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Original poster

DH has had a shouting match with MIL - advice please

110 replies

HowlerMonkey · 24/09/2013 08:00

This happened last night. I'd had a long day and was sad/tired, he'd had a long day and was just tired, she was staying with us and had had (by her own admission) a lovely day of shopping.

I had an argument with DH over something trivial, where we both did our share of stomping. She looked on in horror. I then ate dinner with her while he settled the kids upstairs and she kept on saying 'oh isn't it DREADFUL' in that way people do when they're loving the drama. I tried to get her to drop the subject but she kept com7ng back to it. Finally DH came back down and we settled things amicably. But she kept on saying to him (over his dinner) the same 'dreadful' nonsense. Eventually he lost his patience and had a proper go at her.

He told her she was a poisonous old baggage, that she has a sad lonely existence, that she has driven a wedge between him and his brother - lots of stuff like this, including an accusation that she was just stirring because she loves drama and causing discord (I happen to agree with him). I kept trying to stop them both from speaking but I didn't manage to stop them before enough damage had been caused.

She had a fit of hysterics, seemed really upset and frightened by the fact that SHE was the target ('I've seen him talk to girlfriends like that, but never ME' Hmm) and basically insisted on leaving - I had to call her a cab and book her a room elsewhere ('oh I'm so FRIGHTENED, please help me').

Anyway. I have told DH that whilst I understand his annoyance - and I do, as I think he was entirely correct - I don't approve of him shouting at her and that I think his behaviour was poor and that he owes her an apology for shouting. He agrees (a bit reluctantly). He lets rip like this very rarely and i make sure he gets read the riot act immediately afterwards, so he's not just a wanker.

She has sent us a message of 'you nasty cruel bastards' overnight, which seems unfair to me as I was trying to be nice to her.

So. Would you do anything in this situation, or just leave DH to it? I'm worried that he has 40 years of frustration clouding his judgement.

Thanks for any advice and please excuse the typos below, my stupid tablet hates me Angry

.').

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 24/09/2013 08:04

If I were you I would step well out of it.

Maybe send her a text saying you were sorry it all blew up and to hope she is feeling better this morning.

Trifle · 24/09/2013 08:05

I'd leave it to your dh to sort out. Seems there's years of resentment built up and an otherwise calm man exploded in frustration. Leave him to it and don't force him to apologise, there's nothing worse than an outsider trying to interfere and control a situation.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/09/2013 08:08

I'd be horrified that any man would shout at his mother that way but, on the other hand, people can say things within families - quite hurtful things to an outsider - and it blows up and calms down remarkably quickly. Presumably because they've gone through the toddler tantrums and teenage door-slamming phases etc. it doesn't get taken seriously.

What I'd be slightly concerned about is that remark about 'he talks to girlfriends like that' - but if you say it's very out of character behaviour for him and you're not on the receiving end of it, then you've probably handled it pretty well.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 24/09/2013 08:17

I think it is unfair of her to attempt to transfer any portion of responsibility for his behaviour towardsvher on to you. Whats that about?

he should apologise for shouting but not for telling her what he did. Sounds like it was well overdue. He should have just told her calmly how he felt.

I think she owes you an apology for lumping you in with him. He yelled at her, not you. She shouldnt be pullingnthat 'make the woman responsible for the mans behaviour ' crap

FrauMoose · 24/09/2013 08:23

I think it's okay to blow sometimes, rather than having a blanket ban on shouting.

Also there are difficult issues about apologising when the other party won't meet you half way. They just use the apology as part of their script of being badly treated, rather than acknowledging how they contributed to the situation.

I'd be more inclined to say, 'I'm sorry that you felt you had to leave. It would be good to talk about the underlying issues. Let me/us know when you feel ready to that. Hope you slept well etc.'

But it's your husband's decision. And perhaps he needs to feel supported by you. If your own parents have been basically decent, it is hard to understand quite how awful it is to have to cope with years and years of poor/selfish/manipulative (delete as appropriate) parenting.

WeAreSeven · 24/09/2013 08:34

Dh's mother is toxic in many ways and dh has ended up shouting at her. She's very "me, me, me", sometimes goes too far and will argue her point even at totally inappropriate times ( like the morning of our daughter's funeral Angry
So, while I would never shout at my Mum, I do get why dh loses it with his.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 24/09/2013 08:54

Be on your dh's side, not his toxic mother's is my advice. Whatever goes on between him and his m is up to him, but you need to support him and not her.

katykuns · 24/09/2013 08:54

I would just leave it altogether. She sounds like she deserved to be shouted at frankly! If your DH apologises for swearing, its might ve taken as an apology for all of it, and if he was genuine in the issues he was shouting about I think it needed to be said.
I also agree that you should remove yourself somewhat, as you are likely to be in the middle of a shit storm

Meerka · 24/09/2013 08:56

I"m so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

I hope things settle down and you can both find a way of dealing with your mil. Maybe a bit of distance from her, without actually severing contact, for a while? It does sound like she's pretty unpleasant on the quiet

goonyagoodthing · 24/09/2013 10:51

The only bit of advice I can offer is stay out of it. Believe me, you will be better to let them thrash it out between them.

Original poster
HowlerMonkey · 24/09/2013 12:19

Thanks guys. Here is an update.....

I did the stupid thing and engaged with her. I thought that I didn't want her to say things like 'well they threw me out and never checked to see if I was alright', so I texted her saying this I was sorry that she was upset but please not to send me messages like the one above as I hadn't done anything wrong. I also said I hoped she would get home safely.

