Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

[abneysporridge]

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid

Oh Abney here for you to hold your hand. You're such a brave, brave woman.

Thinking of you.

You brave, strong woman. Despite a horrid year and foul behaviour from your DH - you have faced this with grace and dignity.

I think eventually, after you are able to deal with your DH and grieve for your marriage, you should reflect on how strong and amazing you have been and will continue to be.

Sounds like you and your mum are built from the same good stock :)

I hope you get some answers tonight.

Good luck, thinking of you.

Just logged in when I got in from work at gone 11 - specifically to check on you. My own blood pressure feels a little raised and I don't even know you! I think you're amazing. I hope the talk has gone as well as can be expected.

hi abney, just popped my head in again... i was watching this up to when you were discussing changes of numbers.
just had a quick readthrough and my heart actually sank when i read what you found
you poor thing. im glad you have your mum on board and i think youre doing well to keep yourself together.
thinking of you tonight.

keep bettys list in mind too. n when he makes you feel shite, remember that half the reason he did so much to hide this (glued to the phone, deleting chats) is because he prob doesnt want to leave. he wanted his cake and to eat it. by kicking him to the kerb you are taking that control away from him and he wont feel like such a stud.

as for ow, where a bloke leaves for his mistress, he creates a vacancy. if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat ON you. if it was me id record him pleading for a second chance and send it to her, just to show her how much he loves her

as for you, you will no longer be in limbo, no longer watching him tapping away at his phone wondering wats that hes writing... you can live in much more certainty than he can with nowhere to go no family and a woman who he knows has the definate potential to cheat. the latter will haunt him for years to come trust me

Honey, you're a genius about recording him. Bet you could do it on your phone if he's begging today? Anyway, hope you're okay and that you got the truth out of him. Stay strong.

Hope you're okay op,

You really have behaved amazingly so far, i hope you got what you needed from your talk.

My guess is that your dh will have fallen to pieces.

How are you this morning Abney?

Been thinking of you overnight Abney. Hope you're ok.

another de lurker here wishing you support.

Hope you are ok this morning Abney. Checked in overnight to see if you were ok. If you need any rl support and your local to me then I'm happy to help. Just pm me if you do.

Morning, sorry was absolutely shattered after last night I couldn't post anything. Well... my mum arrived about 8.15 and picked up baby ds3 (we'd already agreed during the day that dh wasn't to know that she knew - felt like a stronger position to withhold that), and by that point we'd already started the film. So when she left we sat back down and I waited til his phone was beside him on the sofa, then I got up snatched it and went over to get a chair, sat down and stared at him. He paused the film and said 'er what are u doing?', I said 'were not watching a film tonight, were talking. I know everything. If u love me and respect me at all anymore you'll tell me the truth in ur own words. And I'm confiscating your phone for the evening.' (My heart was in my mouth but I managed to hold it together). He babbled for a bit about 'what was I on about, I'm acting crazy.' So I got up, his phone in hand, went into the kitchen saying 'think it thru, this is ur opportunity to come clean, I'm getting a glass of wine.' He followed me into the kitchen while I was rifling thru his phone, saying 'if u tell me what ur looking for I can explain it to u.' I told him to go sit back down to give me time to look thru his phone, and gave him mine in return. He found that impossible to do. He carried this denial thing on practically all night - I thought we weren't going to get anywhere - but I managed to keep the silence thing going (thanks for that tip) which drove him mad! Then a message beeped in on his phone and he panicked - he said 'she' thought there was something going on and he was just being nice to her. So I messaged her back as if from him, saying 'if I can't get the truth from u ill get it from her'. This carried on for about an hour and really made him squirm - he even tried to snatch the phone off me at one point. She was very non-literal and ambiguous in her replies but I think I got the gist of what they were up to last night. About 3 hours after we started this discussion he finally caved and admitted they were in an emotional affair. She loves him and he 'thinks' he loves her. He said its no excuse but he hasn't felt love from me in years - I never initiate hugs from him, I never take an interest in what he writes...blah blah. And then he realised he was using very 'I me' language and that he's been a prick. He said they have only kissed and absolutely haven't had sex - think I believe him on that one - but that he has stayed at her house when he said he's been elsewhere.
(sigh)
It was so good to finally get the truth out of him. We wrapped things up (ish) about 1am and he slept on the sofa, and has got up with the kids this morn. I haven't gone downstairs yet. I said we are going to get marriage counselling and soon, he agreed. We acknowledged that the trust is broken though and there is a possible future where were not together. I gave him his phone back, said u can tell her that wasn't u if you want, he didn't want to. When I asked him what he thought was going to happen eventually, he said he thought this thing with ow would fizzle out because between them they'd already agreed nothing can happen coz he's married, and that this would be a chapter in his life no-one would know about. How he thought I wouldn't figure it out is beyond me.
But it's the secrecy and deception that has hurt me most - I find it oddly a relief that this was about feelings rather than sex. And I know I have neglected my marriage in favour of putting my energy into the kids. No excuse tho.
Ok I'm going to brave going downstairs. Sorry for the essay! And thanks for all your good wishes, it really kept me going

