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Original poster

DH has had a shouting match with MIL - advice please

110 replies

HowlerMonkey · 24/09/2013 08:00

This happened last night. I'd had a long day and was sad/tired, he'd had a long day and was just tired, she was staying with us and had had (by her own admission) a lovely day of shopping.

I had an argument with DH over something trivial, where we both did our share of stomping. She looked on in horror. I then ate dinner with her while he settled the kids upstairs and she kept on saying 'oh isn't it DREADFUL' in that way people do when they're loving the drama. I tried to get her to drop the subject but she kept com7ng back to it. Finally DH came back down and we settled things amicably. But she kept on saying to him (over his dinner) the same 'dreadful' nonsense. Eventually he lost his patience and had a proper go at her.

He told her she was a poisonous old baggage, that she has a sad lonely existence, that she has driven a wedge between him and his brother - lots of stuff like this, including an accusation that she was just stirring because she loves drama and causing discord (I happen to agree with him). I kept trying to stop them both from speaking but I didn't manage to stop them before enough damage had been caused.

She had a fit of hysterics, seemed really upset and frightened by the fact that SHE was the target ('I've seen him talk to girlfriends like that, but never ME' ) and basically insisted on leaving - I had to call her a cab and book her a room elsewhere ('oh I'm so FRIGHTENED, please help me').

Anyway. I have told DH that whilst I understand his annoyance - and I do, as I think he was entirely correct - I don't approve of him shouting at her and that I think his behaviour was poor and that he owes her an apology for shouting. He agrees (a bit reluctantly). He lets rip like this very rarely and i make sure he gets read the riot act immediately afterwards, so he's not just a wanker.

She has sent us a message of 'you nasty cruel bastards' overnight, which seems unfair to me as I was trying to be nice to her.

So. Would you do anything in this situation, or just leave DH to it? I'm worried that he has 40 years of frustration clouding his judgement.

Thanks for any advice and please excuse the typos below, my stupid tablet hates me

.').

OP posts:

MumofYuck · 12/12/2013 17:10

Oh hells yes, HEC.

She has sent a long ranty reply now about how it's cruel to tell her to feel better soon when her heart is broken. I think she's upset that I didn't criticise DH

Meerka · 12/12/2013 17:16

Nothing annoys drama merchants more than anodyne soft-soap.

Keep it up and she might well move onto different situatoins in her life to get her emotional drama from =)

Whocansay · 12/12/2013 18:22

Tell her that the doctor can give her some pills for that...

I would block her number, to be honest. She sounds like very hard work, as well as being extremely unpleasant.

MumofYuck · 12/12/2013 20:02

Here's the newest rant:

DIL...I have said that I can't speak to him as he will deliver a further tirade to try and blame me for his abuse. He is a coward...i was a soft target...on my own with no one to support me. My son has effectively dumped me like rubbish...and then moved on as normal without a second thought. "upset" doesn't even begin to describe it. Enraged is more like it...and how can I "get better soon" when my heart is broken and I am prevented from contact with my Grandchildren. It is cruel.

DH is still sort of laughing it off, but I sense growing annoyance....

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 12/12/2013 20:06

I really think she needs to be told to not rewrite history in order to try to paint herself as victim.

Whocansay · 12/12/2013 20:09

Why does such a 'soft target' want contact with such an abusive 'coward'? Could it be that she's full of shit?

Santaspelvicfloor · 12/12/2013 20:23

She is going to cause a rift between you if she can. I'd feel very hurt, angry and frightened in your husbands position. The fact that she is targeting you to get at him is rather nasty.

I'd personally be inclined to ignore completely. Do not engage.

Meerka · 12/12/2013 20:31

"I'm sorry you feel like that"

MumofYuck · 12/12/2013 20:31

Well that is the question whocansay.

If I'm feeling charitable, I can say that I feel a bit bad for her. DH suddenly decided he had had enough of 40 years of her poor behaviour and lost it, with no warning. She, justifiably, was floored by this. I mean, if you let a child misbehave for the first 5 years of its life with no word of restraint and then gave it hell the day after its 5th birthday, you'd be seen as the unreasonable one. I feel there are parallels to be drawn here. Yes, she's an adult and shouldn't have behaved like that to start with, but he's been a grown-up for a while and could have taken a slightly more tapered approach to registering his annoyance.

So I think she's a lonely old lady who is lashing out because she misses her PSB. She is doing a spectacularly bad job of winning him over, but bad attention is better than nothing I suppose.

However, I am a bit cruel in this area and absolutely will fucking not reward bad behaviour, in myself, my kids or the people around me. The least I will do is smile and ignore, the most I will do is be very very verbally passive aggressive. With MIL, I think a simple path of giving her no ammunition will suffice. I feel bad for her but she is a grown-up (with a background in mental health, no less) and capable of identifying and regulating her own behaviour. If that makes me a bitch of a DIL, so be it.

MumofYuck · 12/12/2013 20:33

I have replied to her now and did say something like that meerka.

My exact words were:
Ok. I'm sorry you feel that way. I feel that the situation would improve with direct communication between the two of you.

Whocansay · 12/12/2013 20:40

I applaud your dignity!

Meerka · 12/12/2013 20:44

Yeah I feel the same about tolerating bad behaviour.

