My husband is on grindr. I need some hugs and advice

[bonniescot123]

Hello. Hands shaking. Today I found my DH on Grindr.Without a doubt it is him. Posing in our ensuite bathroom. Confronted him. Says it is not him but refuses to let me see his phone. He is refusing to talk to me. Two children. 7 and 10. I am 43. Dont know what to do. Please some advice.

If you can get your lawyer to request it or the police (sorry...what it he infected you KNOWINGLY?). Ask them to contact Grinder for trace logs and do a forensic. Also, I would so nicely threaten to dob him into his employers if he continues to tell you to fuck off. Not sure how smart your dp but not as smart as IT geeks who could do a quick forensic analysis!!

OP so sorry to hear what you're going through. I would also try and voice record him when he is being nasty to you, leave your phone on the side perhaps, not to trap him but if he does say anything unpleasant, you have something to remind yourself of what a dick he is. What made you look for him on this website?

The Op did explain in her earlier posts that she had her suspicions and downloaded the app on her phone. I think she is going through enough without being asked the same things over that she has already explained. Come on, its not a long thread, read it.
no-one said she had been infected with anything or that he had actually done anything but it was his intention. Just because it is gay sex doesn't make it worse than hetro sex. Same stis. Sorry Op. I hope you got some sleep?

She downloaded the gridr app on her own phone and he came up as he was in the same house as she was suspicious its in the first pages of the thread

if you think.the op is a troll then report the thread, dont come on here troll hunting

If you think a sensitive thread is a wind-up, report it with the handy little button to the right. Don't risk distressing someone who may be entirely genuine by speculating on their own thread. That's MN policy... and surely also common sense/basic human decency?

Troll hunting is against the rules.

Grindr is an application that works by locating other users in your proximity. So if OP downloaded the app and her husband was logged in, it would tell her another user was nearby- i.e. in the living room or whatever, and show her his profile and pictures. It would have been very easy for her to find his profile if he was on there. Which was why she was upset that he must have been logged on to the app on the way home to his family.

Morning, hope you got some sleep last night. First things to do today. Tell someone in rl that you are splitting up to you what you tell them but this is not a shameful thing for you to hide, its his not yours. Make appt with very good solicitor, they are usually offering 1st session free so it won't cost anything.
Get some support for yourself while going through this, it will feel less scary with a hand to hold.xx

When I read the first post, I felt sorry for your husband. It's such a complicated secret to hold for so long. I understand why he's lashing out, but his anger towards the OP is impossible to excuse.

Also, I think the advice from cookie and CheeseAndFriedMushrooms is a bit crazy.

Why did you download the app though? It would never, ever occur to me to think, 'hmmm, I wonder if my hubby is on gay hookup sites' - so something must have triggered this for you.

Hope you are ok as can be this morning.
Lots of good advice on here.
Friend went thru similar and found support from an organisation called FLAG and a website for straight spouses.

Thinking of you Op.

The op said she had an idea, that is why she downloaded the app. She doesn't need to explain that. If you are unsure google "how do I know my husband is gay?". Gay men in hetro relationships tend to give out massive clues.
The OP needs constructive advice.

Morning. I didnt get much sleep last night. Have spoken to a good friend (well sobbed) and I needed a good cry. Still v wobbly and dont think I will be able to go to work this week unless I can compose myself.. DH was more subdued this morning and we did not speak other than when I said I wanted to take the children to school. That was difficult but nice to have a bit of normality. Have got GUM slot later in week. I cant face going today. My work offers a confidential legal service so I am going to call this morning just to get some guidance. I dont want to go all guns blazing with solicitor less than 12 hours after finding out. I will check out FLAG as well.

I posted to get some advice and comfort. AndI really appreciate the support.

Oh no holding your hand offering tea and a hug or I have gin

Don't know what to say other then that you are not alone x

So pleased you have unloaded to a friend,think a week off work is a good idea to try and sort out your feelings. legal advice, GUM and Flag sound brilliant. hand holding here still.x

Thank you cjel. x

So sorry you are going through bonnie
Is there any chance you get away this week to visit your family up North?
Leave him to it and get yourself some support and head space?
If not, then pack him a bag today and ask him to leave you alone for a while so you can figure out what you want to do.
Don't listen to him blaming you. YOU are not the reason he is gay!
You need love and support and space right now.
Cry all you like - it helps to get it all out!
and for you!

Hang on in there, Bonnie. This is horrendous but it will pass and life will be great again.

GUM and legal advice sound a good idea. Please try to eat today, too - you'll feel even worse if you don't. Soup can be good when you're in shock; easy to eat and very digestible. Sleep when you can, too, so you recharge your batteries a little.

Thanks Perfectstorm. At this moment I cant see it getting much worse unless I have an STD. I dont know for a fact if he has done the deed but his profile message indicated he has and was actively lookinf for a nice ass. There have been signs over the years and he has always denied and made me feel paranoid. We continued to have a physical relationship. I do feel sad for him. For us both and the kids. He is being a complete dick but I still love him. I need him to speak to me so we can at least agree to have some time apart but cant force him. I cant really go home this weekend. My dad is 74 and I dont really want to burden him and the kids have school. I dont want to disrupt their little lives. What a heartbreaking bloody mess.

Call someone. Your mum. A friend. Can you go out and visit someone for support?

Oh, sorry, scrap that. I thought I was reading latest messages.

Take care.