Well done, you were brilliant.
I don't want to hurt you, but I would prepare yourself for the fact that they have had sex to come out eventually.
He's stayed at her house but they didn't have sex - that's a little far-fetched to say the least.
But you've been amazing to hold it together so well.

Glad your ok and it sounds like you did amazingly but I would suspect she knew she was talking to you and I find it very difficult to believe that he has stayed over at her house and tey have not had sex. I am no expert but it seems to me that he has managed to blame you for it. You have three kids if course they come first, if were man enough he should know this. He hasn't put his kids first he has put himself first. I would definitely be prepared for more to come from this.

Sorry but l think they had sex--it would be almost impossible to stay over and not to do the deed. He is admitting only what he thinks he can get away with.
I do hope l am wrong but feels there is so much more to this than what he has told you.

Well done for biding your time in silence to get him to talk. Sounds like you were very brave. I can imagine the pain you are feeling (been there myself many years ago).

I have to agree with Celia though, if he stayed at her house I think they would've had sex. I'm sure that must be very difficult to hear, feel free to hate me for saying it.

My ultimate best wishes to you. I really hope the counselling works for you both,

it sounds like you handled it well last night. But I too think she will have realised it wasn't him and it is beyond unlikely they haven't had sex.

If they did have sex, which is likely if he says he loves her, he wouldn't admit it.

He thinks it will fizzle out??? He thinks?

Abney you are fab. You have done, in one evening, what often takes weeks and months to get out of a cheating man. I agree that there will be more to come but that is enough, for now.

He has cheated on you, left you at home to look after three children under 4 (a 7 month old baby ffs) whilst he spends the night with his lover. Even if they are not sleeping together (you know that's probably a lie, right?) they are talking, snuggling, giggling, gazing into each other's eyes, telling each other how wonderful they are.

She would have been stroking his ego - you're a wonderful husband and such a caring father - yeah, right, so why isn't he at home being a wonderful father to his children!

He will have been telling her how neglected he feels, how you don't show him affection or have time to listen to his dreams. She will lap it up.

I would find all that more hurtful than just sex tbh. Remember, he googled how to leave my wife and children. And when you first confronted him he lied to your face. This is not some passing fancy.

He will tell you it's over, but it's not. Not by a long chalk. He will cool off for a bit, he will be more careful, but emotionally he checked out a long time ago.

You are doing so well. Hope you get some love and support from your mum today, that's just what you need.

Ask him to get tested for STDs (sorry, but 99% of cheaters minimise and given the several opportunities they've had, they will have had sex).

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

I would not make any long term decision - you will keep changing your mind and you still have not got the whole picture. Tell him that you need time and space to process your thoughts and feelings.

All marriages have ups and downs. Not everyone choose to cheat. He could have talked to you, suggested counselling, read books etc.

His choices which led to the affair has everything to do with himself, his own coping mechanisms, his character flaws and beliefs.

Didn't he google for advice on 'leaving wife and three kids'?

I'm sorry you are going through this but I think you need to kick him out for a week to make him really realise that ow isn't a realistic option when faced with leaving wife and kids.

I think they slept together, especially if they stayed in the same house together at night! Xx

He loves her and has stayed at hers but they haven't had sex?

He lied for hours that there wasn't anything going on. Then admitted an EA but no sex.

Nah, I don't believe him.

Again, he has really expressed no remorse here and has used the time honoured concept of blaming you for straying i.e hasn't felt love from you in years. This is not a man who is remorseful at all and he thinks this will fizzle out!. He still is in contact with her.

And he did not have sex whilst in her house, yeah right. He is still taking you for a mug if he states that.

If marriage counselling is going to work, he is going to have to fully face up to his responsibilities here. I think he is a weak man at heart. You are far stronger than he is, you've already shown that.

Do you still love him?.

I would have to say that no trust - no relationship.

Did you btw mention the upcoming memorial concert?.