Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

[abneysporridge]

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid

Abney, well done last night.

I agree with all those who say that he now thinks he's over the worst and he's got away with it. I do honestly think that the only way he will understand what he has done and feel remorse (not crocodile remorse) is to think he's lost you. So, yes, I thhink you need to tell him to leave.

I doubt very much you'll get the truth out of him tonight either. He may reconsider in the cold light of day, when he thinks he's actually in danger of losing you, but as long as he stays there, he'll be thinking about damage limitation so things can slide imperceptibly back to normal, and then he won't have to think about it any more at all.

When someone has broken your trust like this, you really do need some space to get your head and your feelings back together, to consider your options.

Just want to add my support. It may be best to chuck him out, and I can see the logic in this. But it's your marriage, and you have given a clear rationale for wanting to minimise the drama for your DC, so perhaps you want to try and work things out without him leaving. Either way, I wish you all the best.

Now maybe the best time to turn off MN and concentrate on what you want to do.
I don't know you, you don't know any of us so my advice or thoughts are not based on you as a person I know.
I wish you all the best for your future no matter how it turns out.

Turn off MN if you want to but I'm sure the op is able to read the advice given, sift through, find words/phrases/ideas that help, motivate, lift her and forget the rest. That's what I did when I went through the darkest period of my life. Not sure if you've used MN during such an episode in your life LITTLE but even though we don't know the op nor she us it is surprisingly supportive to know others have been in your boat and survived- whichever path they choose up take.
Op- do what's best for you. Take hour by hour, day by day.

If you have some time away from him it does not mean the end if you don't want it to OP. But it does mean he won't see you as a Softie he can manipulate. Space apart without being under the same roof is what is needed.

Your kids don't have to go through further trauma, they can stay with your mum when you need to discuss stuff. Kids are more resilliant than you think, mine were older than yours when they lost both grandparents within a year. It was hard but got through with the love and support of friends and other family. You are not alone.

I'm so sorry he has done this to you when you have just lost your dear dad and had a baby. It really is such a shitty thing to do to someone you profess to love and even more horrible that he was so close to your dad. I don't believe he spent the night with her and did nothing.

I wish you lots of strength and all the best, whatever you decide. I would be so angry right now i wouldn't trust a word he says but i'm aware people go through different stages after a shock like this.

abney he's gambling that you can't prove what went on behind closed doors. He's following a well-worn path here. There's no way he hasn't had sex with ow.

sorry to crash thread Abney, but anyone heard from leaving today?

Ok. He's just left. We were going round and round in circles. I told him he needs to give me space as I'm so cross and I just can't trust him. He said 'where will I go? And I don't have any clean pants and socks?' I just stayed quiet.
He told me he's been so lonely in this marriage for so long - that I don't show an interest in what he has to say, and when he reaches out I just knock him back. I haven't consciously been doing this. If leaving for a bit teaches him anything, I hope it's that I'm here as an equal partner, not a skivvy he can deceive and take for granted.
And no I haven't seen anything from Leaving today. Hope she's alright.

Oh Abney, I'm so sorry that this has to happen, it really is crap. You are being so brave, I hope you are looking after yourself?

Oh abney, how painful for you. But it's the right way forward- you can't live with a man who is having a relationship with someone else, who is in love with someone else and has decided that its your fault. That really would be torture.

pants and socks? the things these men come out with...was he expecting you to run round washing and drying before he would leave?

I think tat this is for the best right now. You need some space and he needs to sort his priorities...

I feel so angry for you, you have three very young children, in the last year your family has suffered a terrible loss and he just feels resentful that you've been preoccupied? Unbelievable.

You did the right thing. keep that strength up, you're doing brilliantly

Even then it was all about him - where will I go, what about my pants and socks, wah, wah, wah...

If it wasn't so pathetic it would be laughable.

He has just shattered your world and he's thinking about underwear?

Oh, and he's still blaming you. Nice.

It's good that he's gone though. You really need that space. If he bombards you with text messages (which is part of the script) don't feel that you have to respond.

You are in control now. Take it at your own pace.

Did you tell him that your mum knows?

I think that you handled it brilliantly.

Pants and socks? Not my problem love.

Its a silly thing but it is the first step in him realising just how much he took for granted. He needs to believe he was lonely so that justifies what he did (retro downgrading of a relationship is classic cheaters behaviour btw, a previously good relationship suddenly becomes "Shit for years" and a previously happy spouse says they were miserable for years.). But now he is out in the big bad world with no loving wife between him and his skiddy pants, I would bet a weeks wages he is banging on the door begging to come back within the month.

I would tell him to sling his hook (even if you want him back) just to make the point!

Abbey you sound bloody heroic. You are putting the DC first and handling this sensibly rather than hysterically. You are an amazing woman and deserve more

ugh. I'm sorry to hear he is continuing to be like this. He just sounds like more and more of a self absorbed tosser.

On the other hand, you are clearly doing brilliantly. I do remember how unbelievably shocking and painful it all is. It was months before my ex showed any real remorse and by then I just wasn't interested.

where will I go? And I don't have any clean pants and socks

Doesn't that just speak volumes? Selfish, selfish arse.
You are so dignified and gracious, you are doing the right thing.

You have done the right thing.

Be prepared for the fact he may go to the OW now. As painful as that will be, at least it will tell you how sorry he really is and how committed he is to making it work with you.

I just don't know anymore. He is so self-involved but its not out of vanity, he actually has real self-esteem and self worth issues coz of his stupid fucking parents who sap the life out of everything they touch. But I thought he could rise above all that and appreciate the good life he has here, obviously I was wrong. Is this what men are like? I always knew they were self-absorbed overgrown toddlers but surely there's hope they can mature with enough motivation?? Really worried about my ds's now...

They are only like that if they never have to face the consequences of their actions. He is now going to have to be a responsible adult and stop blaming everyone else. It might take some time.

He will go through the list again:

Crying, begging for forgiveness
Anger, blaming you, trying to make you feel guilty
Hostility, threatening to go to the ow
Crying again, he didn't mean it, he is so hurt, just wants to put things right again
Depression, threatening suicide
Anger, more blaming you, accusing you of breaking up the family
Hostility, being difficult about the children, money, that sort of thing

around and around it goes.

Eventually it will dawn on him that he has caused all this mess, he is 100% responsible for his actions - not you, not her, not his parents. Just him.

Only when he gets to that point will he be likely to be honest with you, not because he has something to gain but because you deserve that honesty. He will give you all the information you want and also give you the time and space to decide what you want to do. Even if he is not in the picture, and perhaps for the first time in his life, he will do the decent thing and put your needs before his own.

Please don't worry about your children abney, they have you looking after them, they will be fine.
Love to you xx

poor childhood is the reason/excuse I let my H get away with abuse for so long. It is always a reason but never an excuse! If he was that damaged by it then he has a responsibility to get help for it, not just escapism.
I don't know if they are all like it. people tell me they aren't but who knows!!!

Also second that your dcs have a loving family around them and will be fine. Upset and confused for a while but aren't we all?