Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

irresponsible DP, or am I overreacting

52 replies

Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 09:02

Want some impartial advice please. DP took DS 13 fishing on Sunday to the coast, no problem there happy they were having some time together, DP said they would be back around 8 - 9, which again fine, reminded DP that not too late as it is a school night. So tried to call him early evening to see how they were getting on but phone not picking up, eventually managed to get DS who said there was a big problem as they were cut off by the tide and would have to wait it out. I was furious and worried, DP is very familiar with the tides there so no excuse. Anyway roll on 12.45 they rock up. He thinks I am being unreasonable and kill joy, apparently I ruined the whole day because he "knew I would be cross" So am I overreacting? Other than saying that when he got back how irresponsible I thought he was on Sunday this has not been mentioned until last night. We had a huge row, he slept on the sofa last night and left this morning without saying good anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 12:01

tbh, I am very confused and unsure what to do. We have been together a loooong time. He has issues but recently has been making an effort to be a better partner but then gets pissed up and it all goes to shit. Even that was my fault even though he bought the wine, opened it poured and threw it down is neck, But I got " see I told you I did not want to drink" He is a fucking idiot! He goes from one extreme to another. Only last week he went out of his way to go to an auction and but a rare piece of pottery he know I would love. Keeps telling me he loves me. Oh dear

OP posts:
stowsettler · 26/09/2013 12:06

Jeez he sounds like what my DP would be like if I let him. And there's the rub - I don't let him.

I know it must be really hard but in those situations you really need to chuck it right back at him: "Oh yes, it's entirely my fault you got pissed last night, how stupid of me to let you drink", or "Oh I'm sorry, when did you lose the ability to think for yourself?" etc etc. Sarcastic comments really tend to hit home with my DP because they let him see how daft I think he's being.

FWIW I don't think he sounds that awful - just someone who's used to getting it all his own way for far too long. But you're starting to sound like you may have had enough yourself. Is it something you want to change, or do you just want to be done with it all? Was the recent incident the straw that broke the camel's back?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 12:19

I don't let him get away with it stow like you I will say those sort of things, I am not a doormat. Smile However when he starts these drunken rants I just walk away as I just can't re bothered with him, he is totally unreasonable and will say the most vile things But in my mind I can not just put it down to drink as this must be what he thinks but would not have the courage to say it when sober. I dunno.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 26/09/2013 14:50

"when he came back he was apologetic but this latest rant clearly means it was not heartfelt."

It sounds to me as thought you were still pretty pissed off about it though?

Even if you weren't planning say anything, being obviously pissed off about something that happened at the weekend, when no harm was done and apologies had been made, would be pretty irksome to me.

I'm not saying you were still being quietly aggro about it, but if you were, I think it's a bit disingenuous to pretend to the whole thing had been put behind you.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 16:59

Yes I was very cross and judging on other people posting most people think I had every right to be and I was not over reacting, hence the point of the post in the first place. I said my piece and have not mentioned it since. He is the one who has raked it up and now this is all about me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 17:00

And join I am more pissed off about him blaming me for his ridiculous mistakes.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 26/09/2013 17:01

I don't think you had a "right" to be still cross and sulking about this days later.

It was a stupid thing to do, but there was no danger to your son, no harm was done, he said sorry.

If I had done something similar and DH was still obviously stropping about it days later, I would think he was being a complete prick.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 26/09/2013 17:02

Maybe he just got really pissed off with you carrying on bad feeling about something that was over and done with and he had said sorry for?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 17:04

join I am sorry but I think have got the complete end of the stick, Have you actually read this thread?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 17:05

wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 26/09/2013 17:14

Yes, I have read the thread.

And I asked you whether you were still pissed off about this incident days later, and you said you were.

Is that not the case?

Did he suddenly get all pissed off even though you had forgotten all about it and put it behind you?

Because it's a bit much to be outraged at him raising it again if you were still sulking about it.

As I say, that's only an IF. But I thought you had confirmed that.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 17:21

Sorry when did I say I was pissed off days later?

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 26/09/2013 17:27

He has issues but recently has been making an effort to be a better partner but then gets pissed up and it all goes to shit. Even that was my fault

His issues and fuck ups are not your fault.

He's got you so conditioned you can't even see it any more.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 17:35

maria exactly, I was tongue in cheek about being my fault. He can never take responsibility for any thing. I think he would have had an argument with himself last night, something he obviously bugging him. This is a pattern.

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 26/09/2013 17:53

Is your DP usually this highly irresponsible or was this a one off thing? It's also quite scary that he 'forgot' his phone in what can potentially be a very dangerous environment.
Is your DS his father?
Not being able to trust a partner in these sorts of circumstances is very difficult because what do you do the next time they want to go!?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 17:57

keep yes he is DS father. Yes he is irresponsible, He always forgets his phone. Sad. I have heard nothing from him today, normally he would call me a couple of times. Guess he is sulking.

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 26/09/2013 17:58

Sorry! Is your DS his son?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 26/09/2013 18:00

Yes this is dad

OP posts:
Xenadog · 26/09/2013 19:50

He is a knob. You can choose to put up with this or not. I would have been angry, worried and really pissed off that he blamed me for his stupid actions. I wouldn't say he is necessarily a bully but he is immature and not taking responsibility for his actions.

I would be more concerned about the example he sets your DC as he is hardly a great role model is he?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 26/09/2013 20:06

You never let him do what he wants.
You spoilt the day because he knew you'd be cross.
It's YOUR fault
It's YOUR fault

... he sounds 12.

Frankly, I prefer to be in a relationship with another adult, not a child.

He says nasty things when drunk. I think it's rare to say something drunk that you don't actually think/mean/believe it's just that alcohol removes the filter that you normally use.

He's 'trying' now Hmm - that lasted all of 5 minutes didn't it. It doesn't take much to go and buy something, it takes a lot more love, care, concern - whatever you want to call it - to treat someone well & not abuse them - drink or no drink, that's what he does :(

Being with someone a loooooooong time doesn't mean it's a good idea to stay with them, there aren't any medals for endurance and honestly, it doesn't sound like a good environment for your son either...

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 27/09/2013 10:10

I did have to laugh last. Over dinner DS said "hey dad lets go fishing at the weekend, and get stranded on the cob" DP looked very embarrassed.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2013 10:42

You need to record him next times he goes into a rant.
Play it back to him next day when he's sober!
I don't think right now this is a LTB but you need to keep pulling him up on all the things he says.
Write down what he says and when - everytime - like a diary/record and then when you have a few written down, time for a long talk!!!

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 27/09/2013 10:52

hells sound advise. There have been several occasions when I believe he truely has not remembered so of the vile things he says. These days I recognise when he going into one of moods and just go to bed a leave him to it. I am not scared of him btw, he would never physically hurt me. On a positive note though his drinking far more in control, I know it i hard for him.

OP posts:
queenbitchapparently · 27/09/2013 11:00

Tbf if he walked in to a shit storm of you telling him how crap he was, then yeah I could see why he would still be in a mood about it a few days later.
I personally think you overreacted, these things happen, they are annoying of course but, I doubt he did it on purpose and him saying that he knew you would be angry and it ruined it for him, Tends to suggest you get on his case a lot about things like this, is that fair?
I would try a more tactful approach next time (if you manage it tell me how, forever getting pissed off about things I probably shouldn't:))

queenbitchapparently · 27/09/2013 11:05

I missed the drunken rant bit sorry, that smacks of unreasolved issues.
If you were still visably angry about it and he was sulking about it that will create an atmosphere.
Best to get it all out in the open and move on.