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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

615 replies

abneysporridge · 28/09/2013 09:22

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid Hmm

OP posts:
SnookyPooky · 12/10/2013 10:28

Abney you rock. I agree with previous posters, there is no way that they have not had sex. Classic case of minimising.

Spelt · 12/10/2013 10:29

It's as if you've said that he's got to go to counselling like that's his punishment.

abneysporridge · 12/10/2013 10:31

Oh I'm sure he's still withholding things, but I'm satisfied for now. In her message she said she was feeling ill so he can probably expect to get a cold in a few days, which pretty says it all doesn't it. Based on his character tho I don't think he would have gone the whole hog, but he wouldn't tell me anyway I'm sure. He's just brought me a cup of tea in bed, and I've instructed him to go help my mum with the flat (she is going to continue the pretence she doesn't know basically to get his help with heavy lifting!). We'll pick this up again tonight but I think until we get counselling we'll be at a stalemate.

OP posts:
JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 12/10/2013 10:34

Stayed at her house and didn't have sex? Really? Was Googling leaving you and told her he loved her but hadn't had sex with her? Thought it would fizzle out? Really? He has lied and lied and lied and its not going to stop here.

Sounds like he's massively minimizing to me.

You shouldn't be the one suggesting counselling when you're the one who has been betrayed.

He needs to understand the full impact and consequences of what he's done. You're making it too easy for him.

I really think you should make him leave immediately.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2013 10:38

I think you should ask him to leave at least until the counselling starts.

That message from her came through during that short time that you had his phone. Think how often they will have been texting each other. I think you should ask for his phone again and see if you can retrieve messages - he will have deleted them all by now.

Does it make such a difference to you whether or not they've slept together?

I know it will hurt, but think about all the things that lead up to sex. Does the action of putting his penis in her vagina for a few minutes really make that much of a difference? There is still kissing and touching, etc.

You really need time and space to think, don't make any decision yet, ask him to leave and, yes, definitely tell him to have a check for STIs and show you the results.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2013 10:39

Oh, I meant to ask, how many did he tick off on Betty's list?

Trigglesx · 12/10/2013 10:44

Please remember the list.

-The gaslighting He will bluster, laugh and act like you're a crazy neurotic. (He'll say it's all in your mind.) he did that initially when you took his phone

  • The aggression. He'll get angry with you. How dare you check his phone? How can he live with someone who spies on him? he tried to grab his phone back from you and was following you around with it
  • The blaming You drove him to it because you're such a nag/ so mean/ so boring/ so busy/ so overweight. (Delete his excuse as appropriate.) he did this when he said he hadn't felt love for years from you
  • The rewriting of history - In fact, he'll say, he's been miserabable for years.He's never been happy. he did this when he was saying you didn't initiate hugs and didn't pay attention to him
  • The stone walling - This is the cold, cruel refusal to respond to you at all. You'll see a side of him you don't recognise while he packs his bags.
  • The rubbing it in your face - He may enjoy flaunting his 'love for the OW in front of you. (He'll say she's his true love, his soul mate, she makes him happy unlike you etc.)
  • The begging - He may resort to apologies, pleading, pathetic snotty,appeals to you to give him a chance.

Remember, first they deny. Then they will only admit what they absolutely know that you know - the emotional affair. He is not going to admit that he had sex, but be realistic - if he slept there overnight, they most likely did. How many men do you know that will say they think they love a woman without having slept with her? He will minimise his involvement - that's what always happens. Then he will push the blame on her (which he's already actually started trying by saying SHE thinks there's something going on but he was "just being nice to her." And then he will again push the blame on you.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 12/10/2013 10:49

No you're not at a stalemate. If he won't be honest then it should be over because it shouldn't take a third person to have honesty in a marriage.

How can you bear to be in a house with someone who you know is lying?

I would stop your mum from the pretence as well, as all that is doing is protecting him from the consequences of what he's done. He really, really needs to feel the consequences.

I would tell him to leave immediately and that you will consider discussing it with him again once he has had a sti check and can show you proof of this as you dont want his skanky bit on the sides fanny germs anywhere near you or your children. Tell him that as far as you are concerned he has fucked her every way under the sun and is now a filthy sti contaminated scumbag just like her.

That's only the first step to you DISCUSSING it with him. That is all.

Don't go to relate as they focus on problems in the marriage and often blame the one who has been cheated on for pushing their partner into it Hmm rather than making the cheater face up to what they have done and what about them made them do it. Because despite the problems this was entirely his choice.

At the moment you are in a lot of shock and are probably grasping at the idea that this is easily sortable. I don't blame you! But if you don't make him feel what he has done he will have no reason not to do it again and you may find yourself back here in six months or a years time saying that he's carried on seeing her or even someone else.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 12/10/2013 10:51

You don't need proof that he is lying or that he has fucked her to decide that you deserve better than this. What he has done is bad enough. He was planning to leave you and is lying about that. He has slept in her house and has lied about that. He has lied to your face repeatedly for who knows how long.

There is no way on this gods earth that he hasn't fucked her.

uptheanty · 12/10/2013 10:51

Sad what everyone else is saying.
He should leave xx

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 12/10/2013 10:53

He chose to stay at her house yet says that SHE thinks there is more to it!

Visitingtethersend · 12/10/2013 10:58

I would use the opportunity that he is at your mums to pack his bags and tell him you know he's A lying twat and then give him the proper silent treatment. It will hurt like hell but will give you a chance to think and clear your head. Are you at your mums tonight? He has got off lightly and you do need to consider an sti check. I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear but you know it really and facing it is going to be so so hard. But can you live with the broken trust as well? Every time his phone beep, he goes out? It will drive you mad.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/10/2013 11:00

He thinks he loves her?
Game over.

