In for another miserable weekend because of sex

[NotHappyEither]

We haven't had sex since last Saturday. We're supposed to be in a 'no pressure, it happens when it happens' phase because we've had lots of issues around him wanting more sex than me, not expressing that in the right way and me losing interest because he makes me feel like crap.

I've explained if he just relaxes and let's things happen naturally we'll end up having better sex. Maybe not as often as he would like but he complains lots about quality and my thinking was this would be a quality over quantity thing. Last weekend after this discussion and agreement we had great sex and he was really happy and up for the idea.

Fast forward to last night. We went to bed, I gave him a cuddle (another thing he complains is that I don't show him enough affection so I've been trying to make the effort to) he immediately thinks great we're having sex. I know if we don't have sex now he's going to shouty and miserable for the rest of the weekend. I feel like I have to have sex now and that immediately takes any fun out of it.

So I said words to the effect of let's just have a quicky. Because I honestly haven't got it in me to roll around for hours with someone who doesn't really care as long as he gets off. It didn't go down well. He ranted for a bit then told me to just get on with it then, I could make the effort for a change. I tried but he wasn't really turned on, I said let's just leave it tonight so he got out of bed and started shouting about oh that's great we're in for a great fucking weekend now. And that its my fucking job to turn him on if he's not and I can forget staying out tomorrow night (we're supposed to be staying at a friends DC at GP) he makes horrible digs and is shouty and rude stomping about the house.

Part of the problem is he knows we're out tomorrow and Sunday he has to have an early night so he thinks we won't get a chance for a couple more days. I do know that but just wanted to do what we said and let it happen when it happens and try and build it up slowly. I got up with the DC this morning and took him in a coffee this morning and he's already grumpy with me.

He'll be shouty and grumpy all day now. He's done this so many times and I hate it that a lovely weekend is ruined by sex again.

You know none of this is your fault, don't you? Your DH is being an utter arse and a bit EA tbh.

The weekend hasn't been ruined by sex, it's been ruined by your partners behavior. Sex is great. Your partner isn't.

Been there done that, he's an ex.
:(

I think you need to tell him that he will lose you if he keeps tantruming like that about sex.

Are there any other issues?

How does he make you feel like crap?

I know. I also know it makes me sad that he'll be miserable with me (and worse DC) because of this when I could have stopped it.

Do you want to stay with him?

Do you love him? Do you think he really loves you?

It sounds grim.

Wow really, he sounds like an utter arsehole with no respect for you.
I vote LTB!

Only he can stop it.

Don't blame yourself.

Also been there, done that. Even reading your thread makes me feel sick. I am currently seeing a counsellor for many other issues but we keep coming back to how NOT to have sex because the other person wants it.

I could never work out what MY rhythm of sexual desire was because I would give in early to appease exh.

As a pp said, he is being a knob, and fast tracking himself to singledom.

Urgh,I could never stay with a man like this. Sex should be a pleasure not a chore and there's no way it would be a pleasure with someone who behaves like this!

Seriously have a think about if you want to stay with someone ago puts this much pressure on you. He's basically saying 'sleep with me whenever I want or I will shout at you.'

Who not ago

Your "D"H is an EA twat. To give you an idea of a healthy relationship with sex:

DH and I lead very busy lives. Sometimes sex gets put on the back burner. We haven't had sex for about 10 days. This morning, DH wanted to "get it on" and I was too tired. So after some mutual cuddling, which didn't lead to full on sex, DH got up, went and made a coffee, and he made one for me too.

My DH was civil and considerate and me not feeling like sex made absolutely no difference to his behaviour. "Sex to shut your DH up to keep him in a good mood" is not anything more than him being emotionally abusive.

Was he like this pre-DC?

He sounds vile.

Why would you want to have sex with him anyway - he sounds like a childish, self obsessed arse. Being around him and his nasty brattish manipulative behaviour must be such a huge turn off for you.

At best he is lacking in empathy. It's so not your fault.

You are showing willing to try and work things out and work through this, but you won't be able to if he isn't engaged and involved. And what what you've shared here, he is so so so far away from ever being in that place.

Is he shouty, manipulative & nasty about other things?

It made me feel sad and threatened just to read your post. Me and my partner sometimes go for weeks without having sex, due to all sorts of reasons. We deal with it by talking, being patient and being respectful. We love each other, so there's kissing, cuddling, understanding and putting the other's needs first. I don't recognise the type of relationship you are describing. Sounds awful and makes me wish you were in a safe relationship.

Tell him to have a wank and leave you alone! Seriously this is abusive - you do know that, don't you?

If you love him and want to make things work then you need to have some proper counselling about this although I feel that sex may be a bit about control here and not just DTD. Actually just thinking about what's going on makes me think of my ex and I don't want to project my circumstances onto you.

OP I suggest you tell him you have a problem as a couple and that you need to talk this through with a relationship expert and get some help for how to resolve this issue. If it is more about control and abuse that will become very clear.

Alternatively LTB and focus on what makes you happy.

Yes, the weekend has not been ruined by sex. It has been ruined by your horrible h!

Could you take sex completely off the table until you can improve the communication and intimacy.

If it continues like this it will become (think it probably already is tbh) sexual abuse as well as emotional abuse.

What is the rest of the relationship like?

Sorry, lots of replies. To answer some questions. Yes there's lots of other issues. He makes me feel like crap by moaning about everything. Shouting at me about coming in late (this is at tea time if I've been out with DC) talking down to me, being horrible about my family in front of DC. Lots of things.

Yes I love him, I'm not sure its as I should a husband. It's all been drowned by all the crappy issues.

He is really good in lots of ways. Works hard, does lots of housework etc, supports me wanting to go to uni etc. But its the way he does it. Like he'll throw it all back in my face in a second if he thinks its justified.

Yes morethanwords that's what its like. I have no idea how much I would really actually want sex because I don't get the chance to try. I've often thought I'll probably end up in therapy over this relationship!

QuietTiger, your life sounds like heaven. It's hard to imagine that relationships like that exsist.

It's not your job to stop him displaying unacceptable behaviour. Only he is responsible for that. You mustn't demean yourself by having sex you don't want just so an arsehole chooses to behave badly because he couldn't get what he wanted. Do you pander to every whim and unreasonable demand from your DC? No? So how come you think it's your place to do it for a grown adult? He is EA, and, sexually abusive too, with all this pressure and telling you it's your job to turn him on, etc.

He is using sex as his method of abuse. Believe me, of you shagged him 10 times a day in all sorts of acrobatic positions, he'd start abusing you in some other way. This is not about sex, this is about him controlling you, and making you feel bad about yourself in order to discharge his own hard feelings, onstead of dealing with them like every other adult has to.

I also feel worried for you because with exH eventually he started being physically violent (that's where it ended).

If he takes it on the children too is a very worrying sign.

Yes agree with Oxford. After the last post I think LTB.

X-post. It doesn't matter that he works hard and does housework, he'd have to do those things whether you existed or not, and supporting you to go to uni doesn't prove much, especially as his supportive is clearly conditional on whether he feels like it or not.

Your description of being with him is a description of an abusive relationship. That he's doing all this in front of the Dc means they are being emotionally abused and damaged by it too. Please don't lie to yourself they are not being affected adversely by all this. The fact that you say you don't even know your own sex drive because of how he is, is very upsetting and troubling - and an even clearer sign that you are being abused and controlled.

Abuse doesn't have to be beatings and rapes, it can be more low-level like this.

Yes.

I don't think he can improve.

Even if he can improve, he is abusing you in front of the dc. I would not want to give him a chance to change.