My husband is on grindr. I need some hugs and advice

[bonniescot123]

Hello. Hands shaking. Today I found my DH on Grindr.Without a doubt it is him. Posing in our ensuite bathroom. Confronted him. Says it is not him but refuses to let me see his phone. He is refusing to talk to me. Two children. 7 and 10. I am 43. Dont know what to do. Please some advice.

[Whyme123]

I have just read your post. I too found out three months ago that my husband that I'd been with for 27 years had been cheating on me with men for over ten years. I know exactly what you're going through. I wish I could say "it will get better" or some of the other things that people say, but I can't as I am not at that point yet. I have cried so much over the last couple of months and often struggle to get myself out of the black hole that I feel I'm in. Do you have children? If so, they will be your reason to try and be strong. I hope that you have good family and friends round about you. Lean on the for support. I don't know whether this has been a bolt out of the blue for you as it was for me but I can truly say that no one understands what you are going through unless they too have experienced the pain of this situation. If I can be of any help then I will

[Whyme123]

Btw make sure you get yourself checked out for STD's/HIV/Hepatitis. I am currently awaiting my three months check for HIV which if negative means I'm free of that worry but Hepatitis can take up to six months to show up so I have another three month wait for that test.

[omg100]

hi yes I have children well actually one of them is now an adult but suffers severe panic attacks i'm just trying to hold everything together all we have said to the kids is that we are splitting up and I see the anxiety in the elder ones body, god knows how they will react when the truth comes out, we are trying desperately to make this as easy for them as possible and not financially bankrupt us! he assures me that I wont have caught anything as the bedroom department has been barren for quite some time. I just thought he was suffering from depression after loosing his job this is just the biggest shock and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse !

[Whyme123]

Hi OMG100.
Definitely get yourself checked out for HIV/STI's. My children are 15, 18 and 20 and know the whole story apart from all the sordid details that I read on his Grindr chats. The girls know bits and pieces of the sordid stuff but my son doesn't as he has taken it all very badly and I want to shield him from just exactly what his father has been doing. The money side of things will be a big worry for you as they have bee for me. I had to get myself another job as I was only working part time and now that I have benefits in place, I am coping at the moment as he has agreed to pay the mortgage till my son leaves education. Find out exactly what benefits you are entitled to and get the ball rolling as quickly as possible. I know that it will be difficult as your head will be all over the place, but try to get this stuff dealt with. I broke down several times whilst on the phone to benefit agencies etc. Is your husband saying that he wants to continue the marriage or dies he want you to split? My husband wants us to get back together as he says that he regrets what he's done and doesn't want these men over me!! As if it's that easy. I do however miss him terribly and I am struggling very much at times with loneliness. I have started counselling too. Maybe that might help you? See what help is available for your son to help him cope with this terrible situation. Maybe counselling for him too?

[Houseofmirth66]

A possibility worth considering is that he is posting but not acting on any responses. One of the most surprising things about the recent Ashley Madison expose is that there were millions of male profiles but only a few hundred genuine female posters - the rest were just fakes posted up by the company to keep the guys interested. Which means the percentage of guys actually engaging in affairs was tiny. Your husband may be just looking - still obviously a serious cause for concern - but it may not be as terrible as you're thinking.

[omg100]

thanks everyone for your advise, my husband will be leaving the home in the next 2 weeks, yes he has been with other men and no I haven't caught anything, the kids have not been told everything because they are struggling knowing we are splitting up that will come out at a later date, I now need to get a job and then see what benefits im entitled to, my husband will pay all the bills for 2 years until kids finish education and he will not be turning his back on them ,I suppose I must be grateful for that! So im not panicking about money just yet, im still screwed up in my head. I have a strong family and good friends around me despite them all wanting to rip his head off

[Twins66]

I too have found myself in this situation over the wkend. Devastation doesn't touch it but I still love him. I haven't made a decision yet I need bit of time and space. My worry is if we try to get over this we will be living a lie, even though as they have all said they are not gay or bi it's just a dirty sex secret. I haven't told anyone as I'm just as ashamed as he is and I wouldn't out him as I'm not that person. I think you are all strong women and you are making decisions on what is best for you and your families. I'm glad my twins are too young to understand. It is good to know there are others In the same boat. X

[Ben40s]

I'm sorry to say that I have been the husband in this situation some years ago (although I ended up confessing to my wife - am amazing woman who I love very much) the impact on women in this situation is devastating and I am in no position really to advise other than to say that get as much support as you can - and take a look at bonnie Kaye's site www.gayhusbands.com and book which - she has counselled many women through this terrible time and also has some insight on what the husbands in this situation go through - of course it's not all about us and ultimately our fault but it is hugely difficult and painful for everyone involved - but you can come through it

