should mean no concessions to porn use.

I think your need for intimacy and his for space can be balanced if you do have quality time together and you find space and time for yourself too.