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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has had a shouting match with MIL - advice please

110 replies

HowlerMonkey · 24/09/2013 08:00

This happened last night. I'd had a long day and was sad/tired, he'd had a long day and was just tired, she was staying with us and had had (by her own admission) a lovely day of shopping.

I had an argument with DH over something trivial, where we both did our share of stomping. She looked on in horror. I then ate dinner with her while he settled the kids upstairs and she kept on saying 'oh isn't it DREADFUL' in that way people do when they're loving the drama. I tried to get her to drop the subject but she kept com7ng back to it. Finally DH came back down and we settled things amicably. But she kept on saying to him (over his dinner) the same 'dreadful' nonsense. Eventually he lost his patience and had a proper go at her.

He told her she was a poisonous old baggage, that she has a sad lonely existence, that she has driven a wedge between him and his brother - lots of stuff like this, including an accusation that she was just stirring because she loves drama and causing discord (I happen to agree with him). I kept trying to stop them both from speaking but I didn't manage to stop them before enough damage had been caused.

She had a fit of hysterics, seemed really upset and frightened by the fact that SHE was the target ('I've seen him talk to girlfriends like that, but never ME' Hmm) and basically insisted on leaving - I had to call her a cab and book her a room elsewhere ('oh I'm so FRIGHTENED, please help me').

Anyway. I have told DH that whilst I understand his annoyance - and I do, as I think he was entirely correct - I don't approve of him shouting at her and that I think his behaviour was poor and that he owes her an apology for shouting. He agrees (a bit reluctantly). He lets rip like this very rarely and i make sure he gets read the riot act immediately afterwards, so he's not just a wanker.

She has sent us a message of 'you nasty cruel bastards' overnight, which seems unfair to me as I was trying to be nice to her.

So. Would you do anything in this situation, or just leave DH to it? I'm worried that he has 40 years of frustration clouding his judgement.

Thanks for any advice and please excuse the typos below, my stupid tablet hates me Angry

.').

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 02/10/2013 21:21

FIL sounds lovely and lucky!!

Good on your DH - I await her reply!

As for this 'window' into your DH's personality. He is right, he does have the right to 'hear' you, but 'be different'. Given both that you know him well & that it's taken THIS long & THIS much provocation for him to set his mother straight, I really, really don't think you have anything to worry about

Original poster
HowlerMonkey · 02/10/2013 21:23

Thanks happystory, I'm feeling quite proud of him at the moment too. That is not quite as patronising as it sounds towards DH!! All I mean is that he started off wanting to just cut her off completely and has now progressed to voluntarily sending her clear, calm messages that spell out his feelings and wishes. He's not intending to take any crap but is willing to give her a chance to improve the relationship. And if she doesn't play along then he will cut her off (with my blessing - I am all for giving people a fair chance but I'm ruthless if I think they are taking the piss after I've extended that chance).

I am personally enjoying the drama now. My life is usually so dull!

Oh and I think you're right, she will SO go down the 'Are you feeling alright DS? ' route.....

OP posts:
Original poster
HowlerMonkey · 02/10/2013 21:24

It might happen chipping, never say never ;)

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 02/10/2013 23:27

Loved both your dh responses. I thought they were very well and eloquently explained. Your mil needs a dose of this medicine. She sounds like drama queen who needs to be brought down to earth. Glad your dh has the guts. I applaud him.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 03/10/2013 00:21

It's a good card to hold Grin

perfectstorm · 03/10/2013 00:39

Yeah, I'd put money on her declaring he's having some sort of breakdown or piteously bewailing her cruel, cruel son fate too.

Good for your DH.

MumofYuck · 12/12/2013 12:47

Hello there, just updating as MIL is being interesting again after a period of keeping her head down.

She texted me a few times saying innocuous nice things, to which I responded nicely. No involvement of DH in this. She texted about her birthday present from me recently and I didn't reply because it was at the end of a conversation and I thought it was a natural leave-off place.

Last night I got this from her:

I can't get away from the fact that DS (i.e. my DH) turned on me (I was an easy target)... he said you were upstairs to get away from me. Why was I made into the scapegoat? The problem was between the two of you.... I was just a simple visitor.... a bystander.!

She's trying to turn it into a scenario where DH didn't have a go at her but was angry at me instead. Fine, she can think that. But I didn't want to spell out that DH was actually angry with her, so simply responded with:

I don't know MIL, you'd have to ask him.

I think this has infuriated her as I then got this:

DIL... I am disappointed that you feel that you can't share your opinion with me about what happened..after all you must have an opinion. I would be surprised if you condone that bullying,menacing behaviour,demonstrating a serious lack of empathy,care and concern. You were a witness to the abuse. I can't imagine that you are proud of him. It is the biggest regret of my life that I chose to visit into that trap for my b'day...I thought I was coming to a safe place. As for speaking to DS...just for him to deliver another tirade..I have to look after myself as am very shaken and ill.

Oh, the pathos. I have shown it to DH because I am categorically not entering into any private discussions with her; she's not my mum and not wholly my problem.

Should I just let the last message go and not bother answering? I appreciate she's probably lonely at Xmas and that bad attention is better than none, but I'm not going to reward this sort of behaviour.

Advice appreciated Smile

MumofYuck · 12/12/2013 12:48

And yes, this is a new username Blush

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2013 12:54

Presumably you are the same poster who wrote the initial post to this thread back in September.

Radio silence is the way to go here. Also she is not your mother thankfully.

She is not lonely, she is badly behaved. Would you put up with this from a friend?. Of course not and family are no different.

