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Original poster

irresponsible DP, or am I overreacting

52 replies

Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 09:02

Want some impartial advice please. DP took DS 13 fishing on Sunday to the coast, no problem there happy they were having some time together, DP said they would be back around 8 - 9, which again fine, reminded DP that not too late as it is a school night. So tried to call him early evening to see how they were getting on but phone not picking up, eventually managed to get DS who said there was a big problem as they were cut off by the tide and would have to wait it out. I was furious and worried, DP is very familiar with the tides there so no excuse. Anyway roll on 12.45 they rock up. He thinks I am being unreasonable and kill joy, apparently I ruined the whole day because he "knew I would be cross" So am I overreacting? Other than saying that when he got back how irresponsible I thought he was on Sunday this has not been mentioned until last night. We had a huge row, he slept on the sofa last night and left this morning without saying good anything.

OP posts:
fleacircus · 26/09/2013 09:04

He knew he was wrong, he's feeling guilty and blaming you for that. But I'm not sure it achieves anything to be having this row about a situation that is extremely unlikely to occur again.

ParsleyTheLioness · 26/09/2013 09:05

Difficult to say. I don't know how much danger they were in by being cut off by the tide. It was irresponsible yes. I don't like the fact that you have been blamed for 'spoiling the whole day, because you would be cross'. About his irresponsibility! So his actions become your fault! Is this a pattern, Blossom?

Greavesey · 26/09/2013 09:06

I think you might be overreacting. Yes, 12.45 is late for a school night, but getting cut off by the tide is a good enough reason. Your DP has obviously made an error and his mood this morning is a reflection of your overreaction.

Unless of course this type of thing happens all the time in which case you are not overreacting and he is being irresponsible.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/09/2013 09:08

No you are not overreacting at all. This could well have become a very dangerous situation for the two of them; lifeboat crews have previously been called out to rescue people trapped by tides.

I also do not like your man's assertion either that you ruined the whole day because he knew you would be cross. You were not and do not remain responsible for his actions.

IAmNotAMindReader · 26/09/2013 09:10

Getting cut off by the tide is not a good enough reason. Tide times are the first thing he should have checked before he left. They should have been drummed into his head, written down and taken with him. I live in an area where getting cut off by the tide can prove fatal, its not something that should be treated as a minor detail Angry.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2013 09:11

So your DS is cut off by the tide somewhere until past midnight. Your DP thought he'd just keep quiet about it, hope you didn't find out and then accuse you of being a killjoy? (I'm sure it was huge fun being trapped.. Hmm) If he had an ounce of commonsense & respect he would have been a lot more honest about the situation, told you not to worry and been full of apologies when he got home.

Also would like to know if this is a patter or a one-off

anon2013 · 26/09/2013 09:14

He should've rung you to apologise that they've been caught out by the tide and will be back later on. It would've stopped you worrying for a start!.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 09:24

They were trapped on a jetty so I was not worried about drowning, more worried DS would be a bit anxious ( he does get stressed) , hungry and thirsty.. I am annoyed that he sees nothing wrong and blaming me, "it is only school after all " he said if it was up to him he would have stayed the whole night. What an ass. And yes he often blames me for his mistakes. Said he did not call as phone was in the car.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2013 09:32

He's a knob then. If he has to blame you for his mistakes he's also a bully.

mummytime · 26/09/2013 09:33

I think he is a total idiot. Even on a Jetty a storm could blow up, and people have been swept away.

His blaming of you, even before you had said anything, is totally wrong. Your DP sounds like more of a child than your DS.

