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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

My husband is on grindr. I need some hugs and advice

176 replies

bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 21:13

Hello. Hands shaking. Today I found my DH on Grindr.Without a doubt it is him. Posing in our ensuite bathroom. Confronted him. Says it is not him but refuses to let me see his phone. He is refusing to talk to me. Two children. 7 and 10. I am 43. Dont know what to do. Please some advice.

OP posts:

Report

bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 21:59

Yes I dont need to see the phone. He has gone up to bed but made time to say a few more nasty comments. I cant see how we recover from this. Why cant he just admit it. Got work tonorrow. Dont know what to do. He normally takes kids to school. Dont know how to get a snapshot of his photo. Kids are blissfully unaware and fast asleep. When ge spoke there waa so much venom in his voice and he blames me.

OP posts:

Hopasholic · 23/09/2013 22:00

How dare he fucking slope off to bed? I'd go and chuck a bucket of iced water over him and tell him to pack his bags. So sorry OP. What a bastard.

hermioneweasley · 23/09/2013 22:01

What a horrible situation. The shock of finding out, and now him being horrible. I think the usual advice is to get copies of all the financials and see a solicitor ASAP. If there are a few good ones, I woukd see them all and then (I think) they can't represent your husband even if you don't use them.

Do you have a spare room one of you can move into?

And, yes, as you've said, you need to get to the GUM clinic.

NONE of this is your fault or responsibility.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 23/09/2013 22:02

Blames you? How dare he!

Do you have a PC? There is a simple way to take a screenshot but I'm not sure how. Or just a photo taken with your phone of the page. Do it now if you can, before he deletes it.

hermioneweasley · 23/09/2013 22:02

He blames you? For him uploading a photo of himself onto a site for anonymous gay sex? I can't see that holding up in court!

karinmaria · 23/09/2013 22:04

Go back onto his profile on the website on a PC and hit the 'print screen' button. Then open Word or PowerPoint and paste. The screen you were looking at will paste as a picture. Email it to yourself!

If you've only got it on your phone can someone help with the screenshot as I've no idea how to do that?

Big hug. He's showing his true colours it seems.

something2say · 23/09/2013 22:04

I think avoid talking to him for a while. Like, you be the one to get out of the room to avoid hearing what he says.

I bet he doesn't mean the things he is saying but feels his back is against the wall and he is lashing right out.

That doesn't of course excuse him being terrible in the things he says, more that he is as shocked as you are and is firing all cylinders. Therefore get thee out of the firing line and let tempers subside.

Then it probably seems like he will have to move out or something while you gather your wits.

Have you got a glass of anything strong you could drink? Or sweet tea?

RemoteControlledChaos · 23/09/2013 22:04

Simple way to get screenshot is the wee "prt sc" (print screen) key top rightish (sorry if you know this)

How awful OP, so sorry you are going through this. Hugs.

RemoteControlledChaos · 23/09/2013 22:06

That was to add to Karin's post...

Pennies · 23/09/2013 22:08

If you have an iphone:

Press and hold down Home (round button center bottom of screen)
Press and release Sleep (top right button of phone)

2a. You will hear a camera-like shutter sound
2b. Release Home button

Screenshot is in photo album

TwerkingNineToFive · 23/09/2013 22:09

He is angry and bitter. In his mind everything was fine until you dared to find out. He will feel ashamed too and he knows everyone will find out and that most likely you will LTB.
He has no right to be angry with you but I can understand why someone like him would be very defensive. What a cock!

perfectstorm · 23/09/2013 22:10

He's lashing out because that's the second stage when caught bang to rights, after denial fails. It is NOT you. You are NOT responsible for his being either gay or bisexual. And it does NOT invalidate your history or the love you very clearly DID share.

My suspicion is that he's terrified and humiliated, and that tends to make people very, very angry. He's living a double life and it just collapsed in on him.

I'm afraid I do think you need to see a solicitor tomorrow. And if you have a PC then you need to fire it up and save that screenshot. And I'm really sorry, but as you don't know how careful he's been, as with all men using casual hookup arrangements you do need a full STI check asap. (If you go to a GUM clinic at your hospital it won't ever appear on your medical notes that you've been tested, which can be useful in insurance terms, I believe?)

Pennies · 23/09/2013 22:12

What Twerking said just now is correct, and you can use it as a bargaining tool. Say you'll be happy to just go for a quickie divorce and keep schtum if he is co-operative, polite and civil to you. Otherwise you'll tell the world his secrets.

Unexpected · 23/09/2013 22:12

You really must get a screen shot of his pic tonight because he will delete his account, if he hasn't already done so while he was in the kitchen.

perfectstorm · 23/09/2013 22:12

instructions on how to take screenshots on Galaxy phones.

bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 22:13

Oh. I will try to be strong. I am worried he is going to make me out to be some kind of deranged woman. If only he could have shown an ounce of compassion but no it is all bile. Can I throw him out or does he have to leave. Despite what has happened he is a great dad and DC's will be devastated. All my family are in Scotland (I live on London). And I am too ashamed to tell anyone in real world about this.

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 23/09/2013 22:17

Unfortunately you can't throw him out, but he may be willing to do pretty much whatever you want if you say you don't want this to get out either. However seeing a solicitor and then making the earliest possible appointment for a mediator is a very good start.

If you screenshot that profile, he can't make you out to be anything other than a betrayed wife.

Can I ask, are you primary carer of the kids?

CookieDoughKid · 23/09/2013 22:19

Op. You are in shock. Your brain is trying to rationalise this and you still in some way don't want to face the thought of a broken marriage. Try and get some rest tonight if you can. Tomorrow, make two phone calls, GUM clinic and solicitors.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

There is a much better life than where you are now than living with a deceitful coward.

You hold the cards here to his reputation, finances , child access, everything. He knows it and will try to bully u into submission.

There are no winners here but it's time to fight back like a mother fucking bitch because if he is going to continue denying and disrespecting you like this a) you're not going to stand for it and b) you going to aim high for compensation.

Trust me when I say you will get through this.

impatienttobemummy · 23/09/2013 22:22

What phone do you have so we can find out how you can screenshot?

CookieDoughKid · 23/09/2013 22:25

Plus don't be ashamed!! My god I would have field day with all the threats if your dh was mine!! Why can't op throw him out? I would!! I think your dh would want to do everything to comply so you could keep that dirty little secret schtum!!

tearoomtrash · 23/09/2013 22:28

I think he will be acting very differently in the morning.

bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 22:29

His profile pic has gone. So not only am I a shit wife who has driven her DH to men but cant even get the bloody evidence and it will be my word against his. I guess though he doesnt know I dont have printed evidence. I work 4 days and finish at 5.00 DH does morning drop off and we have a part time nanny to collect kids from school mon to thurs. He earns a lot more money than me. He is very successful. I took a back step career wise when we had kids. Financially though he has upper hand. I have no savings.

OP posts:

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bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 22:30

Sorry I am rambling now.

OP posts:

rumtumtugger · 23/09/2013 22:31

Poor you. He is a selfish idiot, endangering your health. Hugs to you, stay strong.

Cosydressinggown · 23/09/2013 22:40

He is an idiot if he now still expects to deny it - oh what a coincidence that the profile pic was gone just after your row? Don't let him ever, ever make you doubt what you saw. Have a look on the internet at some other sites if you can bear to. Wait till he's asleep and get his phone, too.

I'm truly shocked that he is trying to turn this on you.

What the hell does he expect to happen now?

Hand holding.

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