Seth · 12/10/2013 11:03

Abney although it hurts please don't believe him..this is the man who has told you repeatedly he was with friends and was with another woman. Lies are second nature to him now and I think it's inconceivable that they haven't had sex .This is one of the best known most common lies in the script. My ex H did it when I confronted him ( 4 years ago on Tuesday..) Your post rang so many bells with me as the whole situation was very similar.. Including the planned confrontation on Friday when he got in from work and me cancelling our plans.. I'd bet money on the fact that he has told her he loves her and is protecting you ( and himself) from that too. ( sorry don't mean to sound harsh but just don't want him to pull the wool over your eyes)

It's hard as your brain has to play catch up., I am sure he has never lied to you before this or given you cause to break your trust so you still look that person In the eye and believe what they say..he's the person you have loved and trusted all those years. Sadly though that person has temporarily left the building and you can't trust him.

Another thing is that if he thinks he's in love with her ( or is) then however wrong that may be, that 'love' won't magically disappear just because he has been found out.

Sorry you are going through this.. I took my ex back a total of 4 times but I wish I hadn't .i realise now it was mainly fear and disbelief driving it.

I hope everything works out for you .

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 12/10/2013 11:07

I know that you think you need solid proof of things before you can act, that's been clear since you started posting.

So what you know...

He lied to your face many many times.

When caught he lied more.

He blamed you for his betrayal.

He has kissed another woman.

That the above point is extremely likely to be the tip of the iceberg.

So lets change that to he slept with her.

That he spent the night with her. (how many times?)

That he was planning to leave you for her (which he is now lying about)

He thinks he is in love with her.

Any I've missed?

Fairenuff · 12/10/2013 11:12

At least that part of it is done now. It's out in the open. You can breathe easily, you can rest, you can go at your own pace.

Imagine if you had waited the six weeks, this would have broken you. Does he give a flying fuck about that? He would have carried on lying to you whilst you tied yourself in knots trying to hold everything together.

Now you are considering putting yourself in a similar position. Trying to live with him, act normal around the children, talk about day to day matters, all the while seething and going mad with wondering what he's not telling you.

Just tell him to leave. Honestly, it doesn't mean it's over, it just means that you have some space to think about what you want to do next.

You don't have to rush into counselling. In fact, you should probably wait to let this all sink in and prepare for the next round of revelations which are sure to come yet.

You are putting your needs at the bottom of the pile again.

You need to have your house to yourself, to speak freely with family and friends, in your own home. To have a place where you can scream and sob and let it all out. To have space, to think, to give your poor tired brain a rest, to recuperate your shattered nerves.

You must feel like you're run a marathon or something. Take some time to rest. Tell him to leave. It's ok to do that, it doesn't mean forever, it is what you need and deserve right now. If he has one jot of compassion for you, he will understand that.

And if he goes to her, then you have your answer.

Thisisaeuphemism · 12/10/2013 11:14

Abbey, a few weeks ago you saw. A text from her saying how guilty she felt. Clearly your DH managed to persuade her not to feel too guilty about it...

Seriously, what do you think adults do when they "are in love with each other"? They have sex. Please do not accept his lying. Why have counselling with a man who was plotting to leave.

Thisisaeuphemism · 12/10/2013 11:17

The secrecy and deception hurt you most? The secrecy and deception is still going on!

Abney. What is your bottom line? They have been fucking.

onefewernow · 12/10/2013 11:18

I think there is a lot of confusion about counselling. I was confused. I used couples counselling first time just to get at the full truth. It lasted for 9 weeks. It was a couple or three months later before it really hit me- at counselling I was just eventually grateful for some honesty.

Needless to say things slipped and a further year passed before any useful counselling started.

If I had my time again, I would have thrown him out first time, which I think would have cut to the subjects raised in the second set of sessions much more quickly.

onefewernow · 12/10/2013 11:19

I think there is a lot of confusion about counselling. I was confused. I used couples counselling first time just to get at the full truth. It lasted for 9 weeks. It was a couple or three months later before it really hit me- at counselling I was just eventually grateful for some honesty.

Needless to say things slipped and a further year passed before any useful counselling started.

If I had my time again, I would have thrown him out first time, which I think would have cut to the subjects raised in the second set of sessions much more quickly.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 12/10/2013 11:20

He has been massively taking you for granted and will continue to do so if you don't give him a massive shock.

At the moment he is blaming you which you are agreeing you, you are the one suggesting counselling (seriously you might as well just get down on your knees a beg him to stay! Have some self respect!), he is being allowed to get away with anything you can't prove and i assume he still got to sleep in your bed last night? He will also still work with this woman? His work mates probably all know. He's made a fool of you. You need to grow some balls.

Tell everyone you know. Don't keep his dirty little secret.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 12/10/2013 11:22

Sorry just saw he slept on the sofa.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2013 11:22

He still doesn't know how you know, so you could speak to him later and say, I know that you're sleeping with her. And then go silent again.

If he still denies it, tell him to leave until he is ready to be honest.

TiredDog · 12/10/2013 11:23

Well done Abney. Keep strong and do what is right for you. You can change your mind at any time about your decisions

Spelt · 12/10/2013 11:24

I think that your bottom line is that if he's prepared to stay, you'll let him.