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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp 'doesn't think about sex much anymore' at 33?

108 replies

TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 09:40

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice on me and dp's relationship.

I've always been more sexually adventurous in the relationship (initiating, trying new things, dressing up etc) but in the past year or so the frequency has declined.

My dp announced that he doesn't really think about sex much anymore as 'he's getting older' he's 33?!

We haven't done it in over 3 weeks now. And if I mention this we won't do it for another week Hmm as says it adds pressure.

We have a ds who is 10 months old who I do most of the caring for. He stays up late playing online games with friends until 1am. This upsets me as he never comes to bed early to cuddle etc. I know he also watches porn but quite infrequently as I see his history (this does upset me though as he chooses this instead of me).

Does he need to see a dr about his testosterone levels?
I think a man of 33 is still young and should be enjoying more sex. I'm 27 and feel like I still want to have a healthy sex life for many years to come.

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 28/09/2013 19:37

I'd be concerned if my Dh was using porn and not sleeping with me. Wouldn't mater how infrequent it was. I'd see that as a big problem.

valiumredhead · 28/09/2013 19:40

Francesca-I get your point but I've seen how gaming affects my mild mannered ds so I can well believe how it can affect a man who doesn't actually seem that committed to his family.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 19:51

Ill see how it goes for a couple of weeks. He seemed very positive about the changes and agreed that it would help.

When he watched porn last week he told me he was feeling in the mood but it just happened to be when I came on (annoyingly) so I guess he relieved himself (not in a way I agree with though). If he was choosing it over me, there would be a big problem.

I'm going to raise it all during counselling and will update

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 21/10/2013 08:45

So an update.

Things haven't been good in the bedroom. Nothing has really changed. It changed for a bit then went back to normal: him playing games to get his 'alone time' and me going to bed alone :(

Just feel really down. We had a talk last night where I said I feel like he has no desire for me, never follows me to bed, doesn't initiate sex unless its been 3/4 weeks and he's just wanting sex. He said he doesn't have time to 'think' and doesn't really do anything apart from work and go out once a week with friends. Also that we see eachother all day and all weekend..said its not fair on me but didn't give a solution or an ideas.

Going to discuss it at counselling this week. Feel like shit really. I wonder if he would be open to an open relationship but doubt it.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 09:07

Just give it up. You are flogging a dead horse. He is shit in bed, acts like a teenager and doesn't give a crap about you.

Leave him now while your ds is little. It gets harder not easier as they grow older

All the reasons you have given yourself so far are very poor justifications to stay trapped at 27 with a rubbish partner like this

In 20 years time you will look back with so much regret at a wasted youth

purrpurr · 21/10/2013 09:09

Op, you know you deserve better than this.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 21/10/2013 09:09

I know you're right AF. I wish I had someone in real life to talk to about it. Whenever I talk to family or friends they minimise it and make me feel like I'm overreacting. I'm so confused

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 21/10/2013 09:10

I was thinking of moving to my mothers for a week or so to see if us having space helps but she's so awful to be around (see my other thread :()

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 09:11

Family and friends are not living your life. They would be comfortable to see years go by and nothing change for you, because most people feel happier with the status quo

If this isn't good enough for you, it isn't good enough full stop. You don't owe this rubbish bloke a relationship just because he isn't giving you two black eyes every Saturday night

GeekInThePink · 21/10/2013 09:23

I don't normally comment on these threads but OP AF she is talking some serious sense here.
He is never going to change and it will only get worse and harder to leave the longer this goes on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2013 09:25

I have read about your mother TheCrumpetQueen on the other thread and to me she sounds narcissistic in terms of personality. It is therefore really of no great surprise that you have found a man who is in his own way selfish and self absorbed; she taught you how to find such a person. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, she certainly taught you a lot of damaging stuff about relationships.

As for this self absorbed porn hound of a man who is crap in bed and ignores you to boot I would have to urge you to give him the heave-ho. Do not continue to flog the dead horse because you are really doing all the work here to try and fix this and he is patently not bothered.
This is for your sake because this is no life for either you or your child to be witness to.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time?.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 21/10/2013 10:10

I always feel so torn because we get on well day-to-day and are a great team with our ds. We have a lot in common etc. this issue just keeps coming up over and over.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 21/10/2013 10:11

I honestly don't know where I see myself. I haven't pictured anything. I just think about my son and how old he will be, what he will be up to etc. I want to be happy though, I want him to have a happy mum.

Just texting my sister and she said please think carefully as its so hard being a single mum blah blah

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/10/2013 10:16

It is hard being a single mum... I am one :) But at least you know where you stand and you're fully in control of your own life rather than sitting around pathetically waiting for someone to pay you a bit of attention. There's a whopping great difference between being alone and lonely. If you're alone you can go out and find some company. If you're in a relationship and you're lonely then you've got bugger-all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2013 10:17

It is hard being a single mum but in effect you're running the whole show now.

What sort of an example does this man show your son, would you want your son as an adult to act the self same as his Dad does now?. I would hope not.

What does he bring to this relationship?. What do you get out of this relationship, that question remains unanswered. I do not think you can answer it because you at heart have nothing positive to say about this man.

You will never be happy as long as you stay with this individual because he is at heart an inept and immature manchild. Its not your fault he is like this, he is choosing to act like this.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 21/10/2013 10:26

It's easier being a single mum than living in a half relationship with a man who takes you for granted. I promise you that.
Getting on sometimes and enjoying time with your child doesn't make a relationship. I have that with my XH, he's a lovely guy and of course we both delight in our child's company. As a partner though he's crap. I deserve and want real intimacy, partnership and love. If I don't get that I don't want any relationship. It's a very empowering feeling, I recommend it.
Also, it's fine to 'share' your child. When you do 99% of the day to day care having a break is wonderful.

ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 10:43

It's a cliche but so true. Best to be alone than badly accompanied. Your sister's experience as a single mum may be very different from yours.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 21/10/2013 11:00

I don't picture myself alone for long. I would hope to meet someone who loves me and who I love. I want to experience a good healthy relationship.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 11:34

you ain't going to get that with him

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 21/10/2013 11:43

I know, I don't think I've ever been really happy. Was looking at my past posts and they've all been the same shit over and over and I sound so down in them

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 21/10/2013 11:44

I have savings so could rent for a bit

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 21/10/2013 12:07

< nods >

Sounds like going back to your mother's should only be a very temporary stopgap.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 21/10/2013 12:16

I would probably be even more stressed there as she's so hyper.

He keeps coming in and trying to make small talk, really can't be bothered with it. Hate that he's here all day

OP posts:
str8tothepoint · 21/10/2013 15:38

Why not just let him be, he doesn't want sex then let him sort it out. It's obviously much more of an issue for you than it is him so maybe you have a problem and not him?????

bleedingheart · 21/10/2013 15:51

Eh? So the OP shouldn't have any desires/needs/interests and only be dictated to by her DP's wants?