Also what the heck was the phone doing in the car what would they have done if something serious had happened?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 09:41

Thank you. It was double stupid as he has been to place before. He just does seem to think he ahead, which is annoying. Exactly about the phone and yes weather could have turned nasty, it would have been extremely unpleasant or an accident/illness That aside I more annoyed about the horrible things he said last night and now blaming me for everything wrong in his life. Me I think Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 09:44

Yes cog knob of the highest order, could not have put it better myself Smile

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2013 09:56

Don't tolerate being blamed. That's a classic bullying technique and you have to stamp on it very firmly. If everything wrong in his life is caused by you then tell him to go find a new life where you're not such a bad influence. Seriously.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 10:04

I am the bully apparently. I never "let" him do what he wants. You see I was quiet happy for them to go off on Sunday actually enjoyed some me time. But in his mind I am angry for them going, nothing to do with the fact that he was irresponsible. If DS did not have a phone I would have sat in the house going out of my mind with worry, thinking the worst. But then I am control freak! apparently

OP posts:
stowsettler · 26/09/2013 10:06

Absolutely agree with Cogito.

My DP has a tendency to absolve himself of all blame (e.g.: if he smashed a glass left on the kitchen worktop, his stock response would be "Oh well, if you're going to leave that there, what do you expect?"!!!!). I'm not one to take such shit though and tell him exactly why the glass was smashed - because he was a clumsy twat. Or I just laugh at him. He hates both responses, mainly because he knows how unreasonable he's being.

If your DP is like this I'd advise getting a bit indignant on him. However if he exhibits more bullying traits it may not be such a good idea to wind him up.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2013 10:09

"I never "let" him do what he wants"

So he wanted to get trapped by the tide on a jetty in the cold and dark... interesting hobby Hmm Seriously, that is the kind of immature non-argument you'd expect from someone your DS's age, not a grown man. If you're so bullying, restrictive, spoiling his fun etc, why is he still there?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 10:10

Stow are you married to my DP? Yes yes yes that is exactly what he does. Trouble after years you start to really doubt yourself. I thought I was a strong woman but I cannot be putting up with his crap.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/09/2013 10:12

I more annoyed about the horrible things he said last night and now blaming me for everything wrong in his life. Me I think

I would be too. However, it's not you who's wrong in his life. He seems to be wrong in your life.

I'd call him up on that and tell him what he should do if he finds you that horrible.

Your DS is your DS and you should tell him that you won't put up with such reckless behaviour ever again.

And utterly Shock at this:
However if he exhibits more bullying traits it may not be such a good idea to wind him up.

If he exhibits more bullying traits, you should LTB, obviously. Angry

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 11:01

Trouble is lweji even if we split I could not stop this sort of thing happening again as he would still see DS. I am not scared if him btw. His bullying traits if indeed that is what they are, are all emotional/verbal.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/09/2013 11:07

Yes, but what would you do if a NRP took a child away and returned him past midnight on a Sunday, after being stranded by the tide?

I'd be cutting unsupervised contact, TBH.

I'm not saying LTB now.
But I think it needs to be clearly on the table as a consequence if his behaviour continues to be like this.
I don't think he'll take notice otherwise.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 11:18

I would have called the police if I am honest [lweji]

My problem now is not so much the incident but his attitude, He fails to understand why I was upset, and can see he has done nothing wrong. ffs I did not even bring up to subject, after my rant on Sunday I have not mentioned it again. The fact he stomped off to work and slept on the sofa after giving me a verbal bashing, wtf!

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/09/2013 11:19

Quite.

A normal person would have been apologetic.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 11:24

Well that is the weird bit, when he came back he was apologetic but this latest rant clearly means it was not heartfelt.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 26/09/2013 11:26

blossom he is awful :( What he did was stupid & irresponsible, what he's normally like though, would determine if I was just upset or angry about it. However, his attitude towards it and you are horrible... it really isn't something you should put up with. I'd LTB (well, I'd tell him to leave) tbh. It wont stop him doing stupid things, but it will stop you having to live with his nasty attitiude and surely that's enough?!

stowsettler · 26/09/2013 11:53

Blossom you're right. DP and I have only been together 4.5 years and I'm not a young whippersnapper - so I'm still in full possession of my sense of perspective. However I can understand how you would start to doubt yourself.

I should say that this is pretty much the only thing my DP does that is unreasonable, and as such I'm quite prepared to accept it as a failing of his and just pull him up on it. In your case it sounds like it's gone a bit further. So remember - you are a strong woman. Don't put up with his crap any more. He'll be surprised I expect at first, but be consistent and show him you won't take it any more.