Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has had a shouting match with MIL - advice please

110 replies

HowlerMonkey · 24/09/2013 08:00

This happened last night. I'd had a long day and was sad/tired, he'd had a long day and was just tired, she was staying with us and had had (by her own admission) a lovely day of shopping.

I had an argument with DH over something trivial, where we both did our share of stomping. She looked on in horror. I then ate dinner with her while he settled the kids upstairs and she kept on saying 'oh isn't it DREADFUL' in that way people do when they're loving the drama. I tried to get her to drop the subject but she kept com7ng back to it. Finally DH came back down and we settled things amicably. But she kept on saying to him (over his dinner) the same 'dreadful' nonsense. Eventually he lost his patience and had a proper go at her.

He told her she was a poisonous old baggage, that she has a sad lonely existence, that she has driven a wedge between him and his brother - lots of stuff like this, including an accusation that she was just stirring because she loves drama and causing discord (I happen to agree with him). I kept trying to stop them both from speaking but I didn't manage to stop them before enough damage had been caused.

She had a fit of hysterics, seemed really upset and frightened by the fact that SHE was the target ('I've seen him talk to girlfriends like that, but never ME' Hmm) and basically insisted on leaving - I had to call her a cab and book her a room elsewhere ('oh I'm so FRIGHTENED, please help me').

Anyway. I have told DH that whilst I understand his annoyance - and I do, as I think he was entirely correct - I don't approve of him shouting at her and that I think his behaviour was poor and that he owes her an apology for shouting. He agrees (a bit reluctantly). He lets rip like this very rarely and i make sure he gets read the riot act immediately afterwards, so he's not just a wanker.

She has sent us a message of 'you nasty cruel bastards' overnight, which seems unfair to me as I was trying to be nice to her.

So. Would you do anything in this situation, or just leave DH to it? I'm worried that he has 40 years of frustration clouding his judgement.

Thanks for any advice and please excuse the typos below, my stupid tablet hates me Angry

.').

OP posts:
mummytime · 26/09/2013 10:57

I think you need to find out if it is a break, just for your peace of mind. (I would suspect more likely a "bad sprain", as that is easier for people not to be able to quantify.) Has she had an X-ray?

Original poster
HowlerMonkey · 26/09/2013 14:11

Unfortunately there is no-one we can ask. DBIL lives an hour away from her, we live 4 hours away and she has systematically distanced herself from everybody else in the world her town by now - hence DH's cruel yet accurate remark about her lonely life.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowlerMonkey · 26/09/2013 14:12

I do think she has done something to herself, but it's probably a result of her getting in a flap due to all the stress and acting clumsy. So not exactly DH's fault, but it will be turned into his fault.

I shouldn't text her to register concern, should I.

OP posts:
PedlarsSpanner · 26/09/2013 14:17

How have you found out about the wrist?

Original poster
HowlerMonkey · 26/09/2013 19:44

She was apparently well enough to text DBIL to inform him that she'd done it. DBIL then texted DH.

I am half contemplating texting her but acknowledge that I'd HATE it if DH did the same to me (i.e. if I were having a row with my mother).

OP posts:
Divinity · 26/09/2013 19:57

Ah she's using your DBIL as a 'flying monkey' (wizard of oz reference) in that he's doing her dirty work of making you and your DH feel guilty so you will drop any argument and be nice to her again.

Divinity · 26/09/2013 19:58

Very manipulative eh?

BarbarianMum · 26/09/2013 20:08

She's being manipulative and you need to keep out of it. Honestly.

MissStrawberry · 26/09/2013 20:47

I think you need to step right away. His mother, his issue.

eatmydust · 26/09/2013 20:51

Agree you need to keep out of it now and not contact. She is being manipulative and also it is for DH to make the contact if he wants, don't undermine him if he doesn't.

Original poster
HowlerMonkey · 26/09/2013 22:31

Alright, I'll be good. Even though I do think several of his remarks were cruel and unnecessary. Not untrue, but unkind :( I've never thought of him as deliberately vindictive before. It's not nice to see or think.

OP posts:
cjel · 26/09/2013 22:56

Oh dear, Trouble is its really had to ignore things like broken wrists isn't it?Confused

TheFuzz · 27/09/2013 12:37

It's only a broken wrist, no big deal. She has the other one !

pootlebug · 27/09/2013 12:42

I suspect the broken wrist will turn out to be a 'bad sprain' once x-rayed.... Don't rush into action to do anything differently, especially not until you know more.

OnceUponAThyme · 27/09/2013 12:49

from my experience with Dh and his mother, its best to keep out of it. your dh will decide how he wants to handle this and any further contact. your mother in law (if anything like mine) would love to be the centre of an argument between you, and will be seeking ways to pile on the guilt.

Josie1974 · 27/09/2013 13:38

HM - I have suffered a lifetime of parenting from a completely selfish mother and while your dh's response may seem OTT to someone who has a normal mother, it seems perfectly understandable to me.