[gedrich]

My partner and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. I have two children from a previous relationship and we have a 4 month old together. He has never been interested in sex and rarely (I could count on one hand) instigates sex. This has been a huge problem between us throughout to the point that we have almost separated because of it several times. I've felt insecure as a result. It's that bad I have asked him several times if he is gay. He struggles to maintain an erection and during sex is fairly inactive leaving it all to me. He then complains that it's 'too formal' when I get upset about his lack of interest and he has told me over and over that he prefers to masturbate because there's 'less pressure'.

When our daughter was 8 weeks old I snooped on his iPad (which, along with his phone is constantly with him) and found he had screenshotted messages and a profile pic of a women he had been on tinder. He was telling her that our relationship was 'uphill' and sending kissing emojis. He says he deleted tinder after 4 days and was only talking to this one women and feels very sorry etc. Two months later apparently I should stop going on about it and move on.

Last week I had another look (yes I know I shouldn't) and I checked his App Store. I found that he had at one time downloaded Grindr.

He says that like me, he has wondered why he isn't that interested in sex and so decided to, perhaps - he can't remember for sure conveniently, download Grindr to see if he was but that he has never been attracted to a man and actually loves watching lesbian porn (great, another confidence boost).

I've explained to him that Grindr isn't gay porn, it's a hook up site. He says he can't remember doing it.

I have no idea what to do. What I do know is that every time I leave the house with him or without him I'm so anxious. Who's he looking at, what's he doing on his phone, etc etc. I can't live like this.

Ps he ha changed his iPad passcode twice since then as I should be snooping and my snooping is what has caused all this.

Help.

[Anonymousperson]

Zombie

[ConcreteUnderpants]

Reported

[April229]

I'm so sorry it must be a terrible shock.

Before you talk to him decide what you want. Are you prepared to stay together or is it over for you? You probably need to decide that before you can do anything.

Why do you need to print out a picture, you know it's him, it didn't matter if he admits it or not it won't change the fact that he is in the picture or whether you want him to leave or not, right?

[ConcreteUnderpants]

gedrich, not got time to post a helpful message now, but I do suggest you cut and paste and create your own new thread.
Hopefully then, you will get some good.advice and support x

[ChristinaParsons]

Please don't listen when he offers to pay until your children leave. Mine promised the same. 10 months down the line he has met someone else and he pays for nothing

[VioletsAreViolet]

OP, I found out my ex fiance was on Gaydar when he left his email logged in on our shared computer. I confronted him and his excuse for doing it was that I "wasn't being very nice to him" WTF??!

He had never been particularly interested in sex with me at any point during our 4 year relationship. Even on the rare occasions he did initiate it, there was no real passion. I'd even asked him straight out about his sexuality and he swore he was straight and it annoyed him that people assumed he was gay just because he worked in a creative profession with lots of women.

Time and time again I tried to get to the bottom of what was wrong and never got a direct answer. It completely shattered my self esteem and led me to blame myself - that I was unattractive / had put on weight, etc ... my self esteem was so low that I actually forgave him at first, but then I found out by doing some more digging through his emails that the length of time he'd been on Gaydar actually predated our relationship!

At that point I kicked him out and have never seen him or had anything to do with him again. 3 months later I met my wonderful husband who I have now been with for 5 happy years. I count my lucky stars that I found out about my ex before I married him.

I really feel for you OP - being married with kids and having to go through this must be horrendous. Please stay strong and stick to your resolve - you will thank yourself for it in the long run x

[VioletsAreViolet]

Gah, just seen the the original post was 10 months ago!!

[Layla1234567]

My husband is using Grindr and when I asked him why he said he's bored .i asked him to stop
He told me he will but he kept using it secritly . Dose that mean he's gay or bi? And he met guys from the website.

[user1495832265]

Fucking zombies being resurrected once a year. When will MN do something about this? What happened to the little cartoon zombie?

Layla, I recommend that you start your own thread. This thread was started four years ago. Nobody wants to read through 173 messages before they get to your post and then start to follow your story and advise you.

[Layla1234567]

How can I do that ?

[jm42]

This man has put your health at serious risk, go get yourself checked out asap . It's humiliating but very necessary. Tell him to get out & get a divorce. You know enough already without having to ask any more questions. Gather as much evidence ie screenshot/photos and get yourself a good lawyer.
So sorry for you ... big hugs and know you deserve much better .