She replied that we would never hear from her again and mentioned DH's comment that I had gone upstairs to escape her (no, I was settling the baby and reading my book actually). I replied that he had said a lot of angry things, that I was not to blame for them and that his comment about me was untrue well it was true a little bit She hasn't responded to that.

DH decided he should probably apologise for shouting and sent her this delightful epistle. I have reproduced it in full as the perfect example of how NOT to apologise.

"I apologise for loosing my temper - I really need work on tapering my responses so that they come in a little less from the blue. That said, a little more self awareness of just how draining your ceaseless need to analyse and attribute every minor interaction can become would be much appreciated. It probably wouldn't be too bad if you weren't so quick to think the worst. It is as if you feed on the conflicts and misfortunes of others blindly apportioning blame without any knowledge of the facts beyond your warped speculation. I can only take so much of it before losing my temper and for that I am sorry."

It's not a good one, is it?! Shock

OP posts:
Divinity · 24/09/2013 12:32

Support your husband on this and disengage from the mil. There's a lot of history going on here and frankly she does not sound nice. Why would a mother want to stir as she did then blame you both viciously when your dh pulled her up on it? Because she is toxic.

I'm not surprised your dh reacted as he did. Yes he should not have shouted but unsurprising given the history. Give him your support. He will need it to deal with her.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 24/09/2013 12:38

I think his apology is fine actually. She sounds like my mother a nightmare.

lynniep · 24/09/2013 12:39

I actually wish my DH would blow up at his mother. He quietly simmers away without ever having it out with her. I'd be relieved its happened.

Original poster
HowlerMonkey · 24/09/2013 12:43

Oh, I support him. I just think that there are better ways to make your point than leaping into a rage and surprising the person you're angry with so much that they can't/won't focus on what you've said.....

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 24/09/2013 12:47

It's a bloody brilliant one.

KoalaFace · 24/09/2013 12:48

His apology is sincere and he has told her how he feels.

It's not a "papering over the cracks apology" which I understand you might have prefered for an easy life but he has done what he feels he is prepared to.

Try to support him and just leave MIL to it.

flyingwidow · 24/09/2013 12:58

Just leave them both to cool down. My DH and my fil are often falling out in a similar fashion. My DH has found that if he gives things a couple of weeks to simmer down, then they can have a sensible chat about what led to the row. I have tried to remain quiet on these occasions- Except for maybe suggesting that it may be time for a phonecall after the "sending to Coventry" on both sides has been long enough!

LookingThroughTheFog · 24/09/2013 13:00

I agree with the others. He's sorry for losing his temper (which is the part he did wrong). But he's not prepared to suggest that she didn't wind him up, and nor are you.

You could either write the apology that grovels and takes all the blame and leave her to overreact and stir in the future, or you have it out with her and point out that you'd all get on better if her behaviour could be a little restrained.

Personally, I think it would have been better if he (and you) had shrugged and just said 'couples row sometimes. It's life; get over it.' and ignored all else. As that didn't happen, the apology for the part that went wrong but nothing else is fine.

Ultimately, you say that DH has decided to apologise. I think it's fair enough that he gets to decide that for himself, and fair enough that he gets to decide precisely what for and how to do that.

Original poster
HowlerMonkey · 24/09/2013 13:19

We did say that though lookingthrough - it was at the 12th repetition that he lost it! Love the username btw - is it a toxic parent reference perchance?

I'm not going to interfere with their lives any more, don't worry. I did however express my opinion that whilst I don't have any argument with his sentiments, I do not agree with the method of expressing them.

There is no danger of us issuing a grovelling apology because the world really would be not enough.

Musing further on this, I think DH has actually done MIL a disservice over the years. She has always been a nutjob stirrer and obsessed with her house/health/self to the exclusion of all else. DH has put up with it, more or less cheerfully, until yesterday he finally snapped. I can't help but feel that if he had bitten back a long time ago then we wouldn't be in this situation and she might be a bit better trained by now. Not that I'm comparing MIL training to toddler training or anything Grin

OP posts:
LookingThroughTheFog · 24/09/2013 13:57

You sound like you're pretty much there. I'm not saying that she is toxic, but if she is, be aware that there might be more hysterics coming, including a sudden illness and so forth.

And thanks for the name thing. It's more a reference to my depression, but I have a toxic parent kicking about on the sidelines. I'm actually doing better now than I was. Maybe I should change to Seeingthroughthefog or something.

happystory · 24/09/2013 14:06

This has happened with us (though me and my mother.) The catalyst was fairly trivial, but to me, was the straw that broke the camel's back. I didn't lose my temper but told her in no uncertain terms that enough was enough. Since then we have had nasty vitriolic texts and emails catalouging all my faults over the years, blaming my job for stressing me out (it doesn't) saying how 'hard' I have become etc etc. This has damaged the situation far more than the original outburst. Whilst I feel terribly guilty ('she's your mother!'), I feel that it was a long time coming and I couldn't hold it back any longer. So I perfectly understand your dh and his carefully worded return message.

Original poster
HowlerMonkey · 26/09/2013 09:47

Update - she has apparently fallen and broken her wrist.

DH was expecting a flare-up of her go-to medical condition, so this is an unexpected development.

I feel sorry for her pain but this is a pretty textbook development, isn't it?

OP posts:
happystory · 26/09/2013 10:32

Bang on cue. Right off the script. Suddenly all weak and needy, and 'how could you be so horrible when this has happened to me?'

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 26/09/2013 10:42

Can you find out if it's true or not - via someone else?

I don't blame your DH one bit. We all have our limits and he has reached his. As you say, probably would have been better if he had done it years ago, but he didn't - so, for where you are at now, I think it's fine. She needed telling.