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Original poster

Dp 'doesn't think about sex much anymore' at 33?

108 replies

TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 09:40

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice on me and dp's relationship.

I've always been more sexually adventurous in the relationship (initiating, trying new things, dressing up etc) but in the past year or so the frequency has declined.

My dp announced that he doesn't really think about sex much anymore as 'he's getting older' he's 33?!

We haven't done it in over 3 weeks now. And if I mention this we won't do it for another week Hmm as says it adds pressure.

We have a ds who is 10 months old who I do most of the caring for. He stays up late playing online games with friends until 1am. This upsets me as he never comes to bed early to cuddle etc. I know he also watches porn but quite infrequently as I see his history (this does upset me though as he chooses this instead of me).

Does he need to see a dr about his testosterone levels?
I think a man of 33 is still young and should be enjoying more sex. I'm 27 and feel like I still want to have a healthy sex life for many years to come.

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Meerka · 28/09/2013 11:09

that's great - "brain in a jar" attached to the keyboard. Can I steal it? :)

ageofgrandillusion · 28/09/2013 11:10

He sounds very childish and immature OP. Why don't you suggest to him that he needs to buck his ideas up or you are going to go out and find yourself a proper man.

Tryharder · 28/09/2013 11:11

I'll say it:

Is he cheating?

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 11:15

We're in counselling at the moment.

We have agreed on days during the week where we spend time together, but he usually games after I go to bed.

He's still digging his heels in bit being limited, which is annoying. It's good he's agreed on a compromise though, and has said he will put more into family life.

Hopefully more sex will come of this if he's sleeping more. He agreed its affecting him and gaming until 1.30am is not healthy but said he only gets on it from 10pm onwards so that's why he's only it til so late

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 11:19

I love the 'brain in a jar' too, which is effectively what he is.

age yes I have actually told him that. I said I'm definitely not having anymore dcs with him if he carries on like this as I want someone who's more involved. To be fair to him, on the weekends we do lovely family activities and we all enjoy it.

I would just like him to come to bed with me at least twice a week, which he's agreed with and said he wants to

OP posts:
Meerka · 28/09/2013 11:36

those games are insidious. They're designed to be addictive, very cleverly so, and they succeed. Sounds like this is a good first step, I hope he keeps to it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 11:38

The thing that's missing here is 'intimacy'. If you're in bed asleep and he's in another room getting his geek on then it doesn't create the right environment for intimacy. For sex to happen we all need some kind of contact, texting, conversation, hand-holding, sofa-snuggling, etc ... i.e. a bit of a run-up. Personally, I love that quiet half-hour before the light goes out, lying close, having a bit of a cuddle and talking about crap.

He can't get interested from a cold-start but he's creating the cold-start...

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 11:52

I totally agree with you Cog. There is no intimacy. I'm the same, I need the run up or I'm not in the mood either. There is no run up at the moment.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 11:55

Sad that you have to be in counselling just to get him to turn off the computer and share your bed... How long have you been together?

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 12:02

4 years

:(

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 12:05

I don't see myself with him 'forever' because of all this. It kills your self esteem having to arrange time with him.

I don't think he will ever change though and he admitted that in counselling too. I will probably stay with him for ds' sake as our relationship is otherwise fine, just lonely

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 12:09

That's certainly a very short time for this level of deterioration. Don't feel you have to endure repeated rejection for the sake of your DS. Children who grow up in cold households where Mum and Dad are miserable together don't exactly benefit. Life's far too short to be lonely in your own bed at night

VisualiseAHorse · 28/09/2013 12:25

Totally agree, life is far too short to be lonely.

He needs to agree that on a Monday and Tuesday (or whatever two days a week work best) he doesn't play games AT ALL. Two days out of seven isn't much to ask. He doesn't NEED to play games, he NEEDS to pay more attention to you otherwise he will lose you.

On those two days, once work is finished with, both of you have no screen time. Turn your phones off, no laptops or iPads etc. You can watch telly, but only if you're doing it together, snuggled up on the couch, watching a film that you'll both enjoy. And in bed no later than 11pm.

str8tothepoint · 28/09/2013 12:30

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Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 12:49

Yes, we've agreed on those two days there will be no gaming.

Funny because my whole life seems to be about pleasing him and ds, I don't really look after myself very well. Yes, this post is very much about me and how my needs aren't being met, so I guess it is self centred

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 28/09/2013 12:58

It's selfish to want time with your H str8t? To expect a partnership rather than this semi-detached relationship?

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 14:32

Apparently Twinkle Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 14:33

He's always been fiercely protective of his 'time alone' since we got together. Annoyed me in the beginning so shouldn't complain now I guess

OP posts:
str8tothepoint · 28/09/2013 14:37

So sex and cuddles is the main ingredient in a relationship obviously there's nothing else to fight for, so why fight. Love isn't sex and what you want. What if he's thinking the sane about you, she constantly wants sex, I'm happy enough doing what I'm doing look at it from his perspective for the first time.

Twinklestein · 28/09/2013 14:40

His alone time is all the time OP...

FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 14:56

I'm not sure I'd want to have sex with a man who came out with such twitty comments about men needing to feel in control and to have caves, but to me this isn't a sex problem, or a sex drive problem.

The problem is the man himself. One who thinks that his needs trump everyone else's in the house and definitely yours.

He hasn't lost a sex drive if he's looking at porn and choosing it instead of sex. He probably does that because at heart he's a lazy lover and can't be arsed with your pleasure. Again, that's not personal to you, but that attitude is personal to him.

Expand your horizons OP.

There really are men out there who aren't this selfish.

Lizzabadger · 28/09/2013 15:00

THEORY 1:
Did the lack of sex-drive begin once you had given birth? Some type of madonna-whore thing? Being put-off because of the birth?

THEORY 2:
I had a boyfriend once who behaved like this towards the end of the relationship. It was because he was not that into me any more. Do you think that might be the case here?

THEORY 3:
What kind of porn? Gay or straight? Has he EVER been that into sex with you? Could he be gay?

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 15:07

Francesca you're right. He is selfish, his needs have always come first. He's only now realising that ds' needs will always trump his and he's getting better.

In bed, quite selfish again.

I don't constantly want sex as all, just more often than once a month when he obviously is just desperate for it as its been so long and then it lasts about 5-8mins it also has never felt like 'love making' its always just sex iykwim.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 28/09/2013 15:10

Lizza theory 1 - no, he was pretty desperate for sex after birth as it had been a while and doesn't seem to avoid me if instigate it.
Theory 2 - sometimes I feel like that, maybe although I'm in v good shape compared to him
Theory 3 - normal nasty porn really. For someone who says they're 'prudish' he watches some pretty nasty stuff but I guess most of its nasty

OP posts:
Lizzabadger · 28/09/2013 15:22

Ok then
THEORY 4: affair
THEORY 5: wanking to porn means he doesn't get enough sensation/stimulation from sex