I have so much deep seated anger and bitterness inside me towards her that I know if I ever got an opportunity to let her have it , it would not be a pretty sight. But I know if that happened my DH would 100% support me and understand me. I would be gutted if he didn't...

Worriedkat · 27/09/2013 14:38

happystory oh my goodness I never imagined I'd ever meet someone else who's situation resonated so much. My mother used to sulk, blame my job and say I'd become so hard. It was always over some perceived slight or something trivial, but she used to make me feel terribly guilty by punishing me (stonewalling etc).

No idea why, I'm not that bad a daughter. She died 5 years ago and while we were close and I miss her, I don't miss the confusion over what I did that was so bad. I really wonder if I had the FOG, but didn't know it.

DistanceCall · 27/09/2013 15:50

I don't think your husband was cruel or vindictive. People with normal parents and families really find it hard to understand what it's like to have a toxic parent.

Your husband sounds like someone who put up with a lot for a very long time, then lost it, and is generally a reasonable, good person (hence his apologising but not grovelling). I think he would be grateful for your support.

Original poster
HowlerMonkey · 27/09/2013 22:18

I do get the toxic parent aspect; prettysure my own mother is a narc. My dad once told me that she treated me so badly because I didn't defend myself properly. When I was 5 Hmm

So suffice it to say, I get it. I just don't think that two wrongs make a right; I have never given my mother the verbal thrashing she richly deserves because I believe that would make me as bad as her, and my whole self-image pretty much centres around NOT being like her. I think that's why I'm so uncomfortable with DH reacting the way he has. I am so concerned with not losing that control that it is very strange to see him not care about it.

I have discussed this with him (we are professional navel-gazers) and he does understand my point, whilst cheerfully defending his right to be entirely different to me Grin

I also worry about his defense of 'if I'm angry with someone then they probably deserve it'. I get angry with people cats, cars, shoes, etc all the time, so I have always got it in my head that if I'm angry then there is a chance it's me being irrational and not them being annoying. He doesn't seem to have that safety filter. What if one day he flies off the handle and treats me like that, on the basis that 'I must deserve it because otherwise he wouldn't be angry'?

I may be overthinking this. I am leaving him to deal with his own mum/family but am interested in the new window onhis personality this has shown.

OP posts:
Letsadmitit · 27/09/2013 22:43

This sounds familiar. My mother can be awfully unkind, remarkably rude and brutally tactless. But the moment you complain about her behaviour she starts crying and becomes the victim. However, if you ignore her being the victim drama, she gets back to full aggression mode within a couple of minutes.

Letsadmitit · 27/09/2013 22:44

So my advice, concentrate on your husband, as serious as this my looks for your MIL is just another day of drama.

perfectstorm · 27/09/2013 23:28

Frankly, I think she had it coming and it was probably hugely cathartic for your DH to finally voice it. And while I understand your anxiety, I think your own issues with your family and (very laudable!) determination to overcome them is in your way here. She got what she came for after what appears to be years of provocation. He deserves support because this must be hard, at least at some level. And honestly if she does drop you all, would that be so bad? She doesn't sound a great loss tbh.

perfectstorm · 27/09/2013 23:28

Not that I think she will ever be that obliging long-term, I might add!

Original poster
HowlerMonkey · 02/10/2013 15:52

Anyone who's still interested might be amused by this.

DH got in touch with MIL (begrudgingly) saying he heard she'd had a fall. She responded saying she'd broken her wrist. He 'forgot' to reply (so he says).

Last night she sent me a text (having forgotten that she was never going to talk to me again) thanking me for my kindness on that terrible night and, coincidentally, filling me in on her injury status in case I was unaware of same. Gosh, I bet that was accidental.

I showed it to DH immediately upon receipt and, after 20 minutes of berating her existence, he voluntarily sent her a long text to the effect of:

I don't hate you but I really dislike this behaviour (gives examples)
Please stop trying to divide and conquer
It would be nice to have a better relationship with you where you don't do such and such
I do love you but not this behaviour

I have been trying to encourage him to view it as toddler behavioural training for OAPs. I'm not sure he's buying it.

Is it terrible of me to be enjoying the accuracy with which she adheres to the script of manipulative behaviour?! Grin

Oh and she has also involved FIL (her ex). Fortunately FIL is awesome extremely sensible and won't take her nonsense, but in a ridiculously laid-back way so she doesn't realise until it's too late.

OP posts:
happystory · 02/10/2013 17:01

I'm interested! I admire your Dh. He is finally coming clean about his feelings, but without being nasty. He's saying lots of things I would like to say and which swirl round my head a lot. I wait with bated breath to hear what mils response is, bet its either ' what have I done to deserve this?'
Or 'there's something wrong with (your Dh) he seems so stressed.'

Swipe left for the next trending thread