My husband is on grindr. I need some hugs and advice

[bonniescot123]

Hello. Hands shaking. Today I found my DH on Grindr.Without a doubt it is him. Posing in our ensuite bathroom. Confronted him. Says it is not him but refuses to let me see his phone. He is refusing to talk to me. Two children. 7 and 10. I am 43. Dont know what to do. Please some advice.

[KateSMumsnet]

Ahem - rules about troll hunting

Wishing you the best OP

[cjel]

Just take care of yourself today, eat, cry, stare at the wall, daytime tv - whatever, I wouldn't waste any more of your life trying to find out what his is!! concentrate on you and your dcs.xx

[bonniescot123]

Whatever happens now I have decided that trying find other proof is 1) just going to upset me and waste my valuable time; 2) DH is in denial and I cant see that changing and 3) I dont think any extra evidence is going to make any difference. He can still defend adultery if I file for divorce on those grounds. So in attempt to take some control and after a helpful chat with a family lawyerthis morning Ihave sent an email to DH so we can properly discuss our options. He has actually responded and hopefully we can sort things out at some level. I am determined to maintain my dignity and try to keep things as civil as possible. I am the innocent party, he can rant all he likes but this is HIS issue and my priority now is the kids and myself. The comments from you all have been a godsend. Xx

[PeppermintPasty]

Good for you bonnie. I really really hope it's as stress free for you as is humanly possible in the circs. Well done on seeing a lawyer so quickly, you are really impressive (even if you don't feel it right now )

[impatienttobemummy]

I second the above post you are impressive! Your keeping your head and your dignity when noone would blame you for lashing out at him with all you've got. You and your chidren are the priority and maintaining your lifestyles which your solicitor will help with. Make sure you get all that you are due from this marriage as you say, this is not your fault.

[BeCool]

What a HUGE shock. Bonnie I want to simply offer support and say you sound amazing and you have a very wise, sound plan in place.
Remember we are here for you.

[cjel]

well done Bonnie, I did exactly the same when i discoverd OW, stay calm and in control - do what you want and get on with it. He tried to argue with me over settlement etc but I knew what I was suggesting was right and despite him getting so bad I had to call police , I just ploughed on with what was fair and going to happen.I kept repeating - I refuse to fall out with you over this, you can argue or agree but it will happen and I won't fall out with you. I kept my cool and it was resolved quickly and smoothly.Not saying I didn't feel wrecked - were together 35 years! the tears and weeping and wailing felt they would never stop somedays, but never in front of him. Wasting energy and time arguing doesn't help anything. still hand holding here.x

[Buzzardbird]

Well done Bonnie, you are being incredibly strong ( I know you don't feel like you are, but you are).
You are right, a witch hunt is not going to change any facts, it will just hurt you more.
Lean on your friends and when they are not available there is always some of us on-line, even in the middle of the night (usually me).
When he starts to see sense perhaps he could think of a way that he is going to break it to your children that he is in the wrong.

[bonniescot123]

I am going to take a bit of time off MN now to get head straight (at least I will try), focus on kids. They will be home with nanny soon from school and are getting a Huge Hug. I need to sort out my puffy eyes and blotchy face and coffee breath before they come in. I feel sick, got knots in tummy but this is Day 1! I will update when life settles down. It is good to know I can post here and get advice and support. X

[whitsernam]

Bonnie -

You sound really wise, level-headed, strong. Just keep both feet on the ground and don't let anyone sway you into doing something you don't believe in yourself. Let your gut instincts guide you. Sending you support,

[cjel]

All the best Bonnie, be here if you need mexx

[perfectstorm]

I think you sound very, very sensible/sane/dignified, for what that's worth. And though I understand why some people emotionally need to divorce for adultery, I think it's best avoided if possible, really. The other grounds are less likely to end in perpetual bitterness.

It's just so sad he isn't willing to risk trusting in your love for him and be honest with you. I get the feeling you'd be as supportive as possible - more than he deserves - and it might actually be better for him, as well as you, if he stopped this rubbish. Sigh.

MN is here for you any time you need.

[CookieDoughKid]

Well done Bonnie!! Take care! Let us know how u get on!

[hermioneweasley]

I am so impressed - you seem calm,in control and very dignified. Good luck!

[evelynj]

Good woman, stay strong & best of luck x

[smallbean16]

Hello Bonniescott, this must be so scary for you, I really feel for you!
Firstly I think you are in shock. Is there anyway you can
get away from him and the house in the next 24
hours, to take a deep breath and let it sink in?
He needs to know he can't just bulldoze
& bluff his way out of this. You need to be very
strong and calm and determined. You don't have to acknowledge or listen to another word he says, until he gives you am honest answer. He is probably panicking
about what you've found out about him.
You have to deal with this one day at a time...., keep talking
to MN, I'm holding your hand..you're not alone..

[smallbean16]

..Also way too late with message. You seem wise bird
anyway...

[str8tothepoint]

I think this woman is Superwoman, hats off to her and all the very best x

[mascmuscle35]

Wow!! I am so sorry for you. I dated women for a long time, before i came to turns with my sexuality. I was intimate and sexual with a lot of women. Your husband maybe bi sexual or gay, but he does need to be honest with you. You deserve that. He isn't being honest with himself.

I just broke up with a guy, who couldn't be honest with himself or his family. We were both very macho and masculine.

I would log on to Grindr, confront him, and just ask him to be honest. Maybe you guys can work thru this? Some people are OK with open relationships, I don't know.

Good luck -- lost of love!! You deserve honesty.

[FarFromAnyRoad]

This is a very old thread mascmuscle
And your NN makes me feel a bit queasy.

[shirleybasseyslovechild]

?

[Christinayangstwistedsister]

Demand to see phone. Believe me in the future you will need this to work out what your reality has been for the last no of years

Get kids to school, tell him to phone in sick.....then face him with it

[omg100]

I have just found out that husband who ive been with for 32 years is gay not sure whether too laugh or cry just dumbfounded! any advise you could give me with as your 2 years down the line.