If you have not done so I would suggest you start reading Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward so you can further understand the dynamics of what is really going on here.

She is trying to hoover you back into her power and control games again; do not engage at all. You engage at all on any level, you get sucked right back in. Drama like this is too wearying to cope with long term.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/12/2013 13:00

Not answering is probably best; she hasn't even asked a question, just made a statement, and you'd already said she had to ask her son about it so what more can you say? Alternatively you could just change the subject and ask about her wrist or something (presumably it's more or less mended by now).

Mintyy · 12/12/2013 13:11

I think you are loving all of this HowlerMonkey.

This situation is simply one of those that would be viewed entirely differently if your mil was writing about it. I think your mil's texts sound reasonable, tbh.

Mintyy · 12/12/2013 13:12

Why not do the adult thing and write her an honest letter? Or pick up the phone and talk to her.

You don't have to forgive her or get back in contact with her again if you don't want to, but at the moment this all seems like so much tit for tat.

MumofYuck · 12/12/2013 13:31

I am finding it somewhat amusing Mintyy, because it seems to be adhering so closely to the standard script.

I am not getting in touch because I don't want to be involved, frankly. I will probably say something non-commital about how I'm sorry to hear she's feeling ill but that's it. I feel like she's trying to get me on side against DH and that is just not going to fly.

Mintyy · 12/12/2013 13:55

Well its not a funny situation. Sad all round.

Meerka · 12/12/2013 14:29

I would text back either:

"This is between you and XXXX, I hope you two can sort it out"

or

"This is between you and XXXX, I'll let him know how you feel and then I hope you two can sort it out".

The reason to do this is because while you are clearly ok with some minimal contact, you really, really need to avoid getting drawn in. This is very clearly sending the message that your relationship with your DH matters more than with her, and that is a message she needs to get.

These texts are an attempt to drive a wedge between you and him, and you need to put a stop to that and to make it absolutely clear that you will not get drawn in and never will.

She will hate it, but she will have to accept it.

The unspoken message that your loyalty is to your son, not her, is really really important here.

MumofYuck · 12/12/2013 14:36

Mintyy, it may not be the way you would choose to deal with emotionally uncomfortable situations, but it's how DH and I cope. We find the funny and make jokes. It doesn't mean that we don't take it seriously, it's just our coping strategy. Please don't mistake us for heartless bastards because we do care, honestly. I feel bad for the woman but I have a choice between letting her upset me and not. I choose not.

Meerka totally, 100% overwhelming agreement with you there.

HowGoodIsThat · 12/12/2013 14:44

Being stuck in a similar situation at the moment, I would only use Meerka's option A. Option B gives her the tacit agreement that you will be a go-between.

Baaad idea....

Ragwort · 12/12/2013 15:06

Agree that Meerka's first option is best, do not engage with your MIL over this, she sounds totally needy. Are you planning to see her at Christmas?

Why does everything has to be done by text? How long does it take her to text those long paragraphs Hmm? I am so glad my parents have never learned to text, so much easier to discuss things at least on the phone or face to face. Grin.

MumofYuck · 12/12/2013 15:11

She used to phone DH and witter on at him, but doesn't now. He refuses to call her as he flat-out doesn't want to.

She is a bit deaf so can't actually hear me on the phone anyway as I have a higher voice than DH, so not much point in calling her.

Experience with my own mother has taught me not to be open and honest with people like this as they seize upon every item of information you give them and try to use it to hurt you/help themselves.

Argh.

Ragwort · 12/12/2013 15:22

I think you need to say firmly (and loudly) - let's draw a line under what's happened, DH has apologised for losing his temper, now what would you like for Christmas' Grin. If she keeps going on about it, you have to keep reiterating 'I am not discussing this anymore'.

How old is she, out of interest, she sounds like a needy teenager?

MumofYuck · 12/12/2013 15:31

Right, I have just texted the following:

I'm sorry to hear that you're ill. However, if you are upset with DH then you need to talk to him, not me. I hope you feel better soon.

She'll HATE that, because I'm not feeding the drama Grin

She's in her late sixties by the way, and VERY dramatic.....

Meerka · 12/12/2013 15:51

oh Option B could be more clearly phrased, yes. I actually meant completely the opposite of being a go-between sorry.

Revised version: "This is between you and XXXX. I'll show him your text so that you and he can sort it out".

Saying you will showing him the text makes it absolutely clear that she cannot manipulate one of you by saying divisive things and that you will not stand for nasty criticism of your husband behind his back. She criticised her son extensively in that second text of hers and tried to get you on her side. She won't want him seeing that. But showing him the text will pull the sheet from under her divisiveness, call her bluff and send a very strong message indeed that if you deal with one of you and your husband, you deal with both. She will hate it, but she'll not be able to avoid realising it.

It's putting things out in the open, which is a strong message. Hence the slightly softer Option A.

One of the few effective strategies with manipulators is to put everything out in the open where secrets, twisted things and manipulations cannot be hidden. (Incidently one of the others is to record absolutely everything. Amazing what happens when you see the full record after a year).

Meerka · 12/12/2013 15:52

oh cross post :) that was beautifully clear -and- tactful, mumofyuck

Santaspelvicfloor · 12/12/2013 16:02

Good reply. How difficult can family be!

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 12/12/2013 16:12

Sounds like she wanted to get you to slag off your husband to her.
I bet step 2 there would have been to show it to him
see, even your wife thinks you have treated me badly.

this is no change in her behaviour, it is a continuation of it.

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