In his defense, actually, when you've been under someone's thumb sometimes it takes a while for the anger to die down when you finally do break out. All those years of frustration tend to make you over-do it a bit at first. After a bit, things can sometimes settle down. Though ... if he's 40 I can imagine that there's a lot of backed up frustration to endure, now he's breaking free.

She does lay it on real thick, doenst she?

eddielizzard · 12/12/2013 20:44

wow she's really emotionally manipulative isn't she?!?!

you're handling this beautifully, not getting drawn in and basically acting like an adult!

TheOneWithTheNicestSmile · 12/12/2013 21:06

"He is a coward"

er - this is my husband you're talking about, MIL.

I disagree

Meerka · 12/12/2013 21:11

its manipulative but it's also somehow very theatrical.

SallRight · 12/12/2013 21:27

OP You and I are living almost parallel lives.

Including your approach to your own mother/mine to my father and yours and my DH's approach to their respective mothers.

I won't go into all the detail of my own MIL's dramas but for years they sucked my enjoyment of family life away and caused me to waste hours of my life soul searching and trying to understand her. Her feelings dramas cost DH his relationship with his brother, DS his chance of having cousins and almost even our relationship with my parents.

We are on a shaky speak no evil, hear no evil footing with her when she comes to visit but even then I came back from work last week to find she had been gracing DH with her unnecessary judgements. The worst of it is over time DH's our defenses lower then something happens again and everything flares up.

Similarly I have had to inform my own father never to utter a sentence to me or DH or DS about MIL in any format, context, emergency ever ever ever, because the drama and damage reached that far.

Good luck!

LoonvanBoon · 13/12/2013 11:22

MumofYuck, I've just been reading this & would agree that you're handling it with dignity & good sense. I also think it's natural that your DH feels angry.

SailRight, this bit in your post really resonates with me:

"over time our defences lower then something happens again & everything flares up".

Yes! That's exactly what it's like in the relationship DH & I have with MIL. You just start to relax & think she's grasped this thing about boundaries, & then - BOOM! - some completely outrageous remark / behaviour comes seemingly from nowhere when you're just not prepared for it.

MumofFestiveYuck · 13/12/2013 14:20

Thanks Sallright, I intend to not even bother trying to understand her beyond the details listed above! She is behaving poorly and it's unacceptable. She didn't respond to last night's final text from me anyway so I am half-expecting a drunken angry text later this evening. She has form for that. Meh.

MumofFestiveYuck · 13/12/2013 20:34

As predicted, contact was made! Not a drunken one but amusingly manipulative:

DIL.... It's interesting..... you did not defend DH yesterday!

Well that's subtle

I am growing weary of this and so replied:

No, I think it is best not to get involved in other people's disputes. As I've said, direct communication between the two parties seems like a much better option.

Passive aggressivity is oozing out of my very pores although if she pushes me any further I will add a statement that 'in the interests of fostering communication and remaining neutral, I have shown all your texts to DH as they have arrived. So you might as well speak to him directly, really'.

Santaspelvicfloor · 13/12/2013 20:56

Either ignore or repeat same thing each time. Every new little angle she will grab hold of and interpret in a twisted way

Meerka · 13/12/2013 21:21

Good stuff :)

She is very likely to turn on you soon, mumof. Start slagging you off to other people. (you know that already, right?). Just be prepared for it, don't be surprised.

She's .. well actually, her texts are kind of funny, if you're not too close to it. the words "desperate to stir it" and "really blatant" come to mind. Hope you don't mind me saying.

VesuviusPoovius · 13/12/2013 21:47

I'd be tempted to keep a stack of responses ready, like "ha ha nice try!" and "really?" If you have to respond.

Meerka · 13/12/2013 21:51

having re-read one of her earlier texts, at this point one option could be

"If you feel you can't speak to him, then I don't think there's anything more I can do".

You might want to consider getting call blocking then dryly

Mintyy · 13/12/2013 21:56

I think all your replies are equally passive aggressive. Roffling at the irony of you not being able to see that you are just exactly like her. They do always say that sons marry their mums.

If you have said that you are going to leave it to her and dh then just leave it to her and dh. Stop engaging and posting all your replies on Mumsnet for validation.

MumofFestiveYuck · 14/12/2013 07:58

Mintyy, I agree that I should probably stop engaging now. However, I am perfectly entitled to post whatever I want whenever I want to. If you don't want to read it then you don't have to (I don't see why you are still here, actually, considering that it offends you so).

She has indeed turned on me now:

But it is your dispute!...you caused the row. You and DH were the main players. It was nothing to do with me...I was a bystander. You and Ben need to communicate directly. This is a matter for the two of you...I just got caught in the crossfire! Scapegoat! You underestimated me!

I think if anyone's the scapegoat here it is me. DH and I got snippy at each other and she eagerly stoked it, we apologised to each other, she kept stoking it, DH lost it and told her off. She doesn't want to believe that he got angry with her and so instead it's all my fault. Right.

I am tempted to set her straight, but that would be the very definition of engaging further so I won't. Instead my response will be something like "Really?! I am not engaging with you any further on this. Please do not contact me on this subject again."

Groog. I'm too busy for this crap.

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